Another post sparked this. I know that my 18-year-old daughter sees the strain that caregiving for my father takes on me, and he's not in our house, he's in an AL nearby. I try to minimize the effects of his issues on her, but it's caused me to miss events and not really be there for her as much as I would like. Since she's graduating high school this year, I've actually pulled back on some of the things because I don't want her senior year to be all about Grandpa and his issues (he freaks out when we go on vacation, for example, and wants me to come back). I would love a life where we have a wonderful relationship with a loving Grandpa but that's not what it's like right now, especially with his cognitive issues (he likes to say inappropriate things and curse people out and so she doesn't want to be alone with him and I respect that, I also took his phone and deleted her number so he can't call her). It's a hard path to navigate, helping an elder and also being a good parent. What do you all do to make this work?
When your daughter is your age, and she has a young family do you want her to make her family a priority or you? (this should be a talking point for you and your husband and the rest of the family..the "what if's" in life. Make your wishes known)
spend the time with your daughter..you will NEVER get this time back. She will graduate from High School once. She will go to Senior Prom once.
If your dad were well cognitively I am sure he would agree.
The fact is that a decent facility is designed to optimize elder socialization as well as adls.
When u married and had children, ur first responsibility was ur family. Parents are only part of ur life, they should not become all of it. Again, Dad is safe. He now relies on the staff. Thats what he pays for.
There is everything I can do to improve my kids' lives through supporting them at school, their search to try and navigate their futures, their events and even their dreams.
I make this work by limiting visits to my mom as I simply don't have enough time to support my kids, work full-time, and peruse some of my own hobbies/interests. I also try to stick to a schedule for visits that works for all of us. My mom is more coherent mid-morning, so I limit my visits to this time only.
Good luck with all of it, I know it is hard, but my advice is do what works for you and feel no guilt if that means you need to focus on your daughter and step back from your father.
His freaking out is unfortunately not nearly as damaging to him as exposure to it is to your daughter.
Hopefully, he enjoyed the love and respect of his family when he was fully able to participate in family life.
But that Dad, Grandpa, is gone now. He lives in residential care so that he can be cared for safely and lovingly. His setting was hopefully chosen with reverence and respect for who he had been, and how much richer your lives were for having had his love, and loving him.
Launching a graduating child into her new world is really a bigger broader responsibility, and I know by experience, that you only get one shot to do it. I tried, and failed, to be both.
I’m grateful to have a wonderful relationship now with my son, who had cherished his grandmother, but couldn’t let her needs become part of HIS senior year. He was so right, and I was SO WRONG.
Your father’s life won’t be significantly altered by putting him first, but your child’s might be.
Hoping respectfully that you can figure out a way to do this better than I did.
He’s lived most of his life, and she’s just starting hers. If anyone is shortchanged, it should be him.
It is time to sit with her and talk. It is time to acknowledge to HER, not to us, what she has lost through your care of your Dad. You can say you are uncertain that you did it right, that you may have given too much care to Dad and not enough to her, that you hope she never experiences being in the middle of the sandwich, owing so much to 2 generations, and tell her if she ever is you hope she will give more to her children, her first obligation, than you did.
Just let her know you recognize the ways in which she was failed.
A good and loving parent gets forgiven almost ANYTHING, especially if they go to the child and tell them they understand the places they failed.
If she says "Oh, that's OK, Mom" let her know that it WASN'T OK. And that you are sorry. And encourage her to disengage from granddad other than loving visits when SHE chooses, SHORT visits.
However, I wonder if you're overdoing the "care" side of things if Dad's in a facility being cared for already. As others have said, your daughter comes first. That's not to say you ignore a genuine emergency with Dad to watch cheerleading, but it's important to keep balance.
Daughter is learning what she sees: a tired, stressed mother who is stretched to the brink and feeling guilty on both ends… caring for a needy father and trying to care for her child, who needs her way more.
See All Answers