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You don't indicate the reasons for your 3 daughters not being inclined to help. As a daughter who has 3 other siblings, we have each had our own ideas and level of commitment during the last 10 years of assisting our aging parents. It would be unusual for us all 4 to be in agreement about what we are willing to give. A respectful conversation with each of them PRIVATELY could include you expressing your feelings about the mutually beneficial relationship you would envision going forward, and then asking for their feelings. Be willing to recognize that your daughters are individuals with unique life situations and needs. Protect their confidences and do not share information with the other siblings without their consent.

Be cautious with your POA decision that might give financial authority to family members who might be very uninterested in the quality of your care when you are in need. Family members who feel no obligation to help an aging parent often have a strange sense of entitlement to the aging parents assets.
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justanothername Jul 2019
"Family members who feel no obligation to help an aging parent often have a strange sense of entitlement to the aging parents assets."

Very well said.
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I'd say the philosophy that all three daughters get nothing from your estate and be disinherited after your gone would be a good start. They clearly are entitled to nothing and don't give a damn about you so returning the favor only seems fair to me. Hugs.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jul 2019
I love it! Once again, you say it with perfection and truth!!!
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Consider arranging for an aide to assist you (if needed) and hire people to clean the house, do your laundry, fix things around the house, wash the windows...perhaps part-time or as-needed at first and later you may need full-time care. Some people prefer moving into a senior residence rather than staying at home with aides -- it can be more social, and they usually provide meals, cleaning services, handyman services, etc. You don't say much about your capabilities, but there may be a time when you can no longer drive, need someone to shop and cook for you, etc. If there are financial issues, you may be able to get government assistance. You might want to talk to Medicare and you can also speak with a social worker. There are many free services that can help you plan for aging. You don't say how close your children live to you, whether they have jobs and families...I'm sure you want them to "have a life." If you can arrange to have other people take care of your needs, then you and your children can enjoy each other for social visits.
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Wow. I cared for my parents until they died. My Mom died at my home. I feel I was blessed to be there for them until the end of their lives. Both suffered for years with seriously debilitating illnesses. I am grateful for all they did for me. I don’t regret any of it and would do it again.
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earlybird Jul 2019
Hi EmilyM,
Wonderful feel good post. God bless you for caring for your aging parents at a time when they needed you most. I wish you many blessing. Touches my heart!!
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Have you asked yourself honestly why they seem reluctant to engage. Self-reflection is hard, and none of us like doing it, but if they all seem reluctant that would tend to suggest that at least some of the issue almost certainly lies with you and not entirely with them. Doubtless there is history. You also seem to expect that they will support you in some way, which comes across as a quid pro quo because you gave them financial assistance in the past (whether that's your intent or not).

My late father used to avoid difficult conversations by saying something to the effect of, his father had been bad at them, so he had no role model.  My reply to that was along the lines of, that's an awful excuse - get practicing. Have you tried writing to them? It's your skill if you are a writer, and is an unusual gesture in this day and age. Perhaps that might be enough to at least start a conversation so bridges can be built.
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Sorry if this sounds a bit blunt but I will never ever expect my children to care for me. I enjoy their company very much and we spend a lot of time together but I did not give them life in order to become my carers in later life. I have my mum living with me and it is awful and has sucked the joy of life right out of me. If I lose my independence it will be time to move somewhere more suitable and if really necessary pay for some home care. I will not have them change their lives for me as I have had to do for my own mother.
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my2cents Jul 2019
You may also find that when it's time to ask for help that being able to sell all your possessions and your home and move to a place with strange people is not at all what you want to do. Independence is usually lost ever so slowly and we learn to adjust to what we can/can't do. It usually takes a pretty serious incident to know someone went beyond their management of independence. Your mindset may also be different then, from what it is now, and your preference would be to stay home in a familiar place or with a family member who is familiar.

While I hope you are able to just decide one day to move to a facility - there's also the chance it won't be that easy.
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Get all your paperwork in order.
Will, Trust....
Have someone you trust, it does not have to be a family member to become your POA for health and for finances. It does not have to be the same person.
Have all your information where it can be obtained easily (passwords, accounts...)
Complete a POLST. (Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment) it is much more detailed than a DNR. Have a cpy on your refrigerator, a copy with you at all times, in your medical records and a copy to your POA for health.
If you have a house you might want to consider selling and moving to a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) if you can afford it. Or a facility that has Independent Living as well as Assisted then Memory Care.
If you intend on staying in your home adapt it now so you can age into it safely.
If you are young enough buy Long Term Care Insurance.
Arrange you Funeral and pre pay it.Write your own obituary if you want, it could be very enlightening.
There is a pamphlet called 5 Wishes that you could fill out or use as a guide when getting things in order.
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Sorry that you've had this experience. I would make sure that I get my finances in order to be used ONLY for my care. You don't want these daughter to stint on using your money for your care to safeguard a possible inheritance. That may sound harsh but you need to be pragmatic now. See an elder attorney about this.
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It is important to not assume what your daughters attitudes are toward your future. I echo the importance of spending some time with them and discuss your concerns about the future. Having lived in the bay area, I know that there are many resources for older adults, but there is also a culture that youth oriented. Your daughters may not realize that you as you age, your needs may change. Coming to terms with the aging and potential loss of our parents means that we need to face our own aging.
Set up a time to discuss your desire to plan ahead. Make sure you have POAs, end of life wishes set up, as well as other financial information. Explore other resources for care in your community or across the bay. It may well be that talking openly about the future will bring you and your daughter greater clarity and relief.
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That's great that your melanoma was caught early and at a curable stage. You are fortunate indeed!

Correct me if I am misinterpreting your situation with your daughters, it sounds to me like you are trying now to start new habits that will enable you to spend more time with them. That can be challenging. If you and your daughters are not already in the habit of regularly spending time together as a family - Sunday Dinner, family gatherings, BBQs in your backyard - it will be difficult to ask them to start now.

San Francisco is notoriously expensive!!! If your home is too big for you or not conducive to you aging in place, find out what your home is worth and go see your accountant and financial advisor about planning for **your** future. I'm not suggesting you leave San Francisco if you have the services you want and need within walking distance or a short BART or bus ride away. I'm suggesting you nail down the numbers and figure out what's best for you because your daughters are living their lives and figuring out what's best for them.

Change is not easy. Some people accept change better than others. Coming closer as a family is a process. Perhaps pull out some old family photo albums and host a BBQ. I hope you keep us posted. Good luck!
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My mom is an introvert and a writer, too! Her personality is difficult to deal with. She lives alone within walking distance of me. My career is in full-swing and I work much more than 40 hours per week plus my husband is a very social person and there is a lot of pressure on me to participate in an active life with a lot of friends. Add to that, housework, bills, etc.

Mom is always complaining that she is lonely. However, yesterday for example, she unplugged her phone all day because she knew an old friend was likely to call, and also possibly her brother. He is alone too, but she doesn't want to hear his drama. But she expects me to be her entertainment. She avoids the neighbor lady like the plague, who is a widow. Mom sits in her house all day with the curtains drawn, mostly in silence because she does not like TV.

My advice to you, especially at your age: build your own life. Join a club or other social outlet, find a church or spiritual group, meet neighbors, be active if possible. My husband belongs to two local veterans organizations - within these organizations are many single people in their 70s, 80s and even 90s who treat each other like family. Volunteering in the kitchen, cooking meals to share, playing cards, driving each other to doctors appointments, helping out after surgery, etc. I volunteered at an animal shelter for several years before my work got so busy, and most of the volunteers were retired people who found a lot of satisfaction in knowing they were contributing to life-saving work! Find a purpose, a value in yourself. I promise you, you will become more interesting and appealing to your children. My generation, Gen-X, we will be working much later into life than our parents and their parents. We ain't got time to hand-hold a parent for 10, 20 or 30 years. I want to be my mom's friend (it's not easy) but she is the most isolated, miserable person - I don't even know how to relate to her anymore.
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POAofNmom Jul 2019
Great and positive response! I am a Gen-xer too. Family is Chinese so there is great expectation to be doting caregiver to elders, even though my mother who is 83 now was a neglectful and narcissistic 'parent.' The pressure on me by her friends and caregivers, associates to put her first before my own family has been a lot to bear. She never and still never says happy birthday to me, even as a child, and doesn't do this for her granddaughter. I have to text her several times reminding her and still she doesn't bother to even call to wish happy birthday to her own grand child, let alone get gifts for birthdays or Christmas. Though she thinks of her friends and co-workers when she was working. I remember begging her to come to my college thesis show (I couldn't even afford to go to my own graduation, my mother never helped me out financially even though she was making six-figures, I was homeless a few times and had only $15-20 week for food in college). She was a 30 min ride away. When she resentfully showed up, and saw that someone had given me flowers, she asked me where her flowers were. Despite her lack of interest in me and her granddaughter I am her POA and oversee her bills, finances, and took a year off to help her which I stopped since it was emotionally and physically draining. She would tell friends and doctors I did not help her with specific issues when in fact I would spend weeks helping her deal with whatever drama she could conjure up. She was resistant and never thankful to any improvement I tried to make regarding her care, like getting her physical therapy, managing and bringing her to her doctors 3-4x a week, or cleaning her home.. She treated me like dirt and her friends would visit and give me nasty glares, most likely my mom lying to them about how she was neglected. In the end (after feeling worthless and nearly suicidal) for the health of myself and my family I tapered down my involvement with her. She has home aides who live with her.

From my personal experience, the only thing I can offer is that you get what you give.

If you were not a supportive, involved, caring and loving parent when your kids were dependent on you, you don't have the right to automatically expect that from them.
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Hi Tabouli,
You wrote; (I) “pay in large part for their graduate school, among many other things, which I am glad to do. 
It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort (IN ME). I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them; not in any way to encroach on their lives.
I suspect (I NEED) a balance of my socializing more (“I am an introvert and writer”).

I am in your same boat.....my son (only child) never contacts me. I have to make the first move. I have helped him financially multiple times and would have thought that at least I had earned a phone call-wrong. I suppose it’s my fault for thinking there would be an ongoing relationship. I’ve had to scale back my desires to connect with him because, in the past, he was always “busy”.

It will get a bit more complicated in September, as my first grandchild will appear on the scene. I’ll try to take my cues from them as to how much participation they want me to have in their lives. (They live near SF and I live in Puerto Vallarta, México).

Maybe your daughters pick up on your loner vibe (“introvert and writer”) and they don’t initiate contact. So go out of your comfort zone and invite them out to eat, exercise, coffee, museums, etc. You will need to initiate the activity. See what their response is. If lukewarm or refusal, let it go. You can’t force a relationship. Cultivate relationships in your own age group. That’s who we have the most in common with anyway.

I try to think of all the animals that give birth, rear their young then never see them again. I have had to accept the fact that “our” (son’s and my) relationship isn’t as important to him as it is to me. I am now finding other alternatives, like “adopting” other kids of underprivileged families we know.

This sure isn’t the way I had it planned but you have to go with the flow. Go where you are wanted and needed. There are so many worthwhile charities where you could volunteer your time and be appreciated.

Wish I had an answer for you. Life doesn’t always turn out like we thought it would. Good luck.
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What is it so important that your daughters drop everything and help you? Is it because you are paying for school? They might not be willing to provide hands on care. Ask them to help you set up grocery delivery, many places provide that service. Ask them if they could drive you to a doctor's appointment, if they live near by. Your daughters are thinking about the future, they have to make money to have a place to live, food to eat, etc. Most importantly they have to provide for old age for them. Using the line of you are paying for school, you are required to help me is passive aggressive and will alienate them from you.
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Tabouli, I would invite your girls and their families or significant others to go have coffee or dinner and try to be a friend to them. Be upbeat and don't talk about all your physical ailments or how they fail you or believe differently than you, they aren't you and they are female, so very different, embrace that.

I hate talking to my mom, everything is a big drama, every little medical thing is a huge drama and everything is about her and her misery. I love her, but seriously, nothing else happens that is worth talking about. My dad never asked how I was doing, ever, it is all about him and his life. I think that being interested in them and their lives, making happy memories instead of a biotch fest would make me want to spend time with them. As it is now I don't usually have the energy to deal with the same thing yet again.

However, when they have had true medical emergencies, I was on the 1st flight out to be by their sides.

If you are financially secure can I recommend that you hire a certified elder law attorney firm that has a fudiciary. You can put all of your care desires in writing, have a disinterested 3rd party assigned to act as your advocate and guarantee that what you want to have happen for yourself when/if you are ever unable to speak for yourself will happen and your girls will not be faced with having to make difficult decisions.

Let them all know that is what you are planning, no surprises and no guilt. It is the best gift we can give our children. Then they have the choice to help or not, but they will be able to just be your daughters and you will have things exactly as you want no matter what they decide.

When you call to schedule coffee be positive and upbeat, meet where it is convenient for them, they are busy and you can spend more time with them if they don't have a long commute.

Best of luck enlarging your relationship with your daughters.
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Contact a lawyer to set up a trust fund that will take care of all your needs until you die.
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tabouli10, thank you for giving us your age, you are also of my generation.

I was helping out my parents, who were in their 90's, but not hands-on but logistical. So maybe your daughters can be there for you in that context.

I know for myself, I plan to keep being as independent as possible, and in today's world with the Internet, we have the whole world at the tips of our fingers.

No more roaming the grocery store aisle [b o r i n g], so I order on-line and have the option of curb-side pick-up or home delivery. Same with food delivery, it is more than just pizza whipping through the neighborhood.

Same with shopping, can't remember the last time I had to deal with a changing room in a clothing store. Everything is bought on-line. It takes some trial and error until one finds the right catalog and size.

My work commute is just 3 minutes from home, unless I get caught at the traffic light at my subdivision, then my commute is twice as long :P My boss is in his 80's, a widower, and has a gaggle of grown children, most of whom live in the area. There are family gatherings all the time, he's always going out with grown child, or grown grandchild for dinner. I am wondering if this is what you are really missing?

Later down the road, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I plan to sell my home and move into a 55+ community. I am no social butterfly, neither is my sig other, but it is just the idea of making new friends that one can depend upon.
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Not knowing the dynamics of your family or what everyone's expectations are, I'm going to add a few thoughts from my own experience. I don't think it's uncommon for people to have differing ideas of what "help" and "support" mean. You and I are of the same generation, brought up that you did what your parent asked, no matter how old you are. Our kids have different ideas, and frankly, they are more sensible about it. My kids are great about helping when I ask - I know that my kids will be there to help when I call, and they know I won't abuse that gift. I don't ask a lot because my experience was like Midkid's - my mom expected her kids to do absolutely everything for her after Dad went into NH. We were run ragged "helping", with no respect for our own responsibilities.
I'm wondering if perhaps this procedure hit you emotionally, that awful waiting period before the lab results are in, worrying you might have the big C. But if you're like most guys, you appeared calm and unfazed by it to your kids. So they didn't think about you needing some "hey Dad, it's going to be ok" or "call me when the test results come in". Maybe you need to chat with them a little more about getting older and your plan. I groused about needing more help with the big holiday dinners, when all I needed to do it let the kids know I needed to do less. They looked at me and said,"we know you love all the holiday fuss - why didn't you say something to us before?" For me, the more my mom expected and let me know when I fell short, the less I wanted to do for her. With my inlaws, they expected to do for themselves and we would do a little backup - they expect less and we were happy to do more.
It sounds like you just need to tell them you'd love to spend a little more time with them.
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I am new to this forum searching for answers for my aging parents (particularly my mother) who expect me to drop everything for them and make me feel guilty when I have to work or spend time with my spouse without them. However, I am surprised at the answers on these boards. I thought I was a horrible person before I read this. Unless you have written more information than given, if you have surgery why couldn't or wouldn't one of your children be with you? It doesn't matter if they are females or males, in your case you say you have only daughters. Yes, the day to day is hard for me to be there but when my parents have surgeries I am there to help them. Yes, people should prepare for the future but unless you were cruel to your children growing up it is normal for your children to care when you need a little help. Good luck to you.
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Girlsaylor Jul 2019
As one facing three large joint replacements in the next year or so, I’d love it if my grown sons would offer even the tiniest assist. But, they aren’t going to do that. And no, they were not abused. They were lovingly cared for by me. Their father is close to where they grew up, and they don’t help or support him either. Frankly, I don’t expect any assistance, or even emotional support, no matter how sick or injured I might be. They’ve all made it clear that life is all about themselves.
My crime was leaving an emotionally and financially abusive spouse, their father. I was made out to be the enemy by their father, with all his sick, false accusations. I cannot change all the lies my sons and birth family were told. I can only take care of my own mental health. They are responsible for their own mental health. Since they like holding onto their ‘mad’, I can only proceed knowing they aren’t going to be there for me. Living and working in different states makes it somewhat easier, in a way, as one can’t really expect one’s offspring to take financial hit after hit, or rush to assist older parents in a different state. A visit and a few chores once in a decade, however, wouldn’t hurt any adult offspring. My example was of frequent visiting and assisting elder relatives, as I was able. The sons learned that at home. They’ve discarded the example.
Selfish, self-centered. Some day their own children will repeat the behaviors the parents, my offspring, have adopted, and quite possibly be too busy for them. We can only make our own arrangements and get on with it.
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"what arrangements should be made to engage them without requiring their help?"

What does this mean?

Do you really want your daughters to make you their priority? For myself, I want my kids to tend to their own families and lives.

Most of us don't have children to earmark them for caregiving when we become older. We want to watch our children grow into responsible, caring and successful people.

Having a skin cancer removed probably is not a medical event that would be a fair measure of how the girls may respond when really necessary.
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Use up all of their inheritance on care for yourself and stop paying their graduate tuition! But seriously, I agree you are wise to think about making all of these arrangements while you still are able, and kudos to you for it. Also true that more parents should think along these lines. But your daughters should be reassuring you, comforting you and helping you find these options. Sounds like they certainly owe you much in return for all you're doing for them long past standard parenting obligations. Plan for your future but stop being so generous to those who don't show it in return. And yes, get someone who WILL be there for you to be your POA.
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I am hearing two different messages from you. First there is this:

"They are concerned that when I become in need they will be called upon to help. " and "Their philosophy in supporting an aging parent is quite different from mine."

And then this:

"It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort. I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them;"

In the former, it seems as if you want some real help from them, yet in the latter you state you just want a "bit more time" with them. A "bit more time" could mean stopping in just to chat.

Do you have any sons? And, like several have already asked, would you be expecting any different from sons?

Even with your further explanations, I am still unclear as to what it is that you want from your daughters. What kind of help? Are they all married with fulltime jobs? Families? How close to you do they live? What are your relationships like with them now?
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Tabouli I can't tell if you're being unreasonable because I don't know what your expectations of these ladies are, or what your relationship with them during this last decade has been like, or what their circumstances now are. I'm not even sure that you know what you're expecting, do you?

Has there been a recent "frank exchange of views" with one or more of them that has left you feeling a bit sore?
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Start planning in exactly the way you would need to if you didn’t have daughters. It is your responsibility to plan for your care and you should have been doing this throughout your adult life. Relatives and friends may be willing and able to assist but they have lives to lead and families they are responsible for, they are not responsible for you. I am sure that if you start looking at facilities and listing what you think you want etc. they will be very willing to get involved in helping you make the right choice for you.
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Tabouli10, first of all, Happy Birthday in advance!

Second, I totally understand the hurt of finding others don't share your expectations of a particular sort of relationship. I've experienced that. It's so painful.

But, I hope you might be able to use the pain as a catalyst to start building on your relationships with your daughters. In small ways, just spending a little time together here and there, no pressure. It's great that you're all in the SF Bay Area -- maybe you could pop over to one to have a brief coffee, maybe meet another at a farmer's market or something, maybe drive over to check out the other's favorite cupcake joint. I don't know, just brainstorming here! But maybe this could be the start of something really positive for you all. I hope so! Good luck!
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There is nothing worse than forcing someone to assist you if they aren't that way inclined. If you have the finances to purchase in care into your home this will enable to be entirely independent and in charge of your own destiny. There are so many agencies now that you can get care from, paying by the hour. I hope this helps.
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I would say get a power of attorney, someone you really trust. because when you get sick needing help, your "family" might not be so nice as you think they are, but if someone tries to help you, they can't unless you make them your guardian in case of an event. if you get sick to where you need help 24 hours 7 days a week, only the person who you have chosen to be your guardian can help you and makes all your medical and financial decisions. Be careful of who, you deed out what too.
sometimes its other family members besides your children that want to take what ever you've got, so watch out for that. with out giving away to much info, in the case of the person that I am staying with, she never gave me power of attorney and now her family is after her stuff and I can't help her in any legeal way and now Iam in a bad situation.
I would advice that you stay as healthy as possible and as I said get a power of attorney, someone you really trust and who has nothing to gain from you being sick. don't let any one put you the dnr list because they might without your consent, tell your doctors, everyone and have it be known that you want ever effort made to be kept alive..
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I think I understand where ur coming from. I am 69 will be 70 in Sept. One daughter is 42 the other is 34. They will be in their 50s when I am in my 80s. I have told them I don't expect them to care for me. What I do expect is not to be forgotten. My girls are single and will have to support themselves. Hopefully, I can take care of myself for a long time.

Maybe invite them all to a nice dinner in a quiet place. Maybe ur birthday dinner. Tell them you don't expect them to care for you but you do want them to make sure you get the care you need. You don't want to be forgotten. A call every so often would be nice. Being included in special things. See them for birthdays.
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lkdrymom Jul 2019
I have to agree with this. You can’t expect them to be your caregiver but you can hope they don’t forget about you.

I was willing to help my father with things he could not do but I really resented him expecting me to do things he didn’t feel like doing. Another poster mentioned not wanting to answer the phone knowing it would just the their parent fussing about something. That was me.

What exactly were you hoping they did that they didn’t?
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You have said they are not inclined to help. They don't need to help if they choose not to and I certainly do not think, if they are not already inclined to help, that they will do so. I think you should consider the fact that you are now stuck with hiring on some help, or going into assisted living. I hope this won't impact their inheritances (hee hee). And I hope you have some funds for your own care, as it appears it is on you now. Don't know the circumstances of where you live, town, city or country, large or small home. But time to downsize to the extent you are able, as it appears you are on your own. Sorry about this, but it happens all the time, sadly enough. You may want to get them all together and be very frank about it. Is there anything they CAN do together to help you with shopping, et al. It will be clear when they are all "on the spot" where you stand.
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I have 5 children, 4 daughters. I am currently undergoing chemotherapy for cancer.

I do not, and will not expect my kids to do a single thing for me. If they actually offer (and they have) to do a specific job, such as running me to the clinic when I know I will be too sleepy to drive home..I will accept, but I don't expect that every single time I sneeze.

I have friends, I know how to get an Uber, I can clean and cook and take care of myself. I have a good neighborhood support system. I DO NOT want my kids (daughters and/or son) seeing my number on their phone and screen me and not answer b/c they are tired of fussing me.

Maybe it's time for you to declutter, downsize and maybe move into a Srs only apartment or assisted living with an apartment and full dining amenities and activities. This way, your daughters will be more likely to step up on the RARE occasion that you'd really need them.

You're young to be needing a lot of help---is this surgery just a one time thing and you'll return to full function? If so (and I hope it is)...treat your daughters as adults and friends and NOT as caregivers. PAY people to do things for you, if possible, before you go to family, b/c it sounds like your daughters are not the kind to quickly step up to help. If they were, they would have after your procedure and you sound like you were flying solo.

BTW, do you have SONS? What would you expect of them?

As a daughter who has been nonstop CG for aging parents for the last 22 years, I wish my mother (esp) would quit treating me like a go-fer. I truly resent her at times. I would like to just be her daughter, not her therapist and problem solver.

I don't mean to come off 'hot', but this is a hot topic with a LOT of us.
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anonymous739426 Jul 2019
Great message, I'm inclined to agree.
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tabouli, may I ask what is your age? That will help us know what is your generation.
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tabouli10 Jul 2019
69 years old with birthday in August and approaching rapidly!
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