Mom passed earlier this week, liver & kidney failure, dementia, just the whole cocktail. She’d been under (excellent) 24/7 home care since July & (excellent) home hospice care for 2 months - incredibly tough fighter till the bitter end, for ex physically grabbing the bedrails for dear line during her few cognitisant hours. I live in Europe & was able to share her last few hours. She passed soon after I left for my Airbnb.
As days pass I am beginning to realize what I experienced. A horrible death without purpose or dignity. Empty eyes staring vacantly. Only the ability to breath, no other functions left. No connection, no soul. Now I am physically sick & furious.
True she had no pain w blessing from morphine, true she was turned regularly, cleaned, touched, true given nothing but loving & caring attention, true she was at home as she wished.
Please don’t be shocked, this is simply what I see: but her four day trip to death - if it had been our pet dog we should have rightfully been accused of animal cruelty for not relieving suffering. Our dog or cat or horse is treated w more dignity.
true also that I’ve been living in the Netherlands for 30 yrs - w it’s extremely strict euthanasia laws & carefully executed & controlled processes. True i am biased. True societies have different norms & rules.
but how can this explain the Grand Canyon between words of compassion & love & all etceteras, to the presumption we must read until the end of the very last chapter is regardless of all consequences???
(I apologize in advance for any offense)
And I have a feeling that the people who fight so hard to hang on at the end of life - as my mom and yours did - are not likely to have ever made that choice.
It's kind of scary to think that one day it might be commonplace to go to your doctor and have him present you options, prescription medicine, surgery, counselling or assisted suicide?
It is a very slippery slope and there is a fine line.
Having said that, if a person is definitely in the end stages of dying and there is no hope of recovery, then yes do the humane thing. But it shouldn't be up to the doctors. It should be the patient's decision. Dementia throws a big wrench into that though cause if a person has not already made the arrangements before their mind has gone, then how?
The age old discussion on here.
Come to think of it, birth isn't too pretty either, so I think it's safe to say that movie births and deaths do not mirror reality.
Just because they aren't attractive or without some anguish for the person being born or dying doesn't mean it's the wrong way to go. It's hard for the rest of us to witness, but it's nature at work when we are our most basic selves.
Some people go their entire lives without witnessing a birth or a death. My parents were examples. My mother was knocked out for the births of my brother and me, and of course fathers weren't allowed in. Neither were present when their parents died, although I was there when my maternal grandfather died.
I was also with my dad as he died and with my mom in her last hours. It's a humbling experience that I think we're ultimately richer for having been through.
I hope your anger will be replaced with wonder at witnessing the true "circle of life."
May The Lord give you peace, comfort and understanding during this difficult time.
I believe anger coming to the surface is normal. Feel it. Then let it change & pass.
A four day 'trip to death' as you put it is also normal. This is nature's way, to slowly wind down each body system. I don't have a problem with this at all. I don't see it as undignified or lacking in any way. It is just the natural process.
Just as birth is a process. The labour process starts in subtle ways, so many changes happening internally, well before the contractions start.
I hope you can come to place of peace in time.
It seems morphine is the only option at the end of our physical life, to try to relieve the pain. And we hope it relieves some of the suffering and pain, but it's hard to know really.
They say the same thing about childbirth - the physical pain does not last forever and it has to come to an end at some point, even though the mother is in a lot of pain. There are also some people who live for years in pain - people with disabilities for example. Sadly, pain seems to be a part of the human experience.
I'm not sure if it will help, but I take some comfort in knowing my father has left his tired physical body behind (he was in pain) and he has now entered another realm.
Perhaps you can take some comfort in knowing your mother's body was old, tired and weak (like most of us will get unless we die young), and although her physical life journey is now over, her spiritual journey is beginning...
I recently read a good book about aging and dying called 'Can't we talk about something more pleasant' - which talks about the author's experience of her mother passing away. I found it helpful and you might too.
In some instances the bodies resilance is a great thing but in cases like your mother's it is absolutely horrific experience for her to go through and for you to have to watch her go through.
I'm sorry you're processing your loss with anger and physical illness. I myself was relieved when my mom passed in Feb of advanced dementia and heart failure. Her suffering was finally over, thank God. I was very happy that she was so well cared for in her memory care ALF and by her hospice team as well. She passed in peace, but not without a lot of sounds that were difficult for me to bear.
My condolences on your loss.
I am thankful you had hospice. I wish they would have more medicated Mom below the level of confusion so she could have been restful.
As an RN I accompanied many on this last journey. And many families. I hope the day will come when those of us competent and well can be in charge of our own decisions regarding our final exit. But I do not want the time to come when we euthanize our elders who suffer from dementia.
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain, for all your Mom went through, for all you are going through now. As someone else pointed out on this thread, and having worked in OB, we enter the world torn from a safe warm ocean world confused, shocked, and wailing out in shock. We sometimes leave it in the same way, and other times we are more lucky and leave it more gently. There is nothing here to be angry about, no one to be angry at, and I think sometimes we cleave onto anger so that the grief of loss and all that can no longer be resolved needn't be looked in the face.
I hope for your healing, and I hope you will come to a time when you remember the better times you once shared with your Mom.
Also I agree that dying when very old and/or very ill “ought to” not be as hard as it is today. We treat our pets much better than people at their end of life, in my opinion ! But euthanasia is a moral, legal, and ethical issue that many religious, and political leaders strongly oppose, as we all know. Someday I sincerely hope it will be easier.
Regarding your feelings- Whatever you feel is “ok,” and a normal part of grieving, unless it’s becoming too much for you to bear. Grief is one of the hardest experiences we’ll ever endure. It’s always highly personal and unique. Watching a loved one suffer is perhaps the second hardest possible experience. After a long and painful illness, it’s even more complicated, because there will be an element of relief, once the suffering stops.
Go easy on yourself, and practice self care. As much as possible, it’s usually helpful to talk and share your experience with others. Consider a therapist, a grief counselor, or a grief group too. Keep in touch with others, particularly those who help to lift you up. XOXO
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