Sorry, I am back again. I just spent the better part of my evening driving my MIL with my wife around because she could not sleep. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. I want out of this. My wife still is struggling with the idea of placing her mother. We toured a bunch of places but the only places her and my MIL liked were the ones that were criminally overpriced, one placed wanted 12k a month.
I thought about divorce and spoke to attorneys it is cheaper to keep her. I just want to ghost. I am in a dark place, I feel trapped. Cannot really talk to people about this because I always get reminded remember your vows.
I did all I could to try and get my her placed, my wife refuses because she is doing well. Great she is but I am going f**king mad. Life is sick joke, it does not pay to be a good person because no one f**king cares about you.
I feel for your conflicted state. You are still so young. Breaks my heart to hear of someone breaking up a marriage over something like this. My MIL was no angel, far from it, and she almost caused me to divorce my DH. There was a point where I did tell him to leave and to move in with his mom b/c that's where his heart really was.
Maybe you can move out to a long-term stay hotel and just live a 'single' life for a month or two. Go to work, find yourself doing things you enjoy and keep contact with your wife and her mom as minimal as you can. See how you feel after a couple months.
Staying in this marriage, they was it is now? You could be looking at 30+ years of CG.
I would hope your wife would attend some therapy sessions with you. Most divorces do include some kind of counseling. Your wife is undoubtedly aware that her mother being the 3rd wheel in your marriage is not a good idea, but you've been going along, keeping up the facade of a happy marriage for too long.
Whatever your final decision, I hope it brings you peace.
According to ALZ.org:
"On average, a person with Alzheimer's lives four to eight years after diagnosis, but can live as long as 20 years, depending on other factors. Changes in the brain related to Alzheimer's begin years before any signs of the disease."
My cousin was finally diagnosed at 68 (about 3 yrs ago) and she's already in hospice. My friend's Mom was diagnosed at 58 and lived for about 12 yrs.
All to say it probs won't be 30 yrs, and maybe not even 20. But still...long enough.
I don't remember if Basic mentioned an actual diagnosis or not...
One of your statements stands out. You wrote, "My wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more."
That's so sweet. It's clear that you love her. But I keep coming back to my first thought when I read it, which is that your wife is caring, loving, and giving. Clearly she's that way with her mother. But when she knows you are in distress and hurting, she isn't that way with you. You are in need now, you are suffering because of her actions, and she won't help YOU.
You seem like a treasure. I'll leave you with that thought.
I spent so many years caring for my mother. We no longer have a life of our own. Nip this in the bud so you won’t regret it down the road.
People who disagree are the ones who have only been caregivers for a very brief period of time. They don’t have a clue how stressful it is to be a longtime caregiver.
Good Luck to you Basic . You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
You see this is not working for you and a change is needed, whether your wife comes to her senses or you leave .
I do not believe your wife is doing this out of malice or that it was a preconceived plan . I think she is so lost in the caregiving of her mother , leaving you behind , and at the same time may not realize that you are being taken advantage of . I think since touring facilities, your wife has decided to stay home and take care of her mother rather than go to work and put her Mom in a facility , even when her mother is “ worse” and can be accepted in a Medicaid facility . That is not fair to you .
And don’t be so hard on yourself . I think you are a nicer guy than you are giving yourself credit for . These situations break up marriages when one spouse , in this case your wife , is more dedicated to her parent than she is to the marriage .
No one can predict the future. I understand what you’re saying about your wife. She wants to please her mom but she feels caught between you and her mother. Of course, she should place you first. You are a patient man who loves his wife. There is no right or wrong way to see this situation. It’s about choosing what is best for you.
Neither of you anticipated any of this occurring. No one thinks about these things when they are young and in love.
Surprises happen unexpectedly and it’s hard to know how to handle it.
Things are hard to explain in an online forum. No facial expressions are seen, no one can hear another’s tone of voice. Misunderstandings occur. People make assumptions. Online forums are good and bad.
Have you spoken with someone face to face about this issue? I would consider asking your wife to attend marriage counseling and if she won’t go, you should still go by yourself.
Forget about what anyone here says. There are people who will not divorce their spouse no matter how miserable they are. There are others who will divorce their spouses at the drop of a hat without any counseling. There are people who will make a million excuses for not going to counseling.
You are the only person who can decide what is best for you in your situation.
Figure out what is best and move forward. You love your wife. You don’t hate your mother in law. You’re just stuck in a crappy situation. No matter what you choose it’s not going to be easy.
Be true to yourself. This is a huge test for your wife. She will have to choose between you and her mom should you find that it’s best that she not live in your home anymore.
It’s always harder to have family living with us. My mom lived with us. No matter how much we care about each other, these situations will always place a strain on relationships.
Plus, people who have never walked in your shoes will never fully understand what you are going through. How could they? I didn’t know how hard things would be until I was living with my circumstances.
So, take everything with a grain of salt and go to therapy where you can find an objective opinion from a licensed therapist.
Wishing you all the best.
Before then, please re-read KNance's suggestion. The one to stay away somewhere for a month.
I think this is an excellant idea. It's a strong message saying
*I am serious - please hear me*.
It will give you space.
It will give your wife a dose of reality.
Make a weekly telephone call maybe..
But it won't burn your bridge down just yet.
Your wife sounds like a sweet lady really. Caring but blinded by the enmeshed mother-daughter bond.
Those Myer-Briggs personality tests have an axis on thoughs vs feelings (T vs F). She would be probably be at the F end. Basing decisions on personal values, rather than logic.
By leaving for a month, your wife will experience the FULL load of caregiving.
Ignore extended family saying this is cruel. Well maybe it is.. being cruel to be kind. They do it in rehab facilities, for just this thing. When caregivers are adamant they will take their LO home. When they do not listen to the care needs do not let reason or logic in, decide with their feelings.
It works!
They LIVE it. REAL LIFE changes their mind. They start to get angry.. they can't do what they wanted to do. Can't cure the disease, stop it's progression, make their LO whole again. GRIEF at what health their LO has lost starts to happen.
Is a month in a hotel/air bnb worth a go?
This. She must still be in denial.
I know someone like this.
Not ready to go back to work. Kids & Mother need her. Wants to look after them herself. Wanted the ex to keep paying the child expences plus her rent.
He has stopped paying her rent.
You are the only person who knows your wife. No one should be making assumptions about your wife regarding her intentions before your marriage.
It’s clear that you fell in love with your wife. You said that you don’t regret marrying her. You don’t dislike her mother.
You stated that your friends warned you not to marry her. You didn’t say why your friends warned you about this marriage. So, we are in the dark about their feelings. For all we know, they could be prejudiced.
Of course, you are dissatisfied with your current situation. You have every reason to be upset about your circumstances as they stand now.
Since you aren’t able to make headway with your wife by yourself, please ask her to speak with a therapist in couples counseling. The therapist can act as a mediator in your relationship. That may be the only option in resolving this problem.
You are young. It’s hard to have to share your wife with her mother at such a young age. I’m very sorry that you are dealing with this situation.
If counseling doesn’t work then you have to decide what you want to do. Your wife will have lost her marriage and I seriously doubt that she will be able to continue to care for her without your help. She’s going to lose either way.
It’s tough because I know that you understand that she loves her mom dearly. She can’t have it both ways because her devotion to her mother is causing issues in your marriage which certainly isn’t fair to you.
You question above doesn't reflect that decision, so I am thinking that you have only recently made it?
If that is so, I would sit with your decision a while. Then discuss it with your wife and move forward with your own life.
I wish you the very best.
Second, this situation sounds nearly impossible for the two of you to handle on your own. This isn’t a case of you not trying hard enough, or not having the emotional strength to stay in the game. Are there no other family members? In my father’s hometown, where all of his relatives lived, there were several with big health issues. Many relatives would each do just a little, but everyone tried to participate as they were able. This made all the difference. The full burden was not put on one person or on one marriage. That’s really the crux of this problem in my opinion— I am not one of those who is rashly saying to place your MIL, but I do know from experience what you are dealing with. There is a big big problem, too big for two young adults. Placement is necessary not because you were selfish, but because this is impossible for you two to handle on your own.
I see you have decided on divorce. I would still encourage you and your wife to contact a placement specialist and get an expert involved. I said this before, but will repeat this again, as it was a major mistake that I made. There are people who deal with this stuff ALL DAY LONG. They will have ideas about what to do. Your wife is probably emotionally frozen and not able to make good decisions right now, and you are probably the same. I know I certainly was. Getting an expert on board would probably be very valuable.
Whatever you decide in this very hard situation, I wish you the best of luck.
Placement is extremely costly ($8k - $12K) per month.
Not affordable, wife has some sort of disability. Will not work.
The wife will not agree to placement.
MIL does not qualify for LTC, so no Medicaid coverage.
So sorry to hear what you're going thru. I think it's important for you to take a step back and change your environment and find your own space. Give yourself a chance to regroup. Sometimes things are easiest being done in steps so nothing feels so abrupt. Since you mentioned that you're financially doing well, are you able to find a furnished apartment for a few months? You can still see your wife and keep things amicable - she can experience what it's like to take care of her mother full time on her own ...and you can take time for yourself. Time apart will give you both a chance to see your situations clearer. And, at that point, you'll have more clarity (as will she) as to the next steps. And at that point, if you feel more sure about getting a divorce, it should be somewhat easier emotionally at that point having had been apart for several months.
It's understandable that taking care of her mother has taken a toll on you - it's a lot to handle and your wife needs to understand that. Wishing you all the very best - and I think it's a really good thing that you're taking steps forward now in taking care of your own well being.
You bring up wonderful points. It really is about what the OP decides is acceptable for him. If we see writing on the wall, we need to pay attention to it. You were wise to end that relationship.
I have done the same as you in past relationships and chose to end the relationship. I never thought about changing anyone else’s behavior, instead I focused on what I feel about the situation.
I have seen so many people beating a dead horse, thinking that they can change their partner’s behavior.
No one has any control over another person’s behavior, especially if they are dealing with mental health issues. There are people who refuse to go to therapy or take medication.
Some people don’t even recognize that they have a problem. They will blame everyone else instead of looking at themselves.
We have to look at what we are willing or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away.