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You have been "filling the gap" for longer than necessary. It is time for a family conference about long term care of your father-in-law. Before your meeting, let all the family know that you can not continue caring for him as you have in the past. Let the family know how you are willing to help him - think how many days per week and how many hours per day. Ask each person to consider how he or she can contribute to his care. If there will not be enough helpers, then it is time to consider paid help or for him to move to a long term care facility.
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It’s truly, truly sad what ppl do for others just toss someone aside. It’s ok to live one’s life but plz ppl check in on ur parents ur love ones who birth u. It’s ok to live ur life but remember ur not going to be young and beautiful and full of life all ur lives. Trust and believe when ur day comes ur going to want someone like ur sister-in-law to assist u in life. I pray in my life time I would. It’s really hard to find good ppl. I do feel they feel it’s ur job so ur getting paid and they feel a since of comfort Bc ur family which is good. But ur a better person than they would ever be and ur just the daughter-in-life. I think if any person has a compassionate caregiver. They should be treated really really well. Especially if they don’t put in there all. I would treat the person that’s taking care of my love one. I would go all out. That’s just me. I would sometimes give gifts , a day off, a nice word, or we can all go out together. That’s how it should be. Don’t worry God got u. Just keep doing u and don’t look for approval. U may or may not get it. Remember u doing things Bc u care. Have a Blessed Life. God Will make sure you will get your due diligence. 🙏🏽
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You need time alone and yes you deserve to be pampered.

If they do not want to then do it yourself. See if there is a bed and breakfast where you can go for a few days. Leave your phone off the whole time.

Maybe when you are not there they will appreciate you more.

As well, make a list of what needs to be done every day.

Then give them an option of they would prefer # 1 to come and help out every week
#2 if they would prefer to pay you for your services
# 3 if they would prefer to pay someone to do these tasks.
There is no option # 4.
I have finally put my foot down with my mom. I was doing all the work and got nothing to show for it but abuse. The rest of the family got money every month and did nothing.
That has changed now.

As well I make time for myself with daily walks in a nearby nature reserve with a Bible. You would be amazed how much stress dissapears after spending an hour with Jesus by a stream. Do not be afraid of letting it all out on Him. He can take it and He understands. Do not forget He had to deal with some real nutbars for disciples, had to deal with the establishment and His family mocked Him and disowned Him.

Gods peace be with you child.
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First of all, since YOU get the anger directed at you and you are doing it all, I would lay the law down at once to this man - and I would let the family know - that under NO circumstances will you allow or any longer accept this behavior. It stops now or you will totally remove yourself from a position of helping. Make that very clear so they understand. Second of all, let them know you are developing physical, etc. problems and it is beginning to affect you and your life and you are going to have to do something about it - in other words, they either start helping or he has to be placed (but don't expect help as you won't get it). Who has the POA and is in charge. Tell them you can't/won't do this any longer - you are burned out. Tell them you are taking some time off for you and to heal and to get a caretaker. And during the discussion, point out to them the value of what you have been doing. They may be just deaf, dumb and blind - and you are making it easy for them - but don't do it anymore. Your loyalty is to you.
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Put in your 2 week notice to this family TODAY. So effective 1/20/22, you no longer work as a personal slave for your father-in-law and you're free to pamper YOURSELF as a result! Your DH and the rest of his family should be ashamed of themselves *which I'm sure they aren't* for putting you in this position to begin with. I'll bet you aren't even getting paid a thin dime for doing a job that should be paying you 6 figures a year! And then we have to listen to the CandyApple's of the world lecturing us about killing ourselves on behalf of an ungrateful elder but that it's our 'duty' to do so and that "God Will make sure you will get your due diligence. 🙏🏽" Um, how about NOW? How about the fact that YOUR life NOW is being RUINED with all of this caregiving and getting no help at all from this man's own children?? She can tell you till the cows come home that you are a 'better person' for doing this, too. That and 3 bucks will buy you a cuppa Starbucks, for godsake.

Resign. Today.

You're not in need of a 'pity party'. You're in need of a wake up call that you're being taken advantage of in a HUGE way here. Put a stop to it at once.

"You" are NOT the 'only answer' to this man's needs! Not for one second! There are paid caregivers to come into his home. There are his own children to care for him. There are Memory Care ALFs he can move into tomorrow who have entire STAFFS of caregivers working in 24 hour SHIFTs to accomplish what you alone are trying to do. Yes, there are other alternatives available for your FIL.

Good luck!
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
I like it. Put in your two weeks notice.
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happyharry: You need to resign from this 'position.' Eight years is far too long. You are done/finis.
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Hi I have done caregiving for mom 13months. I commend you for sacrificing yourself but Yes you need help request it the older son or daughter should be in charge and you help once in awhile but you have done your time and above you need rest and to be pamperd like a princess..Blessings to you. Talk to them and stand your ground..Believe me I got exhausted helping mom 4months into it 24/7 .. I talked to sibs finally I got action..We all have to live our lives to..((You take care of yourself You are a beautiful person))
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People quit jobs they are unhappy with after less than 8 years. Just because you are caring for a family member doesn't mean you have to do it till the " bitter end." If I were you, I would put in my resignation!
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BACK OFF.
Stop doing all you do.
And I have to ask about part of your post...
He can live alone EXCEPT for the past 8 weeks as he heals....
What happened 8 or 9 weeks ago that he is healing?
Personal opinion is that someone with dementia that needs help with
Cleaning up after accidents
Personal hygiene
changing foley bags
Showering
Cooking meals
Doing household chores
Should not be living alone. (well I guess he really is not living alone since to do all that you must be there 99.9% of the time)
If you hired someone NO caregiver would legally be allowed to care for someone 24/7.
Your FIL can pay to have caregivers some in and do what you have been doing.
What you and the rest of the family are doing is propping him up making believe that he can live alone.
Your priority is and should be your immediate family your kids, yourself and your husband.
I have to ask why is your husband, the son not the one staying with his dad for the past 8 weeks doing what you have been doing. This should be his responsibility.
Or
Why did your FIL not go to rehab if he was not able to care for himself?

This situation is not going to get better.
With dementia there is a decline.
At what point are you going to permanently move out of your house to care for your FIL?

One of the things that caregivers need to learn are BOUNDARIES. Set them and stick to them.

Is FIL a Veteran? If so contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and let them help determine what benefits he is entitled to.
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