She had only been there 11 days. After caring for her in her home for seven years with her increasing needs and then a terrible fall, I had a breakdown. I never saw her again on this earth. It is ripping my heart out. The nurses said she called for me. Knowing I never came just breaks me in two. I feel such great remorse and regret. I miss her more than I can say. I don’t know how to seek forgiveness. My brothers feel I should have kept her at home but I could no longer manage all her care needs, helper schedules, cleaning shopping cooking cleaning laundry. It was in the middle of Covid and her regular care doctor abandoned us to go to the front line clinics but left her patients lost unable to reach her. I felt so stressed and overwhelmed I crumbled. Now my heart is broken.
Why did all the work fall upon you? Because you’re a daughter and it’s what was expected of you? That’s wrong.
Just because she called your name doesn’t mean she needed you. It’s likely she wasn’t mentally cognizant at the time of her passing, which is very, very common. People dying will call out for relatives that died 50 years ago.
This isn’t your fault! It was her time. She was going to pass away regardless of where she was! Her sons didn’t want to help her and NO ONE could do it alone!
Your mother wouldn’t want you to suffer and blame yourself. She knows your heart and soul and how you felt about her. If she could, I think she’d tell you to enjoy and cherish your time on this earth. Her body may be gone but her soul and the love you both have will never go away!
You’ll always miss her and that’s okay. Just please stop blaming yourself. Peace.
For her doctor to leave her practice to tend to others without having a backup is poor practice.
What I am going to say will probably not make you feel better but it is something to think about.
With increasing needs and a terrible fall it is very possible that your mom would have died at home as well. And in about the same timeframe. Falls are difficult to recover from and along with a more rapid decline the body just can not recover as easily.
You are grieving.
It takes time.
The pain of the heartbreak will lessen.
Your mom is still with you. Talk to her when you need comfort, her words will fill your head and heart.
I am sure your mom would not want you to feel this pain.
She knows you did your best. No one can ask m ore of another.
You should talk to someone since your grief has not lessened. There are Bereavement Support Groups that can be very helpful. Or talk to your doctor about seeing some one individually.
I also think it was unnecessary for the nurses to say that she called for you. If they knew that you would not be able to be there telling you that can be hurtful. Not being with a loved one when they die is difficult enough but to think they may have been calling you makes it even harder.
You have done nothing that you need to seek forgiveness for.
((hugs))
i try hard to listen for my mom’s words and feel her near. This is the greatest loss i have ever known. mom and i were friends, travel buddies and mother and daughter. with those last roles reversed towards the end.
All those years i tried so so hard to keep her safe and well and happy. I never dreamed it could ever have ended this way. i had no children. she was the one i tried so hard to make happy.
i miss her with my heart and my soul. To have cared for her so closely for so long, it is hard just getting up each day and trying to readjust to a day without her in it. i love her forever and always. i miss her so much.
Thank you.