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In reading other answers including yours, you mentioned he liked music. My brother became incapable of using a phone or a laptop. His love was classic rock. I got him an Alexa. I’ve never seen him ask Alexa for music but the staff and hospice ask Alexa for the Beatles or the Eagles or whoever. Hospice brought a guitarist early in his stay. He opened up and started talking, laughing and smiling, and the next time his daughter brought his guitar to play with the musician. We found music relaxed him and made him happy and cooperative. The Alexa was totally worth it. The staff there cares enough to keep the music going.
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I had to adjust my thinking and my mother became a nice, mildly nutty lady I'd visit in the memory care instead of my mother. She bore little resemblance to my mother physically or in personality, and it became difficult to care about her as my mother. That's when I just consciously made the decision to visit that lady and not focus on who she had been and what I'd lost. I just wanted to brighten her day a little whenever possible, so that's what I did.

That shift in my mindset really helped me the last few months of Mom's life, because she just became less and less a person I knew. It's what got me through to the end, and I was glad to have not given up on her.

You'll realize later after he's gone that the husband you loved "died" a long time before his body died, and you'll understand that you're going through your grief now while he's still on the earth. It's a very strange feeling, because you feel like proper grief is supposed to start when the person dies. I still don't feel like I properly grieved my mother even though she died last July. However, my brother wisely pointed out that she'd been gone for years and we'd grieved a bit every day already.

Try not to dwell on what's gone and live in the moment as much as you can. It isn't the way it was, but it's the way it is and there's value in that as well.
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This is who your husband is NOW. Accept. the NOW for whatever it is as it evelves.
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We mostly go to the nursing home to visit our loved ones for THEM.

Can you imagine how lonely he must feel. Can't you give a part of you up
to make him smile, or at least to feel cared for? I realize you went thru a lot
with him...but imagine being in the nursing home yourself and not being
visited because people only thought of the way they felt?

It would be wonderful of you to go visit your husband. Even though he
doesn't seem like the man you married....he is!!!!!
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
The OP did NOT say she ISN'T going to visit him! She says, "Thank you. Please don't worry. I am not going to stop seeing him. I have to take him snacks as he is a snacker and I am not going to let him go without. The nursing home is good about giving him stuff, but he likes different things and I take those to him. :) He was doing pretty good when I saw him day before yesterday. I am planning on going again tomorrow. :) Hugs,
Wander"
Before leaving guilt inducing remarks, you should read what is actually said! If you are 'empathetic', try leaving empathetic comments!
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After all you two have been through, it’s no wonder why you’re 😢 sad. Now that nicer weather is coming, go sit outside with him. I’m sure SNF put him in wheelchair. Talk to Dietitian about his diet, & getting him protein drink. Maybe bring books or newspapers for him to read. Hugs 🤗
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We all dislike visiting the nursing home. We do it because it makes them happy. Our loved ones are not the same as they were before, and they never will be.

Try to laugh with them as much as you can. Do enjoyable things like games and puzzles. Bring your husband's favorite music. Tell him stories of old, good memories.

We are with you and we understand your pain.
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HATE TO SAY IT, BUT YOU'RE BEING VERY SELFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT CAN'T BARE TO SEE THEIR LOVED ONES SICK....HOW CAN YOU ABANDON YOUR HUSBAND? WHEN I CARE OR GO TO SEE SOMEONE
THAT I CARE ABOUT....IT'S NOT ABOUT ME....I DO IT FOR THEM, THEM,
THEM.
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I hear you. I dislike NH.
My husband too has worse and worse progression of PD,
it seems like every week there is something new, but with him is physical symptoms. Cognitively he remains unchanged, also extremely smart, but his interests are diminishing as he is getting tired easily, increase in medication and additional strong meds for pain make him sleepy, day and night.
He tried and tried, PT, every treatment, diagnosed in 2015, I suspect it was there already for maybe 5 years before diagnosis. I went thru trying to do everything to now feeling more of taking care of myself and getting my life back and interesting, realizing with this horrible disease there is no cure and everything gets worse. So I am at the point of anticipatory grieving, it does not mean somebody is dying immediately, although possibility is greater with each stage, I am coming to acceptance. One professional told me to distance myself.
Hope you can find your coping skills too.
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