My 84 yr old (soon to be 85) mom is now in mid stage dementia, although I don't know that her ALZ has progressed that far. Still, she doesn't want to be here. My stepdad passed 9 years ago and she's been grieving for him ever since. She periodically has vivid dreams of him standing by her bed and telling her he's coming back for her soon. Sometimes she seems frightened by the dreams and other times she seems to be looking forward to it happening. Almost every day she says she's lived too long and/or she's tired of living.
And I ride a roller coaster of emotions. I love her - well, I love who she used to be before these terrible conditions started to remake her. She was vibrant, a bit vain (she was beautiful when she was younger and people still comment how lovely she is for her age), active, involved, secure, confident, smart.... Now about the only one of those adjectives that still fit is vain! LOL. Now, though, she's insecure, staid, reclusive, anxious, depressed, losing grip on reality, losing her ability to take care of herself, losing the desire to take care of herself. In the 7 months since she was officially diagnosed she's mentally, emotionally and physically declined tremendously.
And as for me, within almost the same heartbeat, as I wait for her to wake up in the mornings, I half hope she'll have passed peacefully in her sleep and then am terrified that she did and I've lost her. I worry that I'll grow to resent who she becomes and who I become from burning out as her caregiver. I worry that my daughter's only real memories of her grandparents will be of her Papa declining from Parkinson's during her teen years and her Sasa declining from dementia and ALZ 10 years later.
Tell me I'm not alone. Tell me I'm not horrible for wanting this to end before it gets worse. Tell me it's okay to miss my mom even when she's standing in front of me. Tell me its normal to want to grasp her as tight as possible before she slips further away.
Everything I had read about end-stage CHF was that it was completely unpredictable and could last from a few weeks to a few years. I kept thinking, "How could she possibly get worse than she already is?" She desperately wanted to join my dad in Heaven (he passed a year and a half earlier).
She ended up passing away on her caregiver's day off, and I was the only one with her in the house (which was very difficult). There was a sense of relief, but also a sense of loss (and some guilt as well, as the day she passed I wondered if she truly felt as bad as she said she did or if she was just trying to make me feel bad for bringing in a full-time caregiver). What I have discovered is that as time passes, the bad things that happened in her last few months tend to fade away and the great memories take over.
Do not feel guilty for feeling the way you to, as I believe it is perfectly normal. The last few months of my mom's life were some of the most difficult of my life, but now I believe she is at peace. Sending prayers to you and your mom. <3
My father doesnt have dementia but has recently had a below the knee amputation and is so depressed and I often feel the same way watching him deteriorate is so hard, so heartbreaking. I am his caregiver and only child. It is heartbreaking. You are not alone. Please do not feel guilty. I have those feelings too. We only dont want to see them this way. I'm so sorry youre hurting.
I try to get here every 4th week and find myself clinging to these visits likely for me as much as for him. His quality of life is just not there (nor has it been for quite some time) when I see the frail 92 year old he's become I know that it won't be that much longer so I'm trying my best to savor our time.
Perhaps others find the same thing. I find myself hoping for deeper, meaningful conversations that I can carry with me once he's gone. I feel fortunate. Even tho Mom was in late stage dementia when we lost her, the final two weeks of her life were some of the most tender, enlightening visits I'd had in years and selfishly I'm looking for the same thing from him.
This journey we're all on is not for the faint of heart and how we chose to experience it is a personal choice. My brothers for example prefer to ignore the inevitability of what's coming. (personally I need to to feel it all and not sweep it under the carpet)
Several years ago I started to write a novel that is loosely based on her/their life and recognized that her mind was slipping away I decided to record some of our conversations on my phone. Many of the things she said during those conversations were inconsequential at the time but after re-listening there were a couple of pearls that make me grateful that I have record of it. (and fyi I simply hit record, placed my phone near her and let the conversation unfold) Perhaps this is something you would like to try?
My thoughts are with you, give her as many hugs as you can and lean on us. Many of us are walking the same path :-)))
You are not alone, you are definitely not a horrible person for wanting it to end, as a caregiver I’ve felt that sooo many times. It’s totally ok to miss your mom and of course grasp her right and give her the love she needs. I have learnt that the only thing that helps me get through it all is trying very hard to stay positive, as a caregiver I have felt every feeling a human can possibly feel, my advice is just don’t give up, take things slow and deal with 1 day at a time. Try your hardest not to worry because worrying today destroys your tomorrow, if that makes sense?? Things are going to happen and just do what you can, become stronger by allowing yourself to accept that you are a human being, we are not machines we get mad and frustrated, we get sad and depressed and loose gooey, lol I mean hope, I “hope” that made you laugh a little at my mistake :) Just remember your a human being not a super hero. Allow yourself to accept this, and allow yourself to accept that feelings are normal in all of us humans.
In the end, I prayed every day for her to pass. I completely burnt out from the care, and made some poor decisions for her end of life, because I could not accept what the doctors told me.
DO NOT beat yourself up, you sound amazing, and I am sure your mom is happy to have you. True, selfless love is not wanting the person to suffer.
I pray for what ever brings you peace.
Do you have pictures of them when they were younger? Photos of when your mother was beautiful and your father strong would be a great place to start. Keep a journal of things you remember about them that was funny or exciting or unusual. Even the mundane (gramma was a fantastic baker, her macaroons were terrific) can put them in a different light for your daughter. When your mom is being difficult see if it would help to ask her questions (that she would remember) about your dad or your step dad, share little stories. When my mom was able to see better and write better I got her started on writing some of her memories down. I realize that might be a bit late for your mom but verbally she might enjoy reminiscing with your daughter.
As to the ambivalence you are feeling about her death, as others have said it is natural to feel that way. One day I will be walking with mom at her ALF and feeling that she is a shell of her former self and the next I can't wait to call her and tell her some good news. It is a sort of grieving process and you can only go with the flow of it. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs to you and mom.
Tell me I'm not horrible for wanting this to end before it gets worse. YOU'RE NOT
Tell me it's okay to miss my mom even when she's standing in front of me.
IT'S OK
Tell me its normal to want to grasp her as tight as possible before she slips further away. IT'S NORMAL
We will tell you these things because they are all true, but now you have to believe it and find peace with it. I hope you can and do. Hugs.
When your mom talks about dying reassure your mom that when she does die you will be alright. That your daughter will be alright. That you, the family will miss her. She might just be waiting for you to say those words.
My Husband was in his 60's when he was diagnosed, it was a long 12 years watching the man I love fade away. I had the same thoughts that you are having.
In the mean time all you can do is
Tell her that you love her
Give her hugs, hold her hand
Tell her you are there for her
If she enjoys, and understands photos take out the photo albums and try to get some stories out of her, maybe some you never heard. Get your daughter involved with this if she would like.
But don't push you don't say how old she is but this is a very tough time and everyone handles these emotions differently and there is no right way or wrong way.
You are not a terrible person, it is simply the reality of the roller coaster of being a caregiver. We go through such a variety of emotions from day to day because we are human. I know that I love my mom, but sometimes I wish that she could be taken out of her misery, then I feel guilty thinking about all she has done for me in my life and I start feeling somehow unappreciative of the sacrifices and lengths she went to for me. I've found that we just have to give ourselves permission to be human and feel what we feel. Those feelings are always in flux so it makes no sense to punish ourselves for them. Through it all, we love our parent and only want to do all we can to lessen their suffering, to give them the dignity they deserve as they move toward the end of their life.
Give yourself permission to be human...for me, it is the only way I have been able to keep from feeling resentful. Please know that what you are feeling is completely normal. I am sending love and comfort to you..stay strong and as has been said by others, a good cry helps every time. I set aside time every couple of weeks to have a good cry...it sort of like a reset for me and clears all that heavy stuff out. God bless you and your mom...
You're not alone with these feelings Kirafaye-I'm glad you reached out here-I hope you feel comforted by all the responses. I'm so very grateful for this community board-I've asked questions here before and always felt supported.
She's become a Debbie Downer, will only watch news or Datelines, 48 Hours, Forensic Files and considers me her property by 6pm each day so we can watch these shows exclusively. I've tried others, but it's just easier to do it her way. She's obsessed with laxatives and has a hoard that I've yet to find, but I do know when she takes them. House is the one I grew up in, only 1,100 sq ft, but she's good at hiding things. Forgot to mention it is in a high crime area of Dallas. I moved from a nearby suburb where things were newer and peaceful after selling the house I built and loved.
She was the baby of her family. Now, everything centers around her. If something bad happens, it's her fault. She loves a good pity party or worry session but I refuse, sometimes hourly, to listen. I explain that it sucks my soul and she has others who will listen but I'm not one of them.
True story: About 30 years ago, my sister's ex did something awful to her. She told my mother and my mother told me, ending the story with saying it was HER fault because she missed church on Wednesday night! I told her that explains a lot - I didn't know God allowed things to happen, good or bad, based on her choices. Just an example of one of the things that's become more exaggerated as she ages. And the pattern of indirect communication. I don't triangulate.
I need quiet time, so I now get up no later than 6am. Thankfully, I've got her going to bed at 7:30pm after watching recorded murder. I, too, wonder when she sleeps past 7:30 if this is the day. And I'm fine if it ever turns out to be.
Stories about people living to be in their late 90s and older rock what sanity I have left. I'm fairly convinced she will outlive me. I talk to geckos in the yard just to be heard. Needless to say, I seldom get out and therapy isn't an option since leaving her unsupervised isn't an option. Thank you for your honest post and, if you read this to the end, you are a saint! We aren't alone.
It sounds like you feel isolated and a bit burned out. I think looking at respite care options, a short vacation, even a weekend, or full day off, might help. I encourage you to seek out a support group for caregivers, perhaps through a church or organization in your area.
There is some joy to be found in the journey...my mother in law had a great sense of humor and it would pop out every mow and then, like sunshine through the clouds on rainy days. Embrace those moments...and hold on. Dwell on those good days, good memories. Journaling helped me...sanity through lost sleep and the endless piles of urine soaked laundry every day.
At the end, the saving grace was dinners in the back yard under the old tree where I have the grill...with a bottle of wine shared with my husband after her bedtime, and our dogs for company. Moments of peace in the middle of chaos.