For my entire life, so long as my parents were concerned, nothing I could do was good enough. I expended a lot of energy doing & excelling, looking for approval that never materialized. Now my mother is widowed, mid-90s and lives in a 55+ IL. I am 30 minutes away from her; my bro & his wife live a few blocks. Mom's proud to be "independent." It's a charade, of course. The only things she does for herself are dress/undress, toilet, in/out of bed, and feed herself--when she bothers to eat. She also participates in a couple of group activities at the facility each week. My B & SIL do *literally* everything else for her, bathing, laundry, cleaning, doctor appointments, groceries, and cooking included. I've dithered in guilt since I found out how much they've begun doing. On the other hand, in the past when I've offered to help I've been brushed off. To my relief, actually. But now they want me to start cleaning her apartment regularly. She has fired I don't know how many cleaners because they couldn't please her, so there's no future in suggesting she hire someone. I foresee nothing but grief from her if I take it on. Would it be fair for me to set ground rules? As in, she has to be out of the apartment when I'm cleaning, and the first complaint from her ends the whole arrangement? Personally, I think she belongs in AL. But I stay out of decision-making, as my B is her POA.
I also think it's great you have a team here with Brother & SIL. My advice is to check-in with them. How's it going? Is a small upgrade of services needed, or time for a whole new plan?
If Mother needs a cleaner - she hires a cleaner - this is reasonable. Anybody saying YOU have to be the cleaner - unreasonable. You can choose to if you wish of course!
Your profile says Mother has some dementia/Alz? The symptoms can differ but it is progressive.
To be blunt: Mother is no longer fully Independent.
Right now she is Inter-Depependant, relying on family. This will increase & can cause conflict as each sibling will differ in how much they can/will do. I think of it as a slippery slope until reaching the next stage: Dependant. By then most will need full-time caregivers (either in home or facility).
You are right to listen to your inner concerns regarding the cleaning... it is more than that. It is stepping onto the slippery slope.
What is reasonable for you to do? What is reasonable for your Bro & SIL to do before you all call time on IL & move to AL?
Your brother is what’s called the Golden Child... the favorite. You, however, are the Scapegoat. Never doing anything right (in her eyes, anyway), blamed, criticized. It is extremely common that a narcissistic mother favors the son and craps on the daughter. They see daughters as competition or as a reflection of themselves... and that’s bad because Narcissistic moms, no matter how much they seem to love themselves, don’t.
There’s also a great book: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” By Karyl McBride. Great place to start.
It also has to do with personalities. My parent can be a little snippy and hardcore at times and I see the exact personality in a couple of my siblings. Especially in the oldest one who says she's not taking care of anyone.
I never had any more attention that the others. Never received all the praise. The difference was I didn't argue the stupid things with her. If it didn't matter, let it go. I have a personal expectation for myself of doing my best NOT to say anything I would regret should it be the last conversation with someone. Siblings and even my parent pretty much think it's ok to speak their mind. Right! Ok for them, but not for others! I refuse to deliberately hurt someone's feelings just to speak my mind. I can usually think about something and get my point out in a more diplomatic way.
Feeling unsure about setting ground rules sounds like you are feeling guilty about even thinking about it. Someone once told me that guilt is resentment turned inward.
Great suggestion to go in with your headphones on with your favorite music. Do what needs to be done, be as pleasant as possible, and leave before you start to feel like a child again trying to please a disapproving parent.
God Bless you....you are not alone.
Stop banging your head against her brick wall. You’re annoyed which is totally understandable. It’s horribly frustrating! I wish you peace.
If you don't want to do the cleaning, then hire someone and they work for YOU. She cannot fire them. If she has complaints about the cleaning, she takes it up with you. If legitimate, YOU deal with the cleaning service.
And no, you shouldn't be able to walk away from the arrangement the first time she complains. That's like setting this up to fail from the beginning since you already know she's going to complain about something. Like I said, if all brother asked for was cleaning, that's minor. Go do it, let her gripe a little, take her to lunch or bring lunch in and do your best to have a meaningful visit. If nothing else, clean and go home. Help your brother, don't hinder him.
Telling your brother and his wife the first complaint from Mom and Im gone. Well then don't waste their time helping. I would think getting mom out for an hour or two while you do this task is a rational thing,
Having gone thru this with my wifes brothers and sisters while she carried the full burden for many years, they NEVER helped. if ALL they are asking is to clean her place once a week and they are carrying the rest. I suggest you role up your sleeves and help out. If Mom makes stupid comments ignore it. Think about helping your brother and his wife not her. Keep in mind some day you may be old and need some help. Also my Mother In Law was an absolute witch. I put up with a lot for a lot of years because my interest was supporting my wife not helping my Mother In Law.
The old S#!4 sandwich!
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