NeedHelpWithMom Asked April 2019
I catch myself thinking that I will feel lost after my mom dies. What has been your experience after losing a parent? Please share.
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I tell my husband often how much I love and appreciate him. Of course, I did the same for his mom when she was ill with Lymphoma. I helped care for her. I miss her. She was so sweet and her laugh was so contagious! She had a wonderful sense of humor. She was a fabulous MIL. I often thanked her for raising such a lovely son.
Now my MIL’s mom was a totally different story! She was a miserable woman. My MIL would say that most people learned what to do from their moms but that she learned what not to do from hers. Very sad. I took care of my husband’s grandma when my MIL became ill and it wasn’t easy! She complained before being sick, during and even wrote hate letters to everyone before she died. Most want to make peace with others before dying. not her! She was a mess! I suspected she had mental issues but wouldn’t speak to a doctor, therapist or even the parish priest.
You really are correct in your advice. I thank you for pointing all of this out to me. Yeah, I remember being parents in the earlier days, we fell in love with those kids and sometimes forgot about being a couple. It is a good analogy.
It sometimes takes awhile before couples start to notice each other again. I feel like after the kids moved out that I would have loved having my husband all to myself again. Didn’t work out like that but it surely would have been nice. Of course I love my mom. Just like I love my kids but couples need time just for themselves.
Even just being together all the time, concerning habits or quirks, too much togetherness can work on each other’s nerves.
We welcomed mom into our lives and she was grieving over the loss of her home and belongings, cherished memories ruined, etc. due to Hurricane Katrina. So, we replaced everything. She was starting over. Beginning a new chapter in her life. An adjustment for all of us. It simply never went back to how it was. You know, a healthy balance in a family. She was there! Always! No more privacy, ever!
Also, my husband doesn’t want her to feel left out, so when he surprises me with flowers he buys her flowers too. I find that very touching because we told her when she moved in that it was “our home now, not yours and mine.” We truly felt that way. Plus, we were comforting her after the loss of my dad and the storm, etc. The storm changed all of our lives. However, the most important thing was that we escaped the storm and saved our lives. Many died in Katrina. We were all and still are grateful for that.
I know a few couples who divorced after the storm. They couldn’t handle the stress that occurred with it and sadly their relationship crumbled.
Life has many detours and ups and downs. I have proven that I can ride out a storm but I just want to look forward to relaxing and having fun! Oh, I know life happens and there are always mishaps. That’s fine but I need to know I won’t have some kind of guilt complex. Almost like survivor’s guilt and this is entirely a different situation.
My daughter has a friend that had an awful accident with her long time boyfriend. He died and she literally watched him bleed out and die. She went numb. Shock. She stayed isolated. After awhile she began dating a lovely guy and problems began in the relationship.
She couldn’t become intimate again for fear of losing someone again. The guy was patient but finally told her to take some time away from him to figure it out. I think the big trigger happened when she had to appear in court to settle the case as a witness and it rehashed the memories of the accident so vividly in her mind, guess she was dealing with some PTSD. So sad.
I know that my mom and I have developed some sort of codependent relationship and I get concerned about that.
In my opinion, your husband is a saint.
If you have not been alone with your husband for 14 years, then that is going to feel like dating all over again. I think that sometimes caregivers are like parents. They get so caught up with who they are caring for that they loose contact with their spouse like some married people do in raising their children. I'm sure you have known of couples who were so caught up in raising their children that they let their relationship with each other slide only to find themselves strangers living in an empty nest.
No one knows exactly how they will react in the future. You may fall apart because she has been your world.
You could do some things now to help prevent that like taking some alone time now with your husband, your grown daughters and your friends. Hire someone to look after your mom while you get out for a break. Taking care of yourself and your relationships like that will feel awkward to start with but it is a way to prepare yourself for the transition when she does die.
I think I have forgotten how to think of myself because she has been my whole world. I do want to have a part of life for me though.
I can’t actually put my finger on it. I just catch myself drifting off wondering how I will deal with it all. Am I going to fall apart? Will I be numb? Will I feel relief? Relief from doing so much for her. Is feeling relief wrong? I want to do activities that I miss. I’m just not sure what I will feel other than missing her, being relieved that she is no longer in discomfort due to her Parkinson’s disease and so forth. Mom says to me, “It’s hell being old.” Makes me not to want to become really old like her but I want some time left with my husband, grown children and friends.
The thought of time alone with hubby is so sweet to me. I miss that. My mom did not do any of this with her mom. Grandma lived in her own house and still drove! Grandma died at 85, not being sick, just dropped dead one day, her heart just stopped. It’s what she wanted. She always told me that she didn’t want to suffer for a long time like my grandpa did. Well, God answered her prayers! It’s how I want to go too!
I think that is how I will be. Thinking of her continually. We become so intimate in caregiving.
I know that you are right. I do know. It’s the logical answer. It is. Just hard. Thanks so much. Food for thought.
I find your answer so touching. I feel your heart in your words. I had the same feelings for my dad, ‘daddy’s little girl.’ I adored my father. He died in 2002. He was so easy to care for. I was busy bringing him back and forth to the speech therapist and so forth, after the heart surgery and stroke he was never the same. My father was a gentle, humble soul.
I know I grieved for him but was still so involved in caring for mom. I think when mom is gone it will hit me harder.
Mom was still in her home when my dad died. I did the driving back and forth, shopping, doctor appointments, banking, etc. Then hurricane Katrina hit. All hell broke loose, thank God for the wonderful people in Texas that welcomed so many of us from New Orleans. Was hard being cramped into a hotel suite with my girls, hubby and mom. Hotel rooms in Houston were scarce due to so many people flooding their city.
I decided to call a good friend of mine who moved to Houston to have lunch with her, and she asked us to stay with her until we were allowed to go back to New Orleans.
She has a huge house in Texas, a wonderful son and husband and that made our time away much nicer. I will never forget her hospitality. She’s a wonderful friend.
My mom couldn’t return home, nine feet of water, home had to be demolished. We took her in, it was getting to be time for her not to be alone. I had asked her to move in when my father died but she wanted to remain home and I respected that. After the storm, she looked at me and said, “Okay, I will move into your house now.” I guess you might say that Hurricane Katrina made the decision for her. It was an emotional time for all of us. That was my childhood home.
Everything in mom’s house had been knocked off the walls except my graduation picture. Isn’t that funny? My nephew said that it was a symbol of being a survivor.
I do fear feeling like an orphan like you. Is that silly? I am 63!
I cried when I read you danced with your mom, so sweet. We become so intimate when we care for our parents, don’t we?
I loved your response. It helps to see how others are coping. Thanks, MayDay.
We try to pick up, and keep going forward, but me, I sometimes get stuck on the same lil tape reel stuck in my head, and keep going round and round.
Katrina gave you an extra kick that you really didn't need, but you did see the light at the end of the tunnel with caring friends and family, AND your mom decided Now was the time to move. :)
YOU ARE A SURVIVOR :)
i went on to live the life of travel we planned...everything I do reminds me that we were going to do it together.
i miss her. I always will
You need to start now participating
in activities outside of caregiving. It's not wrong to do things socially, with
family and friends... it's a necessity. So many caregivers have only caregiving
as their life that when that "job" ends there is a huge void.
It's imperative to create a life
separate from your mother, and from your caregiving responsibilities... Attend
your place of worship... get involved in activities there, or participate in a
meet-up of an interest you have... hiking, cooking, cards, dancing, etc...
schedule a short vacation to start, go out to dinner with your husband and/or
friends and leave caregiving topics at home... start now doing things you are
currently putting off... It's imperative and doing things outside of your
caring for your mother will actually make you more compassionate and caring
because you're also caring for yourself and your other relationships.
Yes, you will miss your mother and
the time you have spent together, but it is so important not to put everyone
and everything else on hold... I know both personally and professionally what
that does to our lives...
Start small and you'll discover
that you can have a life now outside of caregiving.
and we breathe...
Mom is an important part of my life. I remember when her mother died. She would wake up in the middle of night, and just start crying. I do that too. I can't sleep a lot of the time.
You don't get over it, you go through it, sometimes roughly, and sometimes calmly. Every day is different. I miss my parents. Losing dad was hard; losing mom was that much harder. We took care of eachother for many years. She lost her sister, I gave her a reason to keep going, I had a baby for her to look forward to seeing and helping out.
Mom got ALZ, we danced together.
Take it easy, go slow, it is a process, and talk to her in your heart , out loud, whatever it takes. She hears you, and most likely will answer you too :)
You are not going to happily bounce back, no way, you love your mom, but with your family and friends, you will get through it. It is okay.
When my dad got cancer, I was afraid to talk about the 'END'. No way was I going to have that conversation. I had to, we had to. He got cancer. With mom, there wasn't talking about it, she got ALZ. Towards the end, she couldn't talk. I ache thinking about it.
It will take time, but you will get there. Eventually, I will get there too.
There is no set time for grieving to stop... It is a "wound" and it will heal with time, hopefully... Yes, but there may be some sort of scar.