I didn’t sign up for this, living with MIL and I hate it. I want to run away. Is that my only option?

Next time, ask yourself, “Even if he never changes, even if this situation never changes, is this something I can live with?”

My advice: RUN!

You married a fantasy of what he could be, of what life could be, rather than what is.

It sounds like your husband is more attached to his mother than to you. That relationship is much more long-standing than your own with him. Be prepared for him to choose her, but don't expect the dynamics of all the relationships concerned to change greatly even if mother had more separate living accomodations. It sounds like you entered into an already established relationship, and if you stay, you will continue to play second fiddle to MIL and you will be expected to adapt. Not worth the emotional agony.

I believe this story's writing was on the wall from the day you met the man and you didn't pay close attention. His mom was living with him for 3 years even before you met him. His mom was living with him the entire time you were dating, became engaged and followed thru with the wedding. Regardless of what your boyfriend/fiance/husband said to you at any point in the timeline, I think you knew what was up and hoped for the best anyway. But actions speak louder than words and you weren't listening.
You are not a victim in this, you helped to create it. End it. Get some counseling that will provide you with the skills to make healthier choices to build a beautiful life in your future. Everybody deserves a beautiful life.

Good luck!

OH, I forgot to mention one VERY important thing.
DO not even think about having a child now.
As a matter of fact I think I would be wearing a "onsie" to bed until this is straightened out.

Set a time limit for MIL to leave, say six months...meanwhile make an exit plan. Don't let these people use you, take advantage of you, love yourself enough to say 'goodbye'! Don't get pregnant, you will be stuck living with this craziness! It sounds pretty miserable! Sorry this happened to you. xo

Partly due to quoting what you've posted and partly because I have a lot to say, this will be 3 parts, with the other parts posted as a reply to this post!

"...she was having a house built..."
Was she really, or is that the story you were told? As others noted, generally having a house built requires a contract, commitment and non-refundable good-sized deposit! Did you ever see the location, plans, anything?

"...and was supposed to be going to stay with someone until she could move in, so we would have our privacy as newlyweds."
Although she was there during the day, she, in her own way, granted you the "newlywed" period by sleeping elsewhere at night. Clearly the newlywed period is OVER, at least for her (and maybe him.)

"...our home..."
IS it "our" home? Is it in his and your names? If not, it isn't "our" home. If it is in his name, bad enough. Is her name on the deed? Either way, this will be held over your head at some point!

"It’s been over a year now..."
No good homes, not looking, doesn't sound like there are any plans to move. As others noted, there are senior living places, apartments, etc that could be taken until the right house is found, but none of those options seem to occur to anyone else in "your" home.

"I hate living here, MIL runs the house, and my husband gets mad if I even mention trying to tell her anything. I feel like I’ve got to hide away in another room all day, and she’ll still come find me in there. Her friend also comes over all day, every day, and they have loud conversations and watch loud tv."

Again, whose home is this? Be realistic.

"I’ve tried telling my husband how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with the living arrangement, but he’ll just say he’s sorry I’m unhappy and won’t try to make any changes. He says she’s in poor health and we have to be nice. Though if I mention how if her health is so bad, maybe she should look into senior living, he says she’s a strong, capable woman."
Flip-flopping. Either she's capable or she isn't.
Sounds like they have all the answers...

"She’s only in her 60s, and her own mother is still living (in a nursing home) in her 80s. I didn’t agree to live with another woman in the home, ...
In a way, you did - she was there.
"...and I certainly can’t go on like this for another 20 or 30 years. I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving? The way things have gone so far, if I tell my husband it’s me or his mother, I’m not sure he’s going to pick me."

The only way to find out who he will pick is to follow through. You could try the week or two away others suggested, but somehow I don't think he will be crawling to you, begging you to come back. Even if he did, what will change? I'm in my later 60s and live ALONE. If I need something done that I can't manage, I hire someone. Although this comment came later, it fits better here:

"His parents separated when he was young, so she raised him as a single mom. Nothing else traumatic."

We also divorced when my kids were young (son was ~3yo.) It was NEVER a nice divorce (tried my best to keep even keel, he was always complaining about the pittance we were getting and trying to drive a wedge between the kids and I.) While I can understand some devotion to his mother, for having taken on a tough job alone, this "arrangement" doesn't sound right. As for how long she might live, her own mother is still living at 80+. My mother is still living (in MC BTW) at 97! That's a long long wait to have some marital privacy and a dicey situation for raising children in (will she bow to YOUR ideas on child-rearing, or interfere every step of the way?) As she ages, will YOU be the one providing all the hands-on care? I'd lay 5 bucks on that...

To be continued...

You and your husband are married which means you are a team. No one should be allowed To be in the middle of the two of you. Your husband should not be in the middle of you and his mother. No triangles .
He needs to support you and be your team member.
It will not improve and there won’t be any solution unless he realises this.
If he doesn’t, then be loving to yourself and leave.
Don't spend energy competing for him or trying to convince him. Tell him your a team. You love him.
If he chooses otherwise. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Yep, pack your bags and leave now. If you’re going to make a statement...make it BIG. Mean what you say and say what you mean . Don’t return until she’s permanently gone and the locks have been changed. If you don’t, you’ll be second in your husbands heart to this woman forever. “A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her father and the two shall cleave together.”
I have a daughter in law and I would NEVER interfere with their privacy or assume I could move into their home. I honor my DIL and recognize that my dear son’s allegiance is to his wife first, not to me.
Good luck!

My husband moved his mom in with us five years ago, against my wishes. She is now 97. I have been so resentful, but I have stopped lashing out at my husband. Honestly, I still don’t like it, especially because he dotes on her. But, she and I work pretty hard to be kind and civil to each other. Not worth a divorce, certainly. If she outlives next, I’ll be of a different opinion! 🤪

Find her an apartment where maintenance takes care of things. There is no need for her to live with you. If you have kids one day and shes in the house you may find yourself in an even worse situation. You'll be the odd man out.

Just a suggestion that I haven't seen yet: print all of this out and ask your husband to sit down and read it. Then ask if he is willing to talk about this situation and do some serious problem solving WITH A PROFESSIONAL MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. You both need to be coached how to listen to the other, because both of you are feeling hurt and defensive. (Did you hear me? BOTH of you? You are so upset that you are making him defensive.)

And no, despite the empathy expressed by some respondents, MIL has no part in this. This is about your marriage. Her needs are an issue that exists outside of that marriage.

But first, make sure you have an escape planned. If he still says no, you are out the next day with no further conversation.

If you find no resolve in letting your husband know how your feeling, that doesn't say much for him, and it doesn't say much for how he views your marrage, it makes him look like a "mommas boy"and theres really nothing worse, how long have you been married now? If he wont stand up for you to his mother now, sad to say, he prob never will.i cant help but feel that wont change. And if you are so miserable he should see it, dont sound like he does, and if he dont thats a HUGE RED FLAG for you. If you can support yourself, then leaving and standing your ground just might not be a bad idea, but if you did leave, having an attorney prob wud be a good idea. Ive been married for 28 yrs now, and have had issues with my MIL, BUT HAVE stuck it out by coming up with ways to deal with it, BUT, shes not ever lived with us.
I will say in your husbands defense, it sucks to be in a situation of choosing between a spose and parent.almost a year ago I had to tell my mother she couldnt live with me anymore, and it was very difficult. And now she has dementia and its really hard, cuz she hates the assisted living facility shes at and begs me to bring her back to my home, so its not the easiest thing to do. BUT, my mom is 82, not 60, and she has physical and mental issues. Thats the only defense i have for your hubby. And it does seem like you got duped somehow. leaving now is a better idea than waiting, since youve not been married very long, if thats how you really feel as being your only option.just make sure its what you really feel. Im really sorry your going thru these things.If you believe in God, ask him to help you see things with clarity, He can see you through all of this, but you have to really trust Him.Ill be praying for you,
Blessings abundant to you, may you have strength and wisdom, and peace, with any decisions you make.
And remember, you have friends here, thats what this site is about, Not being alone!

From the looks of the responses and my gut-instinct, you are better off out of there, if MIL remains. Unless she leaves, you will have a very unhappy life. Your expectations and promises made, prior to your marriage, have not been fulfilled - that's a red flag for other issues down the road.

I don't really understand about the home she "gave away" to the builders, but if possible, could a MIL cottage be built on your property? A small detached or semi-attached place for a bed, bath, small kitchen and living area? My sister's mother- in- law moved in with them for 15 years. It wasn't perfect, but because she had a wing in one house and a private cottage in another, it was tolerable. And her mother-in-law was a sweetheart. But my sister is a private person and her needs were at least addressed.Your husband's mother would be near, could have meals together..at least one a day, but some privacy would be gained and the main house would be YOURS. Good luck!

I really wish I had an answer for you. However, I am in a VERY similar situation. Although my MIL is older and in the mid to late stage of Alzheimer’s/Dementia. I have spoken to my husband several different times about how I feel and that she is dominating our lives. At this point my MIL isn’t aware of much; except for her basic needs, focusing on her son, and her anxiety/sundowns. I think it would be better if she were with professionals and others her age. I do love her; but, I want my marriage. Yes, I want my husband - for myself! I don’t like “sharing”. My husband is very close with his Mom as he is an only child and his Father passed many years ago. My husband is adamant that his Mom is with us. He has said that he feels that he owes this to her for everything she did for him as a child. To a point I understand. But, I always feel second. She is his, top, priority. Now, he does try to show me that he loves me. Well, I could go on. But, I
just wanted to let you know that I completely sympathize. I hope you find some help.

Examine your options. If you feel like you have none, then build one. Do you have employment? education? If not (and I understand it isn't a great time for it) seriously start looking, work on your resume, check the local market, look into community colleges for a trade in demand (dental technician, medical coder, floral arrangement??) Taking a class or having a job, even volunteering or maybe a useful hobby will give you some structure and activity outside the home. This will build your confidence and give a serious statement about your discontent. You may even find that getting out of the house, having other people to talk to, and something of your own may put a whole new perspective on the household.
If no one notices, that's a sign. If they try to prevent you, that's a sign.
You haven't mentioned children or if there maybe a religious or ethnic issue so I am going to work on the theory that you are putting up with this out of hope for what you dreamed of when you married him, but Sweetie, you have been had.

I have not read any other answers but I will just state what I would do. I first have a one on one meeting with my husband. I would tell him all my feelings. See what his solution to it is, to be completed in how many weeks.

I don’t think you realized you married your mother in law. If your husband can not break from his mother now for you, I have my doubts he ever will. This is not a marriage of you and your husband, it is of the 3 of you. Sounds like she is pulling all the strings and probably always has. Let’s face it, she doesn’t want to let go of her son.

I suggest you schedule a marriage counselor appointment for all of you to go to. Be firm on where you stand.

I’d simply tell him, mom has to leave by whatever date 7 days from now or whatever, or I’m leaving. Then do it. You don’t need this and he and his mother aren’t taking you seriously.

talk to a lawyer too.

This is digusting, sad, and funny. This post may be deleted however: A woman once told me when I got divorced, "Men only get married because they can't have sex with their mother" If you have been in this kind of relationship with your husband and MIL (which I have) you will completely understand. It is a tricky situation and I usually cannot see the forest thru the trees. I had eternal hope that things would change and they did not. SUDDENLY....... God will answer my prayers. No one can tell you what to do, but a wise woman once told me, "If things NEVER change, are you going to be ok with it?" Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever did. Divorce is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Death is easier, and I am being blunt. You don't have to "share" friends, People come to your aid and gather around. Divorce was none of that. In fact, people stayed away from me so as to not choose sides ~ which by doing that they did. AND when someone dies, it's over. Divorce, in my case, I saw him EVERY day!
Good luck and God Bless

Please put your foot down NOW with both your husband and your MIL. You are being taken advantage of by both of them. Your MIL has a good thing going and realizes it: no rent, no utilities, runs the house, sees her son daily, etc. Why would she leave?

I really do think that you need to move into your own apartment right now - and refuse to come back until your MIL moves out. If your husband balks, too bad. He is going to need to make a choice.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You do have a right to happiness, of course. I don't know your financial situation, but before you do anything rash, get your financial ducks in a row. Is there another job you can take on in the meantime, so you are not in the house all day? Make a plan because the decision to stay or go is not about him choosing his mother over you. To stay or go doesn't even need to be such an ultimatum. Perhaps once your ducks are in a row, your spouse would agree to a vacation or a short get away together? Maybe some time alone together will give you both some perspective on your life goals? Next step, may be some time apart will bring another kind of perspective for you both without being all-in or all-out?

You should talk with your husband's mother yourself and let her know how you feel. She should understand that a newly wed wife wants to be the Queen of her Home and tell her you will be happy to help her find an Senior Apartment close to her friend or suggest her and her friend get a place together.

Let your husband know that you plan to get your own apartment or move back to your parents, whichever you have to do until his mom has her own place, then MOVE OUT.

I imagine, only after you're gone will it hit him that you mean business.

Speak to his mom and let her know of your plans to move and tell her if she loves her sin and wants to make him happy then she will move out so ya'll can start a home together and tell her you or both will come over for Sunday Dinners.

This has been going on way too long.

Your MIL will not be budging unless you make her because your husband is not going to do anything!

MOVE OUT
Your husband will come around.

Dont move out angry.

Let them both know you love them but fir the marriage to work, ya'll need to live alone.

The

My gut response is..
divorce the guy. He obviously prefers his mother to you.
See an attorney and make sure that you are given a fair settlement. I know it has been "only" a year but I am sure you invested more time and probably money in the relations ship before you got married.
Next I would say see a therapist, if your husband agrees to go all the better.
Then before you go through with the divorce (or as Tammy W called it a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. ) pack your bags and go on a 2 week "vacation", stay with a friend or family member. Let calls from him go to voicemail. While you are away make a list of pros /cons of leaving or staying. (I think your list of staying is going to be short) When you get back sit down and discuss this, show him your list and tell him you are considering filing for a divorce.
He is not going to change if his mom continues to rule the roost. And I have the feeling if you are actually gone for a while she will make your home into HER home.
I am not one to advocate for a divorce but I also would not put up with this so I would be out the door.

I have a 17 year old son and it would be sooo sad, if he future wife said this of me, when we are sooo close. There are some sons that really do love their mother and do not want her to leave or choose between wife and husband. The best thing is to set boundaries with her, if she is disrespecting your space. Have a conversation with her of how you would like your house run. And keep reinforcing it!

I don’t really see that you have an option other than divorce. She’s treating you like this is her home and you are the interloper. It sounds like your husband is fine with this setup. You really cannot have a real marriage in this scenario.
I can’t help but think that this was the plan all along. Her having a house built then not liking it once it was done? Then giving it to the builders? That sounds sketchy to me. She might have always planned on living with her son, with you there just to take care of them both, and momma’s boy thought that was a great idea. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything different, but it’s probably best to just get out and leave your husband and his mom to it.
I was married to a momma’s boy myself, and it is not a real marriage. You’re always the outsider, the real relationship is between mom and son. My divorce day was one of the happiest of my life.

This happened to me! MIL was from my husband's previous wife so I was the interloper. Had no idea what drama this could cause.
Bad went to worse. I became her personal cook/maid/attendant when I wasn't at my real fulltime career. Told hubs HE needed to grow a pair & tell his "mommy" it was time to be civil, do her own laundry- or go. Either that or divorce. One night she had a bit too much to drink & started in on me, then "released her bladder" on my new antique chair. Gross and sad! Told hubs that was it! and my teen daughter & I started packing. He had to finally have that loooong chat with MIL...

Long story short, relatives came the next day to move her out, all the while they were cursing at me. A month later those relatives called to apologize; MIL was drunk nightly & peeing on their furniture now! Your husband needs to take the lead and be the "bad cop" not you.
My heart and prayers go out to you.

Why couldn't she take her bed with her when she mived to a friends house? What do you mean she gave the house to the builders? - that doesn't make sense to me sorry.
Also, not sure what country your in and if that even makes a difference but real estate is hot at the moment and selling/buying fast.
It's a buyers market we are in. Which is not good for the sellers, but buyer's playground. If she is actually looking at buying during covid, now is the time to get a bargain!
This whole set up sounds completely off to me. Im gonna guess your husband is the only child or there are other children but he is the last and only one to stick around. Either she is a control freak who guilt trips her son or they have both lied. This is not a generational issue. I've had two parents/grandparents pull manipluation and make boundaries all become about their their "victimisation" and pity, and others the same age and older who believed in marital/unit family independence and respected boundaries. I don't know how you have put up with it for a year. Either she has lied and manipulated, or he has known the truth and they have both lied. I'd get in touch with a seperation lawyer just to protect your financial interests and then leave. It's your marital home, not her house. She should be acting with the manners of a guest and seeking her own independence and privacy. Your husband has shown his contradiction with his last comments how he makes her unwell and bad health, yet she is strong and capable. Sounds like she doesn't want to let go of the apron strings. I certainly would not have children while she is living with you because she will tear you to sheds mentally and emotionally just to take control of the baby.

As Tammy Wynette said, D I V O R C E.

Why would you even dawdle?! He's made it plain which one he cares about more! Why do you think so little of yourself you would put up with this? Get out. Get out now and save yourself! Also, get counseling for yourself. Start today by targeting an apartment. Make a list of what you will pack and subtly start boxing things up. Next time he is gone all day, move everything to the new apartment. Start divorce proceedings. No booty calls - why should you reward his bad behavior? I wouldn't even TALK to him until he moved to a new place without mom.
I hope I wasn't too unclear.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Don’t waste one more minute of your time. You need to choose yourself if he won’t choose you.