I didn’t sign up for this, living with MIL and I hate it. I want to run away. Is that my only option?

One of the reasons people get divorces, mother-in-laws will do it every time. She probably wants you out. If your husband really loves you, momma would go, not you.

Pack your bags and get the h*ll out.
I was in similar situation except the 'other woman' was his daughter-in-law who welcomed me with open arms and took all the good things I offered her & her family the first few years and then, the manipulation of my husband began. She stopped allowing me to see the grandkids (2 little girls I had known since their births), 'forgetting' to include both of us in school & sports activities, walking away from me in public and so forth. Neither my husband nor I had changed one thing about the way we treated them yet she decided that I was unworthy and, I believe, a real threat to her eventual inheritance and took it out on both of us. We attempted several times to discuss the matter as adults but she wouldn't show up so my husband took to going to their home without me (I found out later) to see his grandkids, for dinners, etc. to which I wasn't invited. We began living separate lives within the house I had turned into a home for our blended families and it was the saddest place to be. Long story short...2 years of this, solo counselling because he refused to attend, and I was done. I knew that, if asked to choose, my husband would choose the DIL because she controlled his ability to see his only grandchildren and my own children told me to 'get out of there' so...tho packing up was difficult because I had adored him & loved deeply for 8.5 years, driving away from that town was the easiest drive I've ever made. I'm back in the city near my own kids and grands and thoroughly enjoying my life.

Maybell, I am an only child and a son. I brought my mother to live with us twice. Both dismal failures. I didn’t have to get the ultimatum, but it was close both times. Here are your husband’s priorities: 1. You 2. Your children 3. His mother in that order. He may be avoiding the fight he knows will come when he tells Mom she is leaving. Screaming, yelling, pointing the finger at you. He will have to stand his ground. I did it last at 70 years old, my mother 96 now and happy in assisted living. Tell the boy to get his priorities right or you are out of there. Then do it. All your questions will be answered. My mother can still recite the priority list with me. You took no vow regarding his mother.

He Won't. He is a Mommy's Boy. So Clear, Dear, And you never knew wha tyou were getting yourself into---With Them Tow. Two Peas in One Odd Pod. She is no tgoing naywhere too Soon, So you need to either tell hubby straight OUT what you are All ABOUT Or--------Tell him to SIGN UP for a Divorce Layer and Take him and Mommy Dearest to the Cleaners. She will be here Longer than Covid, Take it from me.

Well, Maybell, your post has generated a good bit of discussion. What do you think of what's been posted so far?

Your husband is a momma's boy. He won't ever go up against her. Most momma boys never will bc the momma has been ruling him since birth. Too much guilt to go against her. That unbilical cord is stuck fast and will never be cut this late in life. So he already picked her first. That is why she is living with him before you came along! It is too convenient for her to leave, so why would she? If she left she would be alone. She doesn't want to be alone, that is why she is living with him. Seems like she is ruling the household too. She considers it her house, so why should she move out of her house? He is her suragate husband. She has him right where she wants him. They probably have you paying some of the bills on their house, you won't ever own a piece of it.

How can she tell the builders to keep the house? Is she rich? Was there ever really a house? Usually having a house built entails money up front, a binding contract and a purchase price. Most people dont throw $ away. Sounds like a ruse to say I'm getting out, but then there are multiple excuses why she can't leave. Son didn't say a word about it, so she tested the waters and she knows she doesn't have to leave. Done deal.

The only thing you can do you tell the husband you want counciling or to move to a house with a mother in law suite? So you have more privacy? Doubt that would work, bc they had the house before you moved in. Why should they move? That would cost them money and a hassle to do it. It seems you moved into THEIR house. Not the son's house, but THEIR house. They own the home without your name on it probably, so why should they give that real estate up? Next home your name would probably go on the deed. Then you would have more of a say what goes on in your home. Your the outsider not them. They like it that way.

I think your best bet is to leave because she never will. It will never be your house. I bet you can't even decorate it how you want. Have company how you want. Have date nite or private time how you want. Can you plan dinner or a getaway how you want? I bet he would be afraid to leave her alone, or run to discuss it to get permission. Or invite her to go too on a weekend getaway. She needs to get away too O_o. Because he feels guilty. If she doesn't want you to go, she can manipulate the situation to her benefit by being sick or afraid to be alone. My bet is she would be the deciding factor in anything that happened in your relationship.

Basically you married 2 people. It will always be 2 against 1. Any money you bring in will go to support her for the next 30 yrs. Any decisions have to be run past her. You got yourself into a big pickle. You didn't even get a honeymoon out of the deal. She couldn't stay away. That shows me they dont care about your feelings. They both manipulated you to where they wanted you. Momma is running that show, and son is happy to go along with it.

I wouldnt have married him unless he got his own place first. But he didn't.
I don't think you will ever break them up. Hes happily enmeshed with his mom.
Your feelings are secondary. He has already shown you who he is. He chose her before you came along, and after when you said you werent happy. Your 2ndary. You are already uncomfortable in your house. They dont care.
I'd leave bc Id want my own house and to decorate it how I want, and to make decisions as a husband and wife. That is normal. Mom is the top of the pyramid.
That mom isn't going anywhere. You are only there to fulfill his sexual needs. He has her for everything else. Personally I'd get my own place. Your mil should only bust into your room 1x. Id make sure she never did it again. your entitled to your privacy. You shouldn't have to hide in your house either. I also wondered if the MIL became scarce just enuff to get son married, and they planned on being together the whole time.. Most people know that the DIL ends up taking care of MIL when she's ill, not the son. Especially on this forum. Good luck

At times like this I make a list with the pros and the cons. So far in your post there seems to be very few pros and you have a clear decision to make.
In terms of you MIL she has made it a competition and she is winning. It doesn't look like your husband can see it and probably never has and never will. She will keep him her little boy until the day one of them dies.
I would leave because it will probably get worse and you will be very unhappy. Plan it properly though because she will do her best to make sure you leave with nothing and will make leaving a problem too, even though that is what she wants.
Good luck!

My biggest regret is that I did not leave my husband in the early years of our marriage. His adultery gave me every legitimate reason to leave.

In a way, your husband is giving what should be yours (attention, affection, time, companionship, respect, etc.) to another woman, his mother. I don't think we should limit the definition of adultery to sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. In my opinion, any time a man gives to another person, in particular a woman, what should be devoted to his wife, he has committed adultery.

You said in one reply that he doesn't want people outside the house knowing what goes on inside. That is always a big red flag for me. I hid what went on inside our home until Dec. 2017 (believe me, the revelation was that pivotal that I can tell you almost to the date and time of the first time I spoke honestly to someone).

You need to put space between you and your husband and his mother. Whether you pursue permanent space or temporary space is something you will have to decide. But don't allow your future to be stolen by this situation.

It seems your husband cares about his mother's needs more than your needs. That will never change. Pack your bags, honey, and run... fast. My mother had a horrible time with her mother-in-law. Her MIL was bossy and mean.

She needs to go. I have played the MIL game too many times. I now see it as don't let her (mine) get one foot in the door. I don't allow overnights or anything tenporary. Early in my marriage it was he is her only son and wants to buy him a house and stay for a little bit. The house was never in his name and she never left. Living with her was a nightmare. She has tried over the years to manipulate her way in. Nope. Not having it.
Stand up for yourself. No one else is going to. She will manipulate to stay there. Not sure about where you are but there are protocols in place in some states for real estate including virtual. Sounds like mother and son are full of excuses. She needs to go.

When dh and I got married, his mother always told me that he had promised to take care of her when she got old. He is the oldest of 4 children. I'm sure you can check out my past posts to see how things got and we needed to buy a house for us that she could move into. Even that didn't really work and it lasted about a year. Our solution that worked great for her and for us was to build a handicapped apartment onto our house. It was her apartment, she made all the decisions on the layout, the fixtures, ect and she paid about 75% of the costs. She had her own entrance so she could have company anytime and it didn't bother us at all. We had a shared door from our family room but the rule was no back and forth from either side without knocking and waiting for the door to be answered. Took a few times being firm about it but it worked GREAT. Is this something that might work for you?

In case this question has not been asked: do you and your husband still have children living at home? If not, tell your husband you need a break and will be away for one week. Check in a local hotel to enjoy some respite. Your husband will learn what it is like to care for his own mother.

Thank you for replying openly to people's questions (including mine).

Well. Look. Now then.

Man getting on with his life, successful enough at least to get himself a family-sized house. His mother, who raised him as a single parent, is looking after her mother and struggling to the extent, at least, that she's not keeping her own house in good shape. He doesn't cook or clean, she does both, she and mother move into his house and they all rub along. Grandma ages and moves into a nursing home. Time passes.

Along comes girlfriend, and presumably is made a welcome guest? More time passes. Girlfriend does not give up and go away, girlfriend fits in. Eventually man proposes marriage, girlfriend moots point about husband and wife needing their own space as newly weds, man discusses this with his mother, mother agrees in principle.

And *does* agree in practice, to the extent that on the marriage, she *did* make herself scarce. For the honeymoon period. Which, it seems, is what she thought everyone was talking about, apart from vague ideas about moving into a house which has proved too inconvenient and apparently unnecessary to take any further.

Sigh.

Maybell, you have known this woman for *five* *years*. And you can't talk honestly and kindly and in practical terms to her about her wants and expectations, and your own?

I think you have fooled yourself into believing that once you were married, everything would change, just like that, by virtue simply of your now being married.

You have three options.

1. Leave, retrace your steps.
2. Stay, and accept that it's for you to fit in to a family structure that everyone else is perfectly happy with.
3. Stay, and communicate honestly with ALL of the people involved what your needs and feelings are.

The way your husband and his mother organised their home long before you got there, by the way, is not an "unacceptable way to live." It's just not acceptable to you. Now, its being unacceptable to you either matters to them - and they will agree to adapt themselves to your needs because they love you and want you in their family - or it doesn't, because truth be told you're not essential.

You are going to have to find out, and take it from there. One way to brace yourself for finding out might be to think through what you will do either way. Any ideas?

If you even question "I'm not sure he's going to pick me." why would you want to be married to him? He is telling you loud and clear where he stands, how he values you, and his mother. As many have said here, get counseling, leave for a while or find an apt for yourself, learn how to value who you are as a person. Frankly, he doesn't deserve you. His mother does.

Oh my. I'm in my last year of the 60's.
Since you are a newlywed, it sounds like you are seeing a different side of your husband that you didn't see / know about before you said your "I do's" -
this is the 'for better or for WORSE' part, perhaps.

And perhaps not.

You are young and deserve to be respected as a person, a wife, and part of this three-party unit. Stand up for yourself and perhaps you may want to move out until MIL moves into this house she is buying. If you decide to move out, your husband may miraculously find his mother a house sooner than anyone could have imagined. Don't be a doormat. If your husband makes these kinds of decisions not considering your feelings, this may be the writing on the wall down the road. As an old saying "he's showing his true colors" - I may sound harsh to you. I feel for you in this situation and I feel some anger 'on your behalf' as I feel and 110% believe your husband needs to respect you and your needs more, as his wife. If you allow him to make these unilateral decisions now, what will happen the next time the two of you have a serious disagreement? Think about it. Mommy could move in a rental until a house to buy becomes available. Or mommy can get you an apartment and your husband can come over and visit you. I look forward to seeing how this scenario plays out. Keep us informed! We're here for you.

What is going through the mind of the MIL?

I'm guessing she's not thinking that she should give her grown son and his new wife any respect or privacy as adults in their own home.

Instead,

She's thinking: "Heck, they don't need any privacy. I'll bring my friends over here whenever I want. This is my son's house, which is the same as my house. And that girl, the one he married, she's not important."

She's thinking: "Who's more important to my son? His mother or some girl (I don't like) who just married my wonderful son. Lowly girl, you're lucky my son married you. Of course, I am more important, the most important person to him. I birthed him. He owes me his life. He has to take care of me. Me. Me. Me."

Never once does it cross her mind what her daughter in law wants. Does DIL mind that I stay here and take the position of the lady of the house? Do son and wife want space of their own for some private/intimate time? No, no, and no.

And the poor BOY. Mama's boy. Maybell, so sorry you picked him. Please please don't make any kids with this immature male. Ask yourself how much of your life you want to give to this duo: Mama and her boy.

OP doesn’t need a separation if DH puts her first and his mother second. If his mother has the funds to build a house (and change her mind partway through the build!), he is not ‘throwing his mother out on the street’ if he requires her to leave the marital home.

This is difficult but not in fact all that ‘unusual’, as Rovana commented. If it has been going on for years, in one form or another, counseling is not likely to improve the situation. Sure, OP, try it, but be firm and don’t spend even more years on it if it doesn’t work promptly.

You face an unusual and difficult situation. Understandably, your husband does not want to throw his mother out on the street, especially with a pandemic. Understandably, your MIL is undermining your authority in your own household and reigning as the matriarch. You did not sign up for this... but you don't need a separation either.

Please commit to couples counselling to have a neutral place and dedicated time (weekly, please) to discuss problems and have professional help with finding solutions. Your unique situation illustrates why the Bible says, " a man leaves his family and a woman leaves her home; the two become one." You need time to establish ground rules with others while you are creating a married team. You need space and time to create each other as the priority and everybody as second place.

Amazing all the different stories, isn't it? Mine, too; my ex MIL hated me because I wasn't Italian, like the whole family and everyone she knew. She once said she would rather he was gay than married to me. She was miserable to me; I DID say "EX" MIL, didn't I?

P.S. God gave me my current sweet husband of 27 years! There's hope at the end of the tunnel.....

Run.

Listen to these smart people and their advice. It is NOT going to get any better. Your husband is not living up to his covenant with you.

Try couples counseling and be firm on what YOUR expectations and conditions are. If he's unwilling to make changes, including moving MIL out of your household, I'd look into divorce. Or resign yourself to living miserably without complaint for many years. You have the power of choice.

My counselor also gave me the name of a good divorce attorney, who handled the divorce for a very reasonable fee and helped me retain my full pension (which is extremely valuable now that I'm retired.) It was as amicable as possible considering the circumstances.

Divorcing was the right decision for me. Once it was over, I met my current husband, to whom I've been married for over 30 years.

Extra comment: Make the condition that his mother chooses another place to live, with no limited location conditions. If she has to move away, so much the better. Like this, there simply MUST be a good-enough place for her!

Why was your marriage postponed for 4 years? Was that because of his mother’s shenanigans? If so, why did she finally lose out and let you get married? Why did she stop the building of her house and ‘tell the builders to keep it’? It’s bizarre – I’ve never heard anything like it before! Why doesn’t she approve of any ‘good homes in the area’? Really? None?

It sounds as though your husband’s mother is a master game player. The only round she didn’t win was that you did actually get married. Then she recouped, and messed up the marriage anyway. You may have been playing too nice because you didn’t realise what was going on. Now you do realise, in your shoes I would play it down to the wire. Spell it out clearly, and force DH to choose. Frankly, a condition on a win might be to move away out of her locality. If you lose, get cracking on your own life! What a bummer!

When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

Book by Kenneth M. Adams

Maybell, I am so sorry. There's great advice below, but keep in mind one thing while you decide what to do: your MIL could easily live for DECADES with you and Hubby.

I was married to too different men. The first I was not priority in his life. His daughter wasn't even priority. I divorced and remarried to a man that I am priority. He adopted my daughter, her Dad willingly gave up his parental rights. We have been married 40 yrs. My now husband would have done anything for his Mom but I always came first. But TG she moved to Fla two days away because she would have been a pain.

I read some of your answers to other's questions, and honestly I'm shocked you have been able to put up with this for a year. I wouldn't last a week.

Your MIL *knows* she is invading privacy and yet she still has not moved after a year!

Already you are feeling that she is aware that she is causing marriage issues, yet it continues. Like some sick mind game on who has the most control over the man child.

LEAVE HIM. If he is like this now, and she is like this now in her 60's when she is a capable woman I can't imagine the nightmare she would be down the road, with your man-child husband falling right in line with what SHE wants.

I'm really sorry Maybell, but you deserve better.

Run, don’t walk, away from him. He chose his mom over you.

One other thing that's bothering me is that, if you decide to leave, please make sure you have somewhere to go and the resources to remain there. I've just seen too many things happen to others. Also be mindful of joint bank accounts or joint credit cards, etc. Make sure you know where you stand in terms of accessing those funds. Several years back, we had a split in our family. Both husband and wife were trying to hide money from the other. Husband successfully removed wife from a credit card and didn't tell her until after the fact. Things like that can get so bad. I knew someone professionally whose mother seemed to be overly involved in his relationship/divorce and this woman made the DIL out to be the most unimaginable witch - son went right along with what his mother said and had few if any thoughts of his own.