My mom is 100. I invited her to move in with me when she was 90 and my dad passed away. She had vision problems and had fallen several times. I figured it would be for a few years and I could handle that. Well it’s been 11 years now and at 101 it could be several more. I had cancer while she was here, and really don’t know how much time I have left. I resent her longevity and worry I will never get to enjoy my not so golden age. I try to hint that she should consider assisted living, but she says I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore, which of course I can’t do. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t stand the looks she gives me when she doesn’t approve of something I do. I resent her budding in when my granddaughter is over. I can’t make her understand boundaries, physical and mental. I know no one can really give me any advice but if I don’t tell someone how I feel I’m going to scream. btw, I am alone taking care of her. No living sibling. All my responsibility. It’s too much and she can’t seem to get it.
Pick two that she can choose.
This might, however, not be the best (safest) time for a move for her to more communal living.
Can you start by getting away, yourself, to ease your burnout? You may be happy(ier) to see her when you return.
Regarding placing, I think now is fine. Yes there are different variants, and there always will be. But most residents in these senior communities are vaccinated. Yes people can still get sick, but not as bad, if vaccinated.
You need to think of your health too.
Have the talk, be supportive, show some brochures. It's a difficult challenge, but your future is counting on you.
Just do it. You'll be happy once you're on the other side of this. You have nothing to feel guilty for, either. By caring for her in your home for 10+ years, you've already done more than the vast majority of us!!!
Good luck!
Be honest when you tell her you need your home and your health back. You don’t say your age, but if your mom is 101…. Bless you, you’ve got to take care of you now.
Tell her that you want her to move to AL because you need to have your place to yourself again after everything you've been through.
it is my greatest nightmare that my daughter might feel that way about me someday.
Didn’t she take care of you when you were small, when you were helpless and couldn’t walk or feed yourself?
There are some people who would give anything for a couple minutes to have their mom again, who don’t have their mom anymore.
... and then there are the other kind of people.
Isn’t it unfair the way that life can be?
there are moms that from the many posts that I have read here make caring for them a living hell.
those are the ones that no one would want to care for.
then there are the mom's that are the type of mom that everyone would want. Those are the ones that make caring for easy and when they pass they leave a void that will never be filled.
people are like coins, each with two sides. You see one while the other is hidden so you can not judge either the caregiver or the care recipient unless you see both sides of both.
From May 2013: "As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account."
I would have removed my mother from my house if I got cancer. From your past posts, you have struggled having her live with you for years now. I see from one of your earliest posts that you are an only child.
You had to retire early to take care of her, and she is stingy with her money. You know she should be paying you a lot more than she does. Is she still legally mentally competent at age 101? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Does she have a will or trust? Are you the executrix (will) or successor trustee (trust)? Are you the sole beneficiary? Do you have an idea of the value of her estate/trust? I assume you are counting on it as your inheritance?
Are you going to hold yourself to the promise you made to her to never put her in a nursing home? I hope not!
Have you got your alternative proposal figured out? Anything stopping you doing that?
That makes it happen for mother without you being to blame. And remember, if it’s not all quite true now, it easily could be true only too soon.
Please do it! Unless mother is one of the lucky ones who passes in her sleep, this is only going to get worse.
Please excuse my assumption - but if your Mother is 101 then you are probably past retirement age - to expect you to care for your mother is not reasonable when you have your own health issues.
Telling our Loved ones - IF we still feel that way about them - is very difficult, in someways it is easier for those who care for someone they don't get on with. But your health is a matter your mother has to take on board, and if she cares for you then she should be happy or at least willing to do this.
But she is never going to choose to change what is comfortable for her - you need to tell her that you can no longer cope and that you have health problems of your own that worrying about her is making worse (Sometimes we even have to lie - but we need to look after ourselves, because if our health is compromised too much then we cannot look after them anyway.)
Be open with her and tell her you can no longer cope and need to concentrate on your own health, ask her what would be acceptable to her, and if nothing is then TELL her things have to change and you will make the decisions if she does not want to be involved. You are an amazing person to have looked after her as you have done now it is time to look after you and your younger family for whatever time you have left to enjoy them. You will still visit her if she goes into a facility and they have the skills to look after her, so that you can enjoy your visits - isn't it better to enjoy visits to your mother than to resent her more and more so that you memories of her will be negative when she does pass.
You've given up so much for your mother, it's clear that you're a selfless person who now needs to have time for yourself, to be a daughter, and to have peace about it.
Wishing you the best!
I wish you well, and hope you manage to sort something. Remember, sometimes things have to get worse to get better. My heart goes out to you. Look after yourself.