My mom is 100. I invited her to move in with me when she was 90 and my dad passed away. She had vision problems and had fallen several times. I figured it would be for a few years and I could handle that. Well it’s been 11 years now and at 101 it could be several more. I had cancer while she was here, and really don’t know how much time I have left. I resent her longevity and worry I will never get to enjoy my not so golden age. I try to hint that she should consider assisted living, but she says I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore, which of course I can’t do. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t stand the looks she gives me when she doesn’t approve of something I do. I resent her budding in when my granddaughter is over. I can’t make her understand boundaries, physical and mental. I know no one can really give me any advice but if I don’t tell someone how I feel I’m going to scream. btw, I am alone taking care of her. No living sibling. All my responsibility. It’s too much and she can’t seem to get it.
"I love you, mom. I can't care for you anymore*. Let's work together to find a great facility you'll like."
*No need to elaborate; it's the simple, direct truth, and I'd think (I'd hope for myself) that at 100) details wouldn't further the cause.
all i wanted was a thank you, but she can’t do that. i told her i just stop doing everything for you snd see how long before you acknowledge what i do.
From this last post, you are obviously getting angry as well as stressed. It ALL gets worse from this, so please cut to the chase and do what she said -"tell her when I don’t want her here anymore". Remind her that it's what she requested, then move straight on to a friendly 'how are we going to do this?'.
If you have difficulty due to guilt, you need to get emotional / psychological support to be strong enough to :
(1) make decisions which will benefit you both;
(2) with professional support, flush out the "resent her longevity..." part. If you make a decision(s) that will be in her best interest, and yours (which you need for your quality of life), you likely will ease the resentment feelings.
(3) It sounds like your mom might be / have a narcissist personality disorder (based on how you describe you - and how you react to her (wounded, beaten down).
(4) The time is NOW for you to place your mom somewhere YOU feel is good for her (she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore-you do). Expect she'll 'be vocal' about the move - and let her rant. She will settle in because she will have to.
(4a) So you can focus on the quality and enjoyment of your own life. You deserve to have moments - however many - as enjoyable and stress-free as possible. It is enough of a load for you to manage your own health care needs, both physical and emotional and every other way (spiritual, mental).
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. If not now, when?
Gena / Touch Matters (see below)
I've re-quoted (?) parts of this as it seems so important to really hear.
Sonny65 said: 'I like the way she put it: "I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore" That's a guilt trip and a half. She's given you All the responsibility but it's not all her fault. She has to have some mid-stage Dem going on since it seems that all throughout the last few years;
... everything has to involve or revolve around her.
... You have to weigh your health against her quality of life with you. If there's still basically a balance; then You must find a way to take a necessary & therapeutic vacation Away from Mom.
... Now if the case is that you've put yourself on "the back burner" because of guilt; it might be time to look into an ALF for Mom.
... Remember, you did this out of love for her, her health and well being. If it's now affecting Your health & well being; you'll end up worse than her;
If you can't tell her to move, then you should ask for help from any source available so you can get out a little.
Oh we have several on the forum who sing that sad song. They need to join up with those who INSIST the LO would be better off in their own home, with family and/or hired caregivers - they could sing rounds together.
I'm a bit late joining, so I haven't read all comments yet. Beware the user Riley2166 (has used at least 2 other names, ending in 2166 - same MO.) This one DEMANDS you move the person no matter what.
Anyway, AGREE totally that analogy is bogus. On top of the fact that generally we have kids because we want, we are also much younger, the kids are much smaller AND in general kids grow and become more independent.
We CAN honor them and see to it that they get appropriate care without providing the actual hands-on care ourselves.
If possible, do try the respite care and get some well-deserved, long overdue rest and hopefully some enjoyment too!
not taking the time to use precautions she didn’t like.
Kids don’t ask to be born and old folks don’t ask to live on and on. It’s just what happens and both kids and parents have to live with whatever happens and act responsibly as kids come into the world and parents go out of it.
The anger and resentment you are harboring is literally harming your health.
Also, by directing the anger at her, you are avoiding taking the steps you need to change your life.
Please find a counselor who can help you work thru your feelings toward your mom, and also the cancer that threatens you.
Work with the counselor on how to talk with your mom to find her a continuum of care facility that can provide a healthy environment for your mom.
Perhaps you can reach a healthy place where you can visit your mom to share meals and enjoy time together. Or not. But, please take the time you need to let go of this anger.
Hang in there.