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I don't have any helpful answers but I just wanted to say you have my empathy and sympathy. I can so relate to your frustration. My father was full spectrum Cluster B personality disordered. He had both NPD and ASPD with definite sociopathic tendencies. He was a nasty, foul tempered, selfish human being his whole life and lived to age 96, but he got worse the older he got and we couldn't even blame dementia. After my mother passed, I had to deal with him for another 17 months. That was over a year ago and I'm STILL recovering from the nightmare/insanity. It got so bad, I had to go No Contact about a month before the Covid-19 outbreak. I had been stuck in the F.O.G. for years, never able to stand up to him. I just got to the point where I refused to put up with all the toxicity and couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. My health got so bad from the stress I thought I was going to die before he did.
Try to do whatever it takes to be free of your FIL, as it will only get worse.
Hugs and best of luck!
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I would ask his doctor about aricept.
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If FIL is at the point where he would not know if you discarded things, he has more that mild cognitive issues. You might want to find yourself a CARETAKERS meeting ... He could be slipping into dementia. My road started 4 years ago when my husband was diagnosed with the MCI . This is 4 years later and he was just retested. We are waiting for the results. I already know where he is headed. I started going to my CARETAKERS meeting a few years ago, not because of him but because of how I hated the way I reacted to him . There is so much to learn . His brain is broken and he lives in his own reality . I treat him better now. No amount of brow beating will get through . I can talk my head off and loose my temper but it makes no difference. It makes me crazy and gives me a head ache. Now I think of the huge amount of energy I spend and know he is not able to do anything different than what he does. Your FIL my be in a similar place. Start now to get legal thing in order. Someone needs to know what his finances are and get a durable POA in place. I was recently been told by a close friend to get my Big Girl Panties on , because it does not get better, it only gets worse. The meetings have helped a lot. There are days we can even laugh together. I hope this helps .
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Prayers sent.
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I feel his cognitive decline is worse than you are aware of. Has he been to his doctor lately? Has anyone discussed the issued you are seeing with his doctor? There are medications which can slow the progression, however, it won't necessarily help if his decline is further along than suspected. You are correct it is his house, sometimes the best thing you can do is to "Let it Go". When your own health is being destroyed while trying to help someone else you need to step back. You could try getting APS involved as they do offer supportive services in some states. You can suggest to APS he is a danger to himself. Not all APS departments will help, but if you get a good intake person, they may come out. Does anyone have a POA for his medical? Depending on how it is written. You maybe able to get him tested with a geriatric psychologist or a neuropsychologist. I wish you the best, remember, your health comes first.
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I'm wondering why your husband isn't the one talking to him and explaining things.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
"My DH, his son, tried to have a rational conversation with him."

Also, from the sounds of it, DH and SIL were likely browbeaten growing up and kowtowed to this man. Clearly SIL still hasn't managed to stand up to him, but DH is learning!
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well being that maybe that is how he was talked to all his life, he doesn't know any better and never had any true adult conversations. Add to that he is starting to have memory decline and it doubles. I would hope that things are already in place as far as POA's, etc, otherwise you will have a bigger battle on your hands. I really don't know the answer other than, maybe you just treat him like a child and tell him straight up that stuff has to go or YOU go. I sure wish you luck.
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Just my short take. His cognition may have declined more and is compounded by his narcissism. There is no reasoning with someone whose mind is going down the rabbit hole by any form of dementia. Also bad decision making is a sign his dementia is worsening.

Your number 1 goal is now keeping him as safe as you can which is going to be a rollercoaster ride for all of you.

So sorry you all are facing this.
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You cannot 'reason' with - likely both - a narcissistic personality (disorder) nor someone with dementia. Both are combustable.

* You need to learn that all you can control is YOUR REACTION, not his.
- And how you take care of yourself.
- This is learned behavior. Catch yourself immediately when he does or says something that will / does set you off. S-T-O-P and be aware of how you feel and how you want to re-center yourself. Then figure out how, i.e., walk away, think of something pleasant, say "yes, I hear you" and continue doing what you need to do.

* You need to understand, emotionally and psychologically that there is just so much you can do if you need his cooperation and/or legal authorization, if you do not get it.

* Do not engage with him unless useful - to meet your needs (for him).
* Walk away. Being narcissistic, he won't like that.
* Hold your ground. Do not allow him to continue to drive (you nuts). Dealing with this personality is certainly not easy. Only you can change, he cannot "much" - holding your ground, not reacting to him (which he likes), not arguing (which he wants to do cause 'he's right, of course...' may register in his brain "this ain't working anymore.
- He will NOT change until you do.
Gena aka Touch Matters
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jacobsonbob Jul 2021
Yes, I think "combustible" is an appropriate description--sort of along the lines of "going 'ballistic' "!
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