My mom is currently living alone in De and is rapidly declining in health. I have recently moved to VA and want to try to get her closer to me and am wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to go about this! I have a few primary concerns.
*MD, WV, VA are all possible places for her to move to (each could potentially be within 15-30 minutes of me)
*WV would definitely be the most affordable if we were to buy her a house to live in
*Do different states offer different help options? My mom worked her whole life and has a retirement account, according to her its barely enough to live on but doesnt allow her to be in state funded programs (not sure about what this all means exactly)
*She currently goes to LOTS of dr appointments and I really worry about her driving- I dont think she should anymore. HOwever, theres no way I'll have time to take her to all of these appointments if I continue to work full time (which I dont really have an option not to, as Im a sole caretaker for myself)
*On that note, Im terrified about her having to get ALL new doctors and dont even know how to start with that.
**** SO MUCH Stuff and Im a bit panicking
I would think also they are more of a resource to share knowledge of local services like close banking , housekeepers etc
It has been HARD. As a previous poster has commented, I have to do 95+% for them. Arrange the move, choose the house, hire the movers, drive them 800+ miles, have house ready with sheets on beds and food in fridge and internet already set up, unpack, set up bank accounts, arrange lawn mowing, snow blowing, get their car serviced, pay their bills, do their taxes, run over there if something does not work, deal with it when my dad does crazy things, be my mom's shoulder to cry on, take them to doctors and dentists.
I tried home health aides, she got rid of them. She has a cleaning service that she tolerates OK. And she goes to the grocery store once per week. Has met a few neighbors. Otherwise, is very dependent on me. Will not drive on the highway. He barely speaks at this point and her mental health is not good. I looked at adult daycares for my dad to give her a break and found transportation too, but she will not commit. She has had a hard time with keeping friends for decades now. The anxiety and depression are getting worse, and I can understand that, but I can only do so much. I don't want to drown in it myself.
I also try to do nice things for them every week, whether take them to lunch or some kind of outing. It's a lot as I work full time and have my own family. I do wish they had agreed to assisted living. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. But I know if they were in their own home, it would just become a matter of waiting for a crisis and then the options (for assisted living or skilled nursing facility, etc.) would be much more limited. And she agreed.
Assuming she will have to change doctors when she moves, look for a facility that is in close proximity to where there is elder community apartments. If you know of a teaching/medical college in one of those areas, it will probably be a good thing. They usually have all kinds of doctors for all kinds of problems under one roof. You can arrange multiple appts for one day and get everything done.
One in Houston is Baylor-St Lukes. I've made up to 4 appts in one day and just go from floor to floor, eat lunch there, and get everything done. Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'd rather spend a day at it than to return over and over.
If agrees to willingly move, then access resources for her nearest you; look into any financial information that may impact her more or less with the move to another state. You may want to explore what type of senior retirement communities may be available near you insyead of buying a house for her to live ....looking long-term.
Also conferring with local senior aging services in both locations and an Elder Care Attorney may give you both good considerations.
if Mom is falling and her health is failing I highly recommend assisted living. The facility my Mom is in (she is bedridden) goes all the way to memory care. They also have independent living if she doesn't require any help from aides.
you need to consider that you are moving her to an area she isn't familiar with and I would be concerned about her driving.
for my sanity my parents were moved into a new facility 1/2 mile from me. I am there most days if the week and if there is an emergency I can be there right away.
making the situation easier on you will make things run much more smoothly for Mom.
They have lots of information, and can answer many questions regarding potential services for your Mom, as well as options regarding places for your Mom.
That said, do not buy a house for your mom unless you plan on taking care of it.
What support system does mom have where she is?
You say she is rapidly declining in health. In what way?
For starters: I will tell you that if you are moving her here you are signing on for a WORLD OF WOE and I am being honest with you. You will be arranging EVERYTHING from banking to housing to transportation to MDs and it is impossible to deal with medical anywhere today, let alone in a new place.
You say she is driving. How old is she? Because to my mind, unless I was moving her to a "village" that provides different levels of care from Independent Living at first to total care later, with ALF in the middle, I would not do this. You might start exploring the areas you mentioned on your own without saying a thing to Mom first.
Let's start with who else is available to help Mom if she moves by you OR where she is now. Her age? And most of all, does she WANT to move near you? Has she asked about moving by you? And I would suggest if you know your limitations, and if one is that you don't do aging care at/in your own home 24/7 for an aging person that you DO NOT EVEN BEGIN to attempt ANY of this without explaining that to Mom. Another question: are you POA for your Mother. What has she taken care of at this point for her own aging. I am 80. I will not be moving by my daughter no matter what the future holds. I will treasure visits from her, but I will not be moving to her.
So I am on the no side of all this to start with. Do not begin the wheels moving on this in any way until you do a lot of research into what it will mean to YOU. The fact you are writing this to us shows that is already your thinking. Stick to it..
As far as what states offer? Nothing. Unless you are speaking of medicaid and nursing homes. Then medicaid, being a joint federal and state program differs wildly state to state with some much much better and some much much worse. but they ALL offer NO HELP with basic home care transit and all the things you mention. Not unless the senior is in ALF, which is the only way I would consider this move you are speaking of. And even this is care your Mom pays for, not care offered by the state.
The levels of any care programs is for you to research on their own websites independently. For instance in California you can now keep more than 100,000 and still get medicaid for nursing home. No other state has that. In California we have a 2 1/2 year look back. No other state has that. In California we take the shirt off your back for even considering us, hee hee, and few other states do that. It all varies wildly.
I sure wish you luck and I sure hope you are going to think and do a whole lot of looking on this site, at different subjects, before you even breathe a word of this to your mom.
Again, welcome to Forum and I am so glad you are not putting your cart before your horse. It is very important to do research on all this before you get ready to move on something like this.
There are pros and cons to moving an older parent. Cons would be your Mom would lose her friends, her favorite doctors/dentist, her pharmacy, her hairdresser, favorite grocery stores, seeing the recognizable faces on local TV news, and learning her way around new streets and highways.
The pros are a lot of 55+ communities if one can afford the northern Va. prices of today. There is a brand new 55+ apartment complex for low income seniors being built in Sterling, Va. about 45 minutes from your area heading east. Another pro is the abundance of great doctors, and the regional hospital not far from you and their large complex further down the road.
Depending on where your Mom moves, if she lives in northern Virginia, there is just one major highway going east-west that gets one everywhere. It's gotten to a point that I no longer like driving on that road, and here I am only in my 70's.
Another option, are complexes where one can rent Independent Living, then when needed move within the complex to Assisted Living or Memory Care. There are a lot of these senior facilities in the area, especially in Leesburg. My Dad loved this senior living concept. If not in your Mom's budget, then Winchester WV is a lovely small city which has a large hospital.
I live in NJ and go to Del all the time. (No sales tax) I am with you about driving there, the traffic is awful. Can't go anywhere without having to get on a major highway. If your Mom is having trouble making ends meet, maybe its not so much her income but keeping up a house. Houses in Del sell higher than houses where I live. Del has many nice apartment complexes and condos going up all over. Also, Independent living and Assisted living. My daughter worked on Foulk Rd off of 322. Lots of facilities there. Theres a new complex called The Grove in Newark. You may want Mom closer but she may not want to leave whats familiar.
Mom needs to call her Local office of aging to see what is available to her. Del also has bus service that goes all over called Dart. You can check their scedule on-line.
I live in New Jersey and my daughter and I go often to Delaware to buy big box items because of no sales tax. Also my daughter lives in New Jersey but she works in Delaware and she was thinking of buying a house in DE. Home prices in Delaware have definitely increased over the past 5 or more years. We visited a few new construction homes in DE, but you don’t get the bang for your money anymore.
if an AL is out of the question , look for a independent senior living apartment. At this stage I would not buy a house. Her current home is her nest egg along with her retirement account. Your mom does not qualify for financial help as she has finances to care for herself.
Your mom is declining and it does not get better from here. I wish I had moved my mom here to an AL to start with. If you decide to go the AL route,(which is what I would do) be sure to find one that steps up to memory care and one that will be Medicaid elligible ( for when her funds run out) after period of self pay ( common 1,2, or 3 years)
My mom saw specialist and needed pain medication.. I made those appointments about a month or so before I moved her. The memory care had in house PA come in… depending on your moms needs if the PA can’t handle all , you may need to schedule time off. But the dr merry go round would stop with an AL ..
Plus in an assisted living facility she will be around other folks her age and get to do lots of fun activities so she won't be bored since you have to work full-time, and she won't have the responsibility of keeping up a home or having to make new friends which will be much harder in a new house and new city.
And that way you will be close if any major health issues should arise.
Is your mom open to moving closer to you, and are you her medical and durable POA? What are her thoughts about all this?
Before you get all stressed out about all this(sounds like you already are)I would sit down with her and find out exactly what she wants.
Best wishes.
And I suppose to that does she REALLY need all those doctors? Or can it be narrowed down to a manageable few.
Does mom want to move?
Getting established in a new area is difficult. Finding new friends is difficult. Learning where things are is difficult. Leaving all that you have known for a long time can set someone back. (even if they do not have dementia.)
Would moving her into an Assisted Living near where she is now be a better option. She will still be near friends, can still keep her doctors and most AL will transport residents to the doctor and back. That eliminates some of her driving. They also take residents to stores for shopping, again eliminating driving.
As she declines and needs more help the staff will be there to help when needed. And they will also be your eyes and inform you if there are problems.
Does your Mom want to move?
How old is your mom?
If she needs support/assistance/transportation, is her buying a house a good idea?