I have a serious issue going on here with myself. My 86 yr. old mother has been living with me and my husband since May. She is on Hospice care for a mass on her kidney. She had hip surgery, not replacement, and now cannot walk. She needs assistance to get to the bedside commode and in her chair.
I have a wonderful caregiver for her that comes 3 days a week while I work. My mother always makes up excuses why the caregiver shouldn't give her a bed bath or wash her hair. On my days off my mother than wants me to do this. First off, I am not comfortable giving my mother a full bath. I have, but reluctantly. I used to wash her hair, but now it gives me more time if the caregiver can do it. I am not being selfish, but I am very behind in getting things done in the house, grocery shopping and other things that need to be done. I can't even talk on the phone anymore. I'm not a phone talker to begin with, but I can't talk with my kids like I used to.
Today I have a sink full of dishes, laundry and need to clean my car out....I am a nanny and we have little trips we go on.
I have to wash my mom's hair and bathe her.
When I explain that is what the caregiver is for, she gets quiet and acts like a child. Then I feel guilty.
I feel resentful, frustrated, angry and guilty all at the same time. Then I just cry.
I have a sister in law who thinks helping is cooking dinner every few weeks and having a little party here and laughs everything off.
I am at the very end of a frayed rope. When I go out to the store or even after work, I have thought of just driving away.....just to keep going.
She hates my one dog and lets everyone know it.
I don't know what to do!!!!!
Her health seems to be fine except for her legs. The nurse always says her numbers are great. WTH!!!! Is this going to go on forever? I am 60 and love to enjoy my life.
I know many of you are going to say why did I take her?! I do love her, but never imagined my life would be taken away, even with a caregiver.
No negative or snide remarks please. You'll push me over the edge! lol
Thank you!!!!! and God bless!
The shortest route, if you can face it, is to harden your heart/nose about the bathing and hair-washing issue. My first guess would be that your mother doesn't like the way the c/g's do it, but with the greatest care and respect to her - tough! If there are issues such as choice of toiletries, method of drying, very personal things like that, encourage her to say honestly what she does like rather than criticise what they're doing wrong. If it's not liking complete strangers seeing her in the buff, reassure her that they are professionals, they are trained and discreet, and it's a lot less traumatic for them than it is for you!
If she's mean to your dog...
I wouldn't know what to do about that either :(
Except retort that at least the dog never gives you any trouble!
Maybe it's her husband (your brother) who should be doing more.
I hope no one here says “Why did you take her?”! I took my mom in similar circumstances because I loved her and wanted to be sure that she’d receive good care, but when “good care” became having to sleep on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed because she REFUSED to call for help when she had to use the commode, and when I’d slept on that floor for MONTHS with no chance for respite, my husband, who also loved her dearly, put his foot down and insisted that a 24/7 aide be hired, and when THAT was only partly successful, I tearfully and regretfully placed her in a wonderful nursing facility in which she THRIVED for 5 1/2 years, until her death at 95.
If you have the strength left to do so, have a conversation with her, and lay down her new life plan, and stick to it. She is acting like a child because it’s working for her, and the only thing you are guilty of is allowing yourself to be manipulated, and YOU deserve better.
If you’re not yet researching a good nursing facility, start doing that now too. After assuming that my mom would die of a broken heart within 6 months of placing her, she lived 5 1/2 much better years than she’d lived during her previous 30. Her caregivers doted on her and she loved them back. I still remain in contact with some of them.
You will never be the caretaker you want for her if you’re caring for her at the expense of your wellbeing. No parent ever wants their care to be a source of damage to a beloved child.
Good luck, Prayers, and Hope.
As for the dog, I don’t tolerate anyone verbally or physically abusing my animals. They’d get the tongue-lashing of their lives. Mom has to know she is a “guest” but the dog is a permanent resident. The dog is going nowhere but if she finds him objectionable, you’ll be happy to make other living arrangements for her, not the dog.
Im not going to ask why you took her, but I am going to comment that things need to change before you crash and burn completely.
You need to tell Mom the aide is there for you as much as for her. That you will not be able to bath her on your days off. Those days are for getting caught up on chores. So she needs to allow the aide to bath her. I never felt guilty because bathing and toileting were not things I enjoyed. I get overwhelmed easily. I think thats why I am organized. Now I am older I don't take on more than I am capable of.
Is this mass life threatening?
Next does it have to be a bed bath? Can she transfer to a shower chair? I have just written on another post about walk-in baths: Most bathrooms have a central floor drain, so if you remove towels etc and put a blocker at the doorway, you can treat the whole thing as a ‘wet room’. Then use a shower chair and a flexible ‘shower hose’ from the basin. You can get cheap rubber shower spray hoses that will push-fit over a mixer tap. They are not as good as a properly installed one, but would be easy to experiment with. If you wanted to plumb in a proper one, it would almost certainly be a cheaper mod than installing a walk-in tub.
Last, there are many many posts about people who simply cannot get their elders to wash at all, sometimes for weeks. Ahmijoy mentioned holding your nose! If you just told her that it was the aides or nothing, how would she react to not washing at all, particularly if you told her that she smelled?
Best wishes, and I hope that you can feel better soon. You have a difficult job.
Cancer or not, your mother is a guest in *your* home. Your dog is your pet. If she doesn't like life at your place then it's time to let her know that she can depart whenever she likes. Or, she can be appreciative of having a professional aide help you to help her.
No wonder you want to drive away. She is manipulating you...and you are letting her. When I was in the thick of my journey as a caregiver, being manipulated by my in-laws, and allowing myself to be manipulated, I read a book by Roz Chast called "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" It helped tremendously as did reading posts on this forum.
By the way; I, too, have animals (several) that we love that have been with us for years, and we'd not stand for anyone to abuse them in any way, even verbally; you don't have to either; you can just say something like "Be nice, mom; that's my kid you're talking about!" and hope that, repeated when needed for awhile, will stop the behavior. None of this is easy, no reason to let her stress you more....
This upsets me. If your mother is that violent, you need to stop being the caregiver. Please don't subject yourself to this abuse. I don't know your full story, but she needs to be placed in a geriatric psych facility and given meds to calm her down.
she refuses care, she refuses to let me do anything, sometimes she is so mean I yell back something terrible which I feel Horrible afterwards. I am seeing a counselor which is helping but it is tough!
Ive tried to get her into assisted living but she was so awful to the workers there that it was humiliating. It was just a “lunch” there!!!
Ive learned to just have someone come in and leave. She figures it out with the aid. It is always pleasant. It’s just when I’M around she carries on. She doesn’t act this way around my husband either!!! JUST ME.
So, tell the help she needs a bath and her hair washed and LEAVE!
Goid luck❤️
in the meantime, I find that writing down a schedule on an old fadioned calendar works. Have your mom look at the days, visualize what’s already scheduled for you and for her.... and make sure you include “grocery store” “work,” “hair appointment” and “dinner out” for yourself, as well as all of HER scheduled activities such as “bath with caregiver xyz” and “hair washing with caregiver.” If she sees that you are unavailable for a large part of the day, she might agree to go about her own personal care routine a different way. If she guilts you into feeling bad, just refer her to the calendar and ask her “when do you see that I am free?” She can’t put up a fuss if there are no available time slots in the day....I’ve used different colored pens to show my activities and dad’s things, too!
He looks at what’s coming up and respects that sometimes I’m busy...
good luck- and please schedule your “breaks” for YOURSELF!!!
take advantage of the hospice social worker or chaplain to give you support. The social worker may be able to help your mom understand that the aid is a part of a medical team ordered by the doctor to provide this service.
Also ask about the 5 night respite that hospice provides so that you can have a break
My Mom broke her hip and while she was in the Hospital, my Dad passed away. When my mother was finally released from the hospital, she came to live with me and my husband as I knew she could not cope with being alone and the grief. Sadly, for many years before my Dad passed, he was complaining that my mother was being abusive – – yelling, being disagreeable, ranting, etc. Many times he would call me and would be in tears and I just passed it off that he was getting older and things were not so bad with her. It was not until I moved her in with us that I realized how disagreeable she had become and I also realized that I believe she had been like this most of my life, but I had chosen to ignore it and perhaps it was the reason I went far away to school and then abroad to live for many years for I needed to escape her self-centered personality. Three years on since my Dad died, she still acts like it happened last night and tries to top the story of, for example, a friend’s son dying of brain cancer by saying things like “well let me tell you about my situation.” In her world, she is the only one who has experienced loss. Since the initial six-month period when she lived with us, she has attempted to live back in her condo, also in assisted-living twice – – and I might add both of those times she called and complained almost on the hour about how much she did not like the places she had chosen – – and then came back to live with us again. It was on this go round she started. calling me during work hours with emergencies that were not emergencies, if you know what I mean, and when I tried to remedy this situation by hiring a part-time aid to come in and assist her, entertain her and do whatever while we were at work, she refused the aid and became really ugly. Over the first 2 years, I started doing poorly at work as I could not concentrate on my work. I too had moments when I would drive to the grocery store and would just stay there for hours drinking coffee as it was my only time out of the house. I eventually decided to put her back in an assisted living facility by my brother (1000 miles away) for my health was nearly gone. Where she has landed is at a facility she asked to go to each time she tried out other assisted-living places, and of course, now she is there, she hates it. My brother who of course lives only seven minutes away never seems to find a moment to go and visit, so it still falls on me to scrape the cash together and go and visit on long weekends. When I do go, she talks about how I never help her, how I’ve never been able to visit her enough when she’s been in Assisted living, how her friends think I am wrong and how miserable it was living with me and my husband. My initial plan with getting her situated by my bro and his family was to get a break after nearly 3 years and get myself back on track with my job, however, I moved her and still lost my job. When she hears this she is somewhat hopeful that now I will say, ‘oh come on back and I will take care of you full time.’ Tough call...and even if I do or don’t take her back in, it will be bad either way for she never lets anything rest. What is the answer? There is no right or wrong one, but take care of YOU first.
I could just scream!
What happened?
into years of one crisis after the other. Some parents, whether from dementia
or from a long standing personality issue, demand constant attention.
You have to take care of yourself first and foremost to avoid serious burnout
and possible permanent health consequences. Not to mention disruption
of employment.
The sad fact is some parents regard their children as personal servants. Some
even use one child as unpaid servant in order to save money to lavish on others.
You have to look at your situation as it is, dementia vs childish demands,
excessive need for attention vs reasonable request. Might change from day
to day.
The harsh truth is that with demanding caregiving situations, if we're not
careful we can literally lose our lives in propping up a demanding unreasonable
and miserable person. Someone who can be cared for without losing yourself,
your health and finances, might still be miserable, but clean, fed and well cared
for and you, you can still be intact, happy and functioning.
They might not like the lack of red carpet treatment, the caregiver doing
the bathing instead of you for instance, but face facts, if you burn yourself
out trying to make them happy and doing everything, you likely will need
to contend with even more demands
I have provided care for other seniors who were gracious and grateful.
They knew they needed help and were appreciative that it was being
given. For those of us who could never please our parents growing up
or "get it right", caregiving an aging parent whose physical situation
makes endless demands of our time, provides a tempting chance to finally
"get things right this time." Dodge that carrot, do what's right for you
your family and your parent (s) . In balance with your resources, your time
your health and other demands.
They might not like it, but they probably won't like anything other than
24/7 devotion. Which is utterly unreasonable. Or, consider this, even
if you do "get it right", your parent might then proffer all of your time and
saved income to others.
Get real about your health, your mental health and what will keep your parent
well taken care of and still have you sane, healthy and happy. You deserve it
boundaries is avoiding the blatant guilt tripping and doing what's right
for everyone. One of the things that has pushed me over the edge though
is that my father has so many enablers that every boundary I establish just
gets smashed through again and again. Sometimes you just have to get them settled into care and then just step away.
You'll know how to word it but that may be the simplest way & make 'appointments' with a specialist to keep up the frabrication
Gpod luck to you...sending prayers!