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Oh boy do I completely understand what you are going through. I really can't offer you advice because I myself don't know what I'm going to do but I sure can offer you understanding it's hard being the caregiver and trying to run your own life to sometimes our mom seem to forget that. I hope you find good advice and I hope you find time for yourself
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i can't say anything but can pray for you.
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Don’t give your mother a choice. Have your 3 day a week caregiver give her the news shes getting a bath today and don’t be present when she’s told the news. Most times our parents are nicer to caregivers and won’t say no. I would always tell my mom after a bath/shower how good she smells and looks. If your caregiver can’t be firm with the news ask your hospice provider what they recommend. God bless you!
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I get so frustrated when I see these types of issues. I took care of my mom. Tell her she stinks. Tell her she looks awful. Tell her she needs to stay in her room unless she gets cleaned up. Accept it. You are now the parent. Please, nobody tell me how mean I am. Elderly get stubborn and spoiled like a child. I'd let my mom be stubborn but I wouldn't give in. She did. All it takes, hopefully, is one timeout.
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MaryKathleen Oct 2018
I don't think you are a meanie ( I wish I could insert a smilie face here). I had to do the same with my mother.
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Unfortunately it seems like your mother only trusts you. I was a caregiver for 5 years and I summed it up as a "prisoner with a purpose." When you establish yourself as the caregiver , it seems that you are the only one they can trusts. If you have a person come in during the week, then be there with her as she gives her a bath or they can bathe in in the bed which would eliminate the getting in the tub. In Hospice care, they have bathing supplies that doesn't require water or you can use a basin and clean her up that way. I had to get creative and tell my mother of fictitious doctor's appointments or people coming over. Frustration and anxiety is apart of this journey so don't feel bad. Many times I just wanted to leave and never come back, and no one ever knows how hard and difficult caregiving is until they actually have to do it. I hope this helps you and be blessed because you are doing a great job even though it doesn't seem like it.
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I understand completely. I feel guilty but often wonder if I will ever be free again. Fortunately, I have one sister who helps - we do it together - but othe siblings just do their life - and I cannot help but resent them. I have put my mother on the Assisted Living Waiver List in California - which is a real blessing for folks with no money for assited living. She is willing to go when it is her turn.
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Bamagirl88 Oct 2018
Would you mind telling me more about the Assisted Living Waiver List in Ca.?
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If she’s anything like my mom telling her she stink will just offend her and make her angry! I will tell her we are going somewhere or a drs appt but if she doesn’t bathe then I just have to let it go. Fortunately her care giver that comes 4 days per week for 5 hours can get her to shower usually 2x per week. When we travel I try to do the same but it’s not worth the fight! Fighting her will only stress you more. Sorry but yes this is what you have to look forward to. Find someone who also is caring for a parent and and get together once in a while, have a glass of wine and share or vent to each other. I find that does help me.
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Riverdale Nov 2018
Many cannot rely on that glass of wine. I find it hard when that is frequently suggested. For those who can I suppose there is temporary relief. I would not be up as this hour if I could find relief in a form that would allow me to receive a decent night's sleep. I am on an antidepressant and have medication for sleep but sometimes nothing works. I just think you should consider advising a glass of wine although I know you are trying to be helpful.
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I have my husband who is also the same way. He has multiple medical problems. I use my 3 4-hour caregiver times for certain things. 1-tai chi at a center, 2-to visit my mother, 3-for my appointments or whatever I need. My husbands condition is such that he can be manipulative and childlike at times. I often feel like his parent. I have to be stern and tell him “today is shower day!” Period! It’s not much fun but takes the “discussion” out of the mix.
Hang in there. Use your caregiver time for what You need! You’ll feel better for it.
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I get it. I’ve been there caring for both my M&D. I finally got her to accept getting a bath from the HH aid, but it took a while. In addition to telling her that I can’t to it all, I told her “there are things only I can handle for her/them and this is one thing I can delicate. Please do this for me.” After a while, she conceded. It helps that Daddy is so agreeable and easy. Being a full time caregiver is exhausting...especially not know how long it will be. I wish you all the best.
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First of all I find myself (one person, just me) acting the part of a fully staffed nursing facility. I do everything a nurse, aide, physical therapist, cook, laundry, maid, pay all bills, chauffeur to doctors appointments, bathing double incontinence, etc., all while wondering when my mom of 80 will ever sleep through the night, wondering how my torn labrum in my shoulders and my disc in my back can keep this up much longer, 24-7. It is a problem baby boomers are having now, those of us who still must work, those of us whose parents don't qualify for Medicaid or VA benefits, those of us in the middle income ... Not poor or on welfare, but who make just a small bit over the Medicaid monthly allotment. So there is no way out of an exhausting, mentally challenging task that must be endured. For who would care for my mother with loving tenderness and gentleness and compassion, if not for me? Some day I might be in her predicament.
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Your last sentence revealed a positive note despite all you are enduring. You cannot be replaced. I am guessing your mother cannot utilize any programs outside of the home most likely due to incontinence issues. I am emotionally dealing with the same issue. Yes my mother is in AL which is a blessing but money for that will eventually run out. I will have to go down the path of hiring an elder care lawyer. If she lives on and on we would have to sell our house. We also have grandchildren in different states that we visit at times to bond with them of course but also to help our children with their care. My husband and I are only children. We had alot to deal with my late MIL for the last 5 years of her life. I hope you have positive feelings regarding your mother from your childhood. I really don't. She spent long periods in bed when I was growing up. She has been a Christian Scientist for years. It is a religion I detest. She avoided receiving medical attention at various stages until she became completely immobile. That religion never healed anything. She could never be a hands on grandparent due to her physical state. She now takes medicine to basically stay alive but years of deferring health maintenance has her not in good shape to say the least. My husband and I are in our 60's and have health issues of our own. On top of all of this I was just recently told that she is progressing towards Alzheimer's. So I don't have an answer for you except to say that if you had early years that were nurturing for you then there is at least that. I don't know what that feels like.
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What happens if your LO is just over the Medicaid limit and gets turned down; the letter also mentioned she could reapply if she went into a NH. There is no money, other than SS, no house, car, investments.... I am unable to care for her; have my own issues. She is beginning to slip badly, physically and mentally, and soon the "village" that cares for her will not be enough, according to her doctor.... then what? If she ends up in a NH and "reapplies", what happens if they turn her down again?
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MaryKathleen Nov 2018
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