I was a caregiver for my Dad. It was hard because he bounced back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals for about 2 years. Within 12 months of his passing, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have been her caregiver for over 5.5 years. I am soooo grateful she is beating cancer and is a 5.5-year survivor. The cancer has popped up in her lungs a few times and she was diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. She also has COPD. She has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Her doctors told her she had to give up smoking.
My Mom’s case is a hopeful one in that her last 3 PET and CAT scans (over the span of several months) were CLEAN and showed absolutely NO cancer. In the past, each time cancer had popped up in her lungs she would have to go on treatment and go for a surgical procedure, which she barely passed medically for because of her lung issues. After her last procedure (which was about a year ago), her lung collapsed and she had to come home on oxygen after a long hospital stay. The treatment cause inflammation in her body, so she had to take a break from treatment. However, this does not deter Mom from smoking.
We have had many arguments over her smoking through out the years. When I was a young adult and lived at home, I asked my Mom to please smoke outside because I did not want to get sick from second hand smoke. She got right up close to my face and blew smoke in my face and said to me: “If I have to die of cancer, so do you.” Also when I was a young adult and lived at home, I once opened the windows to let the smoke out and she called the police on me for opening the windows in her house.
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves. I did get a smoking cessation therapist on board to help my Mom quit and she is taking a stronger dose of Wellbutrin (which is supposed to help her to stop smoking and which she complains about taking and sometimes forgets to take) at the therapist’s suggestion, however Mom refuses to get the nicotine patch or gum as the cessation therapist strongly advised.
She lives alone in her home and is an independent 82 year old and does have a decent quality of life. She can cook, drive, clean and is of sound mind. I promised her that she would be able to live in her home for the rest of her life. (I promised she would never end up in a nursing home).
I live alone in my own home which is in disrepair and am living off of my savings (and helping Mom with my savings). I do NOT have an income coming in at this time. I do not have a pension and do not have a 401k or any outside help. My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea. Also Mom said she may not be able to live with me. Right now I have an aide coming in three times a week for about 16 hours a week.
I advised my Mom not to let her 12 year old small yorkie out (without a leash) and to not go out in the cold. However, Mom let the dog out without a leash and went out in the cold after the dog and tripped and fell. She had her phone with her so she was able to call for assistance. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she refused. She tells me I am “controlling”, but I am just trying to protect her and help her. I just want the best for her.
The worst part of it is the lying. She swears she is not smoking, however I smell it when I go into her home and later she admits it to the doctor. I told her she could be honest with me and I would not get upset, but she still lies.
It is very difficult to quit smoking, however I just want Mom to make a “sincere honest effort” to quit smoking and make better choices for herself because she has a hopeful case and a chance at life.
She is never going to do what’s best for herself or what you want her to do. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want your interference. Let it go.
:)
i’m sending lots of compassion to you!!
it’s difficult, and you’re trying so hard.
————
1.
your mother said:
“If I have to die of cancer, so do you.”
terrible.
if possible, try to eliminate from your mind.
2.
if i understood right, you have financial problems.
if possible, try to solve it. your future decisions are limited, the less money you have.
3.
be careful with moving in with your mother (better not do it?). often, as a daughter, this means you’ll have no life yourself. helping will take up 24/7. stress. worry.
of course we should help our elderly parents. BUT you must help your life too: a full life, your own life. you weren’t born to serve another human being.
4.
smoking, etc…
actually, i must say, the advice i’m about to give you, i should give to myself.
namely:
if she wants to die/get sick/etc. by smoking, let her. she’s of sound mind. she has a right to die as she wants (even though the consequences/further ill health/problems will most likely land on you — because you care and will want to fix things, when emergencies/problems appear).
:(
unfortunately, the consequences of their bad/dangerous choices, land on us.
my LO doesn’t smoke.
my LO (sound mind) makes other very dangerous decisions — easily preventable. but refuses all solutions.
consequences land on me.
but i should follow my own advice:
my LO has a right to live as they want. i should stop trying to improve the dangerous situations. My LO refuses all suggestions/solutions.
so OP…
let’s both take a deep breath.
let’s let our LOs decide.
we can still help (with what you want to help with) —— but let’s focus on our own life.
in a way, they’ve taken away the responsibility for us. we’re free to focus more on ourselves.
(in reality, when emergencies happen, we’re involved and it’s extreme stress, and it possibly was preventable).
5.
i am in love with Debambler’s post (below mine).
EXCELLENT.
and i’m going to tattoo Debambler’s two paragraphs in my heart.
i particularly like the 1st sentence.
“She (and your brother?) has you right where she wants you.”
————
it’s very selfish of your brother, OP, to try to sacrifice your life: encourage YOU to become the caregiver.
he can sacrifice his own life.
You should nOT move in with your mom to take care of her, but if you did, she should pay YOU for caretaking. That is unlikely to happen.
Moving in and taking even more responsibility is a BAD IDEA. Your mother and brother might love the idea of adding the proceeds from your house to your mother's resources. Even WORSE IDEA.
Don't do it. Never mind all the lies and poor choices. You don't need to justify not wanting to be care taker. Your mother and brother do not need to like your decision.
You have a lot of great suggestions and support here. Don’t have anything to do with her, including a Power of Attorney. Your brother has a warped sense of Christianity. Write down on a piece of paper everything you’ve written here, and other offenses they’ve committed. Then burn it in a metal bowl to mark the start of your own life. Maybe sell your house and move away! Baby steps—it won’t be easy to reverse a lifetime of cruelty from your mom but you can do it. Have patience with yourself. It won’t happen overnight but you’ve turned a corner—realizing how much she and your brother have taken from you, and now it’s unacceptable. Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing! Best wishes.
Get a job at a fast food place, or Walmart or CVS.
Stop showing up at your mother's place. Give her the number for the Area Agency on Aging and let her live how she pleases...not on your dime.
The good news is that mom lives here and can get 24/7 aides on Medicaid.
Do some research and find yourself someplace comfortable and affordable. Tennessee? South Carolina?