I discovered by accident the other day that there is a 50 year old man from India living with my 87 year old mother. Mom, who lives in California just visited my house in North Carolina over Christmas and kept secret from me the fact that this man was living in her house. Until I discovered the other night when I called my mother heard a man in the room. Now she tells me that a 50 year old man moved in with her 3 months after my father died at 92 in April 2021. This man has been living with her since July secretly, helping her with "things". And my mother refuses to tell me 1) His Name. 2) Provide Identification... and 3) what her plans are with him for the future. So I am left with an unknown man living with my 87 year old mother and now the situation has estranged me from my mom. I am about to call the local Sheriffs Dept or FBI Elder abuse to find out who is living in my 87 year old mother's house 3000 miles away. I am very concerned that she has lied about it. -She was just in my house over Christmas and mentioned nothing about this unknown person. When my wife and I brought it to her attention tonight, Mom became very defensive and hostile. She refused to provide this man's name. As of this moment there is an unknown man from overseas, approx 50 years old living with my 87 year old recently widowed mother. I have no idea who he is. -And she is verbally abusive and hostile to anything I say about it. I'm about to call the local Sheriffs Dept and FBI Elder Abuse hotline. What should I do?
The question, really, is this someone mom has invited to stay with her, or is this someone who is squatting and she sees no way to get him out. Without losing "face" and a "helper".
Is there someway for you to have a face to face with mom alone to find out what her true feelings are?
I don't think calling the police will be fruitful because there is no evidence of a crime. And not sure APS will look very deeply for evidence, either, especially if your mom appears cogent and there's no signs of physical abuse or hoarding, etc. THey let extreme hoarders stay in their filth-filled homes because they "seem" in their right minds, so pardon me if I don't have a lot of faith that they'll be helpful in this situation. Also, if she suspects you're the one who called, she may cut off all communications with you. This would be a very bad outcome.
If I were in your situation I'd invest the time and money to travel there for 1 week to put my own eyes on things (and don't tell her you're coming and do not make it contentious in any way). You need to head off a crisis. IF she lets you in the house and you come in contact with the man, then he realizes he is on YOUR radar in a serious way. If he's a legal American citizen (or has a legit green card) then that house is his legal residence and he'd need to be evicted by the owner (your mother). I may also consider contacting ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) or the police for guidance on what to do if you suspect this person may not be in the country legally. The answer may be you can do nothing without actual proof. But, I would work this angle hard since it may turn out to be leverage.
Are you your mother's PoA? If not, is anyone? If you are her PoA please read the document to see when/how your authority is activated. This gives you the ability to actually do something to protect your mother against herself. If she has no PoA, I'd spend the visit trying to help her see the benefits of assigning one (even if it's not you, but your wife or a more "neutral" person that is trustworthy -- this is better than no one). I wish you success in working through this situation!
At this point even if you have POA and its immediate, if no Dementia, she can make her own decisions. She can always revoke the POA.
Is your mother competent?
If so, none of this is your business unless she MAKES it your business.
You certainly, if you suspect your Mom is no longer mentally competent, can ask APS to make a wellness check.
Otherwise how about a little straight up honesty instead of trying to do a power play. How about:
"Mom, I am concerned. I am not concerned to learn that someone is living with you, but rather I am concerned that you didn't want to tell us about this. Can you tell me a bit about the gentleman currently living with you? Are you feeling that you need care, need someone with you; is that the reason he is there? Or is this a friend who is now a roommate of sorts, and helps you with shopping, groceries and so on? If we come and visit you would that be OK, and could we meet this gentleman? This is all your own business, and if you are fine and you don't wish to discuss this with us, then this is your business as well. Just to say we are concerned BECAUSE you didn't mention this to us, and that doesn't seem normal given you were here visiting us."
Something like that.
Again. Is your Mom competent? She was just there visiting you. You have known her all of your life. Is this typical of her behavior? Do you now, once you found out this man IS living there, how did Mom explain that).
Again, feel free to call APS. But if APS calls you back and says "Yup. Mom's just fine. She has rented a room to this gentleman and all seems just fine" or "she has a roommate who is helping her with groceries and appointments and shopping and cleaning and yard work and handiwork in exchange for his room" WHAT THEN? What will you do then?
Can you not speak with your mother about this without starting out with the authorities?
I am 80. I am competent. And I would not hide anything from my daughter who lives 3 states away, but then I TRUST her, and we are CLOSE. But let me tell you this, if I didn't trust her and we were NOT close, I might hide just about anything at all, and heaven protect her if she go over my head in this manner. The outcome, for HER, would not be good. Because yes, he may be "illegal". And he may be picked up and he may be removed from your Mom's house. And that day may be the last you speak to your Mom.
I would try another tactic other than the FBI first, I can tell you. Like "Mom, can you see how I am not there, can't meet this gentleman, am made fearful by your keeping this secret? Please talk to me, or let me come talk to you and this man, so that I can be reassured that you are safe. I have never had reason to question that you are just fine, but this situation is MAKING me question that. I want to keep this between the two of us, but I am fearful for you, and if you don't talk to me I WILL be forced to call authorities to check this situation out".
At least then, Mom will be forwarned that you are setting the dogs out.
The fact that your mother has been secretive and gets hostile indicates she is not 100% competent, or she's being exploited or threatened. The timing in particular is extremely concerning.
Contact her bank and any other financial institutions as well to alert them, although I'm not sure what you can do without POA. Nevertheless, it puts her on their radar that something might not be kosher.
You are correct to be concerned.
I'm assuming that you have no access to her accounts, to determine if funds are being withdrawn?
Do you know any of the neighbors who could provide you with information on this man, assuming that he interacts with them? Or perhaps discreetly take a photo of him so that facial recognition could be used by law enforcement to identify him?
When she visited you, did she mention whether neighbors were getting her mail? That would be one method of determining his name.
I certainly would contact the local police and/or sheriff, as well as the local agency that makes welfare checks. Perhaps some attention from the local LEOs might prompt him to reconsider whatever his plan is, as I have a strong suspicion that he does have one, and it's to benefit him and him only.
Somewhere in the conversation you need to tell her you are afraid. That you love her. That you want nothing bad to happen. That you feel irresponsible to not check on her. That your feelings were hurt that she hid this from you. You don’t blame her for not trusting you as you reacted as she was afraid you would. You will work on it.
Ask her to help you understand what is going on so you won’t worry. Dig deep. You need to mean it. She will probably know if you are lying. She is your mother.
I understand your concern but I can tell you that it wouldn’t go well for any child of mine to start treating me like I couldn’t make my own decisions. I’m sorry you have this stress to deal with.
Mon is 92 and looks every second of it, yet she is convinced that every single man she meets 'wants her'.
I think it's great that she has a good self image, despite what the mirror shows--but if she suddenly had a 50 yo man living with her, that would be of serious concern.
Is there a friend or neighbor you can call? I hate to sound unkind, b/c maybe this guy is really a great guy (I doubt it, as do you, right?) but you need to protect mom.
Best would be boots on the ground--going there and seeing for yourself.
This is a new one on all of us--I hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes.
OP however has posted nothing; not even thanks for the concern from many people here.
i think OP invented the story.
it's fake.
it's like trying to create a suspense story, and get people hooked on what happens next.
a real person of course flies over to the parent, to get this stranger out.
a real person doesn't waste time on forums about such an issue. they act right away, call the police, neighbours, etc.
If he is taking advantage of her that is elder abuse and you could call Adult Protective Services.
If you are POA or Guardian you could have your Mother take a Psych Exam and see how competent she is and then something could be done.
You need to know if he is stealing from her, has he sold some of her things, how does her bank account look? All these things.
Call the authorities and go from there.
Scenario: Mother was out shopping and had a small accident. A person helped her and got her home. They got talking, and he asked if there was anything else he could do to help. He had no local relatives, and nowhere good to stay. She offered him the spare room. It worked out well for both of them. Mother knows you don’t like foreigners, would want to intervene in this, and she decided to keep it a secret from you. She wasn’t wrong – your reaction is very strong, very disapproving, and is going to involve every government department you can think of. He may in fact be an illegal immigrant – more disapproval, but it doesn’t actually make any difference to the situation. He may be a pleasant, helpful, grateful person. Mother may be the opposite of grateful for your intervention. He may be removed, and you may find that she does need more help. You may find yourself up to your neck in alligators trying to work out what to do next.
How would you choose to go if this is the way it really is?
How would you choose to go if he rode a unicorn to his waiting helicopter? lol
Advice that says this is 'none of your business' is absurd, imo. This is your elderly mother we're talking about and to say it's none of your business is leaving her to possibly *and probably* be grossly taken advantage of here. God knows what the details are of this situation, and how a 50 year old man convinced her to take him in, but I seriously doubt he has good intentions or is 'helping her' in any way without expecting something in return. Maybe in the fantasy Disney movies things work out that way, but in real life in 2022 in California, I doubt it. A lot.
If this is a true story/post, and if this was my mother, I'd have been on a plane at hearing the first word about this.
It's also odd that she's very hostile towards you when you ask questions about this man's identity. What is she trying to hide? If he's a friend, and someone who's genuinely helping her with things around the house, why is she so secretive? That's my question.
Go find out for yourself and don't rely on anyone else to do your homework for you.
Good luck and do come back to let us know what happened.
I'd try for now to at least get a first name and working phone number for him in case she can't answer the phone.
Call APS for your mother's area, explain that you're concerned about her living situation given that she is a vulnerable adult and ask them to visit her for a welfare check.
27 year age difference between them. I can only imagine what her family thinks of the situation.
I wonder why we are so much more accepting of these May December relationships when it is an older man and a younger woman?
OPs profile says mom is 78 and question says 87, super curious which one is correct because I think it makes a difference. I know there are men that are into more mature women, to each his own.
I do think that you should go meet and greet mom's "roommate" because you just don't know until you do. Right now he is the boogie man and that isn't necessarily the reality.
I know that my brother gives his lady friend the best he has to offer and doesn't have any malicious intentions. Maybe your mom has been blessed to find someone that just needs love and wants to love.
I hope you find a lovely situation and moms not being exploited.
Something is fishy here. Hire a private detective ASAP.
My own great-grandmother (when she was a senior citizen) married a man from the Philipines who was many years younger than she was. I don't remember it because I was so young, but all family members have told the same story that they were very happy, even to the point of them putting a 'do-not-disturb' sign on the door when he visited her in the nursing home. I think it's great.
But, bottom line, you need to see for yourself.
hugs!
including this post i believe.
i think it's fake.
Really? The mother can't be left alone. How would you know this?
At 87 years old the woman was still able to get herself from California to North Carolina to visit her daughter. When my father was 87 he was still driving alone every winter from his home in New Hampshire to his place in Florida where he spent the winter golfing.
It being unsafe for a person to be left alone is very different than a person being lonely.
Loneliness doesn't make a person incompetent or incapable of taking care of themselves. It makes them lonely.
Every one of us is vulnerable to a scam of some sort or another. Scammers evolve every day to make their scams even more realistic and more believable.
If you or I got scammed or ripped off does that mean neither one of us could be left alone ever again?
No, it doesn't.
You are spot on about the OP taking a few days to go visit her mother. That's a good idea. Then she can see for herself what's going on and can do it without being intrusive and looking like she's investigating.
Being elderly does not automatically mean APS has to be called in. That's ridiculous and also very insulting. People make mistakes every day. They also do very stupid things like get into relationships with criminals, scammers, abusers, etc... Yet nobody unleashes APS on them do they?
The OP's mom lives 3,000 miles away from her mother who lives alone. People will put up with a lot in a relationship because they don't want to be alone. Women and men alike who are half the mother's age or more are tolerating physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse every day from their partners because they're afraid to be alone.
The OP's mother even though she's old, has a right to live her life as she chooses. She can be in a relationship with who she wants and can spend her money as she pleases. Unless she's been declared mentally incompetent or diagnosed with dementia, she's an adult and can live her life how she wants.
Who knows? Maybe this young guy from India is a sugar-baby and the OP's mother knows it. It could be that he's nice to her and helps her out, so she pays for everything. That's how a sugar-daddy/mama sugar-baby relationship works.
The OP should just let her mother know that if her situation with this younger man goes sour she will help her. No judgments and no calling out the APS hounds.