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As my husband says - "it is part of the disease". However what I cannot get my husband to understand is what you are going through and I feel for you. My in-laws have done similar things- not quite the extent- they have threatened to call the police on me (because I told the AL facility they had gone out and gotten OTC medicines and the facility came in the room and did a "sweep" to remove them. I have been called a "thief" for allegedly taking their house keys - they were in the bottom of mom's purse. They even threatened to call an attorney against us (even though we have had one since we began caring for them) believing we forced them into the facility when in fact they were the ones that pursued the facility. When I describe to outside friends what it is like being in their presence for any length of time I describe it like stepping into a "tornado". A whirlwind of mixed up emotions, thoughts and feelings. And it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

What I am getting to is - I have had to create hard boundaries- for myself. I do not go over to the facility unless it is to take them to doctors appointments, to deliver supplies or unless I am in the presence of my husband. If I am alone with them- I now voice record all visits on my phone. Sometimes it is good to listen to them .....you learn a lot about yourself and how you respond ( sometimes it brings to your attention how you can improve on your response). Our emotions are worn down. We (I speak in terms of all of us who are taking care of parents) never thought we would be in this position. Our lives have been turned upside down never to be the same again. This forum allows us to see we aren't alone and to vent - as you have. You are not crazy! You have to take care of yourself, set healthy boundaries and don't feel guilty.

I say - if finances allow - hire someone reputable that can come in and repair the things your mom needs fixed - as she needs it. Then bill you. If you are under threat of suit for theft and in the same breath you are being asked to spend the night to care for your mom - I would not do this unless I had cameras up protecting me. Recording every moment of every day that I am there. Siblings can do things you would never believe they would do. Personally, I would say - stay away- if she is requiring that kind of care - can the family afford an AL facility or qualify for Medicaid?

This is one reason my in-laws moved to an AL facility - they were not able to keep their house repaired, they needed a caregiver at least 12 hours a day. Safety, security. Medications. Nutrition. When we added it up -financially we were paying for an AL facility. So it was an obvious move. It was the best thing that has ever happened to them - they are healthier than ever!
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Have you heard the expression "hurt me once--shame on you; hurt me twice--shame on me"? You shouldn't go back there!
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Simple, straight truth and good advice.
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As someone else has said here - document everything. We hate to think it will come to that but you just never know. If I were in your situation I would definitely put my family first; you could be risking their financial future on unfounded accusations. If your mother has a guardian that is the person who should be making all the arrangements, not you. And by being in your mothers house (after already being accused of theft) at night...well that seems like the perfect set up and take down. Also why should it be your problem to save your mother money? If the situation were ideal and your mother was no care and easy going it might be a different matter. But she's not and it's not. Good luck to you and watch your back.
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The emotional stress of caring for an aging parent cannot be minimized. While on the outside we may understand that they cannot help themselves when they are acting paranoid and forgetful, but on the inside we still feel hurt and slighted by the parent who once loved us. It is a very crazy making dynamic that can be psychologically traumatizing. I found this website invaluable for helping me realize I am not going crazy and I will say the same for you. You are not crazy for wanting to protect your emotions and your legal well being. Your mother lived her life and now she is being cared for as needed. You get to live your life and protect your finances and emotional well being from the unpredictable demands of your mothers situation. I would say that since someone else is caring for her, then they can work on finding other ways to make it work for her. Take your space with dignity and grace.
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You are not crazy. God bless you!
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I agree with the other comments, one other thing to consider they may have already used your Mom’s assets without permission and are looking for a scapegoat to blame it on! One hates to think family would do such a thing, but when it comes to money, the sky’s the limit as to what a family member will do! Blessings to you, but put you and your family first!
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It sounds like you should extricate yourself from this situation, permanently. You've given your mom 18 months of assistance...you've done what you can. I would politely say "no" and move one with your life. I would also document all of the conversations (emails, letters, etc.) for evidence, should a lawsuit happen. Why would someone being accused of stealing be entrusted with its contents?

I would also protect yourself with a visit to an attorney, just to have a legal ear.
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Please do not think you are crazy,you have to do what's best for you and your mental health, I look after my in laws full time with no support from their family, not even a phone call asking how I am, how surprised would I be if someone actually asked me how I was, I'm going crazy but no way out,for you I would get someone in to do repairs and also to do extra care,or ask your sister, hope that helps
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The Guardian has responsibilities that it sounds as if he's trying to shirk. Is he being paid, either from your mother's assets or by the state/county? (They usually are.) He took on this responsibility, let him handle it. Your role now is simply to be a good son (not a doormat); you have no further obligations for arranging for your mother's financial or household affairs. I would say don't be drawn into a debate with your sister about what you do or don't do, just say X is not possible right now and she should speak to the Guardian. You have no obligation to explain yourself to these people, so don't try to. They probably won't accept your responses anyway. Good luck.
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HVsdaughter Mar 2019
Another good reply. Yes, the caregiver is paid, and son would not be? AND work the night shift? Um no.
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After reading every response on this thread....PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION!!!!! Why would you even consider going back to that place?? Please consider your sister and so-called guardian are up to whats best for them, not your mother and certainly not you! Tell them under NO circumstances will you do anything more.....as others have said, and im sure u love your mom, love her from afar!! Please dont put yourself or your wife thru anymore drama concerning your mom....love and blessings to you!!
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HVsdaughter Mar 2019
👍Yup. What Cher said. 100%.
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Oh, my! Dear StoneMan, in my opinion you would have to be crazy as a loon to ever step foot back in that house under ant circumstances, even with a witness. If something "turned up missing," it may be said that you and your witness were in on the theft together. I agree with others here who suggest that you send your LO the occasional flower, card, gift, box of candy, singing telegram, teddy bear or whatever, but save yourself and your sanity by doing it all from a distance. Once bitten, twice shy, right? Being alone in that house at night is nuts, a trap. I wouldn't do it, and I'm betting you are *not* crazy enough to do it. Your instincts are good, trust them! 😉
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HVsdaughter Mar 2019
👍Yup. What Des said. 100%.
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You should always have an impartial person with you when you visit to avoid he said she said. Really I wouldn’t bother
sounds like your sister and the guardian are just waiting for when your mother passes and then the house gets sold. Let them work it out
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No you're not. Tell the guardian they're on their own. Night shift work is hard on the body and you have your own life to lead. When your Mom gets upset and starts accusing again, leave. Then visit her again. Accusations start again, leave. Keep this pattern up until your Mom gets the message. Bad behavior = no company. Also, have a sit down with your sister.... and chew her out six ways from Sunday. What she's doing can be construed as elder abuse due to coercion and exploitation of your Mom's resources. Fixing things can easily be handled by a professional. Your Mom needs to understand how her actions have negatively affected her relationship with you. Hold her accountable for it.
Good luck!
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Um, for $28K a month you get the taj mahal of memory care/snf. You just tell that guardian that placing mom in a beautiful facility would certainly save some money, especially when that house that needs so much upkeep gets sold.

And that is an option that the guardian can implement for their ward’s benefit.

:D
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DILKimba Mar 2019
Exactly! Well said! I about choked when I saw that $28K
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On one side of the issue, the guardian may be surprised you will not help considering you applied for Guardianship. However, you did not apply to become the guardian's flying monkey, nor the sibling's patsy. That puts you in a tenuous position, and you were not awarded guardianship. This is crazy-making, but does not mean you are crazy, yet.

Check with your lawyer, and ask if it would be better to withdraw your application for guardianship in the face of continued accusations.

So sorry that your Mother's best interests will be lost in this fight.
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No, you are not crazy. You are protecting yourself. Keep your distance, Let your sis , the lawyer and the temp guardian figure things out without your involvement. Staying out of this toxic mess is your best decision. Good luck.
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Now that I have picked my jaw off the ground, I would say that your sister and mom's guardian are crazy and have lost their minds completely to think you would put yourself in danger again.

They have told you what they feel by threatening you with a lawsuit, believe them and run, don't walk the other way.

Send mom cards and little gifts of love but only visit when you know you can not be falsely accused. We live in a society that accusations ruin lives, don't let yourself be another victim to this psychosis.
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StoneMan Mar 2019
thank you for this response.
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Yup siblings - gotta love um... but always CYA!!!!
Don't do it...
One of mine tried to take me to court but I had that covered WAAAAAAAY before they even thought about it! House sat for a so called friend one time, a neighbor accused me of doing drugs in the house... turned out to be the owners drugs... never did that again! An acquaintance of a friend warn me of assisting with an Alz patient, I was a very close friend because family lived about an hour away... I was setting up the move to a MC facility... then I was warned... family accused me of stealing due to Alz persons inability to remember... I had saved receipts... backed off just in time!
Blessings
hgnhgn
hgnhgn
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I read ur last post from April 2018. At that time you were POA. You don't have to answer but why is a tempory guardian involved, because of Moms accusations that you were stealing? If so, then he/she has a lot of nerve asking you to do night shift. Tell her its OK with you that all Moms money is used up for her care. That sister seems to worry about "Moms money" so ask her to spend the night. Tell the guardian to hire someone to "fix things" That under the circumstances you think she/he has a lot of nerve asking. That Mom needs to be in an AL ( probably would cost the same as 24/7 care in the home) then the house can be sold for her care. No taxes insurance or upkeep. That you will not be entering Moms house without having an impartial witness there with you. That you put in 18 months caring for her (wife spending 15 hrs a day there) only to be accused by Mom and Sis of stealing. No sorry, not that stupid. Please, don't take the bait, no good deed goes unpunished. You really don't need the stress of waiting for the "ball to drop" and it will. Your sister will find something.
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StoneMan Mar 2019
I applied for guardianship of my mom and the judge appointed a professional guardian in the meantime.  My mom was only getting 8 hours of care a day after we stopped taking care of her. We knew she needed more and that's why. My sister took mom to a new attorney and now she is POA. Guardian now is paying for 24 hour care and other things. They just ask for help - which I am going - why are you putting me through this again. By the way mom is paying $28,000 a month for home care.
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I think I can help, here.

Even if you were right now rolling around on the ground guffawing like a hysterical buffalo, I would still not agree that you were crazy.

I am gobsmacked that anyone has the gall to expect you to expose yourself to further accusations and heartbreak in order to save other people money and trouble.

Maintain social contact with your mother in ways that completely insulate you from any conceivable suspicion - visit her in the presence of the guardian, send her cards and flowers, whatever is a nice thing to do that can't possibly open up more cans of worms.

And maybe later, when this phase of your mother's dementia has passed, in the fullness of time; if there are other ways you can help you can reconsider on an ad hoc basis whether you want to. But now? As things are?

They have got to be kidding.
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valeriewalsh Mar 2019
Great answer. Yes, this is dementia, a very difficult matter to deal with.
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Who is the temporary guardian?

I read your past posts, and you and your wife did way too much for this woman (and your wife stayed at the house for 15 hours at a time to take care of her???).

Tell the guardian NO to "taking a night shift" to save your mother money. Don't wade back into the muck!
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You're being taken advantage of. You are not crazy.
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No you aren’t crazy at all. The guardian is barking up the wrong tree in my opinion. What would be crazy would be for you to step back in to the picture and assume these duties. I wouldn’t even worry about a lawsuit or accusations, your mom has clearly been deemed incompetent since she has a guardian. Plus there has to be PROOF of wrong doing.
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You're not crazy IMHO.

Based upon what you wrote, I would not be going over to her house or if I did not without someone to be able to witness. I'm certainly not saying you're doing the things you're being accused of btw. But you need to protect yourself.

At this point, given the accusations and the threat of a suit, I would take action to prevent anything further that could be used against you.
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