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I cleaned out all his clothes, sold his model train collection, and just got rid of mostly all of his possessions within about 60 days.
He was a raging alchoholic, and I'm a rescuer and empath by nature.
Due to having a couple of family members who have narcissistic behavior tendencies, I've been researching NPD, and suddenly I realised that my deceased husband was, in fact, a narcissist. What a revelation!!
I felt nothing but relief when he died, and spent a lot of time reconnecting with my children and the rest of my family (this was a second marriage) Never did I ever mourn his loss. I still feel guilt over this.
He had two sons with whom I'm still in contact.
When we get together they have happy memories of their father, and I don't spoil their memories. He treated them well for the most part while he was living, but he seldom saw them. However he was very mean to my two sons and their families, and also my extended family.
How it took this long to realize what was going on, I do not know. I'm a retired registered nurse, I should have picked up on this, and left him, I see now.
I met my current husband in 2014. married in 2016. He is an amazing, loving, caring man for whom family means everything. He treats me like a queen, and both my children and stepchildren adore him. My husband doesn't know my history with my deceased husband (I didn't want him to think I was broken, and I always kept his behavior a secret from friends and family)
I still feel kind of guilty because my deceased husband died without being healed. I know that I tried hard, but he just couldn't see himself as having mental problems, and here I am, having a wonderful life with my current husband, as well as our two families, as I always hoped.
My question is, should I share this info with my husband just to get it out in the open? He of course can't really do anything about it, but now I feel guilty about keeping a secret from him. It's really the only thing I've ever kept from him.

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I am not sure what it is you want to tell your current husband?

That your late husband was an alcoholic?

That you did not grieve his death?

That you feel guilt that your late husband died "...without being healed." You should know that no one can heal an alcoholic. It is 100% on them to find sobriety.

There is no shame in being broken. I am very up front with people that i had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. At the time I felt shame that I had allowed 22 years of abuse. But I was not the abuser. Yes I stayed, and the marriage ending was harsh and my ex caused all sorts of problems during the separation, but that was then. Today I am a different woman.

I tell people about the mental breakdown, to help to remove the stigma around mental illness. I am a survivor not a victim.

Think about what you want to share with your new husband and why? We do not have to tell everything about our past to new partners.
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BelleMolerab Mar 2022
Tothill you are a hero! I also share with people that I take medication for depression and anxiety. I share about my difficult childhood and about my late miserable marriage. And do you know what reactions I get?
"oh, I'm also taking a high dose of zoloft....."
or:
"tell me more about your childhood, I wanna know if you experienced what I did...."
BEING OPEN IS A BLESSING
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W.hat exactly is it you are "looking for" from your current husband?
Your "grieving" your former husband, what does that "look like" for you?
No, I wouldn't put this baggage down in front of your husband; it isn't his to deal with, it is yours.
If your husband has not asked you anything about your former husband at all it is my opinion that it isn't relevant to him. With my own partner I know he would simply shrug and say "Well, that was then and this is now. If there's anything you need from me as regards all of this, do let me know. If there's anything troubling you about our own relationship, do let me know. If you need me, do let me know. " And on he would go.
If you feel you have "grief work" to do (and don't mistake GRIEF for GUILT. You aren't a felon. You aren't a God. You are a normal human being with limitations, just like everyone else. Were you a felon (who can use the word guilt) you wouldn't care.
If you need to see someone, then see someone, a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in dealing with counseling on life transitions, or a psychologist. Tell your Hubby you have things in your past you would like to comb through with someone, if he asks. Most men are just concerned with "fix it" work; if you don't have something they can fix they aren't that much into it. Tell him that you are very happy with him, and it isn't about your relationship.
For the most part I would be somewhat interested, were I the shrink, in knowing why you are wanting to sabbotage TODAY, a day in which you say you are very happy, with YESTERDAY, which is done and gone and not a thing can change a second of it. What is it you can imagine you can change for the better in all of this.
I sure do wish you the best. You are with a good man. I think that he would be extremely supportive of you. Mine sure would be. Just see to it that you don't punish him with a whole bag of garbage from the past that isn't his to deal with would be my advice.
And, if it would make you feel better, share it. You value his opinion. I am certain, after thinking on it, he will have one for you to consider.
Best out to you, and I am so happy you have found happiness and a new life.
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There’s nothing to feel guilt or shame about in your past. How much you do or don’t want to share is completely up to you. Very glad you’ve built a new and happy life
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What? No! Are you nuts?!

If your husband - I'll start again.

In the *incredibly* unlikely event that your now husband suddenly reveals a curious streak a mile wide and asks for details of your second marriage (I am assuming that he does know that you were married and that your second, late husband died to your own children's complete absence of regret, never mind yours) then you give him the facts and explain anything he still wants explained. Try to do it without judgement, though certainly without apology. Trashing the late unlamented is never a good look no matter how well deserved the trashing.

If he should ever say that he feels you're keeping something from him, you can tell him truthfully that yes you are, but you're uncertain how much information he would want.

Does your regrettable second marriage cause you any trust issues, or other potential sources of difficulty in the future?

What happened to the children's Dad, by the way? - still on the scene? It may be that you don't want your husband getting dribs and drabs and snippets of the history from unauthorised sources.

You're right, he can't do anything about what happened to you. But happily you could, and did, and here you are to tell the tale. Just don't feel you have to tell all of it with no compelling reason to.
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I think this falls under the expression "let sleeping dog lie."

Your post sort of concerns me. You say you are now happily married to a wonderful man. Why would you want to potentially ruin it with details that 1) don't seem to concern your current husband and 2) are really, when you get right down to it, not his business?

Do you possibly, on some level, feel you are undeserving of your current happiness? It seems like you were, at the very least, borderline abused by your deceased husband...it's not an uncommon condition of people who are chronically abused to come to feel like they deserve the abuse, and they are not worthy of love and happiness.

Before you start berating yourself to your current husband, please find a therapist who specializes in abused spouses and lay this all out to him/her. You might get a better perspective on what's really happening with your emotions.

Good luck.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
I think this is such a good possible point in all this. If on some level the OP is feeling undeserving of all this happiness she may be unconsciously sabotaging it. It isn't fair to spread our private burdens that cannot be changed nor altered onto an innocent.
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What would be the purpose of bringing that up now? Are you looking for sympathy, understanding? Is your marriage having some trouble now?

Leave it alone. If you feel you need to talk about it, there are therapists for that.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
PS You might want to run all this past those who attend Al-Anon. They may reassure you that there are two things you can choose to do when dealing with an alcoholic. Stay or go. You went. In that you are to be congratulated.
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Deb, I think the answer here is a resounding “No.”

You have been blessed to find a man like your current husband. Leave the past behind you. There no reason to feel guilty about being happy. And you’re not hiding anything from him- you’re moving forward. Be happy, life is too short. Hugs to you.
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I agree with others that seeing a counselor to sort out your feelings would be very helpful. However, I would suggest that you consider ceasing to look at this significant part of your history and your feelings as a secret, and let your intimate partner in on it. Whatever happened is not only part of the past, it’s part of you, and it matters. It doesn’t have to be a burden to him; it’s just part of who you are.
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I just read a passage that says "Those who reach for the past may loose the future". This applies to any guilt feelings you have about your late husband. I suppose a counselor could help, but nothing helps more than moving the past, good or bad, to the past. Do you lament that three quarters of a good meal has been consumed...or enjoy the remaining one fourth. A vacation with only a few days remaining, do you stand on a balcony and be miserable that its only a few days OR enjoy the day and what is to come. Seek counsel if you feel it will help, but its easy for anyone to see that you are having guilt feelings, unjustified, and dwelling in the past, when your future is now with a good husband. Why do you even consider the balance of good/bad about the past concerning whether you did enough. This is for YOU to resolve. If your husband is aware of how your past relationship was troubled, I fail to see the point of making him wonder if you simply miss him..which doesn't make sense. I have a feeling that its actually not a big secret with him, but he might wonder why you are still dwelling on it instead of your current life. To an outsider, it would seen your only regret might be that you didn't get to spend all your past with your current situation. Start today and see the glass half full, not half empty.
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DebCianciosi Feb 2022
Rick, you hit the nail on the head for me! i do regret that I don't have more future with my present husband. his wife died 8 years before we met, and sometimes I think about how different it would have been if I had left my alcoholic sooner and I had met my current husband in2006, when he lost his wife to brain cancer. That's pretty unrealistic, and from now on I'm going to treasure each day in my life......thank you for your insight!!!!
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I am surprised by a lot of these answers. This woman was emotionally abused as were her children. To overwhelmingly support that an abused woman keep her secret has been perpetuated in this society for too long. It is perfectly acceptable to share your abuse with a counselor and with your loving husband. Please stop shoving these poor woman in the closet with tape over their mouths. Emotional abuse is a real thing that does not go away just because the person died and you are with someone who doesn't abuse you. Absolutely see a counselor. You don't have to feel shame for what your husband did to you and your kids. Find your voice and don't hide any part of yourself that needs to be validated.
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notgoodenough Feb 2022
I don't think anyone here is telling her to not speak about her experiences with her former husband; I think most of us are encouraging her to unburned herself of her guilt with a therapist/counselor.

Since she knows her husband better than any of us, and that she expressed concern that speaking to her current husband about this might hurt her marriage is, I believe, the impetus behind most of the advice given.

Certainly, there are some husbands in the world who would be able to "handle" her revelations, but there are also men who would not be able to "handle" it at all; and shaking your fist and stamping your feet that that's not enlightened behavior, while true, doesn't change that fact.

I see no reason at all that the OP should even mildly risk her current happiness by taking an unnecessary down unhappy memory lane and dragging her current husband with her, do you?
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No don’t burden your husband go find a therapist or grief counselor. Sometimes all you need is a few hours with a grief counselor who can help you Let Go .
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It really doesn't matter what any of us think, you must always follow your gut. It seems that your past is catching up with your emotions and you need to share a little of that burden. You can do that through self-reflection, therapy, or even conversations with your friends, your children or your husband. You can talk to your kids about their own feelings and experiences of the past. If you choose to unburden these feelings to your husband, why not do it in the spirit of gratitude? Let him know how grateful you are for his loving, caring ways - at which time you can contrast it to your unhappy 1st marriage. I think it's awesome that life gave you a happy second chance at a loving marriage - something to celebrate in your heart every day! Focus on that.
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In my opinion, there is a reason you have this prompting to unfold your past with him. That said, loving you wholly won't shake a good man or turn him away. Likely, he will love you all the more for trusting him. I left a marriage after 25 years of horrific abuse. I was broken and my new husband walked with me through some really hard stuff. I've spent my career working with trauma survivors and a good portion of them dv/sa (domestic violence and sexual assault) survivors. Never let yourself be silenced, but move forward how it best suits you. You get to make the choices here. God bless you.
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Do what you feel is best but keep this in mind. Once you tell him, you can't take it back. If it causes or does any damage to your current marriage, it's on you. You could just say you have never been this happy in your life as you are now. Let current hubby know he is your one and only and don't burden him with your burden. I would seek counseling first and talk your situation over and ask the counselors advice. It sounds to me it's not so much grief, but guilt because of the way your children were treated. You can move on with not grieving the abuse in your life but the guilt of how he treated your children is another matter. Their scars are still with you. That is every mother's nightmare.
You can also ask yourself if it is worth letting your abuser come knocking on the door of your current happy marriage, or put his memory in a box, lock it down tightly, throw away the key and never open it again. The abuser isn't worth your current time it in my opinion.
My abuser certainly isn't either.
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Leave the past in the past.
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Its not necessary to share all our past with anyone. Why put any disturbance in the minds of a loved one. Carry this on your own or tell a therapist.
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@DebCianciosi, I do not recommend you unburden your painful residual feelings about alcoholic husband #2 onto wonderful husband #3: that would simply be dumping negativity from yourself onto your new husband who deserves all good things, and no bad things.

Please go for a bit of therapy: just untangling your regrets for the past will help to shelve them so you can concentrate on your wonderful present & future with your husband.

You wrote such lovely, heartfelt things about husband #3 on this blog post. I recommend you write him a love letter — on a pretty card or paper, not via email — in which you say those same things. You said you treasure each day with him. Tell him that! Include that you daily see and feel his love and warmth given to you, to your children & to your stepchildren. You could make mention that you are grateful to his beloved first wife for “training” him to be such a good husband (and father?) and you hope she is looking down from heaven with approval. I am certain he will keep that letter forever as one of his most cherished belongings.

Congratulations for coming through the bad times into the sunny good times! You, your husband, and blended families deserve the happy days ahead, so embrace them fully.
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I'm so glad that you have found happiness with your new husband. I think it's important for him to know that you were previously married, if you will continue to see your sons from your previous marriage, and something might slip out from your own sons. But I don't think it's necessary to go into details about how the marriage was, beyond saying that it was not as happy a marriage as your current marriage. Don't blame yourself for your previous husband's lack of healing. People have to initiate their own healing, and he wasn't ready. And also, please don't feel guilty about keeping this from your current husband, but I recommend telling him the basic facts.
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NO. If the issue ever comes up in conversation, you can say that your first marriage was DIFFICULT. Period. Men, in particular, get BORED at hearing your previous problems; or, conversely, feel like THEY should be a fix it person for YOU and because he can not go back in time to be your rescuer and hero, he will then FEEL TERRIBLE guilt that he can't help you. And, begin to RESENT you for putting him in the role of rescuer of you in the past.
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Please just get some help with this--I think you grieved, you grieved while he was alive. A lot of us are in that position. Our marriages are far from what we'd want and we grieve, for lack of a better word, for what 'might have been'.

You've got a second chance to be happy. Grab it with both hands and don't let go.
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No. Your husband needs to know this because.....?
See a therapist before you decide to mess up what you say is a happy marriage.
We don't talk about our exes to our new spouse. It just should not be done.
See a therapist if you just need to spill. If you see yourself as broken, see a therapist.

Going to put this out there, not because you are doing this, but is there a chance that you are unfulfilled or bored with a happy marriage and need to bring in some drama? There is therapy for that, too.
Or, is there any chance you are detecting some of the 'same' in your marriage now, but cannot quite put a conscious reality to it?

With all of the possibilities that you could have repeated the past, but instead escaped that possibility, you might need therapy just to understand the magnitude of joy that you now are experiencing.

Have a great life now.
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What purpose would it serve to tell your current husband about your past husband's issues??

How is it going to improve your current husband's life to know these details about your late husband's character deficits?

How will it improve your marriage now to bring up these details from the past?

When you answer those questions you'll have the answer you're looking for.
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First of all I am sorry for what you dealt with from this sick, vile man. Why on earth would you have any feelings for someone like that - be so thankful he is gone, gone, gone and count your blessings now. As far as his own two sons, say nothing - let them have their memories. As to YOUR family, how he treated you was just evil in my mind. Be so glad he is gone. Don't waste YOUR time and effort having any feelings for him - he reaped what he sowed - you owed him nothing. I am wondering what you are thinking about "hiding" this from your new husband. You weren't broken - this monster was. You are not responsible. Has he ever discussed the dead husband or questioned him. What was your response. I don't see that yo need to hide anything from your present husband who really loves you. Unless he asks, just let sleeping dogs lie but you are INNOCENT - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG - never have guilt.
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DebCianciosi: Wherein lies the purpose of telling your husband of your late husband's alcoholism and narcissism? Perhaps there is none. One recourse for you would be to seek talk therapy via a counselor about your late husband since you are troubled about it and asked us here on the forum. Good luck.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Amen to that.
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Wow. I'm surprised how many people here recommend keeping your "secret past" hidden from your current husband. I was married to an abusive alcoholic and drug addict. He cheated on me and abandoned me emotionally. I raised to sons with him and finally was able to leave with some sanity intact. Like you, I felt like I was damaged.

When I met my current husband I found myself telling him things I had never told anyone. I felt comfortable enough with him to share my history, and I think I wanted him to be aware of the "whole package" he was getting. I worried that might have been a mistake but it wasn't.

I can not imagine keeping secrets from a man I love and share my life with. I would be hurt if he felt he couldn't share himself me. Your history is part of who you are. Never feel guilty about what you've been through. Don't feel guilty that you didn't grieve for that man. It's completely normal to feel relief when an abusive relationship ends.

I am truly surprised at those who would suggest that sharing your experiences with your current spouse would "ruin" a good marriage. If it's really a good relationship and he loves you, I would think he would care enough to support you in whatever you are dealing with. Hiding a huge piece of yourself cannot be emotionally healthy for you.
Please seek some counseling to work through this issue. Burying your feelings must be painful. I have closed the door on my past relationship but I don't pretend that it never existed. It's been over 10 years and sometimes difficult feelings arise but I have a wonderful man to share with. (And he shares his feelings with me.)
I once said to him "Why didn't I meet you 30 years ago?" He responded, "It probably wouldn't have worked out. We had to go through there, to get here."

We are grateful for each other and for our relationship, and always let each other know that.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
I never discussed my first husband with my second one. He didn't ask because he knew I was not talking about my ex with him.
In turn he never talked about his late wife with me. She was part of our life because their son became my son. Their marriage was between them though. When people marry, they start a new life with each other. The ghosts of the past need to be left in the past.
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Everyone doesn't have to grieve in the same way. It's not a One-Size-Fits-All kind of thing.
Your late husband was an abusive alcoholic. He treated you, your children, and your family like crap. He was a narcissist who thought that the whole world revolved around him. You had a miserable and unhappy marriage to him and should not have any guilt for not feeling all that bad about him being dead.
Think about this. His death brought about you re-connecting with your family. You met a wonderful man who treats you and your family right. You're living the good life and deserve to. There really isn't a whole lot to be grieving over when you think about it this way.
Don't let your former husband have one tiny bit of the good life that you and your new husband have. Don't let him ruin one second of your happiness. Your good new husband doesn't need to know your history with your former one. In a marriage there can be room for secrets, just not lies.
When I married for the second time, I did not discuss my first husband with my second. There is no need to. My marriage to my first husband was between me and him and no one else. If he had a question about him, I didn't lie. I just didn't always answer.
Your marriage to your deceased husband was between you and him. It's dead and buried now. Leave it there and get on with your happy new life. Go spit on his grave. I'm telling you, it will give you closure.
If you feel the need to talk about it, go to a therapist and discuss it. Say nothing to your new husband though.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
AGREED !!
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No one who is born of, loved by, lived with, married to an alcoholic is free from the emotional scars of that connection. Probably ever.
A therapist is a good idea. Don’t know what you would tell your husband you need help with since you are so happy but this feels like it could grow in your mind as an issue if you don’t address it. Perhaps you could refer to it as “bad dreams”.
I noticed you posted under depression and mental health so the nurse in you knows this needs attention.

I get your wanting to share that part of your life with your husband. No matter how happy you are, life happens and old deep seated issues, not dealt with can pop up seemingly out of the blue. So again, a therapist would/could help you identify and resolve the aspects that are causing you the most angst.
Additionally, your children were affected by his behavior and may have not dealt with the harm done to them. You must be an inspiration to them as you have created such a happy life for yourself at this point. His modeling and your seemingly acceptance of his abuse could not have been healthy for them.
Whether you decide to make your husband aware of your past or not, the fact that it is on your mind, seems to indicate a need to do some internal work to let that relationship go and to acknowledge that as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t love the alcoholism away. Sometimes we just can’t see that martyrdom is not an effective remedy.

I think it takes more from you to not burden your present husband with your past until you have done the work instead of giving him information he is not prepared for or qualified to deal with. No disrespect to him intended.

You are right that it needs to be shared for your mental health but best with a therapist and with the therapist instead of your DH because the therapist would not be burdened with the information and could actually help you and by extension, the entire family.

A few things that pop out to me when I reread your post.
1) You feel bad YOU couldn’t heal him
2) Your mind is still working on the relationship
3) You didn’t want to appear broken
4) You kept secrets from friends and family in the past

Wishing you all the best and know that we are all so happy for you that you have found such happiness. We usually get the posts where the wife (or child) is dealing with the alcoholic and won’t make a meaningful change. We know it’s hard to do.
Let us hear back from you how it goes. You could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar issues with your updates.
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No need to feel guilt. You are a survivor and survived abuse.

If you feel the need to explain anything to your current husband:
Tell him your deceased husband was not a nice man,
Tell him you are glad that he is your current husband,
Tell him you appreciate his loving ways towards you and the family.
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I would think if he felt it was important for him to know he might have brought it up. You are a survivor and deserve your present life. You endured alot. It is OK to be good to yourself. I think you should enjoy the relief. Your deceased husband made poor choices. I hope you can feel happy without burdening yourself about a past you had no control over. I wish you the best.
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I feel it is up to you. If this is something you feel you need to talk about talk to your husband. He will be there for you and comfort you and your feelings of guilt will lift. I think he would want you to open up to him.
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