Hubz was mostly bedbound, in diapers, had a feeding tube and catheter and had occasional vascular dementia. I took exceptional care of him but I also got exceptionally angry at him for forgetting stuff like keeping his hands out of his dirty diaper area while I changed him or wiping feces on the wall. Anything that gave me extra work. I lashed out verbally, not too often or I would be suicidal now but instead of being proud of how good a job I did, all I can remember is hollering at him. He was a sweet, wonderful man who deserved better and I am lucky that the short-term memory allowed him to forget my anger, which came mostly I think from exhaustion. We loved each other very much and truly I was not ready for him to pass.
My husband died last April after 46 years together. I am still grieving, grief is a long process as one does ones best to carry on.
We all second guess ourselves. I was caregiver alone for 4 years .
I loved my husband and did my best never the less I was angry a time or two . We are human and I strive not to focus on that but think of all the times you got it right and did your best. Then think of all the good memories before he was ill.
Even now I talk to my husband and tell him all the things that upset me during his condition and how bad I felt when I lost patience.
Give yourself time you loved him now you have to love yourself and weather the variety of feelings from guilt, sorrow, relief , and the loss of your partner and how the condition was cruel for both of you.
I keep busy , still sob at times then carry on as they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy forever.
My husband loved life so I carry on in his honor and life is sacred so we must honor our own.
Its hard but you will get through the grieving process.
I send you love, understanding, and strength.
Aloha
Give yourself time to grieve and go to grief counseling or a grieving group. two weeks is not enough time. Some people need a year to grieve. It depends on the individual and circumstance.
Each time you have a memory of the bad times write it down on a piece of paper and throw it away or burn it. Then write down a good memory of your life together and put it in a special box. When you have those sad thoughts open the box and read the messages.
My condolences on your loss, your husband was fortunate to have had you in his life. It's only been a few weeks, allow yourself time to grieve and heal.
It is normal to lose it now and then, when you are responsible for someone else's health care.
It is much more difficult to change an adult diaper than a child's diaper. They are bigger and more ornery.
I am sorry for your loss.
It is typical that people always feel guilty about the hollering, but your husband was very very very lucky that you took care of him.
Sending hugs. You deserve hugs and a medal.
Darlene
Like you, I had occasionally lost my temper and I had demanded to know why he couldn't avoid making messes. I often felt guilty close to the time and never stayed angry for long. We were able to cuddle and I would apologise, but then the next time something went wrong I would blow up again. My husband had also lost his short-term memory and he would forgive me each time,
My feeling of loss was compounded by the fact that the Covid restrictions had started and I was fearful of being with people. My friends who are also in the vulnerable category like I am couldn't be with me and so I wasn't able to have the hugs and comfort I would have liked. I was lucky enough to have a social worker who called me at intervals and just talked with me. She told me that feeling guilty was a very normal reaction from a bereaved spouse who had cared for their loved one, not everyone, of course, but it was a frequent enough reaction. I didn't believe her at first but eventually it has relieved some of my guilty feelings.
I still have days when I cry all day and feel guilt again but they are getting less often. I still say good morning or good night to him and yesterday I also said that I would try to do better and not break down again. Somehow that worked and I had a good day. I didn't want him to go when he did but I know he had been very brave in his last months. I couldn't have expected him to go through the ordeal that was his life any longer. I just wish that I had been allowed to go to the hospital and hold his hand in his last hours.
I have been going through some of our old travel photos and remembering the happy times we had together helps.
I hope that you are able to come through this difficult time and that eventually the feelings of guilt will recede and be replaced by your happy memories.
Many hugs to you.
Im sure the Angels are taking very good care of him now.
And he will be waiting for you when you pass over with open arms & a big smile.
Enjoy each day here, it passes so quickly
One I use is this:
O my God! O Thou Forgiver of sins, Bestower of gifts, Dispeller of afflictions!
Verily, I beseech Thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world. O my Lord, purify them their trespasses, dispel their sorrows and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness! Cleanse them with the most pure water! And grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount."
I also thank God for having this person in my life and for the love and blessings I received from them. And, if I remember, I try to do something special for another person in the name of this loved one, honoring them by doing this.
Being able to take some positive actions for our loved ones helps me feel that love still and be thankful for it. Perhaps it would "atone" for your bouts of frustration and anger.
I hope this helps!
If you feel you need more help, join a grief group like GriefShare during this first year of life without him.
Considering the strain of constant demand and little appreciation (at the time) you have just been through, its amazing you weren't angry 'a Lot more often'.
Anger is how we push people back. A defense mechanism. Don't second guess yourself and punish yourself with guilt.
You were completely devoted.
And showed loyalty and care in a time when very few ever do. Read some of the conversations on other questions on the platform.
Most people advise institutionalizing the elderly when they lose control of their own health. And therefore life. Whether it be a spouse, a family member or a relative.
Rest secure in the knowledge that the Angels are taking care of him now.
And you need to take care of your health and be gentle with yourself
Dr Bach Rescue Remedy avail at any big pharmacy, market, or Amazon, used frequently, (rub onto perfume spots..behind ears & on inner wrists, and added to juice & water constantly) will help you keep your emotional balance. Its made from essence of flowers, no drugs, no side effects. And has been available for over 80 years now.
Its okay to feel relieved.
We are only human beings after all
Im sure he will be waiting by the door for you when you too cross over.
"Love is never seperated from itself for long"
Mother Theresa
Your husband lives in your heart. He will be with you in spirit for your anniversary.
It’s obvious how very much you loved him.
Jane Osborne
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is such a peculiar mix of feelings and all too often guilt sneaks in and complicates everything, especially our recovery.
Grief is the price of love. There is no timetable for it. Allow it; don't suppress it as it ebbs and flows.
So you lost patience at times. Forgive yourself those lapses. You are only human. But you were there for him, for better and for worse. How fortunate for you both you shared a love many only dream of!
No matter how much you loved your husband, and it certainly sounds as if you both were blessed with a loving relationship, we all have our breaking points. I am sure you provided excellent care for him.
Think about the loving times you shared together.
look for a group in your area.
and starting dates
you do not have to go to every single meeting
and you only speak if you want to
They sometimes offer a session called
surviving the holidays
and another for widows.
very helpful.
If there is any "there" there, your husband is only remembering that he loved you and that you took wonderful care of him and that, yes, he probably gave you a run for your money there for awhile. Any yelling you did in the process is long forgotten.
Yes, I yelled and I fussed. He would just smile. He was a brilliant man before his stroke and I loved him very much and he was very fastidious about his personal hygiene and grooming. So I tried very hard to maintain that. But things can get frustrating to say the least when you’ve cleaned them up, got them dressed for a doc apt, then have to do it all over again because of an accident. Anyone would get aggravated. Don’t beat yourself I’ve thought about all those times and wish I still had him here to do things for again. That’s 6 months out perspective. It’s part of the grieving process. He passed holding my hand. I’m sure he knew I loved him and your hubs did too. Take a little time and pat yourself on a job well done even if there were a few bumps in the road.
Don't beat yourself up. Would you have wanted him to go on like that for a few more years? I know I wouldn't want that. You did what most of us spouses do/did. We take care of our loved one, despite being grossed out.
I took care of my husband for 10 years or so first with dementia then Alzheimer's. He mostly was docile, slept most of all day on his recliner, but in the beginning we went for walks and places. Later, it was just in his chair; he probably slept 18 hours a day. Finally, came the day I had to do IT. Find a place for him, as he got to wandering (you've all read this before, crossed 6 lanes of boulevard on a Sunday afternoon when there was hardly any traffic!). That was hard to do. He didn't get incontinent until he was in the AL; he began falling, 3 times there when he didn't fall at home, Hospitalized for all 3. Came back to the AL and Hospice was making up his room for safety when he had 3-4 strokes between his being showered and brought to his bed. While I hated to see him pass, I was relieved for him, as he would have had a more tragic death since he was prone to wandering at this stage, and very well could have walked into the street if the doors weren't locked. And, by the way, he hadn't know who I was for at least 4 years before his passing. Before he was in AL, I found him one day putting the house key in the ignition of the car (his keys were in the safe and mine in my purse); I knew it was almost time. His wandering up the boulevard was the straw that broke the camel's back. When he passed, as I was talking with him in the bed, I shed a few tears, but to this day, I couldn't shed a tear, barely at his memorial at the VA cemetery. In my heart I was glad that he had no more suffering, I didn't have to worry about him breaking down the door at the AL, or figuring out the button to push to get the hallway doors opened , as he was prone to do., and he could keep his pride when he soiled. We know when our spouses we've been married to many years (mine 58), should go, we don't want to accept that, but for their sake, we must think what is best for HIM/HER, not for us. Be brave, chin up, look around the house of memories, put all your pictures of you together on the wall, talk to them if you must, and remember only all the good things of your lives together. They are in a better place. Shed the rock on your shoulder of your words that may have hurt him. Maybe he didn't even know what you were saying or understand. Be kind to yourself. Hospice provided me with a counselor, and I didn't think I needed it. But, it helped me so much. I suggest the same for you. It will definitely help.