I need help in dealing with the resentment towards siblings who don't help more when they know what it takes to care for an elderly parent.

It’s normal to feel resentment and it creeps up at the worst times.  

Hang in there- you’re not the only one that this happens to! My siblings are awful, so awful- it hurts and makes me a more bitter person. I tell myself I am a strong solid person and nearly ever caregiver, healthcare provider, neighbor and friend tells me I’m doing a great job and that indeed it is unfair. 

One doctor said to me and I’ll say it to all of you that feel the resentment- I bet you’re doing a great job-you are a beacon of light and hope for the world. You all make the world a better place- thank you!

As hard as it sounds, you gotta ay the words "I NEED YOU"... and then tell -not ask- what you need her to do.
You only have one life; don't spend it stewing in resentment.
Give it a shot, what do you have to lose?

I hear you. You are not alone in your expectations and disappointments of siblings and other family members. We can’t control how other people think and act, but it hurts when those closest to us don’t automatically look at the situation and our suffering and step in with the same attitude of doing the right thing that we have. What I do know is that carrying the disappointment and anger doesn’t help you and could hurt you. Carrying these negative emotions too long can even begin manifesting in physical illnesses, so its important for you to find a way to release them. Definitely going to good counseling would help, but often isn’t always an option. But you can set time aside each day that is yours alone to rejuvenate. Try journaling or painting or some activity that can be applied to releasing the anger. . I mention painting and journaling because these are my releases. I also spend time with God each day. He has promised that if we seek Him we will find Him and that He will give us strength and inner peace even during our troubles, so I try to seek Him by reading the Bible and praying and I do feel calmer when doing this. A friend of mine has started doing diamond art, another runs. - it should be something that you are doing for you, the moment that it becomes something which involves someone else, expectations happen which defeats the purpose. Of course none of these will likely remove your feelings of hurt and anger, but at least help make them manageable and allow you to find joy or at least some contentment in your journey. Also, depending on the relationship between you and siblings you may be able to set up a calendar of times that you need them to help or assign to them a list of their chores. I know it would be nice if they just did without being asked, but the reality is that many people are selfishly happy to follow the way of the ostrich and want to have no clue so that they will be able to live easily; but many of them, when given specific requests will say yes. I also know their are many who are excuse makers or feel they are much too important to give time to something as menial as caring for a family member. You know your siblings and can decide if it worth the attempt. I also know that most people who are attacked go on the defensive especially when they are in the wrong. So if asking, find a way to be kind about it. The old adage that you get more flies with honey is true. But whether you ask for help or not, you will not be able to release these harmful emotions unless you put them into something else, so your own personal time is important. I truly feel sorry for my family who do not step up and help. When my Mom passes, they will have regrets to carry with them for the rest of their days I will not. May God bless you with peace.

When you say your sister just wrote checks, are you saying she was paying for everything or she wrote checks from your mom's account?

If she was paying for everything, she may assume she was doing her part.

You need to let her know that you need help and tell her exactly what help you need.

she can either volunteer herself or write a check to a Care to help out a few hours a couple times a week so you can have a break.

You need to talk to her. Some people take silence as you've got things handled.

SI, please open your mouth and tell her how you feel and what you need

From what I hear, it is more the norm than not. One sibling left to do the heavy lifting of care. If you haven't had a sit down talk with her, maybe now is the time to open that door so resentment doesn't turn into something worse. I can tell you, as being an only child caregiver, it's even worse to have no family member with whom to discuss and commiserate and to have no choice but to have all the responsibility and figure it all out and do it all in your own.

"Someone has to do it." You are that "someone" in your family. In my family I am. I also work 60 hours or more each week. Exactly one time I called my sister to come to the ER with my parents because I had to start work at 4 am and I had to get at least a few hours of sleep because I was working a 16 hour day. She was angry about it. That was the first and last time I pushed either of my siblings to do anything. Our brother has retired and now takes care of Mom's bills. That's an hour or two per month, and Mom makes a big deal out of him doing it. Sister has started bringing her over now and again for dinner.

The choice is to be resentful, or realize that you are able to do more than your siblings (for whatever reason) and appreciate your own capabilities. I'm sorry your sibs aren't helping, but you might just be aging better than them and be more capable. Yes, it is frustrating and exhausting.

Remember the early years that your mother sat up with you when you were teething or sick, helping with homework, listening to you cry or whine as a child, your moods as a teenager, and be grateful that you are able to show her the same unconditional love and support she gave you. Yes, it is harder but it also won't last as long.

When Mom passes you will have had a relationship with her that your siblings missed. You will have the comfort of knowing that you did everything possible for her. Because of you, Mom will be able to go in peace. If you are religious, you know that you will be rewarded for this. If not, know that you are setting an example for your own children and grandchildren and can expect them to take care of you with the same love and consideration they have seen demonstrated.

Obviously our siblings don't have the same values and we can't change that. Our siblings are either too physically or emotionally weak to care for an aging parent at end of life. I feel sorry for mine. When Mom is gone you will have nothing but loving memories and the knowledge that you did everything possible to take care of her and let her feel loved and wanted when she needed it most.

"HELP! I need somebody HELP not just anybody HELP you know I need someone...HELP"....Beatlefan, it is very important you keep a daily log of what you do for mom. If you have a smart phone, record on it everyday. As you have seen, you are not the only one with sibling problems. If somehow you can get your sister into a couple counsling sessions that may help. But I doubt if if she would accept the invitation. At least you tried. s there anyone out there with cooperative siblings?

Was thinking about this.
Your mom was in Assisted Living and you chose to move her in with you.
Now that most of the AL's are a bit more open and more steps are being taken to keep staff and residents safe is there a way that you would consider moving mom back into AL so that you can get on with your life, return to work and take more of a caregiver/advocate role rather than a hands on caregiver?
Yes moving her back into AL will not guarantee 100% safety but there has always been a risk of any number of communicable diseases from Noro-virus, MRSA, Scabies, common cold, flu, shingles, and a host of other possibilities that come with community living.
just a thought....

I am going through the resentment phase as well. Mom is 94 with dementia. I have taken care of all her needs since dad died 20 years ago. But it’s only been the last two years that she began needing 24/7 care. I hired a caregiver to live with her, since I still have kids at home who themselves have chronic debilitating illnesses to deal with. With dementia, I have become moms major trigger. The men can do no wrong. So my only older brother is off the hook in her eyes. This only adds to the resentment, that I am this horrible person in her eyes, yet he visits for 20 minutes in 6 months and she is so grateful for his effort to do so.

When I hired the caregiver, I told him we need to share the responsibility of taking mom every other weekend to give the caregiver time off. He refused making a bunch of excuses. So I asked if he can bring food so I don’t have to cook for her while I’m taking care of her. He said he would, but didn’t. I asked him to call her daily because I am resenting her calling me up to 12 times a day ( I know, don’t pick up the phone!) just so she can complain about the caregiver. He said he cannot call every day, that’s too much. I asked him to let me know when he is visiting her because she might need some supplies or something might need to be fixed in her house. He said he would, but did not call once. Mom would say he visited that day, and I asked her if she asked him to fix such and such, but she said she forgot.

Caregivers have quit because mom is abusive and accusatory. I was forced to put her in AL, but recently moved her to MC. Brother demanded to know why I put her in MC. I have not heard from him in a year, and I just went off on him. He has not seen her, doesn’t come to the hospital when she is admitted, has not spent a day with her to know what she is really like.

He knows she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me, yet he does nothing to help alleviate it. I feel once again abandoned by him ( he allowed his now deceased wife to be abusive to our family while she was alive), and a relationship with him is toxic. I do not plan on having a relationship in the future.

So how to get over the resentment? What helped is validation by my family and friends and the facility that I am doing a wonderful job making sure mom is safe and well taken care of, that I am a good daughter, despite my moms beliefs that I am an awful person ( for resenting my brother, everything I say really). In my heart, I am doing the best I can. I will have no regrets upon her passing. I did speak to a therapist, and it helped immensely to have my feelings validated, for supporting the idea that my brother is a jerk, so much so, that I could let it go, to stop feeling like I am the bad guy. Even though mom has dementia, the hurtful words cut like a knife. She is an energy vampire and I have put up my protective shield. I refuse to let my brother steal my joy, to let my anger eat away at me. I cannot change who he is, I can only change how I react and feel. I think you just accept things for the way they are. You really have no choice. If you have communicated to them that you need help, but they refuse, there is nothing more you can expect from them. Shame on them. Hire the help you need so you can stay healthy and sane, and don’t feel guilty about it if funds are available. Find healthy ways to alleviate stress, meditate, walk, pray. You don’t need to be a martyr; it’s easy to fall into that role when you are resentful of others not doing their fair share, just to prove to them you do not need them. And remember, you are a wonderful daughter taking such good care of your mom! Don’t neglect your health and happiness, don’t let your siblings steal your joy. This too shall pass, so take comfort that your moms last days will be in your loving hands. You are giving her the ultimate gift and you are an amazingly caring person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here.

I am in charge of my 94 year old dad's care. I have been at this for 5-1/2 years and I became legal guardian 2 years ago. I have 3 other siblings who DO NOTHING. I work full time and have my own activities, family, grandkids but I somehow got picked for this duty because I lived the closest to him while my other siblings can continue with their own lives, waiting for their inheritance. We did not move him in with us because our home is not set up for that and he has funds to live elsewhere. We have moved him from his home to assisted living and now skilled nursing. It is a lot of hours, a lot of stress on my marriage, and I think I have some sort of PTSD from all of this so the assistance of a great counselor has helped over the years. It is not merely the stress of my dad and his ever increasing dementia but also dealing with the legal aspecs of the guardianship, the care service we used to hire, making all medical decisions, care conferences, virtual doctor appointments, etc. that has taken a toll on me. It's just a lot and it is a continual source of stress.

I like to think that people do the best they can but we all know thats not true. You will never have regrets after your mom is gone. Here's a thought, think of what would help you the most and ASK sister to help. Put your pride aside and make your life easier. When she visits mom get out and do something for yourself. schedule sister her time so you can plan. Ask sister to help pay for a sitter part time! Direct and designate!!!!!! I am thankful my sister helps with mom, dad passed in June. We have two brothers estranged from the family by their choice. They do nothing at all. One has been estranged for 18 years! My dad did not want to let them know he was sick and passing.

All families do this. One caregiver takes on some or all of the responsibility and the rest of the siblings completely back off. It breaks up many relationships. They can't be bothered as long as someone is taking care of their parent, and it's not them.

I didn't handle this very well the first time around - with my dad. I think we assume other people realize how much we do but often they don't apply themselves to thinking about it and so long as someone else is doing it - they don't care.
When we got to this stage with my mother I adopted a different approach. I can't say I got that much more help but maybe more recognition and felt less resentful.

2 words, honesty and forgiveness. Be honest with her. Tell her you feel overwhelmed. Caregiving is horribly difficult. Tell her your feelings, in a calm loving way. Also, forgive her. She might know more, but she does not know how overwhelmed you feel. We all have different strengths. You arr blessed to have one another. Work together as a team now. Communicate with one another and offer each other grace. Tell her you need help. Communicate often and be honest.

I have one family member that feel entitled to an inheritance and have hounded me to sell my moms house and both of us move to senior housing. I know this particular sibling had only himself in mind. He actually drew up a will for me to sign, of course I did not. He caused a lot of unnecessary stress for our family and did not help us with our mother. He went on with his expensive life, traveling, living the high life, should have saved money for his retirement, but spent way too much during his working career. I found out the hard way after many arguments and stress you can not force someone to help if they do not want too. I would not count on your family to do more than they actually want to do. I think you are fortunate your sister comes to visit and does a few things, be careful you might end up with no help at all and relationship might suffer. I was very close to my brother most of my life and now relationship is strained. The best to you.

My heart goes out to you. I have been caring for my 83 yr old mother for many years. She had a medical emergency 1 year ago requiring months of hospitalization & convalescent care. I live 3 hours away so I was managing two households & spending 10 hours a day at the hospital. My two brothers never offered to help and have never shown up to see her the entire year. I agree with others, one sibling always steps forward while others step away, pure selfishness in my opinion. We are all busy, the sacrifice is real. Let go of your resentment .. more stress you don’t need. We can’t control what others do or don’t do, only how we react to it. You are the better person.

My siblings don't care for my mother. My mom is 82 and they do not take care of her. They do not want to be bothered with her because they feel she is all take
and no give and she complains all the time and is never satisfied no matter what we do for her. Some siblings just don't really care about taking care of their elderly parent nor do they feel guilt. It really is a balance about taking care of yourself and your parent without giving up your life completely because one day you will be old too. Parents need to understand this too. My sisters hardly mention my mother, talk about themselves all the time and do nothing for her, yet want so much attention for themselves.

This is a great thread, lots of insight and helpful thoughts.

Like many of you, I don't want resentment to creep in due to my caregiving responsibilities. I have a brother whom I've just written off with respect to help but I expected more help from my sister who is 3 hours away. I know she loves my mother but I'm starting to realize her occasional visits are just for show and or to make her feel good. Other than sitting in my mom's face the entire time, she doesn't do any of the real work. (I posted on another thread about this recently).

For those who have distant siblings w/families, how do you get past all the "family obligation" excuses for not visiting more?

Ask her for what you need now. Make a big list (therapeutic for you), then trim it all the way down to exactly what will work for the both of you. Release all that resentment/hurt for past deeds it will drain your energy. Plan for the future.

Thats not for you to worry about that will be her burden to bear when your parent dies or maybe not ... some people just dont care or cant deal w the situation.
If it gets to be too much get a nursing aide that can help a couple of hours per week or give you a day off

Similar story here. Even though mom age 82 is in group care, I still spend 10-20 hours per week on her issues--scheduling dr. appts, communicating with all medical professionals, from faxing elusive doctors, to the hourly-wage aide squawking over the phone in pidgen English. All the day-to-day incidents at the care center, where my mother's agitated boyfriend instigates yelling matches with care staff, always taking place in my mother's room (why am I paying $9,000 per month of her money for yelling matches in my mother's private room?) All the medical bills plus bills for the unoccupied house. All the decision making surrounding retirement accounts. Taxes!!!! I have two standing office-style file cabinets filled with her paperwork. Every now and then my brother tunes in to what's happening and suddenly has strong opinions about a legal or financial issue he doesn't even understand! Then he returns to his usual state of obliviousness. But now he is becoming more involved in the unoccupied house (an 8-hour drive for him; 3,000 miles for me). He is making a trip there next month to deal with plumbing. This is a huge step up in his involvement, so I just keep thanking him and giving positive feedback. I know we're lucky in a lot of ways. But agree with other comments here--the high-stakes decision-making, alone, is really stressful. The more money involved, the more stressful. I keep a very detailed paper trail, in case my brother ever wants to see it, but he doesn't.

Possibly your siblings were/are ready for your mom to pass and would have felt better if she were in a care facility. Did you have a meeting beforehand to get everyone’s input before taking on the burden of caring for your mom? If so, did they agree to help out?

Learning to deal with the feelings that were unexpected in this situation is the issue for you I assume, not that you think you can change your sister or that you made the wrong decision.

I think it just takes some time to settle into a different life. It is really difficult. And you want help to do it. Taking care of my mom for many years, including living in her house with her for 4 years, and having no help from my brother was so confusing to me at first. I just couldn't believe he didn't want to visit or help with her care, except to handle her money. I never really understood it, but just watched to see what he was and wasn't willing to do. I learned that he would like talking to her on the phone once in a while and that he liked for me to tell him all about her. I tried to include him in everything that went on through emails and phone calls. He seemed to want to know. When she went to assisted living he never visited her, only knew about where she was from what I told him. He finally went once to sign some papers.

He is now hospitalized and presumed to be dying and I drive 40 mins there and back to stay a few hours with him 3 days a week. I learned some things I had never known about my brother. I thought he was a sort of hermit, but it turns out he had a real fear of leaving his house. Agaraphobia think it's called. I did not know that. How did I not know that?!! I guess because I'd known him all his life he seemed his normal self always to me.

So, maybe if you could think about your sister that way, that you really don't know everything about her and so the reasons she doesn't help are simply a mystery. Without knowing her at all, and excuse my presuming, I suspect some sort of fear.

I at 70 years old, have been caring for my 93 year old mother in my home now for 2 years. at her request, she asked to come live with me because my 2 bothers in California had not lifted a finger to help her with anything. mind you, one bother stills lives in her home. Did I mention, my mother had a stroke a year and a half ago and has stage 6 dementia, and was not expected to live thru the night, but by the grace of God, she is still with us. I love my mother dearly, but caring for a family member is a full time job and to help me mentally get past the anger of having 2 worthless siblings, and doing this and trying to maintain my marriage, I choose to pay myself a monthly salary from my mothers savings for caring for her. I found that this really helped to eliminate a good portion of the hate and anger that had been building up in me.

If 'helps' to understand that ULTIMATELY resentments hurt YOU so this is where forgiveness - and learning how to do that - supports your overall mental and physical health. I learned this using my Angel cards decades ago. The key is realizing that forgiving means you forgive the person, not accept the behavior as being okay. You hold a person accountable while letting go of your resentment. You forgive for yourself to be able to process through it and not stay stuck there. Forgiving doesn't mean you are a doormat for others. With awareness of releasing the negative feelings you have, you also need to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions, i.e., "I know I could have asked..." might mean you need to assert yourself and express your needs to your sister, and learn to stand up for yourself. I know that realizing that forgiveness is a tool to heal MYSELF was a major incentive to do it. However the chips fall with the other person being forgiven is secondary and a bonus for the other person or people involved. Gena.

Caring for a dependent or demented adult IS a lot of hard work. Unfortunately, you assume that your sister would not do more - because you never asked for more help. Regret is difficult to deal with unless you are willing to -
admit the reality of the situation(s) at that time in history (we all have biases),
list or recount the resources and opportunities not utilized (there are some),
discover why we didn't choose to utilize the resources or opportunities,
and choose to either make peace with the past - or live differently in the present.
When you can move past "the past" and into the present, you may discover that you do not know the challenges others face or that they are not aware you need more help. BTW, help can come from many sources, not just family. Some people will never acknowledge your efforts, your struggles, or your triumphs. I tend to stop looking for affirmation from these folks and lean harder into the tribe of people that do. Maybe it's time to let go of the hurt and embrace what works better for you.

NeedHelpWithMom ...Your story sounds so much like mine. I also took care of my mother who had Parkinsons's for over 15 years. MY siblings never even called to ask how she was. Taking care of a parent is not always about choices.

All those stating it is a choice, would they have left their aged and ill mother whose home is under 9ft of water to fend for herself? I hope NOT!

Caregiving is about humanity and compassion. So please stop saying it's a choice. It is not always a choice!

I'm the oldest, have younger brother and sister.

Mother had life threatening car accident in 1980 (my senior year in high school). Her recovery took almost 10 years. Younger sister took on a lot of moms activities (cleaning, etc.)

By 1991, younger brother and sister had moved out of family home. Father had stroke in 1991. Left side paralysis. I'm the one who found him. I stayed with Mom to help care for him, changing colostomy bags, cleaning up feces & urine, taking them doctors appts., and lots of other things I'm sure I've forgotten..... until I couldn't do it anymore... and wanted to try and have my own life. I moved in 1996. She hired help.

I tried to build my own life, bought a house, had a career... all of that ended with the Great Recession. I became depressed and suicidal. Sister got me out of my foreclosed home, took me in. I move back to my moms to help her with Dad in 2008... been here ever since. He's passed. Now I'm caring for her.

Sister and brother have always been "arms length" caregivers. They've never done the "hard stuff". They tried taking care of my mom while I tried leaving... and she suffered for it. Sister lives too far away to be here regularly, and brother lives here but is useless. I'm simply stuck here... so it's back to primary giver I go.

We are all equally my mothers kids... so I don't believe the notion that it's my responsibility to "ask" them for help. They need to step up and be involved. We should all be equalizing her care so no one person is carrying too much... instead I do the bulk of it (all of it now), and they skate.

I love my mom but I hate my life. When mom goes, I'm outta here... and DONE with them.

An old friend once told me, " blood makes you related, but how we treat each other is what makes us family"

It’s absolutely normal to feel negative emotions. They are reactions to being hurt. It is getting stuck in these emotions that are harmful.

You will learn to work through these emotions and start to heal and figure out what to do.

I always found it helpful to speak to a therapist to get insight on a strategy to help. My therapist even told me that it was okay to be angry for valid reasons.

Anger and frustration anger can motivate us to find solutions. It’s when we use anger to harm ourselves or others that we get into trouble.

I’m sorry you’re going through that. It took me a lifetime of dysfunction to realize that my caregiving role was relegated to me from an early age while my siblings stood on the sidelines, all capable to help and would drop out whenever a crisis would happen. My mother is clinically depressed and diagnosed with PD, suffers from PTSD and Is bipolar. She is extremely paranoid and manipulative while living independently and fearing loss of her independence which grew to become unhealthy, abusive behavior toward me. I resigned from the abusive situation, notified family, agencies and blocked my phone from family. I’m on permanent respite and my siblings and family who hovered all these years while I managed and received the brunt of my mother’s wrath and anxiety can decide how to step in and take the lead without me. The biggest part is realizing that I was not alone in this decision and supported, realizing I was caring for a parent who continually abused and fired IHSS support, she wanted me as the sole contact to fill the gap for her abuse and my siblings knew and did little to nothing to help me. I did what was right for me to protect myself. It may not be the trend, but this is what happens to me when I’m pushed to burnout and not taking care of care number one. I hope you have asked for what you need to help alleviate your feelings of resentment toward family.