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Is there any way you could get permission to speak with his doctor? Maybe there is a social worker your Mom could talk to about getting resources to help?
I do think that this needs to be taken care of ASAP or else instead of one patient (your Dad) you are going to have two (Mom and Dad). Even with an antidepressant, she is too old to be dealing with this on an ongoing day to day basis.
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Twooffiveminus2 Mar 2021
You’re so right - she is too old to have this to deal with. But she lives him, does not want to be separated from him if he’s not aggressive or agitated (he isn’t, at least not yet).

I’ve written oodles more on other replies and I’m guessing no one wants to read it all again. I wrote a very long reply to xrayjodib if you are interested. I acknowledge that partly I needed to be heard. Thanks for doing that.
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You say that this is wearing you out, but you are in California while they are in Virginia. I think that the one being completely worn out is likely your mother. It sounds to me as though your Dad needs transport to the Hospital and diagnosis and staging, and more than likely placement, as your Mom is not going to be able to care for him soon enough in all likelihood. Are you the POA for your parents?
This may come down to your needing to travel to Virginia to assess this situation if there is no other family there, or asking APS for a wellness check on your parents. So sorry. All of this is made so much more difficult with the distance factor. I wish you the best.
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Twooffiveminus2 Mar 2021
Of course Mom is the critical piece as she’s the one who does the daily caretaking (as she has her whole life- it was how their marriage worked). I wish you hadn’t felt the need to say that she’s the one who must be exhausted. We both are, just in different ways.

I drove from CA to VA in January (not willing to fly yet) so I could see what could be done, have a meeting (parents and me) with the doc and to support Mom. That’s why I found this forum to seek help.

What is APS? Dad is unlikely to do anything willingly or to discuss what he feels is a private matter - meaning that he feels Mom’s behavior in his delusions is something just the two of them should discuss, so he can help her with her problem. He told me that. So I wonder how they do an eval in those circumstances and what to do with the information. I wrote a lengthy reply to xrayjodib but in shorter form - Dad is pretty functional for a 90 year old. He does have dementia but it’s fairly mild so far, with only short bouts of being really lost. So it’s the delusions and their effect on Mom that I’m focused on.

I appreciate your kindness in the rest of your reply and perhaps I am being sensitive to what may have been said with no bad intent. If so, my apologies.
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