I know you told me so, but I didn't listen. Okay my 98 dad was released from AL last week and I've been busting my butt 24/7 to clean and fix up his home so it is safe for him to live. My brother has been a thorn in my side since I was in my twenties. He live in NJ and we're in FL. I found out he has been repeatedly telling my dad that I am no good, I do nothing but cause him trouble and to get rid of me! So all of the yelling, belittling and abuse from my dad is triggered by my brother.
Since my dad has been home, I gave him the keys back (what my brother wanted) and let him drive to the stores and live alone. He refuses to take a bath/shower and his new meds. My hubby and I are going as fast as humanly possible to clean and renno his home. He TOLD me to give away his suits, ties, etc. So of course, I did. Well now I'm the most horrible daughter anyone could have. I gave away all his belongings and what's he going to do? He called my brother and started WWar XXX.
Now, I know he has dementia, my hubby and children know he has dementia. But the AL where he was and my brother said he does not?
Do I call SS? Should I get an eval on him? Do I call the original attorney that drew up the DPOA? He told me 7 yrs ago that my dad had dementia and he was almost unable to sign the documents. In case my dad falls and winds up in the hospital again, I would like to keep him in AL for good. I don't know how to do this. But I know I cannot live this way any longer. I will not make it. I'm a complete wreck and constantly depressed. My life is SH*T.
Please advise.
A bag thrown over your head? A hit man? A swarm of killer bees? None of those?
So stop, have a beverage and think. YOU hold the DPOA. Your brother holds an umbrella when it’s raining. NOTHING that he says or does in any way reflects on who you are or what you do.
Your father has dementia. He cannot reason or be reasoned with. Neither apparently, can your brother. Making any effort of any kind to fix up the house perpetuates the myth that your father is in any way capable of independent living. He’s NOT.
When the inevitable incident occurs, (WHEN, NOT IF. IT WILL), move forward with your plan to make his stay in residential care permanent. Your brother has NO official say, and has earned NO UNOFFICIAL SAY.
Whatever his previous residence SAID was in the past.
If he has a medical doctor contact that person IN A NOTE explaining dad’s current behavior and need for supervision. Ask the doctor for a referral for a full psychological/cognitive assessment with a GERIATRIC trained specialist.
Stop doing ANYTHING for dad that is not essential.
ENJOY YOUR BOAT. YOUR DESERVE TO.
You say your dad has dementia. Has he been formally diagnosed?. If not, or maybe anyway, it sounds like it is time for physical and mental evaluations by the proper professionals to establish his needs. Neither the AL nor your bro can make those evaluations,
Your job as DPOA is to see that his needs are met and not to allow your bro to bully you into unwise decisions. Speak to his doctor about evaluations and about his driving and also notify the DMV. You can contact APS to report the situation and your local Agency for Aging for advice. Once he is assessed then suitable placement can be found. It may help to settle bro if he sees professional assessments of your dad and professional recommendations. Or it may not. In any case you are doing your job as DPOA and not trying to please bro and dad which I suspect is impossible and always has been.
Fixing up dad's house with HIS money with view to future sale, the proceeds of which will go to look after HIM, may be a good idea. Do not use your own money for this. Be aware that you are not obliged to do the work,
Groundhog Day - remember the film? Phil steps into that big puddle or hole.. it was there in the same spot every day. How many days did it take him to learn to walk around it? (I can't remember - anyone know?)
So you fell in the hole again... the aim is NEXT time to AVOID it!
So Dad is back in his home now? If he can he cook, clean, wash? Then leave him be.
If he can't, can he open the door to let hired help in to assist? Yes? Leave him be.
If no, call APS & ask them to urgently investigate an elder at risk - self-neglect due to age related decline ?dementia.
Dad WANTS to live in his home. Maybe that's possible for a while yet, maybe that's not...
Do you think it's your role to get him what WANTS? Or to do what your Brother says?
If so, why? Really, ask yourself why.
What happens if you said "No, I won't do that" to either of them? Do they bully? Or 'lose it' yell, get nasty, swear, threaten?
My brother is past bullying. He stirs up trouble with my dad up and tells him the most outrageous lies about me! I'm spending all his money, selling the house out from under him and having him committed! And yes, telling everyone he has dementia! My dad has been a different person for the last 7 yrs since my mom passed and that is the only reason I have been able to visit and take care of him. I have to post an additional question since my brother has started another big mess.
My youngest daughter is DEA & a county detective. So I cannot get a restraining order on him unless he hurts me. (bummer)
It sure does feel like Groundhog Day every day for the last month.
I so appreciate all the help/advice.
Brother gets no say and doesn't have to be given any information. Keep extremely detailed records of every penny of Dad's money, how it's spent, and keep all receipts. Keep track of the hours you spend handling his affairs.
Keep track of Brother's behaviors as well with dates, times, and what he's saying. (You're building a case/defense in the event Brother gets legal on you.)
Be sure to have a doctor document IN WRITING Dad's mental capacity, and keep a copy of that and the DPOA with you at all times when you have to deal with Dad or his care.
STOP renovating Dad's house. You're wasting money.
Take the keys to the car away from him immediately, or disable the car so it won't start. Pull out a couple of spark plugs because that's harder to diagnose than merely disconnecting the battery. Immediately forget any automotive expertise you might have. Dad driving is just asking for his entire estate to be wiped out in a lawsuit if he kills someone.
If you don't have DPOA, walk away.
You wrote, "Do I call the original attorney that drew up the DPOA? He told me 7 yrs ago that my dad had dementia and he was almost unable to sign the documents." So to clarify, he did sign the paperwork? If so and YOU are the DPOA then what are you waiting for? Durable means you do not need a diagnosis to act on his behalf, even if he rejects what you're doing for him. You have the ability to place him back in AL and keep him there and if he has the funds to pay for it. If he won't stay then he may be considered a wander risk and they may move him to MC. It's YOUR call, if you are the DPoA. Stop sharing info with your meddling brother. He no longer calls the shots since it's not his life that's being impacted by your father's hot mess.
"I know he has dementia, my hubby and children know he has dementia. But the AL where he was and my brother said he does not?"...did you speak directly to the facility or are you getting this info from your dad? What would your brother know about anything being a thousand miles away in NJ?
It only matters that the doctor thinks he has dementia based on tests, not the AL and not your brother. DPoA means you don't need a diagnosis but to get your brother off your back, and if you can get your dad in to be seen and tested, you might want to consider getting it into his medical records. You may need to tell him a therapeutic fib to get him into the doctor's office for this appointment (and do not tell him he's there for a cognitive exam!) Try telling him that Medicare or SS now requires an annual physical in order to prevent an interruption in benefits. Tell him whatever you think will get him there. Go with him to this appointment. Hand the staff a pre-written note informing them of who your are (his daughter) and your concerns about his behaviors so requesting a cognitive and memory exam. Give it to them discretely. While there, attempt to have him sign you as his Medical Representative so that his doctor can discuss his private medical information with you without your father being present. HIPAA will prevent the doctor from talking to you otherwise.
My next concern is his driving. How do you know he's a safe driver? Have you ever secretly pulled out behind him and followed him to see how it goes? I do this at least once every 1 or 2 months with my 92-yr old mother. My uncle was in his 90's and drove through a red light which got him t-boned and it killed his wife and dog and injured the victims in the other car. Please make sure his driving skills are still appropriate. You are in the best position to prevent innocent victims from being hurt or killed by a compromised driver. Literally remove the car from his property (and the keys) and tell him it's in the shop. No matter how much he howls, do not return it. Sell it and use the funds to pay for his care (and save money by not having to pay for car insurance).
Lastly, you need to talk to a Medicaid planner who will educate you and give you strategies for how to preserve your dad's ability to qualify for this important benefit in the very likely event that he needs it to pay for his care. Do this asap as it is very easy for adult children to innocently screw things up since Medicaid has a 5-yr lookback period on their application. Good luck - you have your work cut out for you!
I have DPOA, and am plenary guardian and health care surrogate.
It's been almost 7 yrs since my dad signed these documents. He doesn't remember any of that. His house was my mom's. She put me on the deed with her and my dad. My dad's bank account has my brother's name after his as POD. I think this was done to avoid probate? We went to an attorney but he never explained any of these things. Do I call SS or Medicaid?
He has changed a lot since being discharged. He seems more confused and I cannot leave him for more than a day or he gets combative.
I'm sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle. I will definitely drive behind him next time. I'll try to get him to the Dr.
Then I will say, since your brother likes to tell you and dad what to do from afar, why don't you call your brother and tell him that you will be bringing dad up to NJ, next week to live with him, so he can take over his care. I would venture to guess that your brothers tune would change rather quickly. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who lives far away, and thinks they know everything and what is best for their LO, when they are not there for the day in and day out.
I know you're doing the best you can, but realistically, dad needs to be placed in a memory care facility, not an assisted living facility. He is beyond the requirements needed to live in an assisted living facility, as he now requires more care.
However for now your hands are tied(unless you take him to NJ)and you will have to wait for the next catastrophe to happen.(and don't worry it will) It will be then that decisions will have to be made regarding his long term care.
In the meantime, I would not do any more than you absolutely have to for your dad, or his home. If he thinks he is able to live on his own, then let him. He will learn quickly(without your help)that he really is no longer able. You are going to have to let the chips fall where they may.
And please start taking care of yourself. You still have a lot of living left to do. God bless you.
Thank you.