Follow
Share

When I came this morning to my parents, I noticed my mother was covered in urine. (Apparently she had messed with the diapers during the night..)
The hardest thing is to undress her. While striving to remove mum's sweatpants in the bathroom, I told her really quietly a couple of times to shut up because she was being so resistant and saying something I couldn't understand.
I know she barely heard my phrase "shut up" - and wouldn't remember it later, anyway - but I felt bad afterward, as in 99% of cases I am patient with her.
Should I feel guilty now? Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I used to go to my van, shut the door, then screamed out my frustration. But now, my mother's Alzheimer's is so advanced to where she can't understand much, so I feel free to mutter whatever I want in front of her in order to lower my blood pressure and prevent myself from blowing up.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Oh my gosh....Please be easy on yourself. No guilt to put on yourself - not even a little. You certainly do not deserve that.

I think you are doing so much - and so amazingly. Just be kind to yourself. Sending blessings for peace ~
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

All of these responses made me chuckle and this is exactly the reason I survived the hard days - it is exactly why I was able to survive year one and why I continue to stand up after I fall 3 years in - because I know I am not alone in the world of caregiving and elder care. I know other people really do get it. Wishing you all a great Sunday! 🦋
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am sorry you felt guilty after but Please - please forgive yourself💕

Gosh I remember the first times I beat myself up - I’m not sure how long it took for me to realize I was human (wether it was Mom or the day in general - that took me down or had me - not so quietly say shut up ) but once I accepted that she would have bad days and I would have bad days - I learned to forgive her and myself.

Be as kind to yourself as you are and would be to others - you would tell a friend not to feel guilty for not being perfect - forgive yourself as well 🦋

In a week I hope you laugh at the moment - the moments that I think “I will not survive this day” I often share with a friend later and cry laughing at the insanity of what a day in the life looks like - 🤦🏼‍♀️ Again it has taken me quite some time to laugh at the harder moments but it will come 😊
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

No don’t worry about losing your patience. Your mother needs 24/7 help. I’m guessing you don’t live with her? Is your father her caregiver? Does she have a caregiver that you oversee? This was what showed you mom needs much more help.
Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Tony11 Nov 2021
Thanks for the feedback. No, I don't - father and mother live together, and I stay with them on weekends. My parents and two older married brothers live in the same building. We don't have a caregiver yet - I've been trying to find one but no success so far.
(0)
Report
If the worst thing I've said to my Dad was "shut up" I'd consider myself a candidate for sainthood!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Momheal1 Nov 2021
Thank you! And me too!
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh, goodness!!

When I think of the things I have either thought or muttered ubder my breath when trying to deal with my mom, I blush. Also all the times I drove home, crying and pounding the steering wheel of my car out of the sheer frustration of trying to deal with her at times...

No, no guilt. Just a human trying to make it through a difficult time. Maybe it's time for some outside help?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

What you said was a gut reaction out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. Something everyone at one time or another has done.

However, it says something else, too. It screams that you’re burnt out, and that you recognize you crossed a line that you’re not comfortable with. Is a mother who says shut up to a screaming baby ok because the baby won’t remember it?

It’s a wake-up call on your part that you need help. It’s not uncommon for people to be fine, pushing along, getting things done, day after day totally not realizing that they’re slowly being pushed to the brink of exhaustion.

Is this you? If so, don’t wait. Don’t brush it off. Get some PSW help or some family help to take a bit of the burden off you. Maybe PSW’s can come in every morning? An hour a day could make a huge difference to your own mental health.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your feelings are your feelings. It doesn't matter what we think.

Perhaps try to keep in mind that the parent-child relationship has switched, and you are now the parent. Try to exhibit the same patience with your mother that you would with a child. Kids are trying, too, but did we tell our kids to shut up?

Years ago my mother told me about how queen Victoria was mortified to have to be watched by her ministers as she gave birth to her children. (It was to prevent a different infant from being switched with the royal heirs.) Supposedly Victoria's mother reminded her daughter that her duty to her country superceded her modesty by telling her to "close your eyes and think of England."

When you're frustrated with your mother, think of your duty to her, close your eyes, and think of England. :-)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

For me, "let's get you comfy first" (in my kindest, sweetest tones) = "WILL YOU STOP YABBERING ON AND PLEASE LET ME HEAR MYSELF THINK" which would of course get me fired on the spot.

The only possible problem with what happened with your mother would be if she was trying to tell you that she didn't want you to handle her. I assume there's no option anyway, but if you think that could be an issue then you should pause, step back, acknowledge her (apparent) feelings, and say "we really just need to get this done. Is that okay?"
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

LOL. No don’t feel guilty. She was obviously driving you crazy. We’re you in there with her or can she take care of herself? If you have to be with her, earplugs or earphone with music helps.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Why should you feel guilty? Did you cause physical harm to your mom?

My husband is extremely deaf. I say things under my breath ALL THE TIME!! Mostly venting to myself, but I have told him to shut up, to go away, to give me 5 minutes of peace. It makes me feel better, he can't hear me, so no harm no foul. If he did hear me, he wouldn't remember what I said 2 minutes later.

So get rid of the guilt for acting like a human
Hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Tony11 Nov 2021
Thanks. No, I didn't cause any harm any harm to mum. She is always so uncooperative with undressing ;( but I also know she's not aware of that..
(1)
Report
Tony
There is quiet a bit written on this forum about guilt. I think it’s pretty hard to train yourself not to feel guilt but maybe possible to use it as a sign that you are on the edge of what you are able to bear without adjustments being made.

Your mothers condition will continue to decline. Knowing that, it might be time to make adjustments in her care. Those adjustments can be as simple as doing some mindfulness exercises with yourself before arriving to her home or as extensive as hiring help to take that chore over or placing her in a facility for more care than you are able to provide. You know your situation best.

You sound like a great son to your parents.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter