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Don't feel guilty!..You are a great daughter.......You have useless brothers..so you can't count on them for any support. Let them go see your mom and wish her a Merry Christmas...your mom won't remember anyways ...enjoy your Christmas!
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Thank you. I really need to rethink my position. Staying home and with my hubby sounds like a vacation. Merry Christmas to you!
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I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. To answer your question about Christmas, do nothing. Get her a card and be done with it.

My question is where are your brothers and why aren’t they stepping up. You need them to help. Tell, don’t ask, them it is time for them to help. In a big way so you can step away from your mother and take care of your own health. Shame on your brothers for not being there. And if they don’t feel the shame they should, REMIND them.

And you, young lady, need to stop letting a bitter, vindictive woman and selfish, thoughtless brothers run your life. Chinese women are known to live very long lives and if you do not stand up and say “Enough!” She may outlive you… and that would make me very sad. You have given enough, you owe her nothing more, step away from the stress, please.
love and light
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Bless you for making me stronger in what I can and can’t do. Enough is enough!
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I do understand somewhat in what you're going through. I say have the peaceful, tranquil Christmas you deserve without the "guilt". You already know what's going to happen and how she will make you feel if you are around her. If you think you will have a "better" Christmas being around her, then so be it, but you know deep down inside the truth.
Nothing is going to change, so why put yourself through all that. Enjoy your day with your family, at peace. Call her if you need too.
You are not alone. I too "used" to go through a scenario similar, until I didn't. I choose NOT to allow my mother's toxic ways to be near my family. I choose NOT to let her dictate what time of day we should celebrate dinner, opening the presents etc. The day I decided enough was enough was the day I felt "Free".

Sure, it was different without her at first, but I still delivered her food, desert and a gift. She always left our home after she had eaten anyway. She stayed at the most 15 minutes. She never stayed long to enjoy any of us. I somehow felt "used" and tortured at the same time from all her demands for the Christmas dinner she was invited too.

I learned to embrace my Peace of Mind. Peace and Tranquility for my small family of 3. To this day because of her becoming even more Toxic she is not invited over to our home. She can't play nice, then she can be toxic somewhere else.

She hasn't been clinically diagnosed with dementia but her memory is slipping. It took me 2yrs to get her into a luxury Independent Living retirement home. She will move in 12-20-2021. I do continue to help her but I know when I need a "break" from her daily Toxic self.

It's unfortunate, I am an only child. I just want to be friends with her but, there is no pleasing a toxic, dictating, narcissus person. I love her for giving me life, but I love myself more to detach myself and family from. Time is short, she's 80 yrs old now. Some days I still see my mother, but it's not often. I miss my mother. I'm not sure who I am dealing with anymore, but it's not someone who loves and cares for me, yet I am still around.

Give yourself permission to Give yourself a much-needed Break. Enjoy yourself with your family. Learn how to "exit" from your phone calls, quickly with respect of course.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Angel from The Bay, CA

I was always a complete nervous wreck walking on eggshells hoping she wouldn't say anything that would embarrass me such as a derogatory remark towards my wife or son.
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Thank you. I feel so much better. I’ve gotten lots of great advice from this site. I love your advice.
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I know it must be overwhelming for you. But you only have one mom. Even if she is not the loving mother you longed for. Just think how she would feel if no one visited her. Just take her something good to eat and maybe she will eat instead of downing you. Please go see her. Merry Christmas to you and hopefully your new year will be better. You will be blessed.
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
I was thinking about seeing her on the 23 and not Christmas Day. I do t have to stay long. I will call her other kids on Messenger and she can see them too. Maybe even call her grandkids and let her see them as well. Only one grandchild visits. I’ll do my best.
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Reading many good replies, I'll add to just drop by for a short time only; be happy with her, wish her Merry Christmas, drop off a gift or pretty card, then go back to your own life. Short and sweet, then outtathere.
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You have been a blessing to her and done, and continue to do, a huge amount of work for her benefit. You do not owe her a Christmas visit and you neither need permission nor owe anyone any explanations. (I have not read all the responses but was shocked to read “she’s your mother; go visit her on Christmas.) Dear sweet daughter, no. Get away with your husband, stay home and relax, do anything that brings you a feeling of comfort and joy. You have ensured she is in a place where she gets the care she needs. That’s enough. And whether she was the perfect mother or the perfect opposite, your life is your life. You are entitled to a piece of it, yes? Yes, sweet daughter. Yes.
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
I was crying reading your response. Thank you for understanding me and giving me permission to feel ok about my decision.
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You have done an amazing job for your mother. You did what was right - not what was easy.

I understand when the crazy becomes too much. Had to stop seeing my mother every Christmas as it took too heavy a toll on my health.

But now that she is gone, wish I had found more ways to get past crazy and spend time.

Good luck to you.
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First, give yourself a huge hug! You have gotten a huge mess of your mom's life straightened out. It needed to be done and it IS done! Way to go!

Next, you need to see your mom as a woman with a serious illness that affects her mind. Her brain is broken and won't get better. In face, it will only get worse. Try to see her for a short time to visit. Try to see with eyes that see the brokenness and fear she experiences. She is trying to control a world that is increasingly scary and difficult to understand. Try finding compassion for the woman she is now and not the difficult woman she was in the past.
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You are awesome for taking care of so much during a pandemic. I think you can just give yourself a pass this Christmas. With Omicron cases rising, it’s understandable if you just need to stay home and do some well deserved self care. Don’t feel guilty. You have a right to be safe and take some time to be calm and reset for the new year. Stay home, play some calm meditation music and just work on recovering from all that you have been through.
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Personally speaking, you never had a good relationship; she blames you for everything; she has Alzheimers and is where she should be; you have taken care of her and still do and yet you get no thanks - nothing but abuse. First of all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - and if you are able to do and WANT to continue to take care of her, do so. BUT STAY AWAY FROM HER PRESENCE. Why on earth would you feel you have any obligation given the above to visit her. DO NOT GO. Get with friends or family who love you and have a nice day. She is where she belongs and her behavior all these years has brought her what she must now bear. Be at peace and merry Christmas.
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Please learn a lesson from all this. As you go through life, you will encounter people - family, friends, everyone - who has the wherewith all to cause difficult times and suffering for you. If you cannot stop them, for God's sake - get tough and walk away. It took me half a lifetime to realize that but then one day I did and it took a lot of guts. But it was the best thing I ever did. Never, ever stay with anyone who is not kind and loving. Take care of YOU first and walk away.
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Eaglet333: Keep it simple especially since it causes you so much anxiety and stress.
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What should you do for Christmas?

Stay home.

Epilepsy is NOT something to be messed with (speaking from personal experience). Time to step way back and focus on your own health.
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It is good you feel able to let it all out. We all need to do that sometimes for our own sanity - we also need to look after our health. I am having a little difficulty in working out how advanced your mother's dementia is, due to your comment on wanting to discuss stocks etc. If she has these and discusses them in a sensible manner her dementia is not as bad as if she doesn't have them and it is all made up. Personally on the assumption she does not have them and actually doesn't really know what is going on then I think you should take Christmas day at the bare minimum as a respite day for you. (Christmas Eve afternoon and Boxing day I would tag on giving you two and a half days to be with family or alone as you wish but a time to give some thought to yourself and your needs.) If she will miss you then move Christmas day with the family, see her in the morning of 25th and have 26th as your day taking 25thpm, 26th and 27th as your respite. She is safe and cared for and you need to look after you as well as trying to keep your mother in an impossible situation happy. Hopefully you will find yourself some peace over the holiday, you have many years to remember this, she may not remember tomorrow. xx
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Christmas is a time to be with loved ones with gratitude and peace. Celebrate it with your immediate family and pick another time to visit with your Mom.
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There is no law that says you have to visit your mother in Christmas. You are dealing with a moral obligation. The terms of your moral obligation are dependent on your upbringing. The way I look at is: Will seeing Mom on Christmas bring me greater peace in our relationship in the long run or will it make no difference if I stay home? Is your mom likely to harp on you if you don’t visit and how relentless will that harping be? If you feel obligated to visit, you don’t have to spend the whole day. You can stop in for about an hour and tell her you have some other plans.

My father gave me some advice when I was younger. I asked him why he went to Mass every Sunday with my mom when he really didn’t believe in God. He said he went because he loved my mom and to keep peace in a marriage. What was one hour a week to bring my mom happiness. They were married 60 years and In the end he found God.

I have a bigger question for you, though. Where are your brothers in the care of your mother? Why are you doing it all? If it is causing you this much emotional strain and harm, it is time they stepped up and helped you.I was in a similar boat and after much grief I eventually handed some of the responsibilities off to a different sibling.

I hope you are able to find peace and joy this season. Merry Christmas.
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I recently put my less than nice mom in a facility. They are doing activities and a bit of a party on Christmas, I'll pick her up on the 28th for a Dr appointment and keep her over night if she is nice, other wise it is back to the facility after dinner... Something small and quiet another day may be best for all.
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Send a showy present, perhaps a big flower bouquet with a nice note. A white lie might not hurt, you have been exposed to Covid and don't want to risk exposing her? You are doing plenty, and why, one might ask.
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You have a heavy load. I amso sorry for you. My sister is in a facility, and I take care of her finances, dealing with doctors etc. I have dealt with her negativity for the last 60+ years. She has never been completely happy and always jealous of her siblings. At age 76, she is still that way, even more so because she is in a facility. About a year ago I had to clean out her hoarder/garbage filled home. She continues to let me know how I ruined her life and complain about everything. She knows she messed up her life but will not take responsibility for it. She points out the negatives in everyone else. I have a wonderful husband who told me to stop answering the phone every time she calls. If it is an emergency, the employees in the facility will handle it and will leave a message. Once I started doing that, I felt that heavy feeling lift.

Give your mother a call on the 23 or the 24th. Let her know that you will NOT be able to call her on the 25th. That is YOUR time with your own family. There are days when you need to see her or take care of things for her, but you also need to take well-deserved breaks from your job as a caregiver and take care of your family and especially your own health.

Ask your brothers to step in. This is NOT just a daughter's responsibility. There are things they can do such as calling or stopping in for a visit. If something happens to you, they will have to take over what you are doing so they need to be familiar with things.

God Bless You.
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Let me just chime in…my dad towards the end of his life and decline was very much like your mom. The dementia made him into a bitter resentful man who told me he blamed me for his unhappiness as well as telling me he almost hated me…the last words he ever said before he died. Anyway, during the last Christmas on this earth I did see him briefly with my sister for about 15 minutes on Christmas Day. That was enough. He didn’t appreciate us being there at all. We wished we hadn’t gone. And actually the holiday meant nothing to him anyway…it was just another day. I know now we needn’t have bothered to go at all. I think we did it more from a sense of obligation. So while it’s hard not to feel that, realize that it probably is not meaningful to her either. I personally would not do it again.
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My husband and I do not have a so called family Christmas any more due to an incident that happened three years ago (I want go into that) but we do drive 5 hrs over give momma a gift and take her out to dinner. We spend Christmas together at home.
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If you already know what you want to do. Why asking the forum for permission? You're a legally competent adult. You need no advise.
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