I refuse to depend on anyone to take care of me.

I get it. It is a nerve wracking situation. And yes I think my parents had expectations that we needed to help them have the illusion of living ‘independently’ . I just want to scream about it.

You are not alone with any of the feelings you have described, if that makes you feel any better. i have them all.

I agree, my daughter will NEVER have to suffer what I am suffering dealing with my parents issues, I will make sure of that one way or the other.

".. go thru the stress of managing her care".

Is Mom living in her own home?

Can she independantly arrange the help she needs? Eg cleaning, groceries, meals, home maintenance, financial matters, personal care?

Or does Mom require you (or siblings) to arrange her care? If so she is living dependantly.

If her care management needs outweigh what family can do, explore if some kind of Care Manager can be employed to oversee things. To handle the weekly duties, staffing, cancellations, new providers. This is what I was told to try by a social worker. If this level does not exist, too hard to obtain or too expensive it may mean living at home is reaching the end.

Many are caught up in the 'Living at home' as the only accepted option. Add the 2nd part:
Living at home - as long as possible.

My mom, also an octogenarian, did everything ridiculously right (Mediterranean diet, no substance abuse, regular brisk walking, etc.), but things happen. Perhaps the one thing she did wrong was going for regular checkups. She ended up in an overtreatment situation that ultimately caused a good deal of impairment.

I do occasionally feel a bit of resentment towards my mom, but for old stuff, like being such a worrier that I missed out on a few adventures so as not to cause her to worry about me. But in retrospect, it was probably smart of her to make sure I survived to take care of her! (I'm joking; I don't regard her protectiveness as having been self-interested in this way.)

Good luck to you and your sibs. And for your sake and mine, I hope better options become available as we ourselves get on in age.

From what I can tell, you are mentioning / answers / making two separate statements:

* Are you saying that you need to take care of your mother and that you resent doing so?

* You don't want to 'help' her because she didn't take care of herself and she is how she is now - and it is up to her kids to deal with her?

* It sounds like you believe that taking care of one's health / lifestyle through exercise, eating right, etc., means that they / a person won't have health needs later on in life, such as dementia, or physical breakdown(s) / disease / disabilities?
(No, not true).

* You believe your mom is 'extremely selfish to live an unhealthy ... " as she did and you are frustrated being dumped on (needing to take care of her) - in other words, you are angry and do not want to deal with her / take care of her / or place her in a home where she can / will be taken care of ?

I am sure that some people may feel as you feel.

My question to you is how does it help you to know if others feel as you feel?
Do you want emotional support?
Relieve guilt you may feel?

It is lovely that you take care of yourself as you do. (I do too although I don't have any kids to take care of me as I age when I could use that family support).

It is wonderful that you have planned your financial future and that you will not be the burden (to your kids) that you feel your mother is to you/her adult children.

This is what, I presume, you feel good about - relieving your child/ren of any responsibility to care for you in your older years, when you will need more care. You won't have to burden your family as you will presumably be in a nursing home or development with various levels of care - so you can be there as you decline without any help from your adult child/ren.

While you are to be commended on taking care of yourself / your life-style (health and finances), it is important to realize that 'in the real world,' people do what then can, have life challenges, difficulties (financial and personally with self care (self-esteem, self-love) and do not do as you do / did.

I sense there are underlying issues/feelings that you are not expressing.
It is somewhat telling that you are interested to know if 'anyone else' feels like you? (why does this matter to you?)

Although I sense you are needing/wanting something else - validation ? appreciation (for your life-style) ? a way / place to vent frustration and anger towards your mother?

It is equally telling that you consider your mom's comment to YOU as snide.
This tells me that you are very frustrated and angry at her and the responsibilities placed on you - if you decide to take them on (you may not).
As well, you call it 'pick up the mess.'

If you feel that your mom is a mess - perhaps use some of your financial resources to place her in a home where she will be well cared for (or better cared for than you would/could do)r, relieving you of the responsibilities you feel she has dumped on you.

"Many" adult-children haven't had 'good,' 'healthy' relationships with their parent(s) - and so many feelings come out in the woodwork as those / that parent(s) ages and needs care.

Certainly it is not an easy situation to manage.

Best to do what you feel you can / want to and make provisions for her, as you can, so she is cared for by others who care. You have the resources to do this (for yourself, I know) so it is a matter of what you will / can do for her financially or get her into some care facility if she financially qualifies (not using your $). ... or you may take the stance "she made her bed and now lays in it" (or something like that).

Gena / Touch Matters

Get long term health care insurance!

"Now us children are having to go thru the stress of managing her care"

No, you don't have to. She's not too old to learn that actions have consequences. You should resign your PoA and not deal with her unless it's on your terms.

No, you aren't obligated to care for her, but there are plenty of people who work out, get physicals (twice yearly??), and obsess about their health who also end up getting sick, injured or needing care.

I think you'd be wiser to admit you aren't cut out to care for your mom (no shame there), rather than blame her for getting old in a manner not to your liking. You may very well end up in the same condition in spite of all the boxes you've checked in regard to your own health.

I agree, my mother is 98 and was a terrible mother in every respect. My brother and I placed her in AL, we do what we have to and nothing more.

My mother did not care for anyone but herself. The sense of entailment drives me nuts but it is very common for the "Silent Generation" 1926 to 1945.

That "it's your turn" is simply ridiculous.
It is YOUR TURN when you choose to have children and raise them until they are adults.
Then it is THEIR turn to raise their own.
Your mom needs an education in how things work.
Or in how they SHOULD work.

As to why they may "assume" care from their children? They used to give it to their parents, who did not live as long as current generations.

Your Mom is but one of her generation.
I am 81. I in no way expect or wish my children to take care of me, and they KNOW that and have always been told that.
Nor did my parents wish me to have to take care of them.

Your mother had you by HER choice, or by accident, which is no reason why you should be obligated to care for her in old age. Nor should you. Being a burden to our children is not something we should want or expect, and shame on those who do. And on mom for making such snide comments on purpose, just in case you weren't aware of her expectations 🙄

The 4 of you siblings should have a meeting to decide what senior living arrangements to set up for mom moving forward, so she can have autonomy and so you can avoid devoting your lives to her care and maintenance. Especially after a lifetime of indulgent living. The 4 of you can take turns bringing her what she needs and visiting her rather than being resentful caregivers. Things normally work out much better for all concerned that way. Just bc she has certain "expectations" doesn't mean you 4 have to meet them.

Best of luck to you.