THEN:
I used to laugh. I was able to see humour in everyday life. When others were unhappy, ungrateful, angry or mad; I was always able to bring some relief and bring a smile. My outlook on life was good. I was a happy person.
NOW:
That person is gone. I cry almost everyday and I cannot see any happiness in my future. I live under a mountain of stress, debt and hurt because of my narcissistic mother who has dementia. I had to take a line of credit to pay HER bills for her & for her couple of rental properties. I had to pay the house & car insurance & monthly bills which are included in tenant rent - .. hydro, insurance, heat, snow removal, yard care, etc. etc. I pay the bills... she gets the rents! She complains that she has no money to live on. I don't know if she really thinks that or it is just her 'regular' lies & manipulation that have gone into overdrive from the dementia.
I cannot access any funds to pay her bills because the doctor won't give a definite diagnosis as my mother (who has some clear & lucid times during the day) constantly threatens a lawsuit. A few weeks back: a health care worker came to her house for a test of her mental capacity - Mom failed miserably. It doesn't matter. In Ontario, Canada - a minimum of 2 tests need to be done and mom won't allow anyone else into her home. She knows what is happening but she doesn't. It makes no sense to me!
I don't think I will/can ever get back to happy. Where is happy? I am stressed out to the max. I tried to walk away- only to have my doctor (we have the same family doc) tell me to go back to my mother as she fell and needed me!!!
I miss being able to smile. I miss being able to see that my life might matter. I am so tired of the abuse. I feel hated, I feel terrible. I feel like giving up!! I don't think I will ever smile again.
I have her P.O.A.'s but I cannot enact them until the doc signs off _ so that is not going to happen.
Therefore, I cannot call anyone or act on her behalf because she does have (and should have … if she is in her right mind) the right to refuse.
Since, her neighbours now get her groceries for her and I had already arranged for her meds to be delivered: things "appear" as if I did the right thing. Yet, there are so many, serious underlying things that are bubbling under the surface.
I have tried to step back and not live there attending to her every whim: but things have gotten even worse.
She doesn't feed her cats if I am not there. I cannot even call animal care as they cannot enter or really do anything about my calls because there is no proof.
She seems unsure about when and what meds to take. So, the drugstore (with her permission) bubble packed her meds. When they delivered them: she gave the poor delivery guy hell! - because she felt that that it was dangerous to any small children that might be in the home (there are none!!!).
I get it! This is the nature of dementia. I am faced with is her constantly calling and degrading me and a lot of people call me : (people that she has spoken to) and God only knows what she has said about me - calling me and disgustedly asking why I am not taking better care of my mother, etc. etc.
It goes on and on.
I just want a little bit of happy back. I really don't think I will ever be allowed to be happy again. I suffer from numerous immune diseases and none of that matters. It is always all about her.
I am sorry to have went on and on. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Seek professional help so that you can separate yourself from your mother. That will leave ONE unhappy person, instead of TWO.
Remember, no one is doing this to you. You are allowing it to be done to yourself by staying in this situation and taking on responsibility that is not yours. If her doctor says she doesn't have dementia, then she DOESN'T. Leave. If she gets in trouble report her as a senior in need and let the State do wellness checks on her.
I don't know how old your mother is, but she may have decades of abuse left in her. You will need to decide if you wish to remain her abusee.
And please, please, don't be taking out any loans to be paying moms bills. If she doesn't have the money, oh well, then she will just have suffer the consequences. All you're doing by continuing to pay with your money(or the banks)is enabling her. This has got to stop. No wonder you're under so much stress. Give up the damn POA, as the stress it's causing you, certainly isn't worth it. When the time comes. and it will, the state can take over her care. You deserve so.....much better!!! Please quit allowing your mom to abuse you, and start finding the joy in your life again.
We never know what detours we will be taking in our lives. So many things are unexpected and will throw us off guard.
It is difficult to be happy in life during struggles. Sometimes, it’s downright impossible to be content.
I hope you will somehow find peace and that your situation improves as soon as it can.
The only reason she even paid it all back was because she stopped driving and had no car to run to the casino. Let your mom make her own bad choices. Don’t let her drag you down.
courage!!
i understand.
in addition, with time, things will get worse.
i hope many people on the forum have good advice!!
i hope you can hire homcare, so you do less.
you must get your happy self back.
your happy self wants you back!!
I have no idea what kind of social services you have in CA, but I would start with that health worker who did the testing. There must be an agency she is associated with. Ask them what the "state" can do, as you cannot physically or financially care for her and yourself. IF you have a medical emergency, who is going to tend to her, the bills and her cats?
As for those others that she lies to and then they call to disparage you, the mitts need to come off. You can tell them that you are paying all her bills with YOUR money and doing your best to keep her afloat while you are drowning. Be rude if you have to. Tell them not to call you again unless they are calling to make donations to pay her bills or take over her care. Put up or shut up.
While I understand sometimes there needs to be protections for elders, so others don't step in, take over and rip them off, enough is enough! I think it was ExhaustedPiper who mentioned in FL the courts have to deem someone incompetent before POAs can be implemented. We had POAs in place many years before they were needed. I had NO doctor notes, no test results, nothing. I just used the POAs and no one questioned anything. Could I have taken advantage of her? Sure, but that's not me! All too often it is others, even other family members who do the nasty deeds. Once in a while it is the "trusted" POA, but putting up too many walls can be just as detrimental as not enough.
Take that doctor to town. Lay it all out and DON'T mince words. If she's threatened him with lawsuits, then he's a coward. It isn't likely she'd win anything, not with dementia. SHOW him the results of that other test. Tell him all that's going on, bluntly. IF he still won't budge, can the courts intervene? It would cost some money to hire an atty, but in the long run if you can stop all this, it would cost less!
One other thought - if none of these properties or bills have your name on them, as joint ownership or responsibility, stop paying them. If she is really getting her rental payments, she should be floating in money, while you are floundering. If your name isn't on anything, they can't require you to pay it. If they are like here in the US, collections can try, but you refuse REFUSE REFUSE to the end of time. NOT MY BILLS.
The only ones I feel sorry for are the cats. Do make sure they get fed (and checkups if she isn't doing that.) If they are indoor only, they need regular food, water, and litter cleaning. Indoor cats are reliant on us to care for them. If they go out, vet visits are even more important as they will need to be kept up to date on vaccinations. Poor kitties. =^..^=
GET ON THAT DOC'S BEHIND!!!
The poster has the same doctor as her mother. I'd definitely not keep him as my doctor.
Nothing ever gets done for some elder with dementia until something bad happens. It's always like that. Doctors and social services don't want to hear it from family who try to tell them all the time. They usually think it's just one more disgruntled adult child who resents having to help out a little bit here and there. So they ignore it and do nothing for it. That's how it is everywhere.
Start recording all of your 'out of pocket' expenses for her upkeep to ensure you are not financially exploited - a monthly statement may help.
Find another doctor who is less intimidated by unjustifiable threats - you already have one authority so he could not be sued regardless.
You still believe you are 'the child' in this arrangement. Although there can be a sense of duality at times, you need to be the one in charge and make it clear how things shall be (at least if you are to carry on in this caring role).
Her mother will not reimburse any money that was paid out of her own pocket for bills or anything else. That won't happen unless it's court ordered and maybe not even then.
She needs to stop paying altogether. No more bills for mom, or her care, or anything else because she will never see that money again.
Occasionally I cry for a moment to relieve some pressure in my head, but not several times a week like I used to. Your mom didn't deserve her dementia but NEITHER DO YOU. You did not cause her illness and you have no power to fix it.
I had to step back and allow my mom to show her mental illness in public so the police could take notice. Then a doctor took notice and she was finally diagnosed and he told her she couldn't live without 24/7 care. Now she is in assisted living...mostly angry and crying and blaming me, but that's no big change. She was miserable at home too. Grouching makes her feel better anyway. It's like when you hear a baby wailing at the store...don't feel too overly bad for him, he's making himself feel much better.
It was less difficult to get mom into assisted living from the hospital than it would have been to get her there from her home.
Early on, my sister and I consulted with a local lawyer. It was worth his fees. $250 each visit or phone consult. He has kept records of our attempts to get real help for mom. He helped me set up durable POA. A lawyer could tell you what to do with your mom's bills, and will probably advise you to let that be HER debt. Until a doctor declares her incapacitated, she's still an adult human who is responsible for her own actions.
By the way, my mom still has "capacity" even though she acts like a cuckoo bird. Our freedom to choose our paths is protected right down to the ground, even if we are laying on it.
You will get better at letting things go.
You will smile again.
You will feel like laughing again.
You will enjoy life again.
Get your own doctor.
In the meantime, get hold of an elder care attorney & find out how to go about releasing yourself from this nightmare you're living in right now, you poor soul. I'm so sorry for your situation, I truly am. I have a narcissistic mother myself who's 94 and living in a Memory Care Assisted Living place b/c I REFUSE to take her into live with me and nowadays she won't speak to me, which is fine. She's very well cared for where she's at, and she'll be miserable no matter WHERE she lives, so what's the difference? The key with narcs is to get them set up where they can be cared for by OTHERS and where you can manage their lives FOR them from another place. Otherwise, there's TWO lives that are miserable and it will be OUR lives that wind up worse than theirs and we'll be dead before them b/c they live to be 100.
There is a narc mother thread here on Aging Care that you need to check out; here's a link:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent&page=1
It's a really great place to read/vent/chat and just know that you're NOT alone dealing with such a mother; many of us are in a similar boat.
Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from this situation.
Hug and best wishes to you.
I truly hope this helps you in some way.
I am dealing with all those sad feelings now because my Dad will not agree to do anything except stay here at my home with me! I can’t work, i have no life because he needs constant care! He’s 96 yrs old. So i share in your lack of happiness. I do NOTHING for myself! God bless you with all you have to handle. My heart goes out to you!!! Truly!!!
Marsha DeVaughn
I hope all the people like us can get just something small to give us joy for once.
Stop paying your mom's bills. Never again.
Stop fighting the fight. Back away and let the chips fall where they may.
Do things for yourself. You WILL smile again. As soon as you start living your life!
May I make a suggestion: stop. If she is lucid, she can care for herself. If she isn't lucid, it will soon become apparent to others. Make sure she has food and her medications - and then step back, Sometimes we cover the bases so well that others can not see how much help is needed. Let the authorities see the truth.
May I make another suggestion: focus on yourself. You are obviously suffering. It is like drowning and trying to save somebody else that is drowning - you both go down. Get yourself into a better place - get rid of mom's debts (they are hers, not yours), work if need be to get more income for yourself, take some time with a counsellor to unravel the sadness and get back to a happier place... Only when you are no longer drowning can you even think of saving another drowning person, your mom.
You have many people here on the forum in same boat
Hugs 🤗
I agree with much of what was previously been posted. I also don't know about Canadian laws. Your doctor had no business telling you to care for your mother. Your mother has no business expecting you to take care of her bills.
Except for the poor defenseless cats, you need to get out of this situation. Contact whatever agency handles social services in your area. Report that your mother is unsafe and that you are incapable of caring for her any longer. You need to take care of yourself at this point. I don't know how hard it is to change doctors in Canada, but get a new one.
I'm so sorry for the problems with your mother. Take time off and find something to smile about. Please Please PLEASE take care of yourself. I pray that you can find peace and joy.
Stop doing for her. Leave her to her own devices. You've already tried speaking to her doctor and to the Canadian social services. These people are paid to ensure that elderly people are being cared for and living safely. They aren't doing their job and you don't have tp do it for them.
I'm going to guess that your mother's abusive behavior towards you did not just start when symptoms of dementia began. It's probably been going on your entire life. The dementia only changes the style of the abuse. The abuser's skills get dulled by dementia. They aren't so good at hiding their abuse from others anymore. They lose the ability to use subtle types of abuse like covert gaslighting and sabotage on their victim. They are still abusers though.
Get away from her. If you are in a position to be able to get your own place then do it and do it quickly.
It breaks my heart to hear about situations like yours. My mother ruined my life. It took decades of abuse since I was a little kid to achieve her goal. I'm still learning how to overcome it but it's not so simple as taking a pill or talking about it a few times.
I wouldn't wish my situation on my worst enemy and yours sounds very much like mine. If you can get away from her, do it. Don't torment yourself with a moment of guilt about it either because you have nothing to feel guilty about. Please get away from her.
:)
sending you both lots of hugs!!
it's really hard with abusive mothers.
and it won't stop.
1 problem, is they're often nice, mean, nice, mean, nice...
so you think (during the nice period), maybe indeed they'll stay nice.
they won't.
the mean part will always return.
today i decided to share a bit with X, some things happening in my life. bad idea. X decided to make me feel worse.
i must remember:
X wants to sabotage me, wants to destroy my life, wants me to be as miserable as possible.
in my case, i can't get away from X.
the only way for me to be in contact with Y, is to be in contact with X, too.
i must make some change.
there must be some strategy i haven't thought of.
wishing us all well!!
be careful of narcs: indeed, they want to destroy us.
live your life! be happy, have fun, live!
we have 1 life.
we're young only once.
people who love you, would want you to live your life!
why else were you born?
yes help others, but help yourself, too.
hug!! :)
bundle of joy :)
It sounds like you are living with your Mom so it is time to put some distance between the two of you. Is it possible to you to get your own place.... doesn't have to be big.... a studio will do. Once you have your living space you will be paying your bills so you can immediately stop paying Mom's bills. Your can't remake people (sounds like she's been this way all her life) and you can't save those that don't know that they need to be save. I am sorry about the cats - unless you can somehow sneak them out of the house you may have to commend them to the good Lord --- or anonymously call a good cat rescue.
You have to think of yourself first. If something happens to you Mom is dead in the water without even an advocate...... as are the cats. At this point..... you come first. Oh and get yourself a good and compassionate doctor, who will recommend counseling if you need it.
Hugs and good wishes to you.
Again, Canada and the US are different but sooner or later someone will poke their nose in her living situation to check on the lights, or the water, or the gas and the appropriate authorities will get involved and take appropriate action.
It's terribly sad that developed countries rely so heavily on children/spouses for these complex situations. Especially as birthrates say this situation is already at a crisis level problem.
Get yourself a new doctor and seek mental health counseling.
"...there are so many, serious underlying things that are bubbling under the surface..." Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Resign in writing as her POA and let Ontario take over. You may love your mother but, clearly, she cannot love you back - dementia, narcissist - and you are allowing yourself to be abused.
start with 2 hours a day for light housework and meal prep. hire a pet sitter to feed the cats once a day. Sounds like she has the means to do so ....you can watch over the financial from your home and you are a good daughter for all you do and have done try to remember that.
Take a Giant Step Back, away from it all.
Only drop in every few days to fill up the cats bowl.
Don't answer any calls from any of them.
Let everyone text or leave a message then you chose to listen or read the message.
Learn to Let Go
It's your mom's life, take yourself out of the equation.
You need a break away from it all, Take It before you are a total wreck.
You need Me Time
From now on, only do what makes you happy.
Prayers