THEN:
I used to laugh. I was able to see humour in everyday life. When others were unhappy, ungrateful, angry or mad; I was always able to bring some relief and bring a smile. My outlook on life was good. I was a happy person.
NOW:
That person is gone. I cry almost everyday and I cannot see any happiness in my future. I live under a mountain of stress, debt and hurt because of my narcissistic mother who has dementia. I had to take a line of credit to pay HER bills for her & for her couple of rental properties. I had to pay the house & car insurance & monthly bills which are included in tenant rent - .. hydro, insurance, heat, snow removal, yard care, etc. etc. I pay the bills... she gets the rents! She complains that she has no money to live on. I don't know if she really thinks that or it is just her 'regular' lies & manipulation that have gone into overdrive from the dementia.
I cannot access any funds to pay her bills because the doctor won't give a definite diagnosis as my mother (who has some clear & lucid times during the day) constantly threatens a lawsuit. A few weeks back: a health care worker came to her house for a test of her mental capacity - Mom failed miserably. It doesn't matter. In Ontario, Canada - a minimum of 2 tests need to be done and mom won't allow anyone else into her home. She knows what is happening but she doesn't. It makes no sense to me!
I don't think I will/can ever get back to happy. Where is happy? I am stressed out to the max. I tried to walk away- only to have my doctor (we have the same family doc) tell me to go back to my mother as she fell and needed me!!!
I miss being able to smile. I miss being able to see that my life might matter. I am so tired of the abuse. I feel hated, I feel terrible. I feel like giving up!! I don't think I will ever smile again.
I have her P.O.A.'s but I cannot enact them until the doc signs off _ so that is not going to happen.
Therefore, I cannot call anyone or act on her behalf because she does have (and should have … if she is in her right mind) the right to refuse.
Since, her neighbours now get her groceries for her and I had already arranged for her meds to be delivered: things "appear" as if I did the right thing. Yet, there are so many, serious underlying things that are bubbling under the surface.
I have tried to step back and not live there attending to her every whim: but things have gotten even worse.
She doesn't feed her cats if I am not there. I cannot even call animal care as they cannot enter or really do anything about my calls because there is no proof.
She seems unsure about when and what meds to take. So, the drugstore (with her permission) bubble packed her meds. When they delivered them: she gave the poor delivery guy hell! - because she felt that that it was dangerous to any small children that might be in the home (there are none!!!).
I get it! This is the nature of dementia. I am faced with is her constantly calling and degrading me and a lot of people call me : (people that she has spoken to) and God only knows what she has said about me - calling me and disgustedly asking why I am not taking better care of my mother, etc. etc.
It goes on and on.
I just want a little bit of happy back. I really don't think I will ever be allowed to be happy again. I suffer from numerous immune diseases and none of that matters. It is always all about her.
I am sorry to have went on and on. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have no idea what kind of social services you have in CA, but I would start with that health worker who did the testing. There must be an agency she is associated with. Ask them what the "state" can do, as you cannot physically or financially care for her and yourself. IF you have a medical emergency, who is going to tend to her, the bills and her cats?
As for those others that she lies to and then they call to disparage you, the mitts need to come off. You can tell them that you are paying all her bills with YOUR money and doing your best to keep her afloat while you are drowning. Be rude if you have to. Tell them not to call you again unless they are calling to make donations to pay her bills or take over her care. Put up or shut up.
While I understand sometimes there needs to be protections for elders, so others don't step in, take over and rip them off, enough is enough! I think it was ExhaustedPiper who mentioned in FL the courts have to deem someone incompetent before POAs can be implemented. We had POAs in place many years before they were needed. I had NO doctor notes, no test results, nothing. I just used the POAs and no one questioned anything. Could I have taken advantage of her? Sure, but that's not me! All too often it is others, even other family members who do the nasty deeds. Once in a while it is the "trusted" POA, but putting up too many walls can be just as detrimental as not enough.
Take that doctor to town. Lay it all out and DON'T mince words. If she's threatened him with lawsuits, then he's a coward. It isn't likely she'd win anything, not with dementia. SHOW him the results of that other test. Tell him all that's going on, bluntly. IF he still won't budge, can the courts intervene? It would cost some money to hire an atty, but in the long run if you can stop all this, it would cost less!
One other thought - if none of these properties or bills have your name on them, as joint ownership or responsibility, stop paying them. If she is really getting her rental payments, she should be floating in money, while you are floundering. If your name isn't on anything, they can't require you to pay it. If they are like here in the US, collections can try, but you refuse REFUSE REFUSE to the end of time. NOT MY BILLS.
The only ones I feel sorry for are the cats. Do make sure they get fed (and checkups if she isn't doing that.) If they are indoor only, they need regular food, water, and litter cleaning. Indoor cats are reliant on us to care for them. If they go out, vet visits are even more important as they will need to be kept up to date on vaccinations. Poor kitties. =^..^=
GET ON THAT DOC'S BEHIND!!!
The poster has the same doctor as her mother. I'd definitely not keep him as my doctor.
Nothing ever gets done for some elder with dementia until something bad happens. It's always like that. Doctors and social services don't want to hear it from family who try to tell them all the time. They usually think it's just one more disgruntled adult child who resents having to help out a little bit here and there. So they ignore it and do nothing for it. That's how it is everywhere.
courage!!
i understand.
in addition, with time, things will get worse.
i hope many people on the forum have good advice!!
i hope you can hire homcare, so you do less.
you must get your happy self back.
your happy self wants you back!!
The only reason she even paid it all back was because she stopped driving and had no car to run to the casino. Let your mom make her own bad choices. Don’t let her drag you down.
We never know what detours we will be taking in our lives. So many things are unexpected and will throw us off guard.
It is difficult to be happy in life during struggles. Sometimes, it’s downright impossible to be content.
I hope you will somehow find peace and that your situation improves as soon as it can.
And please, please, don't be taking out any loans to be paying moms bills. If she doesn't have the money, oh well, then she will just have suffer the consequences. All you're doing by continuing to pay with your money(or the banks)is enabling her. This has got to stop. No wonder you're under so much stress. Give up the damn POA, as the stress it's causing you, certainly isn't worth it. When the time comes. and it will, the state can take over her care. You deserve so.....much better!!! Please quit allowing your mom to abuse you, and start finding the joy in your life again.
Seek professional help so that you can separate yourself from your mother. That will leave ONE unhappy person, instead of TWO.
Remember, no one is doing this to you. You are allowing it to be done to yourself by staying in this situation and taking on responsibility that is not yours. If her doctor says she doesn't have dementia, then she DOESN'T. Leave. If she gets in trouble report her as a senior in need and let the State do wellness checks on her.
I don't know how old your mother is, but she may have decades of abuse left in her. You will need to decide if you wish to remain her abusee.