My mom has been in AL less than 2 weeks. I can hardly take her anxiety levels anymore. I’ve put my life on hold to be her caretaker, ever since dad declined and was hospitalized in 2020. Actually I was caretaker for both, although he died in LTC after 10 months hospice. She’s been riddled with anxiety and mental problems ALL my life. After dad died I heavily tweaked her world to care and keep her healthy and entertained while living at home. She’s been thoroughly evaluated medically and she’s not physically handicapped and scores high cognitively. She is manipulative and emotionally draining. At the start of July she began dialing 911 all the time. She didn’t want whoever stayed with her to sleep or to leave (she dials 911 immediately when you leave). She loudly howls “help me!” in the middle of night and wakes you up, then says she doesn’t know what’s wrong. After 2 hospitalizations and 2 different rehabs within the last 4 months she’s now in AL and the nursing director is not sure they can meet her demands. She said, “Your mom knows how to play the victim and I’ve had to tell staff to set boundaries.” She wants to be pushed everywhere in a wheelchair even though she walks just fine, she says she can’t.
Anyway, today PT called me to say they met mom and their recommendation is that I should be more "supportive" of her because my distancing is giving her anxiety. lol I’ve been supportive ALL MY LIFE. I listened and thought, “How do I start to explain ALL I’ve done to be supportive of her? What about me?” and I kind of felt like I couldn’t breathe when they said that. Has anyone else been told such a thing by “professionals”? I mean, I’ve gotten that type of disregard from a tiny handful of friends & family over the years who just want to stay in their fairytales about what this kind of caregiving takes out of you. I just want to hear how you got over advice like that from the “medical world”.
The Fragile Narc was that extra layer on top.
Narcisstic: always all about them.
Fragile: very limited self-soothing skills.
Prone to emotional upsets of grandious scales. Lack of resilience I suppose it could be called.
Needed some good hard chats when younger. Now stop that. Settle yourself, chin up, march on! (When they really can't, roll into a ball for a bit then try again) Taking responsibility for their own feelings seems to be the underlying thing. Not just spew it outwards & expect the world to swallow it for them.
As the middle child in a family of 7 siblings her nickname was Whiner. About her, the siblings would sing, “grumbling on a Monday, grumbling on a Tuesday, grumbling the whole week through”.
At 10 yo she prayed that she’d stop whining and felt her prayers were answered when her Mother remarked that she thought she’d heard fewer complaints from my mom that week. My dads younger sister went to HS with her and told me she knew something was wrong at 14 yo because my mom was so self-absorbed with her “feelings”. She was an A+ student and literally freaked out if everything she did was not perfect. She was beautiful and very musically talented. So my dad married her - despite some big cautions from his family and from her oldest brother. I really think she needed more help than prayer. She was too afraid of taking risks for fear she would not have perfect results. Every one of her siblings except one had mild to severe mental illness the worst being bipolar+schizophrenia. The mildest being highly anxious.
So probably why I’m anxious, too. Lol
My mom is controlling and bossy and I just want to get away from her as soon as possible!
I want to wear off-the-shoulder and strapless dresses, drink a LITTLE alcohol and learn how to drive
Luckily my mom changed her mind about the dresses but the other stuff might take a while to convince her
Send the PT to talk to the Exec Director.
Have your mother seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for meds, and possibly a psychiatric hospitalization for a full work up of her outlandish behavior.
Has she had a full neuro-cognitive workup (as in 3-4 hours of paper and pencil testing by a geriatric neuropsychologist)? Not a 10 minutes SLUMS or similar dementia screening?
I think you might also benefit from finding yourself a good therapist who can be a support to you during this trying time.
(((((Hugs))))) and welcome!
Why did they DARE to give you advice in this area?
They have NO IDEA what you have been through, and need to stay in their lane. A PT gets to advise you on gross motor movement, and other things in their areas of expertise. THAT’S it.
Throw their advice into the trash, where it belongs.
It's interesting the nursing director is onto your mother's shenanigans, yet the PT called to shame you about not being supportive enough of her? I would have had a serious Come to Jesus meeting on the spot with that PT who obviously has no experience with manipulative elders! Ugh, ridiculous.
Then I'd have a Come To Jesus meeting with mom and tell her she's THIS-CLOSE to getting kicked out of AL. Which means it's off to Skilled Nursing next and that scene will be way less comfy for her than the current set up. So cut the crap NOW mom or you'll tie my hands to the point I'll be unable to rescue you this time. It's time to pull on your big girl pants and play by the rules now. Walk on your own, stop calling 911 or get your phone removed and then off to the hospital you go for a psych evaluation. Because anyone in her right mind DOES NOT EVER DIAL 911 unless there is a real emergency, and that includes YOU mom. If you continue painting a picture of me being The Devil, then I'll also have to stop coming by to visit and help you. Your choice how this plays out.
Forget about getting over the PTs advice, and focus on what the next move will be for mom if she doesn't cool it and fly right.
Call her PCP also to make him aware of this outrageous behavior and get his advice. Are meds called for? A psych evaluation he can order for her? A session with a geriatric psychiatrist? Mental illness is obviously at play here, so the question is how to dx it and then treat it.
For your sake, keep notes of all the ridiculous behavior so if/when the time comes, you'll have a journal of how she's gone downhill which could help the doctors with a diagnosis. Your mother is in managed care, so you don't have to anything for her at the moment. Look after yourself is my suggestion, and take a breather from all the histrionics she's caused for so long. I had a mother like this and was dealing with her from 2011 - 2022, but she DID have dementia. As an only child, my parents whole lives were in my hands and it was A LOT even though they were in AL. I get it.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for a solid plan of action and very strong boundaries to deal with a VERY difficult mother. Tough love is best way to go, in my experience. If you give these women an inch, they'll take 5 MILES! Then your health is in the toilet while she's playing the innocent "What Me?" card. 🙄
If I had $1 for every time I was blamed (totally, or in part) for upsetting mother, I could pay off my car!
Mom played the victim all my growing up years. I remember my grandma chastising us kids for 'not helping your poor mother'---and I was about 6 at the time. 6. What the heck was I supposed to DO?
Mom blamed us kids for every.single.thing that went wrong in her life. She threatened suicide to get us to ''stay in line'. 4 of of my sibs just basically ignored her, but I took it to heart and lived in fear that she would indeed do this and it would be all my fault.
Her mental illness was never addressed. She had profound and untreated depression and anxiety. I understand that now. But as a child--the fear, unrelenting, that my mom would kill herself would have me waking up in cold sweats all my life until I married and left home and 'grew up'.
Her Dr never told us to 'help out' more, or whatever, but I remember sitting in on a visit she had with him and she was just crying and crying b/c we kids were 'driving her insane'. I sat there like a dummy. The Dr just gave her more Valium and whatever else she wanted and told me to try to understand how hard her life was. WTH? He knew she was 'untreatable' as it were and knew she wasn't totally honest with him, but this was the late 60's and it was what it was..
As she aged and we all left home, she began to be 'better'. Basically she should never have had children and she had 6.
She passed away 2 months aago at the age of 92. We were on OK terms, but I have struggled a lot with depression b/c I feel like she died before we could come to a meeting of the minds, as it were.
Most Drs try to get a read on the 'home situation', and as they do, they become better drs. Some don't have that quality.
You can't MAKE somebody understand your situation. Just say "well, you don't live with me or her and I am doing my best." Then let it go.
She probably needs a psych eval and appropriate meds for her anxiety. Mom never txed hers and was so proud of that.
All 6 of us kids were/are on antidepressants. Go figure. 4 of us have been in therapy.
In my opinion, our fathers never told these women to sit down and shut up, thereby breaking them of the hideous behavior which just went on and on and ON. Sad, too, very sad, having to parent THEM since we were children, then watching them Play Victim as old women. I never was able to tolerate anyone telling me how Wondddderrrful my mother was. I saw a totally different JoAnn than the rest of the world. 🙄
To the Physio who told you to "be more supportive". Just nod & smile. This person does not get the depth of your situation.
I want to change their suggestion to 'more support - for YOU'.
Put your own oxygen on first is always the emergency plan right?
You are NOT responsible for your Mother's anxiety. You didn't cause it. You cannot fix it. It is not up to you to smooth her every mood.
You are only responsible for your own mental health. Putting in boundaries, lowering contact that is harmful to you IS looking after yourself & needed. Self-care.
What you can do for Mother is point out to her medical team that she is not coping.
A good Physio will be holistic - taking in the wider view. Referring their patient to other supports as needed.
Calling 911 when someone leaves the room & 'help me' in the night is communication : probably fear.
Many posters have found that behind the anxiety/fear/behaviour changes were medical issues not yet diagnosed. Small strokes & heart issues being the usual suspects.
Have you got any good support for yourself in place already? Other family, friends, councillor? Hopefully we can help too ☺️
My husband is super supportive! I could Not do this without him. Also I have some friends we meet up once a week and I look forward to that immensely.