My mother thinks I should uproot my life and move to her town. I work for a school district and her response was they have schools here. I also have 2 big dogs that I don’t want near her in fear of an accident (they don’t know how big they are). It doesn’t make financial sense for me to do this with the housing market like it is in our area. I feel like a horrible daughter but I don’t want to move. I’ve been on my own for two years since losing my spouse and am already stressed and depressed. Please help me navigate a response to her. Thank you.
I agree that you should NOT uproot your life and move, however your Mom, who is not working, can move to where you are,
We only get one chance to live this life and what we do with it does matter. Some choices are harder then others. When it came to my parents and caring for them and fighting for them, I did so at a great cost, but I felt in my heart I had no other choice. I did it because it was in my heart to do so. I felt it was the right thing and the compassionate thing to do. I too am alone and a woman. However, I found the strength and I found the courage and I found a way.
1) A live-in companion/caregiver moving into her home so she can remain there.
2)Moving to assisted living where she is if she wants to remain in that area.
3) Move to your area to be closer to you. In an assisted living facility. Not in with you.
Tell her these are her choices and if she refuses them all, she's on her own. Arrange for the cops to do a wellness check on her once a week.
A person on this forum (I can't remember the name, more's the pity) made a terrific statement that a person's children aren't their old age insurance policies. No truer words have ever been said.
Speak to your mother. If she's not on board with any options that do not include you moving into her home and becoming a slave, then she's on her own.
I have a few suggestions on what to say to your mom. Hope one of them works for you.
"Mom, only minor children live with parents. I'm too old to be living with my mommy again. I have to have my own castle and be the queen of it."
"Mom, moving and uprooting my life is out of the question. No, I won't discuss it. Period."
"Yes, mom, I love you, but that doesn't mean I love LIVING with you (or anyone for that matter). I prefer being on my own."
"I know a few people whose adult children move back to live with them. The children are now living like rebellious teenagers. The parents have to cook for them and pick up after them. You don't want me to move back and do that to you, do you mom?"
"Sorry mom, I like living on my own. I don't want to live under anyone's roof or rules."
"Seriously mom, you think you like me living with you now, but trust me, you won't like me and my many bad habits."
"Mom, I like to be in control. Once I move in, you are going to hate me for trying to control your life."
one, mom or not, needs to tell you what to do! Take care of yourself first …then you can be at a place where you can take care of her, doesn’t have to be hands on……bless you!!
"Hey Mom, you're right -- they have schools where you are. We also have old people here, so how about you move closer to me instead?"
Sometimes coming right back at them on equal terms wakes people up. ;-)
It sounds like your mom is still on her toes, so what kind of assistance does she realistically need? Housekeeper? Meals? Rides? Advocate? Can you come back and let us know?
Assisting an aging parent should NEVER mean having to completely forsake your own life, so please ignore the ignorance being spewed about doing just that. You deserve to do what is best for you while helping her with what she needs.
Remember that your helping doesn't mean that you are the one scrubbing the toilet or preparing the meals, it can mean getting services in place to ensure it's getting done. There is always more then one solution to a problem, clarify the true needs and move forward with them, not moms guilt tripping and wants.
totally agree.
1. She hire caregivers to come to her house and do what needs to be done for her.
(If she is on Hospice she would have a Nurse weekly, a CNA at least 2 times a week and the ability to ask for a Volunteer that could do some things for her.)
2. She move to an Assisted Living facility close to you (or at the very least a Senior apartment that is close)
She really could not move in with you unless you have an in-law suite she could use. With 2 large dogs that do not know they are large and her with osteoporosis it would be dangerous for her to live "with" you. (this does not even get into the fact that, if you read so many of the posts and comments, moving a parent in can be an ingredient for disaster.)
You need your space, you are still in a vulnerable, grieving space.
AND...You also probably come in contact with many people during your job and with her being immune compromised it is probably not a good idea that she live with you. (at least this is another reason that you can give her)
There is no easy way other than to say, "I understand you want me closer, but my home is here, not there. We can look for a place close to me or I can help you find people to help you. I love you, and you raised me to be happy and I am happy where I am, but if you lived close to me, we can see each other more."
Don't give logical reasons, give emotional reasons.
My mother has dementia but has always been demanding of my time and attention. While stating that neither she, nor anyone else, should be expected to provide daily care of an elder, my husband’s young death was her “Golden Girls” dream come true. Until I ruined it by remarrying and having children. We were neighbours... I managed her affairs, cleaned, shopped, cooked... but it was never enough and she became very bitter and combative that I would not leave my family and move into her house.
Because you’d like help navigating a response, I suspect you’re dealing with someone who does not take no for an answer. Please be careful not to provide ammunition. You are not a horrible daughter. Your dogs are not the excuse. Your life is where you are and you do not wish to move. YOUR circumstances do not warrant a move.
I have daughters. They’re just teens but I cannot imagine asking them to give up their lives to serve me. Perhaps one day my own dementia will lead me to make selfish demands. I have advised them not to cave as I won’t be speaking from my right mind.
My mother’s increasing demands snuck up on me. Now that she is in a care facility I am better able to see things as they were and how unreasonable she had become. Incidentally, now she is happy with my weekly visits. In fact she says she’s thrilled that I visit that often. (trying to recall how often we visited my grandparents - same distance - maybe every 4-8 weeks) I was on the verge of a breakdown when she moved into the facility. I hated to have to chose between keeping her safe and making her happy. But making her happy would have entirely consumed me.
Your mother will not like whether you refuse to move for financial, canine or personal preference reasons. And what YOU want is perfectly legitimate. You are just as entitled to keep the life you’ve made for yourself as anyone else. “I’m happy to help you move there or here to address your concerns, but I will not be relocating. Let’s list your wants and needs to see how we can make things better for you.”
I can't really provide specific suggestions, since I am not sure of the specifics.
But my recommendation is NOT to move. Best wishes.
hug! :)
you wrote:
"Could you possibly be resisting the relocation in an effort to hold on to the memories of a life you've lost?"
i don't think that's the case at all for OP.
i think simply, just as many people on the website warn:
be careful of moving in with your elderly parent/s (no matter how sweet they are).
without realizing it (starting with helping maybe only 2 hours/day, it'll increase to hours and hours; millions of things) --- often, destroying your life.
it's not just the TIME.
it's the TOTAL STRESS (stress from dealing with emergency after emergency after emergency).
you're in a constant state of worry.
you'll sleep badly.
you'll probably take less and less care of your own health, because you have so much compassion for your parent/s and you end up giving all the LOVE to them, and almost none to yourself.
-----
there are always exceptions.
sometimes, it works out great, living with and helping your parent/s.
----
simply, people with experience on this website, are warning:
be careful about moving in permanently, and helping.
another thing is to visit, help, and go back to your own home.
we all need stress-free days/weeks.
if you live there permanently, there will be no break.
but as said, there are exceptions. sometimes it works out.
and sometimes, the adult child is truly happy they decided to live with their elderly parents and helped.
----
my opinion:
it's almost ALWAYS the DAUGHTER (not son) who is asked to sacrifice their life.
please don't sacrifice your life.
not another daughter sacrificed. let's stop this sexism. let's stop destroying women's lives.
it matters what you do with your life:
not just kindness towards others, but kindness towards yourself --- your dreams/your goals.
WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, you weren't thinking, "when i grow up, i really want to help my parents all the time. that's all i want to do. i don't want to dance, learn to sing, become a photographer, start my own business, get married, have friends, etc. i only want to be a caregiver for my parents. yipee!"
you had dreams/goals.
go for it.
your loving parents should want you to go for it!
please keep looking for solutions.
some way, to help one's elderly parent/s AND oneself.
bundle of joy :)
good luck
Your mom doesn't have much time like you do.
All that will happen if she moves on is that you will always regret not helping her in the end.
You can always relocate back to where you are but you can never bring your mom back. Think about that. You can't replace your mom!
Do your psyche a favor. Don't put yourself in perpetual regret that you can't come out of for the rest of your life. That can turn into the torture of its own.
Work with your mom for the best solution that is good for her. If she insists, figure out a way to comply with her demands and move in with her.
No job is more valuable to you than your own mom. You can always replace a job and it's easy to lose any job. Jobs come and go. Covid has shown that. Anything can come up to take jobs away. Your mom is a constant that never leaves your side. Be there for her till the end.
I don't know about you, am a female from Africa where we cherish our parents and never give up on them. Even when their body falls apart, their wisdom is priceless especially when they are still cognitively able to communicate.
Good luck to you.
you wrote:
"I think you shouldn't abandon your mom."
"Don't put yourself in perpetual regret that you can't come out of for the rest of your life."
---
i agree. we shouldn't abandon our elderly parents.
and it's awful to live with regret/guilt.
simultaneously, many people are in very tricky situations.
...some mothers are extremely mean/often torturing their daughters. they are not "a constant that never leaves your side".
...sometimes living with your elderly parents results in many, many problems (you go over-board, helping with so many demands, your own life goes down the drain) (total stress/exhaustion; your life gets destroyed).
...even living with very sweet elderly parents can destroy your life, in the sense that there are so many problems to help with.
no loving parent wants their adult's life to go down the drain.
you weren't born to be sacrificed.
hence...it becomes a question of balance.
how do i make sure i can still have a life, and help my elderly parents?
----
it's not easy.
the more money LOs have, the more options there are (for example, hiring in-home, professional/trustworthy/competent/caring caregivers).
----
my own personal opinion, is, try to avoid facilities as much as possible.
it is very rare that a LO is happy in a facility.
it does happen. it's just rare.
if they are happy, they are often in very expensive facilities.
the quality of facilities varies a lot, from place to place.
LOs with little money, have little choice where they end up (which facility).
i understand, sometimes, there simply is no choice:
LO must go to a facility, and sometimes it's even the BEST option for the LO.
----
keep in mind also, that normally the person who is asked to sacrifice their life and go live with their parent is the DAUGHTER.
meanwhile, the brothers (and other sisters) get rich, working, have a full life, enjoy themselves.
the daughter often ends up homeless, penniless, totally stressed-out, unmarried, no children, life down the drain, hopes/dreams wrecked.
-----
about being grateful to have siblings...
some siblings are great.
some siblings are actually awful people and create huge trouble.
-----
we really have difficult situations, many of us.
i wish us well --- us, and our LOs.
i wish us to find good solutions.
i do believe that even in situations that look so hopeless, there are solutions. keep searching for a good solution.
hugs!!!