They never cared for me and didn't want their son to marry me, but we were 40, so he did as he pleased. I've had a cordial relationship with them for 20 years until this past spring. After celebrating my birthday, they fabricated an "insult" and have refused to see or speak to me. My husband and teen son have tried to reason with them, even prove they are mistaken, but it's no use. My FIL forced us to remove bins we had in storage in the attic, berated my husband for every perceived transgression going back 40 years, including marrying me and will no longer see him either. He's also called me terrible names to our son and completely fabricated incidents involving me and passed these stories to extended family. I don't think they have dementia but my FIL has had a couple of strokes.
The whole family is in upset. I've never experienced people at end of life who have purposely blown up a family like this. My husband has 3 siblings and they will not intervene because they're afraid my FIL will turn on them as well. Separately, they say he speaks badly of everyone, punctuated with a self-congratulatory, "I remember," with every recount, as proof he still is mentally fit.
At this point, I can ignore them. But this is killing my husband, who has always been close to his mom, at least. And it's upsetting our son who's always seen them as loving grandparents. Would appreciate any advice.
Over a year ago everything blew up. All I did was answer a question she'd asked me, and my DH began to talk 'over' me, as she was trying to get him to fix a computer issue. (They are both very deaf). She literally screamed and screamed at me to 'shut up! shut up!' I got up and slapped her gently on the back (to get her attention) and said 'V, I am giving you the best gift. I am walking away and you never have to see or talk to me ever again'. And I walked out the door and left. Haven't been back for almost 18 months. I have no intention of trying to mend this rift. There is literally no point and no hope.
I know she has some kind of mental disorder and she had been in the hospital for a really severe UTI which caused her to fall. But she had been home again for a couple of months and I thought she was 'better'. Nope. Worse.
DH is NOT happy with this dynamic. As long as I was around, I took all the heat. Now he gets it--she is ALWAYS mad, beyond just annoyed, but furious angry all the time. SIL gets the CG role, and DH tries to help, but every visit with her ends in him being screamed at. Now I'm not there to absorb the vitriol, he gets it all. He will BEG me to go with him to visit and I will not. His older brother cut ties with her several years ago and doesn't speak to her.
DH is slowly, slowly coming to see what I have been through and to see his mother as what she is: a hateful, sick woman.
Sounds like your inlaws are terrorizing the whole family. You probably can't do much of anything to change them or the dynamic you find.
It is sad, but they (esp FIL) are going to get worse. Strokes cause mental damage--don't exclude those as a possible causation of the behavior change.
I wouldn't waste my time or breath on them--honestly, my emotional health was so damaged by time spent with MIL. (FIL divorced her 32 years ago and passed 18 years ago--I had a fabulous relationship with him!)
My MIL does not 'recognize' my 5 kids, their spouses or our 14 gorgeous grandkids as being related to her. She has never even SEEN the youngest grandbaby and he is 4. No desire to even see him.
I feel your pain--so clearly. Take a step back and decide how much pain you are willing to suffer to have a 'realtionship' with these people.
Maybe having nothing to do with your MIL is a blessing in disguise for you and your husband as well. It will keep both of you off the caregiver hook.
Your description of your FIL sounds a lot like my Dad; with my mother trying to minimize Dad's actions to everyone else. Mom did her best to "support" my father but would admit privately his actions were extreme and try to convince us kids to let it go, and we generally did right up to the day Dad hit Mom and caused her to fall, which led to me gaining guardianship.
Vascular dementia is a tricky path to walk because some areas of the brain are damaged while other areas (like memory) appear to remain intact. People appear normal at times but become very unpredictable. My father once "cleaned" the freshwater well to his home by dumping an entire bag of pool chlorine with algaecide into the well even though the bag had clear statements of the poisonous nature of the chemical mix. Fortunately, my mother smelled the chlorine in the water and started questioning what was going on before anyone consumed any of it. Dad's reactions to becoming angered changed too; he began throwing things and I needed to eliminate things in the house he could throw.
I would encourage your husband to continue to maintain contact with his father, visit and call him. Expect the aggressive behavior and the wild statements and just try to ignore them as best you can; arguing and/or defending yourself just doesn't work well although calmly disagreeing with a false statement sometimes does. You should maintain contract too if you can endure the hateful behaviors without anger. I came to view the agressive behaviors as my father's illness and not the person he chose to be when his mind was undamaged but the angry false narrative still hurt.
Its is very important someone in the family maintain contact with your MIL to make sure she is okay. MIL is in a VERY stressful situation and her health may begin failing under the strain.
Utimiately, your FIL may need to move into a Memory Care (MC) facility where the staff is trained to work with behaviors of patients with vascular dementia. My father did very well after he moved into a good MC. Mom did much better as soneone who visited Dad often instead of someone who was responsible for his hands-on care 24/7. Mom was resistant to placing Dad in MC, although she consented because one brother and I were reluctant to allow her to remain alone in the home with him once Dad had demostrated he would harm her and the stress was impacting her own health. Your husband needs to work on building a consenus among his siblings about what point they agree placing his father in a facility should be considered so the family can present a united front if/when that day occurs. Will the "trigger" event be when something bad happens in the home? When Dad runs into the rearend of the vehicle in front of him? Or when Mom is staying at home all the time because she doesn't want to leave her husband alone? Or when Mom has injuries?
Know that you are not alone in walking the journey. Know that most likely your behavior had _nothing_ to do with how FIL treats you now. Regardless of whatever "reason" FIL may have had for not supporting your marriage years ago, if vascular dementia is driving his thinking now, he is unreasonable.
FIL needs a good physical. He needs labs and checked for a UTI, which is very serious in men. Can become septic and die from it. It may be found he has hand more strokes. Or something physical is going on.
In this case, there is not; there may well need to be an appeal to authority if these folks are endangering themselves or one is abusing the other.
hug!!
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that a family "spy" should try to get into the home and look around for signs of disarray or chaos: unopened mail, decline in personal hygiene, opened pill bottles and scattered pills, rotting food, uncharacteristically dirty or disorganized home, signs of neglect of their pets, etc. Based on what is found your family will have a mandate to work towards helping them no matter if they are cooperative or not. You can always contact APS for a wellness check (because the relationship can't get any worse so why not). You can discretely speak to their neighbors to see if they've seen or heard or had any strange interactions with them (but be aware that elderly neighbors can "side" with your in-laws' because they may have been told of the "transgressions" of the family). I wish you and your family much success in helping them.
i agree geaton. the only thing i would warn against is contacting APS. don’t get them involved, gisele.
try to solve this within the family.
sometimes, (for example FIL), just wants a scapegoat. and you’re it, unfortunately. and your husband.
it might be dementia. but it might also simply be, that FIL is not a nice person and decided to target you.
sometimes there’s really nothing to do, except avoid people who verbally attack you.
i would say: don’t involve APS.
hugs!
Strokes can and often do result in vascular dementia.
Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) can cause behavioral and psychiatric issues in the elderly.
Are there any signs of self-neglect? Can your husband be in contact with their doctor and indicate that this is a sudden change in mental status?
Dementia, especially vascular dementia, is often not so much about memory as it is about judgement and seeing consequences. Is anyone POA or healthcare proxy for these folks? It sounds like there is some cognitive decline going on.
One of the first "lessons" in dealing with folks with dementia is "don't argue". Look up Teepa Snow and see if your husband can adopt some of her techniques in dealing with his parents.
I wonder if husband could take his mom out (just her) and scope out if Dad is being mean/abusive to her as well? Maybe a grandson/grandad day, and mom gets a trip out to dinner with her son. Not to be argued with, just "how are things at home, mom?"