My sister's son is getting married in Vegas. The trip was planned before her symptoms got into the medium range of Alzheimer's. They have decided to not take her, although most of the family has planned to go. I also have decided not to go, but she is feeling unwanted. Was this the right decision?
I would encourage them to get a video done so she can see the ceremony.
The in between time of knowing what is happening and not is so very difficult. Finding ways to not hurt feelings is a real challenge because the patient thinks they are fine to do things and they aren't.
Best of luck with this difficult situation.
If so, make it a special occasion--get dressed up and make hors d'oeuvres and mocktails.
Last year we were able to attend the wedding of my nephew because, while he had a destination wedding, it was in our state (albeit was a 6 hour drive), but my FIL and the other living grandparent were not able to make the trip because both have health issues that preclude the long drive AND it was on a beach which made access a major issue for both. So they were able to watch the video later. And the bride and groom spent time with both at a different time.
My niece (sister of the groom from the wedding above) will be getting married next year and there is a very good chance we will not be able to attend because they want to get married in a very northern state, in a winter month when it will definitely be snowing, in a remote area which will require flights, and transportation, and lodging for nearly a week which will be costly for my family of four during a time when both of my daughters will have classes and taking time away is unadvised to begin with. We love both of them equally and if the wedding was closer we would 100% attend. But the expense and the location (as well as the potential for flights to be cancelled and add additional expense and additional time away) are definitely going to prevent us from attending and we already know that and we've already expressed our regrets that we can't attend. We absolutely don't have any expectations that they would make any changes for us because this is their wedding. As it is, it is already dicey whether her own parents will be able to make it. They will move heaven and earth and be there, but it is a lot to make it happen.
The reason I say that is this. Weddings are already often a minefield with lots of places where people can get their feelings hurt to begin with. You add in a parent of the bride or groom with dementia or ALZ that can't travel to the mix and if you start trying to make huge adjustments to the plan to accommodate and you could have long term hurt feelings in the mix. So if that is where they want to get married, they should continue their plans and get married in Vegas and try their best to do something very special for your sister to make her feel included in the very best way they can. ALZ is very unpredictable Traveling is difficult. Someone would need to be with her 24/7 and there is no guarantee that she would even be at her best for the wedding in the first place. She would be in an unfamiliar situation. In an unfamiliar place. She would be experiencing a huge life change away from home.
Its best for all concerned if they can do something extra special just for her to make her feel important and wanted.
If it’s the sister, what has the son told her about why they’re not taking her? Lots of stair climbing? Big commotion? Too much driving? Those can also be the reasons that you tell her is why you aren’t going either.
The fact that you aren’t going will make her feel less alone, you know? And there are probably others who can’t go due to their work or kid obligations, and some who would prefer not going to the middle of a desert at the start of summer.
Try to take her mind off of being unwanted by redirecting those thoughts to why it’s more comfortable to not go.
In this day of destination weddings and so on I am HAPPY to be excluded myself. Hee hee. But we're all different, and that's what it's all abou!
We had to stand outside the venue till it was our turn. Here is a peek https://www.vivalasvegasweddings.com/las-vegas-wedding-chapels/the-doo-wop-diner
I so hope that your sister is to the point her disappointment will be short lived. COVID is on the rise again. With your health problems, Airports and airplanes are not where either of you should be. And as explained, the whole trip will be very confusing for ur sister. Someone would need to constantly be caring for her so she can see 5 min of a ceremony. She probably thinks its a big ceremony with a reception.
They did stream my daughter's and that was 2010. Streaming has improved since then. Just get sis comfortably in her favorite chair. Turn the lights down and watch it from the comfort of home. I used to do this for Church for Mom when she could no longer go. She thought she was there.
So yes, the decision not to take sis was a good one.
Try taking her way for a weekend at a hotel.
Travel for 4 or 5 hours. Even if you have to take a train or bus and get back to your car and drive around for a while. Then get to the hotel and wait around until you can check in. Do some sight seeing, walk a lot. Then go to dinner. Once you get into bed make sure all the doors are locked so that she can not get out if she decides to wander off.
My guess is part way through the first day during your travel she will want to go home. And at some point she will become agitated.
OH, make sure that you take her into a public bathroom and try to change her clothes.
I guess to answer your question...travel with someone with dementia is not an easy task. She will do much better at home.
I think the right thing to do for your sister's son to do would be have a small ceremony at the house for him, the bride and his mom so she can participate and she can see the couple dressed up. It does not even have to be the clothes they will wear AT the wedding.
And I think the right thing to do is when the couple returns home to have a small reception that mom can participate in as well. And your sister should wear a true "mother of the bride" dress. You can take her shopping while every one is in hot, sweltering, expensive Las Vegas.
I don't think the OP was originally asking us if this decision was 'the right decision' or not; this post was altered from the original question.
There is no 'right or wrong' when Alzheimer's is involved. Lots of strategies have to be used to insure the elder is properly cared for, and that includes keeping her OUT of crowded and confused places, like weddings, where there's lots of commotion involved.
If this were me, I would create a small ceremony for my my mother to witness her son get married in, even if it was 'fake' and for 'show' purposes only. Then a small intimate dinner afterward so mom could feel a part of everything, as she should. To know she's purposely being left out of her own son's wedding is cruel, and something ought to be done to recognize her as the mother of the groom. In my opinion. This disease is cruel enough w/o robbing her of something ELSE she should be a part of.
Good luck.
Perhaps you could even blame her non-attendance on the infection risk?
Maybe you could tell your sister that Vegas is dangerously hot right now and its not wise for older folks to be in that kind of heat. Tell her that you are staying home like she is...
Another poster suggested setting up a zoom so that your sister could see the wedding that way. Not a bad idea.
From the point of view of the bride and groom, it probably was the right decision, yes; given that their priority is, naturally, the wedding they planned.
From the point of view of your sister, the decision to have their wedding in a place and in a style she couldn't share excluded her and therefore, naturally, sucks. Evidently she's not so far gone that she doesn't understand that her son's getting married and she's not welcome; and both of things are unavoidably true. What's she supposed to feel? Hey ho them's the breaks?
Is the groom's father still married to her and still closely involved in her care?
I don't know what I'd say to her in your position. What does she say? Do you think there is anything the son and his bride could and would be willing to do to make it up to her?
It is the case that younger people aren't always willing to accommodate older generations' needs, and sometimes it's fair enough and sometimes it's regrettable. I don't know which applies here.
This would be the right decision from one person's perspective and wrong from another's. She seems to have enough mental ability to understand the wedding is still happening and to have feelings about it. However, unless there is someone with her to devote their time to her, she could possibly end up alone in a corner with confusion creeping in.
As other said, blame it on the heat, covid issues or whatever you have to so that it smooths her ruffled feathers and maybe gets her in the mode of a trip might be risky to her health. Ask the son if he can arrange for her to watch it on a computer at home and let him know she is aware that's she's been uninvited and it would be a way to include her that day. Yes, she has a mental disease that will rob her of many memories, but it doesn't appear she's there quite yet.
share your reasons with your sister and encourage her to adapt said reasons.
I can't see how it really makes any difference what number marriage the bride or groom is on.
I was on my second marriage a few months shy of my 33nd birthday. Hardly a middle-aged bride. It was also the second marriage for my groom/ex-husband who at 35 years old was just as nervous as he was the first time he married with his late wife of blessed memory. He'll be 54 years old and will be just as nervous the next time we stand under the canopy as he was any other time.
Traveling with eldelry people that have dementia is very hard. There needs to be so much planning, support, and help that I would not recommend it unless it's absolutely necessary. Her attendance at the wedding would not add to the celebrating. I've been to weddings with elderly relatives with dementia and in wheelchairs and it puts a damper on an otherwise good time.
They do not enjoy themselves and neither do the people around them or their caregivers.
I hear that. Non-caregivers are usually chock full of opinions, suggestions, and advice.
Yet so few are ever willing to offer any practical assistance.
There are times and events that children don't belong at. There are some times and events where elderly people with dementia don't belong at either.
A Las Vegas wedding is one such place. The mother with dementia should not go. They can have a small reception with her at home like Chickie1 suggests. That's the best idea on the thread.
One of the hardest things about caregiving is when people who don't really know what it's like on a daily basis try to impose what they think is best. Please take a back seat on this one.