Hi,
I have just joined the forum after visiting for many years!
Sorry in advance for my long message.
I am based in the UK and help care for my 88 y/o Gran.
She just had a week in hospital after a mild bout of pneumonia and a UTI.
We got her home last night but she didn’t seem to recognise her flat and also was expecting me to do everything, take her to the toilet, pull her trousers down, undress her for bed (although she was quite able to work the TV and check the messages on her phone?)
Prior to going into hospital she was doing these things for herself, but does have carers in two times a day to do meals for her, laundry and give her a shower etc.
This does sound awful but she has, for at least the last 20 years, been a very lazy person. My Grandfather did pretty much everything for her until he developed dementia 10 years ago (he died in 2016).
I lived with my Grandparents from age 11 to 19 after my mother died, hence I am more involved in capacity of a Daughter than Granddaughter.
Obviously being in the hospital she got used to the nurses doing everything for her, but she was only in a week, seems a short time for her to completely forget how her life was before hand?
She does not live in the home she shared with Grandad, she moved to a managed flat when he went into care although there are not staff there all the time. There are pull cords etc. in case she falls.
My Dad (65) also helps care for her, he takes her to appointments, deals with her finances. My involvement I mainly do food shopping, a bit of cleaning but really up until now I have only visited once a week to do these things but will mainly spend a few hours just as company for her, chatting.
There is a communal area in her building and she used to go down there herself to meet with the neighbours for coffee etc. but when the pandemic struck it closed for two years and when they reopened it this year she decided she wasn’t able to do that any more so spends all day at home. I think she is still able but just lost confidence. But try as I might I can’t convince her, even if I offer to walk down with her (she has a walker too which she can use well).
My view is that if she wants to continue living independently in the way she has been then she will need to start doing things for herself again as neither my Dad or I or her carers can be there 24 hours a day.
Maybe she will bounce back again, just wondered is this a normal thing after a stay in hospital or is this usually when the conversation about a nursing/care home needs to start?
I personally think she would enjoy a care home but has a mental block about it as my Grandad’s was a specialist unit for dementia and it was upsetting for her when we would visit.
Sorry for long message, just be nice to be able to chat to folks going through the same thing, as I don’t think people who aren’t currently in it appreciate how stressful it is and how much mental space it takes up for us.
Thank you,
Jennifer
I know this is a difficult time for you but your conclusions about her behavior - possibly lazy, attention getting - is likely to come thru to her. And possibly getting the way of helping her make heathy decisions about her living place and care needs. Even if you’re absolutely correctly assessing her condition and motives. The best to you.
If medication doesn't seem to be the problem, you may be correct that she has lost confidence in her abilities. Would it be possible for you (or someone), to request one of her "coffee group" to visit your mother and personally invite her back to coffee time? If they say they have missed her, it would be harder to resist.
You could offer to accompany her there if she seems fearful. Expect her to feel weak after so long a stay in the hospital. Anyone can feel "weak" after some days in bed with just a cold or flu bug! Don't deny her feeling of weakness, but encourage her that, with a little time and patience, she may resume her life as before.
As a last resort you might tell her (use your own judgement about this) that you don't think she's ready for a nursing home. Don't make it a threat, but if nothing else motivates her, the thought of this just might.
"Medical personnel at the hospital wouldn't have missed it......." They may not 'miss' it, they just discharge elders ANYWAY.
At 88 she deserves to have people take care of her, personality excluded. Do as much encouraging her to do for herself what she can and focus on enjoying her as long as you can and be thankful to have your dad for help. Don't allow ridiculous narcissism, but if that's not her personality, realize that she is old and may never be the same or get better.
At this point in my life, I'd do anything to have my Daddy back to wait on. Just know you will someday look back and you don't want any regrets.
car trip to visit family, stayed in hotel and she seemed like she’d lost her marbles. She slowly readjusted once in familiar surroundings but I’ve realized any schedule/location/unexpected trips even to a restaurant mess her up for days. Then she’s fine
just my own experience, but I can see her failing faster each month :(. She even has me tuck her in bed each night now. I’m trying hard to cherish our time but it can be frustrating sometimes.
best wishes to you
The fact that she's 98 and had to go through two ailments at once, is a lot to handle. I would check with her Dr. for retesting to see if the UTI has cleared completely. It's possible she had two UTI strains instead of one and it's hard to detect the second one.
Also, at 98 she could also be suffering from a memory impairment which can also alter a person's personality. Lastly, you may want to check into getting her a companioned during the day until she goes to bed, or look into a facility for her to move to so she can have around-the-clock care.
Good Luck.
“ we need to try & keep her out of the hospital if possible “ also it’s good to have people to take shifts if possible to stay with them there, or an aid
Came out of anesthesia disoriented, freaked out, and somewhat violent. She didn't know where she was or who anyone was.
A good rule of thumb is that for every day in the hospital/rehab, it takes roughly 3 days to recover. So a 30-day stay can result in 90 days of recovery.
Unfortunately, my mom continued to get worse. We thought she would be ok in independent living but was quickly moved to AL after we installed a camera and saw what she was going through. (Unable to go to the bathroom by herself, would forget to pull up her pants, the list goes on...) and Sundowning like crazy... constant pacing, doing loops around her apartment, throwing things, opening the front door and yelling down the hall for help... It was a sad situation.
Alzheimers is a fatal disease with distinct behaviors.. Dementia is caused by different types of progressive brain damage. MCI causes some disability but is considered part of normal aging.
An older person who has slower reflexes, often forgets, sometimes repeats questions or favorite jokes, is likely suffering from MCI. Elders have difficulty adjusting to the unfamiliar--a hospitalization or using a cell phone. They often insist on rigid schedules, even rituals, and consistent places to keep certain items as a way of remembering. They may temporarily forget familiar words (but not likely family members or a childhood best friend).
Younger people sometimes find MCI disconcerting, but should avoid considering such behavior "dementia" unless medically diagnosed.. Every stage in life has it own difficulties from toddler-hood to old age. We will all likely have MCI if we live long enough. We all learn to walk... but someday we may need a walker or a cane to do it.
I do feel I have been a bit harsh in expecting her to bounce back to normal so soon. Probably down to my own selfishness as I’m not ready to lose her and I want her life to be as good as possible.
She has not been home yet for a full week so will continue to monitor how things go.
I have tried (pre hospital) taking her down to the communal lounge, with her walker and in the wheel chair but after about 10 minutes she just says take me back again. I think she agrees to humour me more than anything.
Perhaps there is the beginnings of dementia there.
In my view she hasn’t had enough extensive testing for them to say that with confidence!! But then again what do I know?
Doctor is visiting again today so will see what comes of that.
Then it got worse. She literally went (and I’m not kidding or exaggerating) overnight from getting around (not well, but getting around) to not being able to walk or stand or doing anything. She was extremely confused.
The doctors said it was lingering effects from her recent hospitalization for bacteria pneumonia but I felt otherwise. Shes my mom and I think I knew her better than the doctors and I had watched her decline over the last several years. The dementia took a cliff dive and she was not going to get better.
I don’t think your gran is trying to get attention by having you do all those intimate care tasks. I don’t think anyone of us wants that kind of attention.
It may be time to start planning for some other care options. DONT WAIT until you are ready . Get things in place now because (at least in my case) it was a messy, lengthy, expensive process. Covid did not help. My mom died in October 2021. This dementia stuff is horrible.
Good luck.
When she was transported to rehab, the paperwork showed that she had 'dementia' which I protested but they would not listen. She continued to exhibit the behavior and so it was kind of like she reinforced what they 'thought' she had. But I kept being a b#!*% about it and showing anyone and everyone who she had been even the day before hospital admittance. A kind nurse who finally listened to me suggested that mother had 'post operative delirium' due to the drugs and medications they gave her in the hospital and that hopefully, it would wear off. Yes, it did gradually wear off every day over 3 weeks time - she never was 100% again, but at least she was 85%.
It could be this is what your gran might have?