First I’d like to say this site has been a lifesaver for me over the past 7 years that I’ve been a caretaker. I discovered a lot of people have much bigger problems than I, and this has put my issues in perspective!
5 years ago I took an early retirement because the care of both my parents was too overwhelming along with a full time job. My husband supported this decision.
My wonderful Dad passed away a bit over two years ago and once again with my husbands approval we moved my Mother in with us. It’s working out much better than we both thought. My Dad was so worried about her as she is quite frail but is actually doing quite well.
My MIL started declining about a year to 2 years ago and I stepped up to help with her Doctor Appts, etc. She recently passed and much to our surprise left quite a legacy to my husband. Long story short this is the only marriage for both of us and we share 4 adult children. Married for 43 years. All our children are well educated with great careers.
Here is the kicker I just inadvertently found out my husband put his inheritance in an account with just him and one of our son's name. I do understand an inheritance does not need to be shared with a spouse but what a slap in the face. I had every intention of putting whatever inheritance I get in both our names. Also my salary paid for the kids colleges so no real 401k for me. I am deeply hurt by his lack of concern about me should he go first. Just wonder what your thoughts are on this topic. Thanks
None of us know, and none of us should speculate on what really is the truth. Fact is, the wife got access to information she has no business knowing about in the first place. Son committed a breach of his fiduciary duty. He should be relieved of his position, once his father finds out.
Then, after you talk with your husband, you and husband together go meet with an estate planning attorney and get everything straightened out the way that you BOTH agree upon. Do not tell son about this or involve him further in the financial planning. It sounds like he can't be trusted.
My thought was maybe MIL had advised Hubby that the $ was for the children. My mother had accounts that she had told me were for my son for his education. When she passed I went to the bank and had any of those accounts placed in my name in trust for him. She also directed me that any of the funds left in the IRA she left for me should be named with him as the beneficiary if I passed before all the funds were distributed. On that one I had to have my husband sign off in agreement.
1. Talk to your husband first. It seems to me that this is the major important detail for you to know before allowing yourself to spin into emotional and psychological painful scenarios.
1a. I question or wonder why you didn't talk to him first, before asking here in this forum?
2. Tell him you are going to an Elder Estate Attorney and ask him if he wants to go with you (he might if he is handling things as his inheritance asks).
2a. If he says NO, he won't go (and perhaps asks "why are YOU wanting to go?), how will this affect your relationship with him - now? Trust issues, hurt.
3. Share with your husband how you feel and clear the air.
I also stated in my Pour Over Will, I have made no provision for my oldest (38yrs Old) previous marriage, due to his receipt of a personal injury lawsuit my DW and I financed with no help from his mother. He fired me as his Trustee a couple of years after the lawsuit and named his mother Trustee, he then blew all of his settlement money. What he received in that settlement far exceeds anything our three children will ever get. My oldest got his share and I wanted it spelled out in case he tried to contest my will. I don't believe he would, because, I explained all of this to him. We have about 2 1/2 yrs until the Trust will be established for five years and my DW will have everything to herself. All the other paperwork, medical directives, DPOA, burial requests etc was done by the Estate Attorney's and looked over by an Elder Law Attorney offering advice to review the Trust after a couple of years to make sure all is still compliant with our State Laws.
These actions are unique to our marriage, which is rock solid, We've practiced our faith together from the beginning the time we started dating. We've never had a fight in our 25yrs together including dating yrs and married years. We both sleep better at night.
Finally, I want all who read this to take stock in our advice to take a look at what is best for your family, and take charge of settling your affairs so there is a lot less stress for your DF once you pass away. Yes, this takes Faith and Commitment, we are happy.
You should both go to see an elder law attorney and get advice on the best way to be sure the surviving spouse is protected and the estate is organized properly. Sounds like your husband is doing some amateur estate planning. But, again, talk with him about it.
I think I would ask him. There is every possibility he did it thinking it was better for you and him to do so. If he doesn't have a good reason, I would ask to be added to the account so that you would have it should something happen to him first. If he doesn't think you need it and there is any doubt whatsoever about what sonny would do with the money, you should think about how to rat hole some funds of your very own.
This is a conversation you need to have because you DO have to know what you will be living on should he pass first...you BOTH need to know that.
Your error is in your attitude of entitlement to Legacy money that is from his side of the family. It's very, very common to keep money of the family always in the family name, so as to not dilute the wealth of the family.
You are also entitled to any money to put in your name, that you inherit from your side of the family, and to manage it and spend it as you see fit, but you have ZERO rights to legacy money from his side of the family.
Secondly, your son has breached his fiduciary duty to his grandmother in telling you anything about the value of the estate, or that which your husband inherited... It's his choice and his decision whether through your previous saving or spending habits, he decides he wants to share his inheritance with you. The laws are written this way, because women have been gold diggers to that which is not theirs, forever. Just because you married up to a wealthier family doesn't give you entitlement to his side of the families money.
Your son should be relieved of his position for the errors in his ways, in not respecting his grandmothers or his fathers privacy, by informing you of information that is none of your business. Irregardless of whether you like it or not.
If I were you, I'd butt out. You never should have received that information from your son. Your son is a trouble maker and not honoring his grandmother's wishes. Any family member with money brings out the worst in greed in the rest of the family's behavior when they even get a hint of the smell of money that they can grab when said member gets close to being deceased. All women are like that... all of them.
This is why men nowadays are choosing to no longer get married. The internet has made it possible for them to see the true nature of women and their sense of entitlement and greed, to that which is not theirs.
Where did you read "mother on your husbands side is the one that picked her grandson to manage and or handle the Estate or Trust"? I can't find 2peeps having written any of that.
2peeps is not a gold digger. She paid for college for all 4 of her children.
The OP paid for college education for 4 children out of her salary, rather than contributing to her own retirement funds. While she is the beneficiary of her DH's IRA, there is no will and no word about the house, pension, etc.
If I were in a marriage in which funds were co-mingled, and in which I was being asked for forgo my own retirement savings in favor of paying for college, I'd like my rights of inheritance spelled out. Like in a will. Or a trust.
And I'd want to know the terms. That's called standing up for yourself.
Last I heard, when Peeps married this man 40 YEARS AGO, his “family name” became hers.
And, by the way - you pompous ass - “Irregardless” isn’t a word.
Obviously you feel like a little nothing of a male to lash out at a woman that is asking for advice from what should be a safe forum.
It must be so sad being you.
Joe certainly hates women. That’s for sure.
When Joe received the inheritance.
Then no worries.
Anything acquired while married. IS COMMUNITY PROPERTY.
Have at it, enjoy community property.
I'm curious what did Joe say to you when he received the monies?
Seek counsel...
Good Luck!
Once the relationship is good, see an elder lawyer. Perhaps you and your DH need advice on planning the financial future.
I wish you well.
I could not imagine he doesn’t want you to have it - do you?
My father put my name upon all of his accounts. All of his accounts are in Trust. I am Successor Trustee. I also have sole POA, after my father removed two sisters, both from co POA and co Trustees, when their behavior and spending habits of a previous inheritance they got became apparent to him. My sisters did it to themselves, nobody else's fault, they don't want to be held accountable for their poor choices in life or poor spending / savings habits. Dad always told them don't come back to me, once you are married, asking or begging for money, yet both of them didn't listen, and did come back begging. My father is not one to be an enabler.
A person in such a position has a tremendous burden and level of responsibility to manage the trust in a professional capacity, or hire those that can manage the trust and assets in a professional capacity.
That you are named a trustee, it's inherent that the person that assigned you that responsibility put their trust in you, to manage it correctly. It's their assets, and their choice, solely. The trust spells out the distribution and beneficiaries upon death, as put in writing.
Facts are, despite all the hearsay info here, husband and son are in the right. That's the law.
How would you feel if your wife had hidden away money in an account she held with someone else? Guaranteed you would be mad as hell.
My mother was generally submissive to my father, but he got in big trouble for that, as he should have.
Men do stupid things.