First I’d like to say this site has been a lifesaver for me over the past 7 years that I’ve been a caretaker. I discovered a lot of people have much bigger problems than I, and this has put my issues in perspective!
5 years ago I took an early retirement because the care of both my parents was too overwhelming along with a full time job. My husband supported this decision.
My wonderful Dad passed away a bit over two years ago and once again with my husbands approval we moved my Mother in with us. It’s working out much better than we both thought. My Dad was so worried about her as she is quite frail but is actually doing quite well.
My MIL started declining about a year to 2 years ago and I stepped up to help with her Doctor Appts, etc. She recently passed and much to our surprise left quite a legacy to my husband. Long story short this is the only marriage for both of us and we share 4 adult children. Married for 43 years. All our children are well educated with great careers.
Here is the kicker I just inadvertently found out my husband put his inheritance in an account with just him and one of our son's name. I do understand an inheritance does not need to be shared with a spouse but what a slap in the face. I had every intention of putting whatever inheritance I get in both our names. Also my salary paid for the kids colleges so no real 401k for me. I am deeply hurt by his lack of concern about me should he go first. Just wonder what your thoughts are on this topic. Thanks
re: your husband of 43 years -
There are many questions I would want answered here a) if you have 4 children, why he chose just 1 child etc, etc- for example will the son administrator for the family, does he inherit alone?
This may sound extreme, but if you have a real concern that if he passed away it would leave you basically in financial difficulty. My suggestion, is to contact a divorce
attorney ASAP and get the financials worked out now. Reason, if he passes away first based on what you've said you would be in dire straits if you don't have
your own savings/401k etc, and have instead spent your salary on home and family - (nothing wrong with that but you should not have to worry about your financial
future either), and I don't know how old you are - but getting a job as a senior is not an easy task and in today's economy you're probably "gonna
have some hard times ahead" . Like I said a divorce attorney may sound extreme, but if your husband dies before you there will be nothing you can do. While you don't have to actually get a divorce, but, at least with a divorce attorney you will find out what rights you have, sooner than later where you stand and what options you may have. Good luck
GloBee
Interestingly, my ex, someone I always kowtowed to, deferred to, etc., who was LIVID when, as directed by our mediator, I retained a lawyer, suddenly became quite docile when HIS lawyer explained to him exactly what he was going to give me. (Much more than I asked for). Because NY State is a good place to be a woman.
And, contrary to what you might think, he now seems to respect me more. Standing up for myself, finally, seemed to get his attention.
I’d be mad too. Shocked as well. Sad. Wow! Bad situation for your friend, sorry.
The right attorney in any situation is the answer. When my daughter was getting an attorney for a restraining order for an ex boyfriend because he was threatening to hurt her, did attack new guys she dated after she broke up with him, blinded her dog by throwing something at him and it hit the poor little pooch in the eye and he went blind caused by a detached retina, attempted suicide, etc.
When my daughter took him to court. His attorney tried to say that he was only a threat to himself. The judge told his attorney that one of the number one things they look for is suicide attempts and hurting animals. She also brought up how prevalent murder/suicide is in a relationship. My daughter won the case and got the restraining order against him. So far he hasn’t bothered her and is abiding by the order. I feel sorry for his dad. He tried to raise him right. He is a policeman. I am sure it is embarrassing that his son had a restraining order on him. The mom undermines the dad and babies the son. When my daughter wouldn’t baby him he couldn’t take it and started his abusive behavior towards her, her dog and people that she dated after they broke up.
I know a woman who was divorced after 40+ years of marriage. Her husband took all of the money and dodged her efforts to get her share while all four of their kids shamed her and defended him. She never got her share and eked out an existence in a windowless basement apartment, with her kids treating her like a silly child. I hope your husband and kids are better than this, but beware.
When my first husband and I divorced, we initially went the mediation route; that didn't work and I got a "mediation friendly" lawyer. When it looked as though that might not get me what I needed, I got a referral for a "pit bull". After talking to her on the phone for 20 minutes, I realized that I still had enough empathy for my about to be ex that I didn't want to subject him to her.
She was scary. There are lawyers like that for a reason. And they are worth EVERY PENNY of their retainers.
Your future counts equally to your husband and children. You need answers. See an attorney first so you have knowledge. Then address the issue.
My son is six foot tall and thirty five years old but if he had said that to me he would have been over my knee and spanked with a hairbrush.
D2p, enough is enough. WHY are you asking your son questions that ought to have been put to your husband? WHY does your son believe that it is for him to determine what is "enough" for his mother? And why in heaven's name aren't you and your husband sorting out your joint affairs in a tidy and transparent way? Don't be reticent, don't be shy, but do be calm - it is time to be taken seriously about a serious subject which you have a right to be involved in.
I seem to recall reading on here about a woman who overheard her husband talking to one of her adult children about how the estate was arranged so that it would all go to the children, not his wife of many years. The wife found out about this plan, went to a lawyer and made sure that no matter what the will said, the state laws regards a spouse's rights were followed. On the way home from the funeral, she explained to the children "how it would be", told them that she forgave them for their part in colluding with their dad.
Daughter, I would get myself to a full service law firm very soon. Not so much about this particular bit of money as about the bigger picture. Take all the financial records with you. Sit down with a lawyer. Then make a second appointment and tell your DH that you are both going to make wills so that your future is protected. If he won't, you'll have an answer, won't you?
Check out Bogleheads.org if you want to learn about investing; I'd start taking some money out of those joint accounts and put them in an account with your name only. Just to be safe.
It sounds as though there is some contention around how money gets spent in your marriage. How was it decided to fund the childrens' education from your salary while his salary funded retirement savings? Was that a decision made jointly, or by fiat?
Does either of you have a pension and if so, do you have rights to survivorship benefits? Are you the beneficiary of his 401k? Or are the children?
It would never have occurred to me to put legacy money from my mom into a joint account, but that's because we dont have ANY joint accounts.
Found out inadvertently, eh? Hmm. Well, as it was inadvertent: tell the truth, shame the devil, and tell him how you came across the information.
Unless your husband has something against his other three children, and as your MIL passed away recently as you say, my first guess would be that this account is not the end of his plans for the money but is merely an interim arrangement.
In any case, of more importance to you is the provision your husband has made in his will; and you too should have made a will. Often the best arrangement for a married couple is to see to this together - have you done so? If not, what are you waiting for?
I can understand that you feel hurt and badly treated, but don't make assumptions that make it worse. His "lack of concern" about you is probably no such thing. Don't let it fester - you've been married for over forty years and the Need To Know basis applies.
Can you think of a logical reason for him doing this? I can’t. Are you in a community property state? Just curious. Don’t know if that would even matter though because he can separate the money anyway.
Can you consult an attorney before confronting him so you will have all the facts? Something is off here. Why on earth would he do this? Hugs!
Everything we have is ours. My husband has inherited 2x and the money was invested with me as beneficiary. Wills are what is urs is mine. There will be no inheritance for the girls until one of us dies and the other does a new will.
Come back and tell us what he says.
Do you know what your husband’s Will says about the funds? Is the account with you son set up that your son will receive the funds upon your husband’s death or is it to provide for you upon his death? Strange way to do it though?
Have you talked to your husband about this?
https://estatelawcounsel.com/surprise-cant-easily-disinherit-spouse-u-s/
If your husband has any reason to believe you would mismanage your money he may be trying to protect you by having your son manage for you (I'm not saying he's going about it the right way though)
Ah, I just realized you are asking specifically about the inheritance, not your other assets. It could be that he wants to ensure the money reaches the next generation but I still feel his efforts are clumsy, and what about the other kids? This sounds a lot like the archaic patrilineal attitude that sees the money as passing from his father, to himself, to oldest son.