Starting from when I was about 14 I’ve been paid $20 to take care of my grandma on my father’s side. Since my father bought the house next door to let her move closer to us, my workload has increased from once a month, to once a week, to twice a week and twice a day while the pay has stayed the same. My sister (15) and my mom, who isn’t blood-related, and I each do two days a week while my dad (the main bread winner to be fair) only does one. This means that on top of college classes full time (I’m dual-enrolled in high school), sports, a part-time job, clubs, applying to scholarships, and maintaining a social life, I have go take care of her. My grandma is incontinent. This means I clean poop off of her sheets, floors, toilet, off of her person, in all of her laundry, and basically anything she touches. She has dementia and will often refuse to bathe and yell at me. The smell is so bad most days that I can’t help gagging. I also have to drive her to the occasional appointment and bring her food even though she is capable of walking. I’m tired of taking care of her, but my dad says she won’t go to a nursing home and if I want to hire a nurse to pay for it myself. I haven’t brought up quitting, but is it really my responsibility to take care of her so often at the expense of my free time?
Smell can be cut down by wearing face mask and spraying odor ban where she keeps her diapers. Poo can be cleaned but buy lots of mats...the type used for training dogs. They are fairly cheap and put those on her chair and bed. I even put it in front of the toilet to catch puddles and poo. It will cut down on the smell. Don't even bother trying to bath her. ...that is not your responsibility and no one dies from not taking a shower.
You really need to have a talk with Dad because he will need to pay for it all and hopefully arrange for care worker to come in. Why is your Mom (step Mom) so quiet in all this. Where is your real Mom? Can you go to her place?
live your life you have done more than enough. It’s unfair of your dad to expect you to carry on. Let him clean up his mother if he wants. If that happens you can guarantee she will be in a home.
This is total exploitation, and OP needs to get out, and OP needs to help her sister. If there is no help forthcoming from dad I say forget about any family relationship, since all he wants to do is use people, including his own biological grandchildren not yet born.
He acts like this? Why would he think any responsible mother would allow him any time with the grandkids?
He is destroying the family. Not OP, and certainly not her 10th grade sister.
Who gets her income??? If she is on Social Security, by law that money goes to pay for her care, & should be used to pay for care for her. If she has private assets, above her own expenses for housing, food, her money is to pay for her care & supplies.
I think it is wonderful that you are helping to care for her. Your father needs to meet with a social worker to evaluate grandma's care needs, & develop a plan. You may have to be the "adult" in arranging for all this, so good luck. You are under no legal obligation to care for her. By the way, do you get $20 an hour? A day? As a full-time student, part-time worker, etc. your family must make you an equal partner in caring for her. Your schoolwork has to be your first priority.
Time to talk to a school counselor to let them know what is going on at home so they can get you some resources and assistance. Good Luck!!
My house my rules only goes so far. Like with NORMAL people in HS, said rules are to refrain from sex, drinking alcohol and doing pot or other drugs in the home. Not these threats saying that she's conscripted for perhaps 20 years for an elder who is yelly, screechy and smears poo all over every surface.
The dad doesn't want to negotiate, and Willa's got one card here. She is still in HS. Therefore the HS resources are available to her and crucially so is CPS for the 15-yo sister.
Willa, talk to your counselor with your sister now and devise a plan now to move out after graduation. Your dad and mom figure, step or gf will be sufficiently angry but they can't really give you less support than they are already, right?
You might have a hard couple of years, but you can study, you can get a job, and you can make yourself a $150K earner as a PA/NP. Hell, RNs typically pull down over $100K. Everyone (normal) loves young people and getting a network of school advocates, college admissions, social work may help you more than this person who thinks he's breeding human livestock.
If he continues treating you this way, in some ways that is fortunate. Willa, I remember 2003 like it was 2013. It was very recent to me. You'll soon see this, and for sure Sperm Donor does. If he wants to never have holidays with you again, walk you down the aisle, pay for your wedding then FINE, that's what breeders of livestock do.
It sounds like he is treating you like he was treated as a child, child abuse comes in many colors. It IS illegal for him to make your 15 year old sister do this. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your dad or if he’s paying your college tuition etc but think carefully about what you decide to do. Take into consideration what, if anything, he pays toward your education and put that into your decision. If your applying for scholarships it doesn’t sound like it. Keep in mind that you are 18 and after you graduate from high school he might tell you to move out. Apply for a scholarship that will pay for housing too.
I wish you all of the luck this universe can offer. You are going to have a rough go of it for a while but I know you will come out the other side a better person no matter which path you choose. Just stay true to your heart.
love and light
I hope that you have now found a counselor. Also that you have been able to check if your Father’s mother can control her money, that she knows what is going on, and whether alcohol is playing a part in this. All those things help to provide you with factual support.
But what next. The first thing to realise is that Father cannot actually force you to do this care. You don’t have to go next door, or do what you are told. If your sister is willing, she can do the same. Father can’t actually manage this situation if you stop doing what you are told. You can just stop. You don’t have to be rude or to argue about it, just go on silent strike. For your own sake, perhaps don’t get to this point until the end of your school term. You don’t want to mess up your education more than you have to.
Father may tell you to get out, stop you eating, or mess up your bedroom. That might be the turning point for your mother, and he certainly can’t manage without her backing him up. If he threatens you, attacks you physically, or effectively forces you out of the house, you (and sister?) go immediately to the police station. Tell them what’s happened, with a best summary of everything that seems to be going on, including the house next door in his name and also your Grandmother’s money and alcohol abuse, if you have verified it from her or you suspect it, and his justifications and threats
The police will probably go to see your parents, and if necessary find you welfare accommodation. But like I said, Father cannot continue this if you (and your sister if possible) go on strike. Your mother will probably be very upset about the ‘shame’ factor, and could well be pressing for a sensible solution.
I hope it doesn't come to this, but it is well worth remembering that your father cannot actually force you to do this. Be brave!
Is she in diapers if there is feces all over I bet not and with someone with dementia its hard to take care of them I know this from experience it will get harder as the time goes on. I just lost a brother in law from covid but he had dementia and was in a nursing home because we couldn't take care of him right he was doing the same as your grandmother so putting him in this nursing home gave him the best care possible. I am a caregiver to the other brother who has dementia and the stories never go away. He isn't this bad but it will come a time where we will put him in a place.
The strain on you I can't imagine what you are going thru. Get a counselor to help with your feeling please. Talk to a school counselor tell them what is happening they may have suggestions that will help you and your family.
Your father has to step up to the plate it. Its on him if he wants to keep his mother there its about time he gets a professional in to take care of her. Your grandmother should have funds to take care of her.
Maybe its time to do a strike all of you that are taking care of her. Let your father be the one to take care of her to see what all of you go thru. I bet he would find someone or find a nursing home that will keep her clean and watch over her.
We have cameras in my BIL's apartment to watch over him maybe that is something you and your family need to do too.
Prayers that you get your life back. Prayers that your father gets someone in there to take really good care of her.
I would suggest talking to a school counselor, being aware that a report to child protective services might be filed. Educators much more familiar with that process.
A report of suspected elder abuse or neglect would be the best path - and the identify of the reporter is not revealed. Use the computer at school to find the local area on aging. Federally funded, this is how to locate the programs that can help you, your sister, and grandma. Protective services can determine if grandma is being neglected (definitely yes, by your description) and coax/force your dad to arrange appropriate care at home, or other interventions. They do have the power to go to court if nothing is being done. Often just the 'threat of being taken to court" motivates changes.
Eldercare Locator is at https://eldercare.acl.gov and enter your zip code.
Take good care of yourself. Will be thinking of you.
Please keep in mind - if for some reason college does not work out, or you can't get the funds, or loans etc. Or if you are accepted and wind up not wanting to be there ...
There will still be other options for you.
There will always be other options than wasting your young life doing what your family is insisting to do.
You could look into Job Corps. which is an organization that trains young people by providing work skills and a place to live.
And another option would be the Military which would give you lifelong benefits and an excellent background.
A third option is to be a live in Nanny. Or a live in job like working in a Group Home for the Developmentally Disabled.
When I was younger, women would marry to get out of the house. I don't think that is as common now as it was back in the "old days."
Or, even moving in with a lifelong friend to get a fresh start while job hunting.
I am throwing out these options because I know how expensive housing has become and how difficult it is to get a fresh start without any help in today's world.
The important focus is for you to get out of that household and live your life. Of course, College is your first and best option. But, please remember that there are other options to staying in that house if College doesn't work out for some reason.
Never give up - because there are tons of options available for you in your quest for freedom.
Is your grandmother on her states’ Medicade program? Medicade has a program called In Home Supportive Services. After the client qualifies they are provided a certain number of care services/hours paid for be the state. The provider and client has to apply. Background checks etc. once the provider qualifies they get paid for their time. You can select a person from the list and it can be a family member.
My husband and myself are qualified care givers for my BIL. I believe the current rate is around $14 PER HOUR. He is qualified for about 14 hours per week. Two weeks pay is around $400. Not just twenty.
Because of lots of crazy issues we had to pay for 24 hour care for my mom at home. It was $25 per hour. $18,000 per month.
You see where I’m going here. Are you getting $20 per hour or per week or per day? You are too young for this responsibility alone. Why does you dad not help you? Are there other children, grandchildren.
Take care of you. Good luck.
This worked for us because we consistently communicated with each other. We were open, honest and, most importantly, empathetic with each other. Remember, your dad is suffering through the decline of his mother. She was his rock in his life and he can no longer depend her. My sister is 65 years old and facing terminal cancer. She lives 1000 miles away from my mother. All she wanted to do was go see her mommy. Our mommies bring us comfort and love unlike anybody else, and even as older adults we crave that attention. Your father also sees his mother suffering and I’m sure he sees you and your sister suffering. He feels overwhelmed and does not know which way to turn.
You are 18 now, so in the eyes of the law, you are a full-fledged adult and are expected to act like one. Your father sees you as a child. My daughter was most effective in her communications with me when she approached me as an adult. This means she collected any information she needed and made a cogent case for herself. Your grandmother gets feces everywhere, which is not uncommon when dementia is poorly managed. Contact your local Alzheimer’s Association and find out as much information as you can about your grandmother‘s dementia, including what stage she is at, and what resources are available. Get your sister to help you do this.
I learned an important lesson in life when I was volunteering for an organization. People don’t want to hear your problems. They want to hear your solutions. Come up with some solutions on how your grandmother’s care can be better managed for the family as a whole. All of you are suffering from this, including your grandmother and your father. Put together some options and present them, with your sister, to your father. Visit some memory care residences. The Alzheimer’s Association can tell you about the different kinds and give you a list of nearby places. Make sure you include options that are financially feasible. I assume you don’t know what your father’s income is, but the house he bought for your grandmother is a resource for paying for her care.
Your father will have tremendous respect for you if you treat this in an adult manner. As for your college education, putting together a presentation like this will make you stand out with a college entrance committees. It will show a high level of sophistication, very high organizational skills, and tremendous empathy. It will also give you some excellent skills that you will use for the rest of your life.
I really don’t think going to college or high school counselors will help you much. They are overwhelmed with the number of kids suffering through the Covid crisis and there is a severe shortage of counselors. I also don’t think you should report your father for elder abuse because you can open up a huge can of worms that may create greater problems. Talk to your father as an adult first before doing anything else. Talk to him armed with information and you will be amazed at the response you will get. Please feel free to contact me directly and I can give you some more direction.
And lest we forget, there is an actual child involved here, OP's 15-yo sister.
So I'm sorry, but I disagree. She and sister have to tell their HS counselors to protect her and saliently this 15-yo.
I don't care which one of them is ethnically Japanese. Do you read any Japanese media? Because this is seen as abuse even in Japan.
She needs to take care of her and her minor sister. That is all. If Daddy wants to "make memories" with Mother than he can do it not only on his own DIME (actually part hers) but his own TIME. Let him deal with all the screechiness and waste throwing by himself, because he won't compromise with her one bit.
This really reminds me of an abusive cult situation. One in which she needs to get out of, and make sure the sister is not in.
I'm sure Sperm Donor will sit triumphant in that house that he robbed from Mother. He can enjoy taking care of her and not his OWN CHILDREN. In 15 years, they will have their own and nice careers to boot and not having to worry about this Dad taking one more thing from them.
Ever.
While I respect Maddie's way of the OP researching & presenting solutions in an adult way. I disagree this IS the solution. Why?
Because the responsibility does not lie with OP & sister.
Nor do they have the authority to make their solutions happen.
I come to this from personal ecperience. I volunteered to help - when I needed to withdraw I did as you said. Researched, found solutions & presented the info. Was told NO.
So I learner the only thing I could change about the situation was ME (not others).
I said no, withdrew my help & THAT was what forced change.
Perhaps if you move out soon, you can remove yourself from this responsibility and then maybe he'll realize he cant do it all himself either. The fact that he said you should pay for a nurse is ridiculous - matter of fact, he should be the one paying for a nurse. $20 is nothing.
She says ‘Why do we have families in the first place if not to care and nurture all the members?’
The idea of having a daughter so she can care for you in your old age is disgusting. The idea of having a child so that she can care for your own mother free of charge is so disgusting that the jaw drops.
She says ‘True families do not toss their elderly off as long as they can manage’. This shows nil respect for the large number of posters on the site who agonize for weeks, months and years caring at home until they are thoroughly burned out.
Let’s hope that we don’t hear from her again! At least, certainly not like this!
The most DISGUSTING of all is forcing your actual underage children into cleaning a house teeming with human waste for less a week than half a pizza's worth of money! How can grandma be making "too much for Medicaid" without him having to enslave his minor daughters over it? Oh, and these "family firsters" saying that for sure there will be "sacred significant memories" of Grandma if she, hey, gives up her prospects.
This is total gaslighting, and you said it Margaret, that bio dad is counting grandma's money in that house he's put his name on, assisted pay by her. He's now all "his house his rules" to enforce not little "no pot no boyfriend in bed" rules like regular hs, but actual daily slavery that she can't say no to?
I wonder how white Bio Dad would respond if his Asian wife's parents required the same level of need. I mean, the thought that Asian females are subservient is reeeaaaallly outdated.