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I totally understand and completely empathize with your feelings of guilt and betrayal. My mother was placed in a rehab/ nursing home. My mother had been disabled for many years due to an aneurysm and stroke. My dad and my sisters, we took care of her for years. She had fallen a few times here and there. That usually happened in the dead of night or early morning.
My sisters and I grew up and spent our teenage years into adulthood helping my dad with caring for our mom but we all moved out to go to school or work, marriage.
In February of 2021 my dad had a stroke and was going to be needing help as well. My sisters and I all stepped up to care for both of them with the help of a live in caregiver which ate away all our savings. Not complaining about that. That’s just what happened.
Everything was going ok. My dad got well enough to the point where we didn’t need the live in help so we got some help from IHSS about 124 hrs a month.
then my mom had a bad fall in the early morning and broke her hip. This happened in October of 2021. She has been in the nursing home ever since.
I always thought we could take care of her at home but after that fall, we knew that she would require more help than what we could give at home. We visit her all the time. She really is being well taken care of. I just wish We had unlimited funds to get someone to be with her at home but we don’t.
The tears are rolling down my face as I’m typing this.
I’m going to see her today.
I love her with all my heart as you love your mama❤️
I visit her weekly( I live over 100 miles away)
I bring her yummy food and take her out every time I visit.
You have done what you can for her and it is hard to let go but there comes a time when it is unsafe to keep them home.
This fall that broke my mother’s hip happened on our watch at 4 am.
Please give yourself a break. It is the right thing to place her in 24 hr care. The staff will be there for her at all hours of day and night. They will keep her safe. Visit her as much as you can. I unfortunately live far but if I lived closer I would be visiting much more often than 2x a week.
The best to you and your mama.💖
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InFamilyService Jul 2023
Thank you for the beautiful response.
At a point your very best and all your time and energy is not enough for their care. My dad passed in 2020 at his home with caregivers and hospice. Many hospitalizations, surgery & rehab proceeded his death. Mom followed him in 2022 but passed on day 2 in a very nice nursing home. She had become bedridden and had dementia. At present I am helping take care of husband's 94 year old aunt. She has 24/7 care and now hospice.

All this has taken a terrible toll on my health, stroke & heart surgery in 2022.
My sister has long haul covid after effects and many health issues she will have her entire life. Two other siblings are estranged and never even called.

Thankfully my husband has his only brother & wife very actively helping with Aunt.

One day at a time and just do what you can. Please take care of yourself.
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It is not you, but rather her body that has betrayed her.
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DesertRose7: You are feeling grief because you are human. The early morning hour of 1 A.M. when I left my mother in the nursing home was devastating to me as I had to go home (that wasn't my home) to an empty house many states away from mine. There is nothing wrong with you.
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My mother is not in a nursing home, but she is in a nice assisted living. But she's there reluctantly. She has guilt us for the whole month that she's been there. However, a couple of weeks ago she fell in the AL. She didn't fall hard, but slide and ended up on the floor and couldn't get up. The aide was making her rounds and heard, "Help me! Help me!" That's when they found her. I had never been more thankful that I had her there than in that moment. She forgot that she had the button around her neck to push for help, but because of their normal rounds they found her. Now, if she would have been at home, she would have laid there for hours. She would have been there long enough to be dead or her muscles breaking down and kidney failure starting. I know this because it's happened so many times before. Does it suck that she fell in AL? Yes. They will still fall. The difference is more people around to have eyes on them. I'm sorry that this is not what she wanted. But I'm also sorry that she never planned for this scenario either and just "hoped she would die of a heart attack in her sleep".
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You are not taking away your mom's independence, longevity and ill-health did that. All you are doing is making certain she is safe and comfortable. Your mom is lucky to have you looking out for her best interests. If you feel guilty about that, then we need to have a conversation!
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My mother had been living alone, underutilizing the care agency I’d engaged for her, and falling for 17 years. She finally fell 3x in a row and the hospital finally did not release her home She went to rehab, and I ( I am 400+ miles away) activated her LTC policy, without her agreeing . I helped set her up there, but cried every day, and felt guilty. It is a heart wrenching experience for us all, I think. Mom had been there 2 years now. She is wheelchair bound, and safe. Things get better, the sadness and guilt level out with time…. Take Care…..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
That has to be hard to manage things from afar, but you got it done!

Sending hugs your way!
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AlvaDeer gave me some great advice that you need to rethink your g words. It's not guilt but grief. I am grieving my mom (the mom I knew and loved and let's face it fought with). She is still there in bits and pieces but her body is failing her and basically turning against her. I am doing all I can to ensure her safety and care for her, but we take everything day by day.

You are a good caring daughter! You are giving her love, comfort, and safety just as she did for you when you were young!
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It is not over if you have placed her. When our family made the choice to place mom after she nearly burned down her apartment we all just made a promise we would still be in her life.

We visit often, we take her home for the weekends and holidays. When we go on vacations we take her. Now we know things will not always work like this but we make do with the time we have. We come by regularly to give her a bath, sing songs we brought her guitar and we play together. We made her room as close as we could to her apartments old room.

How I get through it, no matter how bad things may get my mom never gave up on us, and we will not do the same. Find the good moments when you can, and understand you are doing what is best for her , but at the sametime she does not have to be alone through it.
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