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Incontinence means facility. No exceptions. This should be everyone's line in the sand. With all her other issues it's well past time.
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
It does? In what way?
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She has no independence; you are compensating for what she can no longer do.

You are doing what is best for her and all concerned.

Upset is normal however you need to reframe your thinking, you are helping her not hindering her.

Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, with aging there is no better, there is no betrayal only your grief that she no longer is the person you once knew.

If necessary, get some therapy to help you through this difficult time.

Sending support your way.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you MeDolly. I appreciate your words. I see more clearly from all of the kind comments that my moms decline warrants this move. It’s best for her and for me and my family. I’ve actually missed the past 7 years of my grandkids lives because I could not leave my mom alone and she could not travel that far to visit them with me. I need to take my life back, knowing that all of her needs are being met by skilled caregivers.
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You? What did YOU do wrong?

Old age and the diminishment of our abilities comes to us all, whether we have children or no.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you BarbBrooklyn. Your words make absolute sense and helps me to come back to reality in this situation. It’s such a hard decision but these changes are inevitable and we simply need to move forward with them in this new stage of my moms life.
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Nothing is wrong with you. Change is hard and it involves someone you love. My mom has been in LTC since February and am so very thankful for the facility. She is cared for, eating, meeting new people, participating in activities and doing well. Most importantly for me - she is safe (she was not safe at home, alone).

Even so, at times I have flashes of guilt. Probably the realization that both our lives have changed and life won’t be the same.

Please take time for you - to process all these emotions. Wishing you peace in the midst of these changes.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Katsmihur. I appreciate you sharing the story of you and your mom. This helps me a lot. I know in my heart this is the right thing for my mom. Change is hard for all of us but I just need to focus on all of the benefits this change will provide for my moms safety and well being and for my sanity. Thank you for sharing.
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You would have betrayed her if you hadn’t found a place where she’ll get the 24/7 care she needs. What you’re doing for her is the kindest and most responsible thing you could be doing.

What is wrong with you? You answered that question. You’re stressed out of your mind. Stop rethinking it and give yourself the credit you deserve. Get mom where she needs to be and take her some cookies. The aides too.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Fawnby. I appreciate your answer and you have helped me to begin to feel better about this very hard decision. And, yes, I like your idea to bring mom (and her aides) lots of great cookies. I have all of her special Christmas cookie recipes and would love to continue her tradition of baking those cookies for everyone to enjoy.
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Its ok to feel upset that your mom is in this helpless and broken down condition......its not ok to feel as if it's somehow your fault she's in this condition, or that you've "betrayed" her by placing her in a safe care environment. She's been fortunate enough to have lived 94 years so far, but now requires more care with everyday life than you're able to provide her with, or that she can provide for herself. The realistic solution is a SNF that's staffed with teams of caregivers to meet her needs.

That said, it's natural to feel guilty and sad over having to make such decisions. Then we often get to hear guilt trip lingo from chronic SNF-phobic posters here on the forum who should be ignored. In a perfect world, we'd all die before old age diseases and conditions set in to a degree we'd need managed care or help wiping our own butts. But we don't live in a perfect world and often have to make hard choices from a selection of ALL bad choices. Such is life.

My mother lived in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life, in a wheelchair, with advanced dementia and incontinent with severe neuropathy in both legs. She was beautifully cared for by "her girls" as she called them, and had a decent quality of life, too. In her condition, it was the best of a bad situation. I didn't feel guilty about the situation, but I always felt sad and tearful whenever I saw her.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you lealonnie1. The story you shared about your mom was touching and encouraging. I am sad that things aren’t as they were when my mom was younger, but this new life is what is best for her needs and her safety. Thank you for sharing your story of your mom.
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I think your feelings are normal, but you also know she truly is not independent anymore.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you kellse. It is true, she has steadily become less independent over the past several years. I know logically having her in this facility is best to keep her safe.
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How can you possibly feel that you are betraying someone that you are trying to keep safe?
Her options at this point are allowing caregivers come in and care for her 24/7 OR go to Assisted Living if this is the level of care that she needs.
A "nursing home" is what is now called Skilled Nursing facility and it is for people that require move medical attention. Assisted Living is for people that need help with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living such as toileting, bathing, fixing meals, dressing and so on)

And you are not taking away independence, from your description she is not independent. What you are taking away is the Illusion of independence.
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DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Grandma 1954, thank you for your words. They gave helped me to better understand that this is what is best for my mom. Thank you.
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