We had a dysfunctional childhood, & mother went into rages, (chased me down & choked me when I couldn't get away). I was constantly afraid & angry, so I avoided her a lot by staying with friends. Nobody is left to visit her (in assisted living) but me & it's been awful. I was on medication just to cope, but I feel better without it, (except that means I can't tolerate visiting her anymore because of the panic I get). I'm unable to discuss this with her, & I can't afford a therapist unless I use her money. (I have power of attorney but I feel that using her money for my therapist may be dishonest). Please give your opinions.
For your own mental health you should limit your exposure to the toxicity. visit once a month. Limit visits to common areas or where there is other people and activities. If she starts in just say " I am sorry I have to leave" then get up and go.
No need to even get into a "discussion" because it will end the way all the others have in the past.
Heal yourself. And while I am on that subject have you looked into support groups? There may be some that might give you some insight. While not therapy just talking might help a bit.
But now I'm real serious about cutting down on my contact with mother, (cuz I can't control my fear without the meds). That's a good idea about the lawyer, I do have to get better informed. Thanks😊
Even if I wasn't able to afford the counseling, I would definitely stay away as much as possible. I have no desire to assist her because EVERYTHING that I have offered to do for her has become a battle. So I am backing off. It may sound harsh, but this is self preservation. My epiphany came when my daughter pleaded with me to stay away from her, because my daughter and son need be to be healthy for them, their spouses, and my grandchildren. That's all I needed to hear.
Stay strong...and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.
Considering this, I'd say a once a month visit in a common area is being VERY nice!
If you think she won't run out of money before she dies (do you think this will happen?), I would definitely not hesitate to use her money to see a therapist, because she caused the problem.
I say that if meds are needed to cope with an elder, then all efforts should be made to get out of that environment, instead of just going on meds (with the many side-effects they can have). In your case, that means going less-frequent contact.
And once a month might even be too much -- if it is, try going for six weeks between visits.
YOU count. YOU matter. Your mother is safe and cared-for in AL, so let her reap what she's sowed, which is little contact with you, the one she abused.
Why not tell her outright that she was so abusive to you during childhood that she does not "deserve" to be visited by you, and that the visits do nothing but upset you - so you are going to stop them.
You deserve to have your own life and be happy - not visit a mean-spirited witch who does nothing but bring you down.
I can understand how you would be hesitant to spend time with a person who verbally and physically abused you as a child to the point you had to move out. It doesn’t sound like it’s gotten much better.
Mom has dementia? Or lifetime mental issues? I would not feel guilty or obligated to visit her because there is no one else. Has her toxic personality driven everyone else away? It’s not your responsibility to be “the one”. She forfeited her rights by her abuse of you. And she’s still abusing you to the point you are developing your own mental issues. Break the ties. Visit once a month or less. Inform the nurses, or even the administrators of your plans not to visit and tell them you will be available for contact if needs be but because of her affect on your well-being you will no longer be visiting.
If you continue to expose yourself to this abuse, she will be more than happy to continue it. But she cannot if you take the responsibility for ending it.