My 74 year old mother is blind. She has been since she was 15. I have always had to be a caregiver in some capacity since a very young age. She has her own home and for the most part was doing good. She recently fell and broke her arm. I rearranged everything in my house and made her a bedroom. She is so ungrateful with everything. No matter what I do for her, something negative always comes out of her mouth. My husband can’t stand to be around her and works long hours and when he is home, he makes sure he is in another room or outside away from her. I have 2 kids, one is a toddler and the other has autism. I also homeschool and take care of livestock, my old arthritic dog that can’t walk good, a puppy, and a cat that has frequent seizures. I’m about to lose my mind. My house is no longer my house. The negativity is unbearable. She has siblings but they all say it’s the daughter’s responsibility for care. Nobody cares that I am at my breaking point. I cook 3 meals a day because I simply can’t trust food out since my youngest has severe food allergies. I figured my mother would be grateful for home cooked meals everyday but there is always something to complain about. She is constantly listening to everything that is said in the house and interjects her opinion in everything. This behavior causes my husband to leave the house. I can’t keep living like this, but feel it’s my “duty” to take care of her. My daughters are starting to complain about her and don’t want her around. I honestly don’t know what to do because she has nobody else. She is yelling at me because I want brush her teeth for her. I know she has a broke arm but she can brush her teeth with the other arm. She has been brushing her teeth for the past 5 days. Of course, I fix her toothbrush with toothpaste and put everything up. I did give her a shower but she found a way to complain, so it’s really doesn’t matter how much I do, it’s not enough. She constantly says she wants to go home but yet complains she can’t do anything with just one arm. She refuses to try to learn my house and just sits on the couch complaining and barking orders. All my kids are seeing is negativity and yelling from everybody. When my kids get mad at her, she says that I am teaching them to hate her. There is so much more, but I’m mentally and physically exhausted and at my limit. I am constantly told by her that I will regret how I’m acting and it will come back on me, simply because I am now refusing to jump and do everything she wants. She would have been happy if I had never married and had kids. I feel she wanted me to live with her until she passed and when that didn’t happen she started lashing out even more. She says horrible stuff to my husband and he is at his breaking point and has started yelling back at her. Am I being unreasonable for wanting her out of my house? I’m so guilt ridden.
Your duty is to your minor children and to your husband. Not your mother
Your mother is an adult. She needs to arrange for her own care.
I suggest you find a quiet mom to have a conversation with her (have your husband take the kids out).
"Mom, it's so clear that this isn't working out for either of us. It's time for you to arrange for some caregivers to help at your place, or possibly start looking at a facility where you can live safely and comfortably".
You have no reason to feel guilty.
People kill me with that old adage you will get evil down the road or you will regret what you said to me. Your life will blow up down the road bs. That is a manipulative ploy from some one gaslighting the H E double toothpicks out of someone to keep that person doing for them. You are in a FOG. Your mother is using fear, obligation and guilt to keep you in line.
Life is going to happen good and bad. It is not happening because someone said it would. I don't believe that one person has all this power to cause storms in people's lives. Who is she the Belle Witch?
I have news for you. No, it is not the daughter's responsibility to keep doing for parents. There are all types of help for people with disabilities. If people can find an easy way out and continue to use you, it is up to you to put a stop to it.
She should have been plugged into a program for the blind some time ago.
Tell her that she has been at your home long enough and that you've had enough of her complaining and disturbing behavior disrupting and upsetting your husband and kids. You have special need pets who need TLC. Give her an ultimatum go home with an aide in place or to a rehab.
- relentless negativity
- lack of empathy for others no matter what
- inability to express gratitude
- broken filter/no inhibitions
- "sundowning" (wanting to "go home")
- childlike behavior and attitude
First, you need to take your guilt and look at is as grief. You've done nothing wrong, therefore you should not allow yourself to feel guilty for anything. Guilt is for things illegal, immoral and unethical.
Call 911 and tell them she is acting strangely and may have an untreated UTI. Go to the ER with her and let the staff know she is an unsafe discharge because you are not her caregiver and don't intend to be. They will probably pressure you a lot to take her back to you home (and make promises of "helping you" that will not be true). Stay resolute and keep saying no.
Then ask to talk to a social worker about the situation and what it would take to transition her into an AL facility. Assuming you are not her PoA, the courts will eventually assign her a legal guardian who will then manage all her affairs and make decisions on her behalf.
What would be some immediate things to do? Because getting your Mom out of your house and into appropriate care will take effort, maybe be willing to let go of some things right now: find someone else to temporarily care for your pets and livestock. I'm sure you can think of other things.
I wish you success in getting her resettled. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/8/dementia-behaviors
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome
You can't fix it.
You are not responsible for the happiness of another person and you cannot create it.
Guilt requires causation and an evil intent not to fix what you caused; that isn't you so guilt is off the table.
Change out your G-works, because words matter. What you are feeling is grief. That you cannot help, that you cannot create happiness, that you have given your life and the wholeness of your life with your partner and there is no thanks for it. That is grief pure and simple.
You are a grownup.
Your first responsibility is to your life partner and the children you bring into this world.
If you don't honor that? THAT is worth feeling guilty about.
Tell your mother you have done your best for her, and it has not created happiness for either of you, and that she must now go into care where you will visit her as her loving daughter, not as her caregiver. Tell her there is no options in this, that it is your OWN decision for your OWN life.
What can happen? She can make you feel guilty with her accusations. But you told us you ALREADY feel guilty. So what can she possibly do to you.
Or, throw your own life away on her burning furneral pyre. She's only 74? It's gonna be a slow burn, and a whole lot of hellish heat I am thinking.
I am sorry to sound so brutal. But if you do not grab happiness out of this life it certainly will not grab YOU. This is your choice and only you can make it.
Discuss with hubby.
Think your way out of this now. Lay down the law as it will be. Move on with you life. You have given enough.
Back to her home she goes, and she resumes the life she had prior to her coming to live with you. Would you let a snake live in your home spreading poisonous venom? No, you would not. Your mom is the snake.
Send her a nice Christmas card. They have lovely audible ones.
Call her PCP and see if he can get in home health. Its not all day care but she will have OT to help her learn how to use her left arm. An aide 2 or 3x a week to help her shower. If she can afford it, hire an aide. She may qualify for Medicaid in home help. Call your County Disabilities Dept to see what she qualifies as a blind person.
Mother has been blind most of her life, and still has the use of one arm. Get her out of your home and back to hers and tell her why, too. Because her insufferable, entitled behavior has become too much to bear for all of you. Tell her to let you know when she's ready to start acting like a loving family member again and to issue you a Thank You for all you've done. Until then, she can hire some help in home to bark orders at.
The end. Mothers do not have rights the rest of society do not have. In fact, mother's should be grateful their children want to help them navigate their old age and infirmity at ALL. Not all do. And this is one big reason why.