Is she faking it or is this part of behavior?
I actually got a vacation this past week. My youngest two sons watched my mother so I could have some time to myself. When I got back today, Mom was on her way to the bathroom. After she came out, I went in to use it. She had messed the bathroom up again. Feces on the toilet and on the floor. I went out and asked my sons if they had to clean the bathroom while I was gone. They said they had no problems with her using the toilet. So is she messing up the bathroom because I'm back and knows I have to clean it or was this a true accident? I have asked questions on here before and got great answers and suggestions...finally taking a break was one. But her nasty attitude towards me has always been there. I'm not going to talk about that now. Thank you.
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You say she makes to much, has to many assets to receive any help but, that's not necessarily true. If you are not trying to preserve assets then you can do a Miller Trust and get her placed in a LTC facility.
Personally, real accident or intentionally spreading feces is a one way ticket to care. No way I could care for anyone that led me to wonder if this behavior was intentional. Take your crap to a facility! Bye-bye!
I worked at a Memory Care Assisted Living residence as a front desk receptionist. We had a resident named Cindy who was as sweet as pie to everyone, nice as could be. The moment her husband showed up, her fangs came out and she started cursing at him and calling him foul and disgusting names, in front of everyone. It was awful, he was the nicest man with the patience of Job. Again, she turned on and off like a light switch, knowing full well what she was doing, undoubtedly.
Many folks with dementia are shrewd and manipulative, there is no doubt about it. Unless they are bedridden and comatose, there's a good possibility mother is playing you like a fiddle and punishing you for having the nerve to leave her for a vacation!
Then i see her struggling with the simplest thing and I feel bad for getting upset. I need to mention, my mom is also a narcissist with mild dementia so there's that playing around in my head too. Talk with her doctor alone and see if you can get some advice, help, or whatever you might need.
So far, she can toilet herself and use her pull ups as needed. I'm not sure hoe I would handle poop everywhere but op's Mom seems like that was an on purpose thing.
I just skimmed your first post from March. Did the VA application go anywhere? You will never get enough from the VA to pay for a Nursing home. Maybe an Assisted living or Memory care if she gets a large amt in SS and pensions? Getting a Miller trust means Medicaid is involved. You can't have Aid and Attendence and Medicaid too. Both government programs. Medicaid pays more so A&A would drop. You may want to place Mom now on Medicaid. You will only need a Miller trust if her SS and any pension goes over the income cap. I would start the application and start looking for nice LTC facilities that take medicaid.
If you aren't with Mom when she toilets, maybe you should be. I gave my Mom privacy but I cleaned her up. Not one of my favorite things but it saved me from cleaning up after her.
My daughter calls them “ happy dumps “.
But a person , ummm , some would do this on purpose . I can’t say if your Mom did . However , the fact that this was done I would be sending Mom for placemat .
We had my FIL ( with dementia ) temporarily with us when we brought him from another state to be near us in assisted living . I got so tired of cleaning up poop fingerprints from all over the bathroom . I couldn’t wait for him to leave. He wasn’t doing it on purpose . He just could not take care of himself properly.
Then my guess is "No". This is likely a true accident. Maybe excitement at seeing you home.
Now, on to larger questions. I'm relieved you got this help, and got away a while. And that you endured no guilting while you were gone: that things are in control other than Mom's bowels.
I am reading a book now, free on kindle, a memoir not terribly well written, and quite devastating, of a man caring for his wife with early onset Alzheimer's (at 62). At the point I am now in the book it's stage 7a. She doesn't know him: keeps asking for her hubby. She has constant bowel problems. I keep asking myself how he, s/p one heart attack and multiple chest pain episodes throughout all this, goes on. Because of her bowel issues an actual bowel obstruction is missed with ignored abdominal pain, or misunderstood pain, or missed pain. It's a nightmare.
Only you can decide how long you can go on, and from what I am reading it appears many can go on with in-home care until they, themselves are dead. Please consider how long you can go on.
Your story reminds me of cat stories. I have had a lot of cats and a lot of dogs in 81 years, and never experienced it myself, but cat owners will tell you cats often will leave you "a mess" of feces or urine on the bedspread on your return. I don't consider them particularly capable of planning and reason. But who knows? Trying to leave you with humor!
My best of luck to you and please thank the kids and ask them to do it again!
The cat didn't have dementia, just a bad attitude.
I'm glad to see someone else ask this question. I asked something similar to this about a month ago. I think my dad did this as well before going to a facility. In my opinion it is something deeply psychological towards me because he as often treated others better than me. No one wants to clean up feces. He now eats things he knows will cause loose bowels( has accidents often) and he has to use the bathroom multiple times per day. I know the staff at the facility are fustrated. I know that this their job but I know it is challenging. He is on a limited diet but he takes it upon himself to go to the snack machine and eat things he is not suppose to.
Sounds like mom did this on purpose based on your sons saying she had no problems using the bathroom while you were gone. Time to start looking into moving your spiteful mother into a care facility.