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My bf and I are so happy to have found each other Altho late in life (mid 60s). We are loving & respectful and have a simple, fun and healthy lifestyle. We are each other's best friend and companion and are having the best relationship of our lives.
After 30 years, he and his wife agreed it was over and they separated. We had already met and after he moved out we jumped into this. Perhaps it was unrealistic to ignore but he put off filing for divorce. We have been together 18 months.



Now she has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s at 64 and bc she is not close to her siblings, and they are still married, he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what



I fear he will be the martyr and throw away the best years he has left. I’m trying to help by gathering info and reading and listening. Since I’m his happy place, he can only talk so much. I get it.
How can I understand and know if we dont talk deeply about this? Why doesn’t he get home care? He actually slept there all week bc she had a tooth infection and she wasn’t doing well with taking her meds for it and her Alzheimer meds.( I only just found a pill Dispensers with alarms on line). He’s worried what his kids would think if he left her alone and overdosed. I think he is exaggerating and not giving credit to his kids who would understand this is not entirely his responsibility. And would not expect him to be sleeping there since he has a relationship and a home elsewhere. And I think his adult daughter should take on more than every other Saturday… she cld sleep there some nights… she has no kids and lives in the same town They have money, he should have someone in there.



I think he is lacking boundaries and going to confuse her as well as overburden himself.



I wish there was some guidance for people wanting to help their estranged or ex spouse. Even if they were divorce I would expect and support him helping her bc he is a kind person and she is the mother of his kids. I would do the same. But I think he’s not proceeding in a healthy way considering they did not have any kind of intimate or even affectionate relationship for over 5 years before I met him. She didn’t want anything to do with him.
I think it’s very possible to help her while respecting our relationship. But this does not seem like a good start.
I am so worried for him and us. HELP:(

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I don’t think 18 months makes you a life partner. It makes you a dating interest.
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I knew someone, "Sandy," who had a five-year relationship with the man of her dreams. He even moved her 1500 miles to live close to him. He paid her rent, gave her money to spend. He told her at the outset that his wife, who lived in a facility, had Alzheimers. Wife was in assisted living for mobility issues. She didn't have memory issues at all.

Someone eventually told Sandy that he still saw his wife, and she said she knew that and that it was okay, since wife was in an institution and she didn't blame the husband for putting her there. Sandy had no idea that her boyfriend saw his wife at least once a week for dinner, hung out at the assisted living for social hour with his wife, took wife out to lunch twice a week and talked with her every day. To the very end, Sandy insisted that she didn't date married men, even though she freely admitted that he WAS married (maybe it doesn't count if wife has Alzheimers). Sandy was sure it was the greatest love of all time. It ended when he died.

This kind of situation is all over the place. Nothing new.
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Soworried,

I am curious as to why you would be attracted to a married man. I would have seen this man as a dead end road right from the get go.

Start looking at what caused you to get involved with him in the first place?

If a marriage is over the only fair thing to do for everyone is to get divorced. A man doesn’t love a woman he is having an affair with if he isn’t willing to divorce his wife.

Consider yourself as being used instead of being his “happy place” which I have no idea what that means. Nothing about this situation is “happy!”
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My daughter's 21 year marriage is unraveling because of the other woman. Her husband walked out on his underage children, the youngest being seven because he needs to live his best life.

I have no sympathy whatsoever for OP. She gets what she deserves.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 27, 2024
Hothouse, I have to say that her marriage is disintegrating because of her scumbag, cheating husband. Sorry, he is the one that took the vows and found a piece outside the marriage.

Are both of the adulterers guilty? You betcha but, he knew that he was married before she hit her back. It was all on him to honor his wife, he is now living his best life with.

Hope he catches something that makes an "it" out of him. ;-/
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You have a lot of great advice here. Take it. This guy may be the love of your life, but you are not front and center in his right now and not for the near future.

Avoidance is an action. It has consequences. He now has to deal with those. You also have to accept that he chose not to divorce his wife, for whatever reasons, and possibly cannot now.

You have no say in anything regarding his family. You can be supportive of his situation or bow out. You can love him, or leave him. What you can't do is change the reality of the situation.

I have chosen to help my husband's former wife on multiple occasions when she has needed it. Their kids are my step-kids, and sometimes they ask me for advice. If they don't, I have to keep my mouth shut. This is reality. Best of luck!
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First I have to say, my parents separated but remained friends (they shared children), still are and never bothered getting divorced until one wanted to remarry. It may not be the norm but maybe it should be.

Now on to SoWorried’s question. I would urge you to stay away from what you think their grown daughter and children should or shouldn’t do, there may be all kinds of reasons their daughter is doing what she can do and it really isn’t for any of us to judge her anymore than it is for us to judge your BF for not getting divorced yet. What does seem in order to me is your BF, their children and maybe his estranged wife to have a sit down and figure out how to handle her diagnosis and needs. If there is money for it either home help or IL that steps up to AL and memory care sounds like a good option now since it gives her time to settle in before she progresses further and it’s harder to adapt. I would tend to agree that him moving in and and out just seems more confusing for her and taxing her with the constant need to adapt. It’s going to become even harder as she slips into different time periods and thinks he is still her partner or boyfriend, harder for her to understand and it could become extremely awkward for him. Helping from a bit more of a distance is likely to cause her (the patient) less confusion and trauma. Just my opinion but his place in making decisions or being the lead in her care seems less appropriate, taking up a supportive, very supportive role seems far better for everyone. He can be her supportive friend, he can support their children in caring for their mom and he can take on at least some of the financial burden since their finances are likely still entwined but being the primary dish and bottle washer only makes things harder for everyone as far as I can see. I am assuming here that his children are well aware that their parents marriage relationship is and has been over and that everyone is clear that it has been for some time. How long have they actually been separated? Is it a legal separation? This may all have some bearing on where he stands legally and that is something he really should talk to a lawyer about so there aren’t any surprises. Hard as it is, knowing all the facts rather than not knowing but having a general idea, will make all o this less sticky for everyone. Remember while all of this does of course affect you it isn’t about you so resist trying to make it about you. Be his friend and give him guidance not ultamatives as you already know he is a caring upstanding guy and he isn’t going to abandon his “wife” or children, that’s one of the reasons you love him and my guess is he won’t abandon you either if you don’t back him into a corner he can’t escape from, even if it feels that way at times. Be his rock, his back up working behind the scenes, do research on facilities, help make appointments and get things in place if he or his children want and most of all continue being his sounding board. Hard situation, I’m sorry for all of you.
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In the poem , "Death of a Hired Hand", Robert Frost wrote, "Home is where when you have to go there, they have to take you in." Yes, there is guidance but you are not going to like it. It starts with, who is legally required to care for the person with early Alzheimer's? Since they have not divorced, it is her spouse-even if they are separated. Adult children only have a duty if she resides in one of the 30 states with filial responsibility laws and there is no spouse to step in. The next question is, "Who has her Durable Power of Attorney, her Health Care Power of Attorney, and her HIPPAA authorization? Presumably, she has all of her estate planning documents and they have been updated. If your person does not have her estate plan in order, she needs to see an eldercare attorney ASAP. If the Alzheimer's has progressed too far, she may need to have a testamentary capacity exam which is very expensive. She is really fortunate that her spouse stepped up to make sure she is cared for even though they are separated. It shows he has integrity. If he is spending the night at her house, he may feel it is not safe for her to be alone. As executive function declines, people with Alzheimer;'s often make very bizzare decisions or stgart to wander. The last thing to go by the way are social skills so it is often not evident to people who observe from outside the home. Of course the husband is frazzled and exhausted. That is the nature of being a Caregiver of a person with dementia. And more often than not, paid Caregiver's are a joke. Her husband may be giving up the best years of his life but that is his legal duty. Who would do it if he wasn't there.? Would you do it.? Reading about Alzheimer's is not Caregiving nor is it support. Joining an Alzheimer's support group would be a better option. Google Teefa Snow to explore resources. Your role at this point is to ber a good friend and perhaps offer to take her to doctor's appointments. At some point, she will be told she can no l.onger drive.
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PeggySue2020 Feb 26, 2024
None of this is a legal duty that any agency would enforce.
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SoWorried: An individual suffering from dementia should never be the operator of a motor vehicle.
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I applaud you for reaching out for help and for helping your bf with research. It speaks volumes of your character. He is a lucky man to have a wonderful woman like you in his life.

Let’s assume that you are living in America. Legally, their marriage is what is considered binding. In the courtroom, they are still married and are responsible for each other. Your strong relationship with him is not legal binding. On personal level, a 30-yr marriage is a long marriage, so you have to accept that there is still some connection between them. I would not get in the middle or you will end up on the losing side. Show him this post of yours on this forum and move forward with your life independently. No ultimatum; it never worked.
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You have only been together for 18 months. It sounds like he was married for many decades.

He is committed to taking care of his wife. It sounds like you are the mistress. If he was interested he would have gotten divorced and put a ring on it (married you.)

His wife is young at age 64 and probably in good physical shape. She could live another 20 years.

I would date other men that are truly available and legally divorced. It sounds like you are a nice person.

Move on. Date other men casually before getting into a relationship. Avoid dating men that are not divorced. They are not emotionally available.
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Are you in the USA or another country? If you live somewhere outside of the US it would be difficult for us to comment on this due to the different norms that you stated. However if you are in the US then traditions in your home country mean nothing. It may be just a piece of paper but in the USA it is a binding 'contract".
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 25, 2024
Amen.
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SoWorried, I have a couple of thoughts to share.

"he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what"
Probably both. Upon reflection, he may be rethinking what the real cause of the disconnect between himself and his wife. Could it have been changes due to undiagnosed Alzheimer's? If so, then it appears it changes the calculus for him. He MAY indeed feel guilty and embarassed to not help her now that he realizes she was ill. He may fear being thought of as that guy that bailed on his sick wife. If he knew then what he knows now, he may not have entered the relationship with you. However, he did not know she was changing because of disease and you two fell in love.

I know you came to this forum for advice about his boundaries and how he should be helping her. Did he ask for your help or opinion? If not, I think it is in your best interest to not advise him.

I can imagine a scenario where you two can continue on with your relationship, but it is likely going to look very different than what you imagined. And, that could bring you happiness as well. I wish all involved clear sight and wisdom in your choices.
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There’s no happy ending here for you. He’s married. No matter what you’ve let yourself believe about your affair with him, he is still married. Everyone here can speculate as to why he never divorced his wife but it’s immaterial. He’s married. You have no standing in his marriage. His obligation, and clearly his morals, dictate that he care for his sick wife. Forget counseling or anything legal. You cannot and should not try to influence him to see things your way. You deserve to have a whole relationship with someone who can fully commit. So pick yourself up, straighten your crown, move on and be awesome. Best of luck to you.
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Thank you for your clear overview of your situation.
I read Alva's in detail and agree with her overall.

While it does NO good in present time to consider your [past] decisions, and those of your lover, when he decided NOT to divorce 'back then' (and marry you or be legally untangled with his wife / perhaps available to marry you), it should have given you pause ...

Why didn't he want to divorce?
Why did he want a lover? (you)

There are reasons why he chose to do what he did.
If I were you, I would have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with him to find out what he wants to do (with you) and how he sees this situation moving forward with his wife's cognition/brain chemistry changing.

If he cannot be clear on where his alliance lays and he maintains the 'status quo' of the relationship he has with you now, there is your answer.

It depends on what you want - from him. You sound like a very kind/empathic caring person. That is admirable although, too, it is time that you put yourself first and decide what quality / kind of future you want (with him and / or without him). If you are okay being 'second' / not the primary person / partner in his life, then you may decide to stay - however he may or may not change his mind.

"If" he knows that you will leave him if he doesn't either divorce, which sounds unlikely, or doesn't make some changes (perhaps legally), and put YOU first, then you make your decisions based on that information.

As someone said below, if you can be 'his friend,' (and perhaps hers), then you accept the situation as it is (you are not his primary life partner; you are his emotional support / rock / intimacy partner - his lover.

Take care of yourself.
Be very direct and honest with him.
Tell him what YOU want and see what he says.
Be clear on what you want before having this conversation.

It might not be time for an ultimatum type conversation although everything depends on how you feel about being involved in this relationship as it is now, and how it will proceed knowing she will continue to decline. As well, so will both of you, if not cognitively/dementia, decline all the same . . .

and then what?
Will he be there for you?
Will you be there for him?
Will he still be legally married?
Will he continue to feel either obligated / guilt motivated to put his wife first?

As I often suggest, get into therapy to sort this out.
Perhaps with him or certainly alone if he isn't interested in joining you.
He may want / need individual therapy too - as I believe / think / feel that he is very emotionally torn and perhaps doesn't know what to do.

Gena / Touch Matters
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The fact that you’re not American and have different values may be the cause of your problem. I’m assuming he is American because you didn’t state otherwise. Therefore, the fact that he is still legally married trumps everything else. You, whether you like it or not, are not a “family member”. He most likely cannot divorce his wife in her state now. You may be on the sidelines waiting for years. As others have said, you cannot set boundaries for him, only for yourself. What are you willing to sacrifice for this “still married” man. How long will you wait and permit him to care for his wife? Also, if HE got seriously ill, you might not be allowed to visit him in the hospital. There are so many legalities to consider despite you not being bothered that he is legally married and you are satisfied with being his girlfriend. Even though you state there are no financial struggles now, Alzheimer creates expenses that may be greater than you think. Long term care is very, very expensive and many people end up going the Medicaid route, in which case the spouse will have to spend down assets. In my opinion, your worrying has only begun. I hope you find the solution that works for you.
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Looking at the finality of all this, all the choices, I would say they are yours for your own life.
This wife is apparently not far advanced. She will get farther advanced. And whether he sees himself as "husband" or not, he may be so involved in her care, he and his children, that you become a poor second.
YOU CAN'T be his GUIDE in this.
His decisions are his own, and so far he has made them for his wife and his family, not for you.

I would say this. You aren't a young thing any more yourself, nor is he.
If you can be happy being a good and supportive friend, then do so.
If you really want to be a WIFE?
That's not happening.
And your trying to guide how he should treat the woman WHO IS HIS WIFE is going to lead you BOTH to grief.

Don't give advice. It isn't your place. He is a grownup with a wife and children and capable of making his own choices and decisions.
No one can guess at his reasoning, and he may not be fully aware of it himself, but for whatever reason he has
NEVER DIVORCED THIS WOMAN. Not when she was well. Not now that she is descending into dementia.
It is unlikely he ever will.

It is on you what you can live with, but not to change him, because doing so will lead to dreadful resentment from his children and from himself.
It isn't for children to come back in to care for his spouse. It is for him to do so. As long as he is married to her. As you have said, you are of another culture, and I assume one where the children step in. In the United States, for the most part, the children STEP OUT. Sorry, that's my experience of it. They are busy with their own lives, their own jobs and children and vacations. They will be sure to be there when the will is read, bless them, but.........................
YOUR saying they should be there for the wife means ZERO.
HIS saying they should be there for their mother means ZERO.
It is unlikely to happen.
What is likely to happen is what you see happening before your eyes. His feelings of history, guilt, shared lives together may drive him back to attempt care of his wife.
You then have your own decision about/for your own life.
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TouchMatters Feb 25, 2024
One of the best, most insightful responses I've ever read here.
Thank you. and ... YOUR = You're.
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I would not push or give ultimatums, they rarely work in our favor. But I do think you have a right to know where u stand in all this. Being a former member (and u have been missed) you are very aware what a diagnosis of ALZ means. If this is something fairly new for him, he may just be overwhelmed at this point. He does need to know that she will only worsen and that a MC maybe in her future. Even spouses who love their partners have to make the decision to place them because it gets beyond their ability. She should be placed, at least now, in an AL since her girls don't want to step up to the plate. Then he helps as her POA. I don't see where he would need to give up POA to divorce her. She would not be able to assign someone else. I know a woman who years ago did not even know she was divorced. I think it can be a one sided thing. As long as he shows she will be well taken care of financially, I see no problem. When I divorced, my State required a separation of 18 months. He made that.

I found out years ago to use patience in a relationship. Never push the other person. Give them time to figure out things for themselves. Do not ignore those gut feelings though. Know when to step back. If a relationship is going to die, it will die a natural death.

DH and I were just telling our daughter how he proposed. He didn't. I said "Well are we getting married". He said "Yes I guess so, I am kind of curious". 42 years later we r still together. Yes, sort of lost my patience but he is a shy man.😁
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Thank you, JoAnn

That is how I was proceeding …
what’s the point in pushing?
That could end in resentment and doubt. One hopes the realization of one coincides with the needs of the other. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think I let it go too long and now that I know him so well - (he is someone that’s always ‘late to the party’) I realize I should have spelt it out for him, so that he could have some clarity about what we were each assuming.
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I read your reply to Alva where you wrote: "She still drives and is of sound mind - she is having memory issues..." Those are contradictory statements. Someone of sound mind does not have memory issues. His wife has Alzheimer's, not a head cold that's causing some brain fog. She's not distracted but rather her brain is breaking.

There is no cure for her condition. It's only going to get worse; her needs are only going to increase. Your boyfriend can buy her all the pill organizers in the world and there will come a time when she has absolutely no idea what purpose they serve.

They are married and their finances remain entangled so here is some blunt guidance for you to consider when you talk to him:

1. Is the house in both of their names? Or, if they rent is the lease in both names?

2. He can't just divorce a woman diagnosed with dementia and expect to walk away without having to pay alimony.

3. Is the car that she shouldn't be driving in both of their names?

4. What's going to happen if she causes an accident and their insurance company finds out she has dementia and her husband knowingly let her drive?

5. Confusion can come on suddenly. Who are the neighbors going to call if they find her wandering around lost, confused and in her nightgown? Probably the police who will call....yep, your boyfriend because he's her husband.

It doesn't matter what he said about his marriage being over. Things changed when she got diagnosed with dementia. Good luck.
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Thank you for those specific points. Was already aware but not everyone else is:).
Also, legally, ‘of sound mind’ means the person still has reasoning powers and capable of making important decisions. This does not go out the window once the short term memory starts to decline. Nor does cognitive function. They will all definitely get worse but not all at the same time.

About her possibly causing an accident and them not being covered by insurance bc he was aware…. Excellent point. I will pass that along
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Your boyfriends wife is NOT "of sound mind" with Alzheimer's and should NOT be driving a vehicle, just because she is! Short term memory problems create chaos in everyday life. Being familiar with dementia, you should know that. Bf is not going to "get her through this medication issue" because with AD, there will ALWAYS be issues, one after another! Things only get worse, never better, unfortunately.

You were hoping for guidance from us on how to help your bf set boundaries with his wife about what he will and won't do for her. That's up to HIM to decide how much he's willing to do. He can't demand his daughter take care of her mother to free him up! She likely has a life of her own, a job, maybe children and a husband etc.

Since they're not divorced, their finances are not separate. Bf can use their money to hire in home help to replace his presence. It's very costly, however. Just another good reason why, in the USA, divorce is necessary when a marriage is over. To protect assets and not have one partners money lost to caregiving of the other.

Married "on paper only" STILL means he's married. And he's still acting married by attending to his wife and sleeping at their home at this point in her disease? Alzheimer's can go on for 20 years. I personally think YOU should ask HIM what his intentions are moving forward! What exactly does he plan to do for his wife, does he plan to move in with her full time now and see you occasionally, or what? He needs a solid plan here. If he wings it, he'll be with her 24/7.

The "guidance" comes from his heart, nowhere else. Nobody can tell him what's right or wrong to do in this situation to make everyone happy, it doesn't work that way. Let HIM figure out what to do and let you know. It's about all you CAN do at this point. If his terms are acceptable to you, great. If not, move on.

A disease like AD can throw a big monkey wrench into getting a divorce or separating lives after 30 years. He may want to speak with an Elder Care attorney for some REAL guidance here, and legal ramifications about when it becomes too late TO divorce when AD is in the picture.
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See So Worried's response to me/us below.
I think the added information she gives us there about this gentleman, about who he is gives a different perspective.
At this point it's just my humble opinion that this relationship WAS over. Whether because of his children or otherwise, he just never did the divorce. Because her own culture would say little in that direction our OP was comfortable with that.
I think possibly this gentleman feels a real obligation to see his first wife through this, not only for her sake but the sake of the children.
And I think he does look forward to a future with his new love. And think that her behaving utterly honorably in terms of the first wife, who now is faced with the loss of her very SELF, would give some chance to a good relationship with this gentleman's children going forward.

For what it is worth.
And I SURELY do appreciate the OPs response to us with her added information.
I think it is of great value in this situation, so would ask responders to read it below.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 20, 2024
If the relationship was over, it’s all the more reason to get a divorce before starting a new relationship.

Why hang onto a dead marriage? Why not show the new woman in his life that he respects her by getting a divorce?

I would be asking myself why wouldn’t he want to get a divorce so that he could be with me free and clear of a complicated relationship.
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SoWorried,

Could you ever behave the way your boyfriend has? If you were married to someone and that marriage was over, how would you handle it?

Would you start a relationship with someone else without getting a divorce first or would you get divorced first and then move on?

I can’t imagine being married and starting another relationship with someone else. I wouldn’t feel that it was fair to anyone involved.

You’re being used by this guy. Find a man that is free to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Tell this guy to get a divorce or go back to his wife.

I am curious why you were attracted to this man in the first place? Did you know that he was married? Were you deceived by him? Did he not tell you that he was married when you met him?
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KNance72 Feb 20, 2024
A Lot of Men want to have their cake and eat it too and tell you stories . I Know because I have met a few of them . Or you go On 4 dates and then suddenly they tell you " They are Married But are getting a divorce . " Such garbage - Or they Live separately ( another Lie ) I have Not dated in 16 years . Eventually these guys go back to there wives or they never left their wives in the first Place . Her situation is Messy.
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So sorry, I’m a bit old fashioned. I happen to believe in marriage vows and take them seriously. Otherwise why bother getting married?

Before he got involved with you he should have divorced first.

Judging from his behavior he will not be leaving his wife.

You should plan your life accordingly.
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So Worried:
Some twenty individuals have responded to you, taking their time to give you some input.
Can you reassure us that you are still engaged with the Forum, and digesting the input? Would love to hear your second thoughts, if there are some.
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SoWorried Feb 19, 2024
Hello,
I am appreciative of all the comments - it’s so helpful to hear so many POVs
i am still digesting all of this
It’s also difficult to give all the detail of the trajectory of our relationship which has great bearing on the situation.
I was surprised to see so much focus on the legal status. On the one hand, yes, he is married and that trumps all and he is doing the right thing etc. On the other hand, he was very clear about the finality of the marriage and( without any prompting from me had stated he would never be going back, they agreed it had run its course and he had already moved on.
Perhaps I have failed myself in not insisting on an explanation as to why he didn't make a move towards making this legal.
I am not American and where I come from, legally marrying is often bypassed. We live together as committed partners and we have children etc.
So, I did not feel like the Other Woman. We have plans for the future and he was always the one discussing the furure - not me. He is a reasonable thoughtful person and treats me like a queen. Some are scoffing at this sentence because how can I feel like a queen while he is married to someone else? Because he is married on paper only. I know what those legal ramifications are and yes I’d like him to get unmarried. But that doesn’t negate our relationship.

I was hoping for some guidance and support on his behalf so that he could feel like it’s ok to not be on a 24 hour watch, that it’s ok to ask for a BIT of help from a grown daughter
and that he shouldn’t feel guilty about going home at night to where he actually lives…. She still drives and is of sound mind - she is having memory issues at present - and he’s worried about her messing up her meds. I also think - which no one has picked up on - that it could be confusing and unfair to her to suddenly be there for 2 weeks and then just as suddenly not be once he’s gotten her through this medication issue. Maybe I’m being too reactive myself - he just needs some time to get her set up better - pill dispenser with an alarm and some outside help etc. and that does take time to arrange. I’m familiar with dementia.

So In fact, the question I asked was not to solicit comments about the nature of our relationship, but to hear some helpful tips to guide him in this delicate situation - duty to his wife which I do not begrudge him while maintaining some sense of his own new life with the person he wants to have a future life with.
I would expect him to treat her with the same regard even if they were divorced.
for example… I think he should go home at night and not sleep there just bc it’s more convenient than going home at 11:00 and driving back at 7:00am. I have absolutely no fear of any intimacy between them. I 150% trust him. I know the house and I know where he sleeps. This is about maintaining boundaries so that she understands why he is there and why he goes home at night. She doesn’t retain new information well and is forgetting some events from the not so distant past.

thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer. I have read a few other good answers and will reply to them as well.

if possible I will direct them to read this response to your email

Thank you very much
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Naive idealism vs Bitter realism. The pendulum swings.

This is a heartbreaking story. Alzheimer’s is such a beast. We know that it is reported that sometimes as long as 10 years before diagnosis the symptoms have been developing. Sometimes, perhaps even often, change in intimacy is a symptom. Five years ago we were going into a pandemic that shook the world.
We all lost our minds to one degree or another. The fallout will continue forever. Then for this family, and many others affected by shootings, disease, opioids, etc. the pain is magnified.

The father, husband, goes AWOL for 18 months until what? He is just now hearing that his wife has been diagnosed and he’s gone home to administer antibiotics? That sounds a bit weak. But truth is stranger than fiction we are told.
In all this talk of lack of boundaries and sacrifice and guides and responsibility there are a few known facts that stand out.

The man in question is married, has been for 30 years, still is and finally appears to be setting boundaries for his own conduct and accepting responsibility for the family he has spent 30 years building.
He may have strayed, the kids may not forgive him, but he is so needed where he is that I can’t help but wish for this family a semblance of normalcy in the most basic of ways.
A true, legal, tenured partner tending his sick wife, a father setting an example of what it means to make a commitment to a family and not expecting his children to carry his water.
A clear head to manage the maze of Alzheimer’s and care for a wife that though diagnosed with a terminal illness could live another 20 to 30 years.

A relationship is more than a case of “finders keepers, losers weepers”.
There is no idyllic outcome here.
The true baggage of what comes with Prince Charming must be dealt with and by now you are most likely waking to that reality.
Even if he wanted to run away with you, which it doesn’t appear he wants to, his finances are tied up and he must not be willing to just live on love, right?

There is always a book in my world that needs to be read for almost any problem as most problems have been experienced and this one is no different.
Only your pain is fresh.
The book that comes to mind is a quick read. “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” by Peter McWilliams. Read it now for the loss of the glow on the last 18 months. You can decide later on if it was an illusion all along.
Start there.
Understand that it is never the other person who “must” this or that. It is always we, in this case you, who “must” establish boundaries, be responsible, not be a martyr etc etc.
The guide you are looking for was there all along, knowing he was a married man. I know that’s not convenient but it still matters to some, hopefully most.

What comes next remains to be seen and Medicare covers therapy.
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
So well written - i enjoyed reading this!!
My lovely man is financially more than comfortable and his wife has her own great pension - nobody is going to financially suffer or lose out here in the case of divorce. They earned equal incomes throughout their careers.
The Children are long gone and were not surprised or angry or upset about the split.
Yes he is stepping up and doing the right thing…. Is there any material he can read … or advice from anyone as to how to balance ensuring her care and safety while in another relationship?
Is there a difference between my bf caring about and helping wife
and my husband caring and helping his ex wife?

I was hoping to hear from some people how they or their spouse or GF/BF handled helping an ex (a legal divorced ex or a separated ex). Morally, it’s all the same to me especially if that person had no other family and they had children together

thank you :)
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Oh girrrrl. 

There is a reason he didn't file for divorce as soon as he moved out. It's not like a to-do list... Grocery store, get gas in car, file for divorce. Filing takes effort. Like it's a chore he never got around to doing. He may have left the wife with an impression that this was just a separation, be it on purpose or from her not understanding. Me, I'd demand he at the very least file for divorce before making any commitment. 

I do see why he looks after her. Especially with her being the mother of his kids. Example: my in-laws divorced in 1975. The father remarried. When my MIL died suddenly, we called to tell him. He broke down and cried. Even with the love lost, he respected my MIL as the mother of his sons and always spoke highly of her. 

He said he worried what his kids would think if their mother overdoses because he wasn't there. Are the kids mad at him, you, or both? Parents breaking up is hard, whether the kids are little or grown adults. If the kids are mad about that, they probably are even more mad at YOU. So it kinda sounds like your boyfriend is still doing damage control with the kids. Like it or not, you are still the 'other woman'. You say you're like two peas in a pod. I'm sure it feels that way, but the fact is he stepped out on his marriage. What would stop him from stepping out on you later? The odds aren't in your favor here. I'm going to predict that he will eventually move back in with her. Not to rekindle the marriage, but as a caregiver. Doesn't mean he will dump you; it's that he sees his wife needing him. He'll expect you to wait in the wings until she dies. 

There's little you can do on your end to change his mind. He still has one foot in the door of the wife's house. You see him as a “life partner”. He may not see it that way.
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Neither spouse filed for divorce so what’s the story with that?
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Haha. The only answer to make me laugh in its simplicity!! Thanks.
I am not American and where I come from, legally marrying is often bypassed. We live together as committed partners and we have children etc. 
So, I did not feel like the Other Woman. We have plans for the future and he was always the one discussing the furure - not me. He is a reasonable thoughtful person and treats me like a queen. Some are scoffing at this sentence because how can I feel like a queen while he is married to someone else? Because he is married on paper only. I know what those legal ramifications are and yes I’d like him to get unmarried. But that doesn’t negate our relationship. 

BUT….Perhaps I have failed myself in not insisting on an explanation as to why he didn't make a move towards making this legal. I did just assume that’s what he do eventually bc he said was at peace with his move; they had done a great job raising a family but they no longer wanted the same things in life and he was done and ready to move on. I never asked him - he volunteered this info several times.
and I know he’s allergic to paperwork and complication (fact but def not an excuse!). So I cut him some slack and didn’t push.
my mistake. I deserved an explanation and some kind of plan of a time line.
why didn’t she file? I know she didn’t want to divorce. Status quo - what wld the neighbours think? Quite selfish of her considering she was quite happy to have him leave - oh yes, have a nice life, but I don’t want you to be free. She didn’t want anything to do with him - including groceries or cooking or eating meals together or conversing .. and no intimacy at all. A lot of older marriages are sexless - many of my friends - but they love each other and are good companions and there is intimacy that way with hugs a being together. They had none of that at all. She wouldn’t even put sun tan lotion on him!!!
so ya, move out, have sex but you can’t have a future with someone bc I don’t want to get divorced. WT*?

of course it only takes one person to file and get divorced so she can’t stop him but he just kept avoiding it and I know he didn’t want hurt her feelings. Which is SO WEAK. I admit. His one and only fault. The dear man never wants to hurt anyone.
so that’s why…..
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He's married to her, not you.

That should give you an idea of where you stand in this scenario.
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waytomisery Feb 18, 2024
And he stayed overnight all last week with his wife.
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As I read through your post, I find that I have a lot of questions.

We can’t possibly put together a puzzle if we don’t have all the pieces.

Go directly to your partner to get your answers. He is the only one that can accurately tell you how he feels about this situation.

Hopefully, your partner will be honest with you about his plans. Then, you can plan your next steps accordingly.

Personally, I would leave his children out of the equation. This situation is something that is between you and your partner.

Neither of you have the right to decide how much his children should be involved in the care of their mother.

His children are capable of deciding for themselves how involved they wish to be. Their wishes should be respected by you and their father.

Life is never simple. There will always be challenging times.

Honestly, I don’t think you went into this relationship with your eyes completely open. Open them now, talk to your partner about this situation and anything else that is important to you.

Please don’t make assumptions about your future with this man based on being with him for only eighteen months.

You’re not married to him. He’s legally married to another woman, even if he isn’t living with her. I would be asking myself, why hasn’t he divorced his wife if he wants a future with you?
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Hi and thank you for your even-toned and judgement free comment. I appreciate it.
so many people have focused on this legal aspect with no help on the information I was seeking to begin with.
please read the answer I gave to Southerwaver, 97yr old mom and Alvadeer ( in that order scrolling back).
thanks again
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If he does not get a divorce and the share ANY property, her dementia might bring her to long term care at on average 12k per month. She will drag his finances down. There is also limited time to get a divorce as her memory goes downhill. He need to see a lawyer ASAP
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I think he’s already shown you where his loyalties lie. This could go on for years .

Don’t give it a lot of time for him to figure out how to get care for his wife that doesn’t impede on your relationship , or include him doing the caregiving . Otherwise . I would walk .
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SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Yes her illness is expected to go on for yrs. 3-11 for EOA. average 8.
She will be going into a memory care facility. But she’s not there yet. And I hope he waits until she has lost familiarity with her own house. Unless she’s unsafe before that. He agrees with me about getting home care. They can afford it so I think it’s the kinder thing to do. I’ve been thru this with my mother.
But what to do about this divorce thing???? I do know she has to be of sound mind. Or later he will have to give his POA over to someone else to rep her in divorce. What a sad mess
…. I regret pushing him but I said I would not.
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