Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
His kids should take on more than they are. Your man and his wife both wanted to call it quits before she was sick. There were reasons why they wanted to split and he would do well to remember what they are. Her getting early-onset Alzheimer's should not affect that decision that has already been made.

There really isn't anything you can do and I'm sorry to say that. He has to make a decision. Either he's going to get on with his life as he planned. Or he's going to be a martyr and become a care slave to the wife he was going to divorce.

You can still have a relationship with him, but it has to be on your terms.

Many former spouses help take care of an ex when they are sick. I did caregiving for my ex-husband when he was ill and I was remarried to someone else. Nothing wrong with that.
When you're dealing with it being Alzheimer's and dementia the taking care of them can go on for years. Even decades.

How many of your good and retirement years do you want to spend with a man who will not be able to be a good companion to you?
One who will not be able to share a home with you, or take trips together, or socialize, or even just go to dinner with you unless he arranges ahead of time for someone to babysit his wife with Alzheimer's.

You and your boyfriend have a lot to think about and talk about. You know what they say though. There's better fish in the sea than have ever been caught.
At this point in your life, you should be enjoying your life. Don't waste it on a man who won't make a commitment to you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
Dear Burnt Caregiver
Thank you for your kind response
you are on point.
I really should have pressed for something more firm - I’m afraid I’m one of those ‘I want it to come from him so I know he really wants it’ girls. He asked me not to push and so I didn’t. But that was along time ago and I should have thrown that back onto the table. I know he loves me deeply it shows every day in his actions. But yea. We must now talk if it. :(. I hope he can help his wife, AND do right by me.
thanks again.
best answer award.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I have a feeling they separated due to her Dementia and perhaps she wasn't properly diagnosed yet . The Fact he did not divorce her speaks Volumes . Often times men tell Woman " they are separated and awaiting divorce " Thats when I show them the Door - come Back when you are divorced otherwise you are being used .
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 18, 2024
Nor neccesarily, KNance. Many older people don't get dicorced for all kinds of reasons. Like insurance. That doesn't mean that they're together or have any intention of getting back together.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
When my first husband was in the early stages of dying from cancer, I went to his place to see him several times, helped to split some of his belongings, and we got on better than we had when we separated 30 years before. There was still an emotional link, and the memories of the great things we did when we were young. We didn’t talk about the problems since then.

BUT:
1) There was 30 years of separate living (and many problems), not a fairly smooth slide from marriage to separation. And of course the divorce (though admittedly that took 10 years because I refused to do the legal work for free and pay for half the costs).
2) After seeing him, I left and went home to my own life. I never stayed in his home or his daily life when he was ill.

Your BF has regressed to being a married man in a marriage that’s got problems. You have regressed to being a girlfriend on the side, hoping that you may turn into Wife Number 2 at some time in the future. You have no real links except getting on well with him (which is normal for a GF on the side).

Is this what you expected? Is it where you want to be? Step back and look at what is now a different relationship. Would you ever have taken it on willingly?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

The guidance I would give you is to find a man who's not married to get involved with. This does not guarantee he won't care for a sick ex wife of 30 years, however, should she need it. Just reduces the chances of it.

We've read stories here of divorced people who STILL care for their exes out of love and a sense of caring after a lifetime of togetherness and memories. 18 months of fun cannot and will not override 30 years of marriage, in many cases, especially since he's still married. If he has any sense of decency about him at all, he's doing the right thing by caring for her now. As it currently stands, he's having an affair with you and his allegiance is to his wife.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
KNance72 Feb 18, 2024
True
(4)
Report
See 3 more replies
There is a saying; "Never give a boyfriend husband privileges." I can share my folk's tale here. My father packed his clothes and left my mom and my disabled sister. No word and no forwarding address. He took the checkbook. Mom worked sometime in her life but not long enough to draw her own benefits, so she was totally dependent on dad. I think she held up pretty good under the circumstances. She continued to work in her garden, keep up with housework, and take care of younger child. Fast forward, mom got sick and died. Five months later dad married woman who was a few years younger than my older sister. I had to take over mom's duty taking care of the house and younger sib while I worked full time and went to college. Eventually, I had sister placed. I can tell you that dad had this side chick since I was in middle school. This woman was about twenty. Dad was about fifty. Dad never wanted a divorce and later told my mom that he was planning to come back home.

Never be a side piece for a man no matter what age. He never got a divorce so he is still legally obligated to his wife. Vows say; "In sickness and in health."
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 18, 2024
Scampi,

Your first sentence is brilliant! I so agree with never giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges.

Sometimes, women get caught up in their own little dream world filled with delusional thoughts. Or perhaps they were deceived by a man that they were attracted to.

Even if a woman makes the mistake of giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges, she can still take control and can turn it around and walk out of a situation that is destructive to her well being.

I am a big proponent of walking away and have a person who shouldn’t be in our lives, becoming nothing more than a distant memory.
(3)
Report
Within my circle of acquaintances:
Case #1 - GF lived with a wealthy married man for 35 years. He had a wife and 4 kids on the other side of town. By the time GF was 30, he'd bought her a hideaway for the two of them, where he could park his car unseen. They traveled, he bought her more property, made her rich. But when he got sick, he went home to his wife, who nursed him through his long death of Parkinson's. Case #2 - Man left wife ten years ago, separation not divorce, moved in with KS. Love, all smiles, good times, travel, lots of drinking and him taking over her money. Man still took his wife to doctor appointments and attended family events with her. Wife died, he was there. Obit listed as husband, which he still was. Finally he's a widower who surprisingly!! has no intention of marrying KS, so they split. He's in her house and she can't get him out. She moved to a new place and at 75, looking about 90. She's now an alcoholic. Case #3 - Guy moved in with divorcee, fun and good times with her young family. Can't get him to commit but this love of a lifetime will work out. One day he shows up, packs all his things, walks out without a word. She hears the gossip; he moved back in with his ex, who she thought was out of the picture but never was.

A side piece is what they used to call it.
"But it's different with us!"
Usually it isn't. That's sad.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Southernwaver Feb 18, 2024
But queen Camilla gives hope to all side pieces everywhere 😛
(10)
Report
See 5 more replies
So Worried,
I am writing this for your sake, and I am not criticizing you. I fear you are being used.
It seems that it was very convenient for your married man to move in with you. This gave him a rest and relaxation from his non-functional marriage. It is a red flag that he never made an honest commitment to you. Is he even legally separated?
You have been spending time with a man whom you treat as a husband. However, you don't have the benefits of marriage. You have no legal status. I bet you're not in his will. If he has a pension, are you named his beneficiary? You may be willing to take care of him in sickness and health. But what is he doing for you? It seems he can't even commit to a "deep conversation." I suspect he is evasive with his answers and perhaps not truthful. I think you need to contact a good therapist. ASAP. You may find relationship coach Jonathon Aslay (YouTube) and his books interesting.
johathonaslay.com/midlifelove.
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I am concerned for your well being. This man's obligation is to his wife and he is showing you that. This must be very hurtful to you. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
KNance72 Feb 18, 2024
BIG RED FLAG = still Married
(8)
Report
From your profile: "...We have been together 18 months. I live with him part time bc I have elderly parents out of town..." So, your commitment to your elderly parents is why you live with him part-time yet you cannot understand his commitment to his wife?

You also want his daughter to step up so you can have more of him yourself. You believe that because his daughter has no children more of the burden of her mother's care should fall on her and free up her father's time for you.

You've only been in this relationship for 18 months. Sounds like you went in with concerns that he didn't divorce her and well, now your worst fear about him is coming true. And you won't be honest with him about what you feel so you speculate about what he thinks.

There are so many levels of denial going on with you, with him, with you both as a "couple". Give him the space and freedom to deal with his wife and family.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

As everyone has pointed out...this is his wife and as such, his responsibility. You don't get to decide how much his kids participate.

Honestly this will not end well for you. You need to have a frank discussion with him but ultimately I think this relationship is doomed. It is very telling that he did not go forward with the divorce. When I got a divorce, I couldn't get out of that fast enough. When my current husband got divorced from his last wife...again it couldn't happen fast enough. This man never moved forward on his divorce while developing something with you. Why?
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

It actually doesn’t matter who you think should take more shifts with her.

She is the mother of his children, his estranged wife who he was with for 30 years.

He might be feeling some guilt because maybe he started his affair with you because of her behaviors, which now make sense because she has been diagnosed.

I think you are to the part where it’s: if you love him, let him go. If it’s meant to be, he will come back.

I’m sorry for you that your happy and carefree relationship is no longer. I’m sure it was lovely and how nice in your 60s you had that for a time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
many things to talk about…
on top of all this my mom just passed away.

I will get all my answers and then I will decide.
If not, I will be vey sad and back away.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
We all know why he didn't divorce, after 30 years he would have had to pay alimony. Sorry, ALZ does not spring up overnight, there were probably signs before he left.

As said he is still married to her. Your going to need to give him space to figure this all out. She may need to be placed eventually. That means splitting of assets. You may need to be his soft spot to land. A place to go and a person to be with that is there for him. No telling him what he should or should not do. A place to go where he can forget about caring for her. Its up to him and his children to figure out how much of their time can be given for her care. Up to them how they proceed.

If you cannot be his go to person, then u need to tell him. But, I would wait before I throw a good relationship away. You could try to find ways to help to lighten his load. Maybe u can grocery shop. But, you will need boundries so ur not taken advantage of. Don't feel guilty if you find you cannot be with him anymore. Thats OK, he really is not free.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
SoWorried Feb 20, 2024
😌
(1)
Report
Since I'm his happy place, he can only talk so much, I get it. WHAT?

Happy places are created by open honest communication. If he has gone crickets about his wife's situation, that he has planted himself squarely in, you should be very scared and prepared to be further used by this male if you don't step up and speak out.

I would recommend leaving what you think his children should do out of any conversations; because you are already seen as an interloper in their parents marriage and trying to guilt them into stepping up will only be more of a wedge. It is not their responsibility to prop up their mom, that is a husband's position.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 18, 2024
Amen.
(4)
Report
She's his wife! There's a reason he never filed for a divorce. That's because he wanted to stay married to her! I can't imagine telling a man, "You shouldn't be taking so much care of your wife, who has Alzheimer's Disease. Your daughter should be the one taking care of her! After all, your daughter doesn't have any children and she lives nearby. So stop taking care of your wife and let your daughter take over!"

This is what happens when unmarried people date married people. The married people are married for a reason - they like the status quo.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

Your boyfriend (the married guy) needs to sign up here and get advice about how to manage a spouse with dementia.

He needs to see an Elder Law attorney in his state to see about dividing his and wife's assets so that she can be eligible for Medicaid after spend down.

He needs to be talking to a professional third party (therapist) about how to decide what level of involvement he can sustain in caregiving. He (the spouse) is the one with an obligation here, not the children, despite what you think.
Helpful Answer (23)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 18, 2024
I love this advice.
(7)
Report
This gentleman isn't an "ex spouse". He is a married man.

Often in a relationship we make up what the other person thinks.
You are doing just that to an extraordinary degree.

You tell us that you cannot discuss this with him.
Then you tell us what you THINK he thinks.
You tell us what you THINK, if he THINKS that, he should do.

A) This isn't an ex-spouse.
This is a spouse he never divorced.
B) He won't discuss this with you.
He has children with this woman, and they all are dealing with a spouse/mom with dementia.

Now on to what I THINK.
I think that you need to bow gracefully OUT OF ALL OF THIS.
I would tell this gentleman that a lot has fallen on his plate, and he clearly has to come to some settling of his mind how to proceed forward with his life in all of this.
I would tell this gentleman that he has my utter sympathy, that he must feel in a state of shock, and that there are cognitive therapists out there or licensed social workers in private practice to help him deal with this life transition.
I would tell this gentleman you care for him, but simply cannot be involved in this, cannot help with his working it out, cannot help with his decisions.

Then I would get on with my life, and stop making up stories about what you think he thinks and what you think he should do.
He never divorced this woman.
That was no accident, is what I myself think.

I am so sorry. But leave him be. He is suffering enough confusion, and his kids need him now. Wish him the very best. Move on.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report
NYDaughterInLaw Feb 18, 2024
Very much agree.
(5)
Report
Expecting her kids to help more is pointless. If they don’t want to be caregivers, they won’t. It’s a tough job, and they might not want to tie themselves down to a long haul. She could live another ten or more years.

Your boyfriend is her husband, and he apparently takes that seriously. This speaks well for his character. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look good for your relationship. If he’d wanted to divorce her, he would have. He didn’t, and you consequently have no claim on him, nor can you expect him to do what you ask. You might suggest that you go to counseling together to clarify the goals of your relationship, but he’s so involved in his wife’s care that he may not want to involve himself in something that would take even more of his energy. He’s probably on emotional overload already.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 20, 2024
I agree. The kids expect HIM as a long term spouse to handle this. And will resent him forever if he does not. They will see it as an abandoning of his dear wife, and forget that he was gone before they fell ill. And will resent the NEW spouse.
Our OP comes from another culture where children are more likely to step in and do the caregiving than in our own, I think, from her responses above.
(1)
Report
As far as practical advice - I think you should be worried. The best thing may be to have a heart to heart talk about what you are worried about, and then see what he responds.
But yes, it sounds worrisome and he may throw the best years of his life to martydom
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I fear he will be the martyr and throw away the best years he has left.- yes odds are high of this.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 20, 2024
I so agree.
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter