She has advanced dementia and is VERY needy. She has lot of anxiety, some hallucinations, and is very confused. She cries a lot of the day. “I miss my mother but she’s passed away.” “There’s people that are going to hurt me. Let’s go.” "I’m having some real problems.” These are all things she says. I know they’re pretty typical. So far she’s been clingy with staff and other residents.
I wanted to see what other people thought of being advised to not visit for two months. The head nurse said it might be sooner but that they would continue to update me and let me know when they thought it would be good time to start regular visits. They obviously said I could do whatever I want, but this is what they recommend. I understand there’s a need for Mom to adjust, but it seems really long. Thoughts?
My mother has dementia alzheimers. I think she's at stage 5 now. We've had to move her four times due to her progression and each time we've needed to allow her time to transition.
With advanced dementia this is not usual for them to recommend to you visitation be delayed. It's ok. The purpose is to help mother transition and acclimate to her new home. Your presence can be a trigger which pulls on her and affects transition.
It's harder on us than our loved one. It's difficult for your mother on the immediate, but this eventually deminishes as she transitions. They will see to her needs. You can call & ask how she is doing, yet you will need to transition too.
Every person with dementia is different but do have & experience common things they focus on like; going home, finances, they have to go & take care of the kids, fear is especially a big one. Just normal life things they have done for so many many years and they need to feel safe. Security is key for them. At a memory care AL they can focus on these things and work with mother, building relationship, intense loving attention, etc.
Give mother time to transition. Quality of life is focus here. It may make take a while, but she will be fine. So will you.
Blessings
That said, two months seems a lot! You should do what feels right to you, but some period of letting the staff get your mom adjusted while she's still the early days of living there will be beneficial.
Give it about a week, then go see her. Otherwise, she'll think she's been abandoned and that won't do. You have a RIGHT and an obligation to see that she is being cared for properly. Waiting that long allows for unsavory things to occur and become a habit. I write the checks for my mom's care. I MAKE SURE she gets her care! And believe me, it has been "unpleasant" at times...for the facility.
They haven't said anything about when I can't visit.
Personally, until your loved one is at the very final stage of dementia, I believe they know if you are around. I just got back from 2 almost back-to-back 5-day trips over a span of about 3 weeks. I told my mom (moderate dementia) the therapeutic lies and never let on that I was away. She apparently never mentioned me to her helpers, but I still think on some level she knew I was not around and possibly also knew I was spinning tall tales. Her behavior was a little off and is just now starting to "re-normalize" since I've been back.
As always, go with your gut. It will never steer you wrong.
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