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Next hospital stay, I think you can refuse to take her home. Ask for the social workers. Tell them you are not safe, she is not safe. They will have to help you place her. Just refuse to take her. I don't think there is much they can do, unless she has ownership in your home. They have failed you, why should you cooperate at this point.
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I manage my 98 y.o. Mom’s care.
My recommendation is to find a neurologist that specializes in geriatric care. We also have a palliative care doc and as well.

Mom is on Zoloft for depression
Remeron for sleep and Respiradole for psychosis......HUGE improvement for ALL
involved.

The meds were given over the course of the last year and doses were adjusted.

Pharmacology is complicated and takes patience.

Our goal is to make life as joyous and pain free as possible for Mom.
It takes a village and perseverance.

My heart goes out to you.
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Stick to your plan, Sharon, to not allow your mother back in your home. When hospital contacts you for 'discharge' plan, just keep it brief and repeat..."There is no plan. She cannot come to my home. I cannot care for her or provide care for her. She is not safe here...." When the caseworker (or hospital whomever) tries to push the issue, just repeat..."There is no...I cannot care..." Let the hospital caseworkers work out a placement plan.
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She needs to be in a supervised living facility. It is too dangerous for both if you. Contact your county social worker for guidance. Sometimes they just can't stay home.
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As hard as it is... you may have to call the police..tell them you are afraid ( I think you should be) they can call an ambulance - have her admitted- then tell the hospital she has no where to be released to. I know someone who had to do this yes it’s terrible but it was the only way they could get their loved one placed because they could no longer handle her
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Imho, this living dynamic is NOT feasible any longer as your life is in danger. Demand that the medical professionals no longer "kick it down the road."
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SharonAS - we all are rooting for you and your mother. You need your life back, and your mother needs PROFESSIONAL care.

This is your big break. Say no to taking your mom back home and stick to your NO.
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There is an intersection between neurology and psychiatry that, unfortunately, many providers have difficulty diagnosing. Request a neuro-psych evaluation. They are trained in both areas and may be able to help with the physical vs. thinking difficulties for your mother. Loving someone doesn't mean that you always like them or should be around them a lot. Best wishes and stay safe.
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Wow. You have been through hell. I now feel lucky that I 'only' put up with emotional and verbal abuse from my sociopathic narcissist father. Thankfully, he was in an ALF and I was able to go no direct contact. I checked in with staff to monitor his care.
You must do whatever it takes to protect yourself. No one deserves to be abused or threatened, even if it's due to mental illness.
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My god - this is horrible. Under NO circumstances should this be allowed and she should NOT be in your home. I don't care what is wrong with her but this is beyond what anyone should tolerate. Please find a way to place her into a facility before she totally destroys you. YOU must put yourself first. Her behavior is not something you can or should deal with.
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purplebadger May 2021
I totally agree! Great advice! 😊
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She needs a neurologist specializing in Dementia.

If you leave her in the Emergency Room, you can tell them that you are no longer able to care for her, and they will find a place for her.
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Hi SharonAS,

This is my first post on this forum and I know you have asked for advice, which I sadly do not have, but I just wanted to let you know that I wish I could help you! Has you mum always been like that? Has her bad behaviour started in the last few years or was she always like that but just got worse over the last few years? I am going through the same thing, but with no medical help as my Mum refuses to be assessed. I doubt the authorities would believe I am getting hit and emotionally and verbally abused by what appears to be a frail little old 85 year old, so I guess she is banking on that. But that indicted a level of awareness. Is your mum aware of her behaviour and being manipulative, or is she not with it when she lashes out?
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purplebadger May 2021
I record my mom when she gets violent! I use my phone, a DVD recorder and I just got a GoPro with a harness so it sits on my chest! I also have an app that records every phone calls so I have proof of what the doctors and caseworker said!
Welcome to this site! Everyone is very nice and I find a lot of great information and kindness here!
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This is a very sad and difficult situation (for you and her). Good luck to your both. Don't take anything she does personally. She needs to be calmed down, and you'll need professional medical people to help you. She needs a psychiatrist who specializes in geriatric psychosis and can prescribe medications to calm her down and help her get the correct kind of care. Keep trying different meds if the ones prescribed are not working or have unacceptable side effects. This may be a trial and error process to get something that works. You may need to get her calmed down before she can be admitted to a senior residence, but some senior residences can handle this. Contact Medicare and a social worker in your area and senior networks who can advise you on your options. It is not unusual for people with dementia to become violent. The hospital she was in should be able to connect you with a social worker. They should have helped you more to find the correct care for her.
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I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. It sounds like she has a very bad case of dementia. I think you'll have to get her into a care facility for your peace of mind.
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I am so sorry that you are going through this! I've heard of one daughter who took her daughter to the hospital and as her mom was being treated, when asked where mom lives, the daughter said she doesn't have a place to live! She had her at her place for a few days but her landlord said no more! Have her suitcase with you! Also, you can get her into a facility by getting her on medicaid! I live in Oregon and I moved in to my mom's house, so it's a different situation! I was told that even if I was to give  DHS advance notice, if I leave I will be arrested for elder abandonment! The only other thing I can think of is for you to go through DHS and get caregivers to come in to help you!
I know how it feels to be trapped! I'm legally trapped to take care of her, get her on medicaid, find her a place and then I have to clean up her home and sell it! But this stuff varies from state to state from what I understand! When she gets violent and mean, please call the ambulance! They'll come take her to the hospital and depending on how she behaves, perhaps they'll keep her for a while to examiñe her mental state! God bless you and I am sending you a big virtual hug!
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