How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other once a week?

Waiting, emjo's personal experience is a great role model here. You need to TALK seriously about your relationship, about your needs and his, about expectations for the future.

My sig other has a fulltime responsible job, and a growing herd horses to look after in his "spare" time. Not caregiving a father, but it keeps him pretty busy. I have had some of the concerns you have and I have tackled them in the open. He has told me he wants this relationship to be permanent - with marriage. I have said the same. We have talked about what needs to happen before we both are comfortable with marriage. We both are working on these things and review them periodically. One of my conditions for him was that we have more time together, and I have brought it up more than once. One of his for me is that I count to ten before tackling a charged issue. He likes a very calm approach. Another thing we talked about for him is going well. He has no need to communicate with me when he is away. He still feels very connected to me. I have a need for contact when he is away. I have to say he has done well with that and now we text regularly, email and call. Also he has come up with some creative ways for us to spend more time together. Last year he had to do a lot of travelling for his company and I went with him even though the company discourages it. This year I am finding some shows for us to go to, and he is arranging a cruise for us in March. My point is that I spoke up about my needs and told sig other that without this or that the relationship was not working for me. This is not about his job or the horses, and this is not about your bf's dad, this is about a commitment from both of you to make the relationship work for the two of you.
Sig other could have fallen into the same kind of pattern as your bf - whether it is looking after horses or care giving a dad. Going off doing his thing and coming home when it suits him, spending his spare time on activities which exclude me. He was married and divorced, but had spent a lot of time on his own before we met and is pretty self-sufficient. I let him know in no uncertain terms that that did not work for me and offered to show him the door more than once. I told him I was about ready to go back to online dating and if he wanted to stay as a boarder he was welcome, but I wanted a life with more companionship. And I meant it. Not saying that that is the ideal approach, but it worked for us. He tends to only deal with things when they become crises. That he responded with communicating more, and finding ways for us to be together said to me that he was willing to work out the problems in our relationship. I knew he wanted to stay in the relationship, it was very comfortable for him, but I had to know that he was willing to make some changes to accommodate my needs.
If anything the two of you seem to be drifting apart, having less contact and you are getting less satisfaction from the relationship. I would not focus on your bf's dad, or all his family issues, but on what is happening between the two of you. It is fine for him that you help keep him together, but what about your needs? I had to learn to speak up about my needs. Seems the way things are suits him, but not you. Things are out of balance and that is not healthy. See if you can set some goals with him that will meet your needs, if he wants the relationship to continue and grow. I think you have to clarify that first.
After 15 years in my own, I met sig other over 4 years ago. He is 63, I am 76. It works. You are young by my standards. I think there are lots of opportunities out there. What are the one or two things that you contributed to the failure of your past marriage? In my case 1) was bad choice and 2) was not speaking up about my needs. I am willing to bet that fits you too. I made a mental list of things I had to have in another mate - sobriety, no debt, able to support himself, good temperament and so on, basically a good man, to address 1) and then for 2) I started speaking up about my needs and I still am and we are doing better and better. Communication is essential, and that about feelings. I figured I had nothing to lose by speaking up, and I knew it wouldn't work for me if it was too one sided. Good luck.

Yes. Having re-read all your posts, Waiting, I have to agree with Blannie - he sounds like he's pretty comfy as he is. It's not just his dad, is it? Family, land, hobbies, obviously not struggling for money - and you to take the pressure off once a fortnight or so. Cushty.

Still! As long as it suits you, let it ride. If it doesn't any more, or if you get a better offer, drop it. At least he hasn't moved his father into your house..! Just promise me you will suit yourself, and for God's sake don't build castles in the air. Best of luck. x

Let me challenge your statement that if you break it off with him, you're ready to live as a single and that you had already decided that before you met him. If that's the case, why don't you just date him as a companion and keep things as they are?

It sounds to me like you're really looking for more and wanting more. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you want the "full package" of commitment and marriage, it sounds like there are a TON of red flags about this guy EVER being able to commit the way you're wanting. Even when his dad passes. He sounds like he's pretty happy where he is - which is not with you in a permanent living arrangement. And it sounds like you know if your heart when his dad dies, he'll want to stay in his dad's house so he can see his relatives, instead of wanting to make a new life with you. You're getting better at finding nice guys, now just go out there and find a nice one who wants what you want - a committed relationship.

I don't see it as a total negative that he's committed to dad, I think the concern might be more that he's not seeing how it is stringing you along to have almost no time ever. Is he a Facebook or e-mail kind of guy who could communicate that way so you are in touch more than every other weekend if it is too hard to sneak in phone calls when you are both not busy?

lsmiami, wonderful advice. waiting4alife, what you wrote reminded me of how I felt in my 40s. I was divorced and alone. I thought all prospects for a relationship were over or scarce. This led me to make a bad decision in choosing another spouse. It wasn't until I was in my 50s that I realized there were still men who found me attractive. I had it in my head that men all want young girls and yada yada. This isn't true. The trouble is often that we are looking at men our age or younger than us. There is a lot of men in the 50s, 60s, and 70s looking for companionship. Some that are even older are still looking, but I'm sure it would turn into caregiving very soon. That's not too appealing. :-)

Take it from one who knows. You don't want to pick whatever is available and hope it's a prince. Chances are high it will be a frog and no matter how often you kiss it, it will still be a frog. There are a lot of princes out there, though, so I hope you don't just grab someone because he's breathing. Did that; regretted it -- still regretting it to this day.

My input comes from a perspective similar to your own. I never married, dated quite a bit, had a couple of multi yr relationships and met a man at age 46 that I have been with for 6 years. I am not someone who married my high school sweetheart and I can appreciate how difficult it is to find the right man and to date over 40.
I see 2 problems. First, he lost his job and gave up. He is an engineer, he should have a good paying job and be able to overlook / oversee the care of his parents and be involved but not consumed by it. Even if dad passes, or if by miracle he gave his blessing, you still have a 50 yo who exited the rat race at the first off ramp and is unemployed and not looking for a job. I personally would not consider a man for marriage unless he is employed. Even if he is an heir, I would want to know that he does something to contribute to society. Yes, being a caregiver is a very worthwhile vocation, but it can be a crutch for a co dependent person, or for one who wants to avoid the rat race. You need to evaluate which category your man falls in.

Second, is he there for you? I know your life is not all peaches, is he supportive when you have a bad day? Does he prioritize accompanying you to a special event or treat you for your birthday....or do you consistently come in second to dad.

I say you tell him you need some space, let him take you on a date once a week as his schedule allows, in the meantime date, try online dating. Sleep with no one until you narrow your choices and cut the others off. BF may or may not make the final cut.
In order to win you he needs to step up and offer an adult relationship, you both share good and bad and he needs to be able to contribute to the relationship financially, emotionally and logistically.

Best wishes,
L

I mean't run for your life and tell him to call you when he is free.

O my gosh. This is my life. Except we're married and dealing with his selfish hateful step father that uses my husband and me and refuses help from other people, we are prisoners and our marriage is suffering and the old man could care less. RUN for your life and he calls you when he doesn't have this problem, maybe.

Wow, a lot of negativity in this thread. From what I see, you want to make this work, and the question you asked isn't "how do I end this relationship", but "how can I fix this relationship".

Without being too pessimistic, if he is unwilling to set some boundaries with his dad/family, you can only put up with it or leave him.

I've always felt that honesty is best when it comes to this stuff. Talk to him, and tell him exactly what you think; namely that you need him to set boundaries and stick with them when it comes to his father and caregiving. Also make it clear that you are terribly unhappy with how things are right now, and you cannot continue to live like this.

It will then be up to him to either make changes or decide his father's wishes are more important than his own life. Giving ultimatums is something I really dislike, but if you care enough to want things to change and cannot continue, I don't see other options. Just try to do it respectfully, and don't make him feel like he is being attacked or controlled.

Good luck!

I hope that your 12yo DD knows the truth. I don't want her to get her hopes up.

IMO you are involved in a dysfunctional relationship, on both your parts. He is committed to dad, has no self confidence or desire to change his situation at this time. Yes, he is very busy with his caretaking responsibilities and friendship with nearby relatives. You are convenient and not high pressure and not forcing a relationship.

In my mind, he is never going to commit and there will always be excuses as to why you can't get married..."I've got to straighten out dads estate; I've got to find a job first; I'm still grieving; I'm building a house on the farm and it's still not done yet (it will never be done, because he's going to build it himself)".

You lack self confidence and are hitching yourself to a wagon that is stalled and going nowhere -- you have a daughter and worry that you won't find anybody and it's slim pickings...Please don't settle, I know his kindness and devotion seem like great attributes but you don't want to be with someone who can't even support himself nor cut ties.

Please join some interest groups (bird watching, hiking club, photography, wine tasting or church singles groups) where you might meet someone eligible and motivated. You deserve it. Your daughter deserves to see someone who treats her mom special and her too. I imagine you cut yourself off from other possibilities because you are hanging in the wings waiting on this guy and hoping he can commit.

Step back and see if he ever approaches the conversation of a future with you without your prompting....bet not. He will agree to whatever you say or propose because he is too preoccupied or lazy to pursue anyone else.

Sorry, this sound harsh, but I see or hear this often from other single women. "He's just not that into you, I'm afraid"

There seems to be more uncertainty about this relationship than his father's condition. If you have reason to believe that even if his father passes, he would still choose to be close to other relatives than be with you, then you really need to talk seriously about your future with him. Perhaps he is using his father as a way of avoiding a permanent commitment. I hope not. But you have to find out before more time is wasted.

Well, I'm not a spring chicken and a decent guy is hard to come by at my age. Like I said, I was married to a man who treated me horribly and ruined what should have been the best years of my life. My BF is very kind and considerate and loving---something my ex was not. I know he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's not easy for him. But if I did break it off with him I probably would not look for anyone else. As it was, I had pretty-much made up my mind, when he asked me out, that I was probably going to live the rest of my life single. Yes, a serious talk is in order, but he has been avoiding it. I think he is afraid he will scare me off with the truth. Thanks again for the responses, even though it is a bit off-subject of caregiving.

I have the romantic Percy-Sledge view when it comes to a man loving a woman. I believe if he loves you there will be nothing that can keep him away from you. If you only see him every week or two, that is just dating. I don't see any harm in continuing to date him, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in this one basket.

That once a week stress relief is probably absolutely invaluable to him. And his controlling parent issues are awfully common ones on here - who among us has an easy answer for the guilt, loyalty, neediness issues they raise as they develop dementia? He sounds like he could be a real keeper if he can find a better way to handle it all. Why not suggest he sign up and start posting to try to find answers and ideas so as not to lose you?

I also should ad that 3 years ago I bought a house of my own which is a bit of a fixer-upper, but not too bad. He has helped me 'fix' several things in my house. He also is a wood-worker and has made me several things out of wood for my house. He acts like he wants it to be a permanent thing, eventually. He throws hints here and there but hasn't actually mentioned marriage.

Waiting, you just answered all of your own questions. I think the question is whether or not you're willing to wait on the back burner, because that's where you'll stay. And even after you have no real idea if this man will be willing to move away even if that's what you'd like to see happen. I'd say a nice, long talk about the future and what you both expect is in order. If you can't get on the same page, if you aren't happy with the answers you get then it's time to rethink investing anymore time into the relationship, imo...

What you see is what you'd get. Don't continue in the relationship expecting major changes.

Oh, one thing I didn't mention is that I have a 12 year-old daughter who lives with me 95% of the time. She likes my BF and think s we should get married. His dad is not rude, a least, not intentionally. Because of his dementia he often says inappropriate things. We are welcome in their home as far as visits are concerned. Yes, I do feel like I'm being put last in his life. His dad will always come first as long as he is around. Another thing that concerns me. Say his dad does pass. My BF has never lived anywhere except his parents' house. I'm wondering if he will move out and sell it once his dad is gone. I cannot not move to where he is, it would be too far for me to drive to work. I don't think he would want to move to my house. Too far from his relatives that he sees once or twice a week with his dad. He has 5 acres of land not too far from his dad's house that he built a barn on and had intentions of building a house on before he lost his engineering job. I'm wondering if he'dbe willing to sell and us get a new house together somewhere in between. My feeling is that he'd want to stay living at his dad's house.

I feel so sorry for you and your BF. I'm sure he is doing everything he can to avoid confrontation with his father. It's more peaceful for him to give in to his father than incur his wrath. All hell must break loose if he dares to assert himself. Otherwise your Bf could hire an outside caregiver for a few hours each week, seek a short term respite placement to allow him to get away for a few days. But if your BF can't or won't do that, you have to make a decision. Talk to your BF and ask if he has anything else in mind for your relationship (marriage?) or if what you now have is all you are going to get. If you are not happy with his answer, start seeing other people. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

Are you welcome in your boyfriend's and his father's home?

It's up to you. You either stand alongside this man and help him, in which case you have a right to insist on being his accepted partner, in which case you need in return to understand and accept his father's established place in his life; or you wash your hands of the whole relationship and walk away.

Love him, love his dad. Or leave him alone. One or the other.

That isn't a relationship. Move on. Valentine's Day is this week. If he hasn't ask you out, by now, I hope that you make your own plans.

Run.

To put it bluntly, your boyfriend has some big, big issues. Having never cut the emotional strings to his parents at 51, chances are he won't at this point in his life. You're trying to undo 51 years of brainwashing and grooming by his parents. Unless/until he sees a need to change his situation, your wants and desires just won't be that important to him. I think you're right in your assessment that you're his stress relief.

You could also look at breaking it off could be a wake-up call to him to make some significant changes in his life and to get the counseling he needs to be strong enough to set the course to live a life on his own. But I'd say at this point that the chances are slim. I think the chance is better he'll stay with his dad and when his dad passes, he'll be lost.

You have to decide what you're willing to endure and whether you deserve a partner who puts you first and not last on his list of priorities. Good luck and keep us posted.