I live with my 74-year-old father in the family home. The house is in disrepair. Ceiling tiles are falling in living room. There are huge holes and rips in the linoleum in the kitchen and first bathroom.
The floor in front of the toilet in the first bathroom is sinking, and I'm afraid it will eventually break through. The sink and the bathtub haven't been used since my mom died in 2017; my dad claims they leak and it took him forever to find the sweet spots. I am not allowed to touch them or move the hose in tub.
We have an unknown plumbing issue. Every so often, the pipe in the basement will "gurgle up," leaving toilet paper, feces, and urine all over the basement floor that then needs to be swept out and sanitized. This happens approximately every two months. My father's solution is to pour bleach down the basement drain.
The gutters haven't been cleaned in 5+ years. When it rains, water pools on the back patio and drains down a hole in the side of the house, into the basement.
All kitchen and household appliances are approximately 20 years old. The washer finally broke two days ago, and the dryer is on it's last legs.
I have tried, several times, tactfully to raise the subject of getting these things assessed and repaired, and have offered to go half on the expenses. Each time, I am met with excuses. "I can't afford it. The foundation might be cracked. They'll have to dig up the driveway. I'm too old. I don't have the stamina to deal with that."
When the washer broke, I was met with hostility and personal attacks that were out of place and confusing to me. "What did you do to the washer? You can't afford to own a home! I can't afford this! This house is nothing but a money-sink! It'll cost $20,000 just in repairs!"
I then suggested selling up now, while he's still alive, and move into a smaller home that is much easier to maintain. I was given more excuses. "I'm too old. I don't have the mental or physical stamina to do that."
I agree with my father that making these repairs will be expensive. However, whilst the home remains in this state of disrepair, he keeps giving away large sums to churches and charities. $1200 to a neighbor's church last month for Christmas. $800 every three months to Second Harvest. $300 every month to another neighbor's church. He is two months' behind on his phone bill, and he owes me $185.97, which he borrowed to buy xmas presents for my siblings. I did not get a xmas present.
I have suggested donating to charity after the house is repaired. I have suggested making a single repair one month, then a charity donation the next month, then a repair the third month, and so on. I have suggested that he would be in a better position to help others if he wasn't suddenly caught by a broken bathroom floor, for example, but instead dealt with it head-on. Each time, he gets a constipated look on his face and shuts down the conversation. I have even said God helps those who help themselves. It had no effect.
We are getting a new washer, but it took an enormous fight and I'm going to be washing my clothes in the sink for a couple of weeks while he "makes up his mind.".
I have just gotten a second job and have started to look for an apartment close by. I am angry all the time. I cannot deal with him in close quarters every single day anymore.
What do I do, aside from re-establishing my personal space and new boundaries? What on earth *can* I do? I am Power of Attorney. Do I have grounds for filing a motion for a mental incompetency declaration?
I'm also Executor and it is in the Will that I'm to sell the house immediately upon his death and split the proceeds equally with my siblings. He wants those proceeds to go to us as his gift to us, our inheritance, but if he doesn't take care of the house, and doesn't leave any money to repair the house later because he keeps giving it away, what inheritance?
Is he doing this on purpose?
Moving out sounds like a good idea. Although, does this mean your dad will be alone? Will he allow a caregiver to assist him? How does he feel about you leaving?
Sounds like you need to assert yourself - stand up to your dad and get the repairs done (before things get worse, which it will). If you do not have a legal standing, he will need to decide how to live. You cannot do for him what he won't do for himself, unless you can make decisions, legally, on his behave.
If you do not take control now - the house may continue to breakdown and then what - ? Is your dad waiting for it to cave in ? That he doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house would call into question his mental functioning; sounds like your dad is unable to make these needed decisions and instead rationalizes leaving $ to you/his family. Yes, the floor could cave in. There could be rot / water, etc. or worse. Waiting will certainly make the situation worse.
Your dad cannot continue to live in an unsafe home. Find out what legal rights you have and get the house repaired. He needs to be in a safe structure / foundation whatever the cost. Right? I agree, you need to leave. And he may need to be in an apt for a few months while the house is getting repaired. Something needs to change - and soon.
Gena / Touch Matters
Is there a social worker you can work with? Can you speak with your fathers Dr about his living situation? Will your siblings assist you? Are they aware of the living conditions? Can you call the center for aging or the Natl Aging Assoc (not sure of names exactly) they can maybe give you a push in the right direction. Maybe he’ll listen to a social worker (doubt it, but you’re going to have to bring in agencies to help you).
I hate to tell you, but you’ve got to take the bull by the horns (prepared to be gored) and get your father some help. He (and you ) can’t stay in those conditions. The house won’t sell for much either so, so much for inheritance. Any money from sale of property will (and should) go to your fathers care.
Quit “making suggestions” and start “taking actions”. It sounds like you are still your fathers child, and he calls the shots. The thing is, he isn't thinking clearly. It’s not that he’s doing anything on purpose…he sounds like he cold have dementia. He’s unreasonable and doesn’t accept things as they truly are. There’s stubborn, but then there’s delusional. It’s time to get him diagnosed and into some place that safe, sanitary and where he can get help. He won’t like it…again it’ll be a battle that requires all his children.
If you can’t get help for him from siblings, his Dr, and/or a social worker then you will have to at least get your own place and let one of the other siblings step up to help with his care. I’ve said this before on this site, you’ve got to save yourself.
I know this wasn’t the answer you want, because I can tell it’s not going to be pretty, but you have to get your father somewhere safe (you too). He won’t do it because he’s not thinking clearly. You need to do what’s right for you both and living in unsafe conditions isn’t it. If he has any funds use it to get him into a safe place. At some point, consult with a realtor and they can give you suggestions on whether to spend much on the house to put it on the market as is and sell it so someone can bulldoze it and have the land. That’s for down the road. The priority is getting your father somewhere safe.
Good luck and keep us posted here.
Go see a certified Elder Care attorney at once to see if you have the right to USE your POA to get your name on dad's checking account. If necessary, you may get him deemed incompetent and THEN you can make even more decisions on his behalf. Although right now you may be able to make a lot of financial decisions with POA. I'd just get it checked out with a CEC attorney FIRST, to be sure. Then I'd start writing checks to get the necessary home repairs done. Like the sewage problem in the basement, the holes in the linoleum which create a big tripping hazard, hoses in bathtubs, etc. You don't have to renovate the house; you just have to make it HABITABLE for humans to live there. Dad doesn't have to like it, either!
The biggest thing you need to accomplish is to get him to STOP giving away all this money to 'charity'! Your father has dementia, so he's doing these things b/c he has a broken brain. "Hostility & personal attacks" towards you also go with the territory of a broken brain, unfortunately. If you are able to get him to the doctor or call his doctor, meds can be prescribed to help his agitation. If you have medical POA for him, that would be very helpful too. Understand that dementia makes a person not the same person he once was; he's morphed into an unreasonable & angry human now. It's not his 'fault'; it's the disease's fault. That doesn't help you deal with the BS on a day-to-day basis, of course, but it helps explain what's going on.
I don't get the feeling you're wanting to run away as much as you are wanting to help get things fixed and stop the money bleed to 'charities' that's going on. While it's a good idea to get your own place to reestablish some peace and sanity for yourself, it's also a good idea to go see the CEC attorney to see what you can do for dad as his POA.
I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and hitting a brick wall with your efforts. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a reasonable solution to an unreasonable situation.
Even if he is competent, he may have a bit of "house blindness" where he's used to the quirks of his home and doesn't really notice them anymore.
My dad was a bit like yours in that he thinks everything is going to cost X dollars while having absolutely no idea whether that's the case. My parents' roof leaked for years, but Dad wouldn't get it fixed because "it'll cost $50,000." He got that number from his backyard neighbor whose roof DID cost $50K. That's because his roof was a custom irregularly patterned shingles on a Tudor-style house. My folks' house was clay tile, and fixing the roof consists of taking off the tiles, replacing the paper underneath, and putting the same tiles back on. Dad finally caved in on the roof and -- surprise! -- the repairs were less than $15,000. Pretty good for an 80-year-old roof that had NEVER been fixed. The only bad part was that he didn't have the roof done on the addition in the back of the house, because that addition was only 70 years old! (And yes, I've had to get that roof redone now.)
Look into getting someone out to look at the issues in Dad's house and give him(you) an idea of what exactly is wrong. Dad's fears of the expense are quite possibly the worst-case scenario rather that reality, so it's better to be informed than not. Getting a plumber might cost a couple hundred bucks, but that investment will give him a better idea of what repairs could cost, or even better, the seriousness of the issues and the expected consequences of not fixing them.
As for the donations he makes, total up last years amounts and show it to him. Maybe he's never considered the annual amount and what all could have been repaired at his own house. You might even tell him if he starts requiring in home care from outsiders, they are going to report things that appear to make his living arrangement unsafe and then he'll end up HAVING to move out whether he likes it or not. At that point, the house will be in such disrepair no one gets anything and he has no house to live in safely.
You might call those churches that he has been faithful to. Ask them if they have any workgroups that do repairs on elderly homes. Might be time for them to give back to a loyal patron. Then contact an elderly attorney to find out what is needed in your state to stop all his donations since those will probably impact his eligibility for Medicaid if he ever happens to need a facility bed. It sounds like he has too much income/savings to get Medicaid, but atty can lead you in right direction as to dad living in a bad way while funding things he cannot afford.
I'm wondering if you can have some kind of well-check on the house? Or even take out a loan, and pay yourself back through his finances. tell him you won the lottery - lol. Those things can present a hazard, and if he got hurt badly, and social services came out, you might be asked why you haven't provided more safety measures.
It's hard for those of his generation to receive blessing from others, but in this case you need to find a happy medium where he has some independence and you are able to do your job as the caregiver.
It's hard. My Dad didn't want any help either. But once we started doing repairs together, painted a few rooms and things started looking nicer, he saw it as projects "we" were doing. He'll change his mind if you just do it. Don't ask. Just do it.
Meet with your siblings to enlist their help with dad’s behavior and perhaps another place to live. Dad’s home sounds like it should be condemned. You need to move out.
Take care of yourself.
At this point he is NOT competent.
YOU need to take control and stop him from spending his money that is not for his care. That includes upkeep of the house.
Do what needs to be done in order to enact the POA.
If that does not give you enough power to do what needs to be done then you may have to become his Guardian. (or another family member if this is not a role you want.
Once your PoA authority is in play, you can do what you think is in his best interests. In the U.S. you'd need to bring the paperwork to his bank in person and they'll probably have you go through their own protocol in order to add you to his accounts.
FYI clinging on to expectations of inheritances causes a lot of division in families and causes the PoA to make money-based decisions and not decisions about your father's best care (and paying for it when he actually has the resources — such as proceeds from the sale of his house).
Prayers to you
Does Dad have local sewerage or a septic tank? If sewerage there is probably a blockage in the pipes. For us it was tree roots growing into the pipes. Your Township can have a chemical put into the pipes that kill the roots. I would call them, ours caused a problem in one of our neighbors houses where it all backed up to her house and came up through a toilet in her downstairs and flooded the downstairs. If he has a septic tank, it may need cleaning out. This is serious, its a health problem. Your Dads house can be condemned because of his septic system.
I agree, I would give him no money to fix up the house. My Moms was the same way. Years of neglect because she didn't have the money. The bathroom floor was ready to cave in. In front of the kitchen sink was "mushy". I ended up selling it for 40k and that covered the tax and Medicaid liens. When all was said and done we children got about 10k to split between us. The man who bought it gutted it, new foundation and used the outer walls. Its not my parents house.
You are wise to get a place of your own and let the chips fall where they may. When things get bad, you call APS for a vulnerable adult.